cant be bothered

flo09

Im married with 2 young children and its like ive hit a brick wall, im just not bothered with my marriage. Im completely indifferent to my husband. Its my children that keep me going.

My husband has changed since we had our children. He is controlling, disrespectful to me and i just feel like a shadow of my former self. i find that I dont make any decisions for myself as he always has a comment to make about anything I say or do. Its like i am slowly being ground down by him and im allowing him to cos i just dont have the energy to speak up to him. Hes always ready with an answer which ends in an argument and i dont want to be arguing infront of our children.

Ive just gotten myself into this rut and i cant seem to shake myself out of it. Im financially dependent on him and he's always reminding me that its his money. I try to get out of the house for a change of scenery at least once week and he's always got something to say about it cos either i dont have the dinner ready or the house hasnt been cleaned. He does nothing to help me out in the house. He maintains its my job as he has to work. Im just sick of his attitude. Im on the go all day entertaining the kids. They are my priority.

Has anyone any advice on how to handle this bully who is unfortunately my husband.

diverdad

flo09 wrote: »

Im married with 2 young children and its like ive hit a brick wall, im just not bothered with my marriage. Im completely indifferent to my husband. Its my children that keep me going.

My husband has changed since we had our children. He is controlling, disrespectful to me and i just feel like a shadow of my former self. i find that I dont make any decisions for myself as he always has a comment to make about anything I say or do. Its like i am slowly being ground down by him and im allowing him to cos i just dont have the energy to speak up to him. Hes always ready with an answer which ends in an argument and i dont want to be arguing infront of our children.

Ive just gotten myself into this rut and i cant seem to shake myself out of it. Im financially dependent on him and he's always reminding me that its his money. I try to get out of the house for a change of scenery at least once week and he's always got something to say about it cos either i dont have the dinner ready or the house hasnt been cleaned. He does nothing to help me out in the house. He maintains its my job as he has to work. Im just sick of his attitude. Im on the go all day entertaining the kids. They are my priority.

Has anyone any advice on how to handle this bully who is unfortunately my husband.

I've bolded a bit in your post. People can pick up on attitudes like that and react - sometimes in a negative way.
Perhaps you suffered (or still do) from Post Natal Depression. You could get this checked out. It may make you feel better and stronger in yourself.

Assuming that all is well with your health and it is as you paint it then its not a good place to be.
Have you quietly spoken to him. Admit your faults (we all have them) but tell him how aspects of his behaviour makes you feel.
Don't bother telling him that they are wrong - just how they make you feel. Keep away from direct accusations. Focus on explaining how they make you feel - in yourself (tired, miserable, indifferent, run down, disrespected, unloved).

Would he be agreeable to talk about things with a counselor? Again a chance to clear the air and understand each other.

As regards the finacial dependency;
Try making a list of all the services you are providing; child minding, nursing, laundering, food preparation, cooking, cleaning, etc.
This is how you are contributing. Get competative prices for those services if you wish ("...well so-and-so pays X amount for 2 kids for only4 hours, ...such-and-such charge Y for that service, and that dosen't include blab). You get the picture, you can just back up whatever you say without using it as a weapon.

Small steps made in a cheerful fashion will perhaps encourage him to act differently.
There may be a lot of anger inside your husband if he has started to act in this fashion. He didn't always - you said so yourself. Get him to talk about it.
Perhaps he feels under pressure -- 2 small kids, work, bills.
He could just be a total ars@ but maybe he feels he 'has to' control things for everybodies sake.
Maybe he just feels anger because he can't express anything else - frustration, sadness, etc
Don't have discussions when having drinks. That can cloud judgment - both parties - and lead off topic and down roads not to be traveled.

Anyway, you are an articulate and intelligent woman and I'm sure things will get better for you. Best of luck.

Gooner111

You need to sort yourself out and start looking after yourself for your own sake. To start with stop focusing as much on the kids every day - take an hour to focus on yourself too. You need some relaxtion and stress free time. Get out for some walks, eat healthier, meet up with friends - don't let your husband's words put you down, you need time for you (much easier said than done of course). Consider counselling so you can talk through your feelings.

As for your husband, I agree with the other poster, he seems like he has a lot of anger in him. You say the change has happened since the kids came.... maybe the relationship side between you and he got neglected at that point - it does happen and with hard work can be fixed. When kids come they tend to be the focus. He is taking out his anger/frustrations etc on your which is WRONG.

Having said that he is wrong and I know he has hurt you and honestly its probably a big ask at this stage but would you not consider marriage counselling to see if you's can't fix all the problems - it would also give you a place to talk without it turning straight into an argument. If you decide this route I'd suggest booking an appointment and then tell him about it. If he wants to save the marriage he will make the time to attend it and make the effort to change. He would have a lot of making up to do to you if you do decide to try save things.

You obviously loved him at one point and he you. Your kids having a proper happy family would definitely be best. If you can't save the marriage then a separated family where both parents are happy would be much better than a depressed mother and angry father who can't stand each other (assuming that's where things are headed for at the moment).

I hope you start to feel better soon

cOnFuSeD24

My only advice would be that if there is something to save, try counselling. Because there is nothing worse than regret over what was.

flo09

Thanks for all the replies but ive come to realise that there is nothing worth saving in my marriage. I have considered if i have PND and have read up on it but i dont think thats me. I think the only thing dragging me down is being in this marriage that i no longer want to be in. He wont discuss anything with me and has no interest in counselling. I think he has unresolved issues of his own and that has always affected his ability to be upfront and open with me. We are no longer compatible (if we ever were) and my priority now is to get him out of my life and concentrate on my kids. How I do that when he wont move out remains to be seen but i am sure that i dont love him anymore.

Although we are only married 3 years we are 12 years together and only for a number of events that happened over the years that kept me going back to him, id say we should never have come this far. We didnt start out serious, just a casual thing that just became habit and now we're reaching the end of the road. Of course I will strive to be civil with him for the sake of our children. I will always be grateful for the 2 beautiful children that we have together.

Thanks again for the replies

ifElseThen

Get those dishes done.

fits

Is there anyway you can move towards making an income for yourself again? Would be good for your own independence and self esteem.

Ickle Magoo

ifElseThen wrote: »

Get those dishes done.

Infracted.

Be aware there is zero tolerance for muppetry on this forum. IF you cannot or will not post in a mature and constructive manner, you will loose your posting rights to this forum permanently.

Please ensure you are acquainted with the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter before posting again.

Many thanks.


As per site policy, if you have an issue with any moderator instruction or request please contact a relevant moderator via PM - DO NOT drag the thread further off-topic by responding on-thread