How do I tell if my feelings are real?

LegacyUser

Hi,
My boyfriend broke up with me almost three months ago, I was devastated and I am going through ups and downs now. Mostly I am doing really well but sometimes, especially at night I miss him terribly. I feel really lonely, I miss being held and loved by someone. I want to know how do I tell if the feelings I feel for someone now are real? Or if it's my mind playing tricks on me?
I really like someone now and I would never act on it (he's my ex-boyfriend's friend and my mutual friend) but I wanted to know do I really actually have these feelings or is it my mind tricking me into loving someone that I trust just because I miss my ex-boyfriend?
How do I tell when I actually love someone new? How do I know when it's time to move on? Will I ever be sure? I don't want to break someone's heart, or risk rejection when the emotions I'm feeling might not be real.

Hope this is making sense, I am pretty confused myself/

red_poppy

Hi Op,

I'm sorry you are feeling this way right now. First of all it's natural to be feeling the way you are and to be honest 3 months is not a long time after a breakup. You are still hurt and heartbroken no doubt. You need more time to yourself because when you are feeling this vulnerable and sensitive you don't always make the best judgements. I think you would be best off concentrating on yourself and if you are around this guy and get along with him maybe let things progress naturally rather than putting your heart on the line too soon. I hope you feel better soon. Just take care of yourself.

LegacyUser

Op I'd be worried about why you feel the need to jump back into another relationship straight away to be honest. Seems like you just want to substitute one relationship with another, not healthy. It's okay to be single for a while it doesn't mean theres something wrong with you. Take this time to get to know yourself and live your life independently, without needing a relationship as a crutch. Take the time to be single, meet new guys have fun, kiss a few, get to know them, it's a much healthier way of getting over your ex that latching onto and settling for the easiest target and trying to substitute your old relationship.

LegacyUser

Hey OP, 27 year old guy here with opposite feelings after breaking up with my gf. I don't feel attracted to anyone at all, even though I get what you say about missing him and wanting to be hugged etc.

Work on yourself as a previous poster said. I've picked up a new sport, hitting the gym a lot more since... I haven't been feeling much better outside these activities, but it's getting slowly less worse. Time, etc. Hope this helps

Niteb4

guestdude wrote: »

Hey OP, 27 year old guy here with opposite feelings after breaking up with my gf. I don't feel attracted to anyone at all, even though I get what you say about missing him and wanting to be hugged etc.

Outa curiousity, why did she break up with you??

LegacyUser

OP here, thanks so much for the advice everyone, I really really appreciate it. I really am taking on board what you have all said, to be honest, I knew deep down that it wasn't healthy. I have a lot of work to do on figuring out who I am as an individual as I seem to have lost myself during the years with my ex.
It's so tough though, the easier thing to do would be to let someone take care of me and love me, guess I need to figure out how to love myself. To guestdude, what you said about not being attracted to anyone made me realise that I don't even think I'm attracted to this person, not physically anyway, I just want someone to be there for me again.
It seems almost impossible though, to get through missing him so much and not to turn to someone else? When you guys talk about concentrating on myself what exactly do you mean? Is taking up new hobbies and meeting up with friends enough? I find getting to sleep at night incredibly tough as I am so upset, the thoughts of meeting someone better for me comforts me. But is this unhealthy, what exactly am I supposed to do?
Thanks again for all the advice x

Ellsbells

Niteb4 wrote: »

guestdude wrote: »

Hey OP, 27 year old guy here with opposite feelings after breaking up with my gf. I don't feel attracted to anyone at all, even though I get what you say about missing him and wanting to be hugged etc.

Outa curiousity, why did she break up with you??

What does that add to the op's problem?

Taltos

Niteb4 - welcome to PI/RI. If you have not already done so please review our charter. We ask posters to give civil and constructive advice or not to post. Due to the sensitive nature of some of the issues here we follow our charter very closely and take action on posts that are in breach of said charter or the site rules.
It might also be an idea to read a few threads for a period to learn what is and is not accepted here.

Ellsbells - similarly per our charter if you have an issue with a post as above please report it. Backseat moderation is also a breach of our charter.

Thanks
Taltos

LegacyUser

reboundornot? wrote: »

To guestdude, what you said about not being attracted to anyone made me realise that I don't even think I'm attracted to this person, not physically anyway, I just want someone to be there for me again.
It seems almost impossible though, to get through missing him so much and not to turn to someone else? When you guys talk about concentrating on myself what exactly do you mean? Is taking up new hobbies and meeting up with friends enough? I find getting to sleep at night incredibly tough as I am so upset, the thoughts of meeting someone better for me comforts me. But is this unhealthy, what exactly am I supposed to do?
Thanks again for all the advice x

As my inspirational buddy who just completed his 1 year sober the other day says: you gotta give time time. That's what I'm telling myself anyway... things get less worse.

Put it this way, if you're looking or wanting someone else immediately to 'fix' whatever you're feeling, it's both doomed to failure and unfair on yourself and the other person. Hobbies and friends won't be the 'solution' on their own, but they damn well help, and also talking to friends can help. Just expect empathy from them, not a solution, as that's impossible for them to provide.
I'm sure once you get back to feeling OK with yourself you'll meet someone who you can be with, but most importantly entering a relationship from a pressure - free standpoint.