Husband annoyed I won't take name

LegacyUser

I am married a year. I haven't changed my name and don't want too. Husband always knew this. But he keeps referring to me as Mrs. with his surname and jokes with the lads that its only a matter of time before I will give in and change it. His family also keep asking what we'll do if we have children and I haven't changed my name. Some of my friends say it would just be easier for me to change it, no more slagging and less hassle for children. But I like my name and don't want to change it.

homemadecider

Your husband is being very disrespectful of you and you shouldn't have to put up with that. If he is so determined that you both have the same name, suggest he change HIS name. I'd bet money he wouldn't want to do that - so neither should you.

As for nosy beaks asking about what happens when you have children, just very simply but firmly tell them that it is absolutely none of their business. Fair play to you for sticking to your principles and don't let anyone bully you into changing your mind.

Best of luck.

WhatAMelon

Double barrel your name. Get him to do it too. Give n' take and all of that.

Penny Dreadful

too independent wrote: »

I am married a year. I haven't changed my name and don't want too. Husband always knew this. But he keeps referring to me as Mrs. with his surname and jokes with the lads that its only a matter of time before I will give in and change it. His family also keep asking what we'll do if we have children and I haven't changed my name. Some of my friends say it would just be easier for me to change it, no more slagging and less hassle for children. But I like my name and don't want to change it.

Ah yes the good ol' cry of "won't someone think of the children". :rolleyes:
If mum and dad having different surnames is the worst thing kids have to worry about and deal with in their lives then they will be doing well. Having parents who love them, feed them, clothe them, educate them, play with them and bring them up well is slightly more important to me.

OP your husband knew your wishes before you got married. He should back off now. I know it would really bug me if my husband was behaving in the same way. We got married about 2 months ago and he knew I wasn't going to change my name. I invited him to change his and he said no thanks, we'll leave things as they are.

P. Breathnach

We have a "don't be a dick" rule here on boards. There should be a similar rule in relationships, and your husband is seriously in breach of it.

You own your identity, your self-image. If, for you, your name is part of that, then it is attack on the core of your being to seek to change it. It's worth a major row, if that is what it takes to get him to respect you. And if he disrespects you in front of his friends, then he deserves the embarrassment of having you cut the legs from under him in front of them.

tony81

It must be great being an independent, unconventional, progressive feminist.

However, I believe the convention in Ireland is generally the woman takes the man's surname.

You obviously knew how he felt about this when he married you so it's a silly argument to be having at this stage!

Honey-ec

OP, my husband was the same. Knew all along that my name was extremely important to me and I had no idea of taking his. After we married, he started making noise about it. I suggested he take my name instead. He suggested we double-barrel, but I knew he'd never get around to making the arrangements and I wasn't particularly keen, so I happily didn't remind him about it.

3.5 years into the marriage, we split, and he admitted afterwards that it "always" bothered him that I never took his name. Bruised ego was all it was. I still, to this day, to the very core of my soul believe that no woman should change her name just to keep her husband happy.

Honey-ec

tony81 wrote: »

It must be great being an independent, unconventional, progressive feminist.

However, I believe the convention in Ireland is generally the woman takes the man's surname.

You obviously knew how he felt about this when he married you so it's a silly argument to be having at this stage!

He knew marrying her that she wasn't taking his name when they married, so you're right, it is a silly argument to be having. From his side.

And I fail to see what convention has to do with it. There's absolutely nothing obliging her to take his name whatsoever. And your comment about feminism doesn't even warrant a response.

diverdad

homemadecider wrote: »

Your husband is being very disrespectful of you and you shouldn't have to put up with that.

Disrespectful or just a tiresome leg pull? Maybe he still thinks its a funny joke with the lads and that.
If it bothers you tell him its getting old & boring.

If he is so determined that you both have the same name, suggest he change HIS name.

If he is making those noises again threaten to go and get the forms yourself for him to change his name. Play along if it is a bit of slagging.

If it is an ongoing mess with your head then tell him that your boyfriends wouldn't be able to contact you if you were to change it - LOL
Tell him all your 'many other' bank AC's are in your name - only
Tell him the names you've already picked for the kids won't match his surname
Play the game.

There are loads of little 'in' jokes that couples share. Is this one of his? Perhaps he enjoys getting a bit of a rise out of you more than you actually changing your name?

Don't get bullied though - if you want it keep it.

I married. Wife kept her name - too much hassel - job, bank AC's, credit union, car, etc.
Along came the kids - DB surname - everybody happy (she only child to 'carry on name' ).
Kids grow. Pick their own surname from DB.
Everybody happy
Am I to be annoyed?

Piliger

tony81 wrote: »

It must be great being an independent, unconventional, progressive feminist.

However, I believe the convention in Ireland is generally the woman takes the man's surname.

Well you clearly need to be informed that this is indeed not the convention in Ireland hasn't been for many decades.

Some catching up with Ireland's conventions and the meaning of the word feminist might be in order.

You obviously knew how he felt about this when he married you so it's a silly argument to be having at this stage!

Yes indeed - he did know what her wishes were before they got married and it is indeed a very silly argument to be having at this stage.

OP. Your hubby needs to faced up to ... not in an aggressive way ... but the next time he makes a smart remark you need to stand in front of him and tell him you are sick and tired of his carry on and if he wants to stay married then he had better cop on to himself and his thirty years out of date chauvinism. The others can mind their own business.

As for double barrelled names ..... pleeeeease don't do that to the kids.

ABajaninCork

I agree with the OP. But I'm a funny one...

It's only in Ireland I use my married name. Back home I still use my maiden name as too much hassle to change bank a/c's, driving licence and all that.

My family overseas double barrel my name as that's the custom.

I've been married four years now. I certainly don't feel like a Mrs and still look round for my (deceased) MiL if someone calls me by that name!

I answer to all!

Daisy M

You need to be comfortable with your decision and not mind what other people say or think. Speak to your husband let him know that his slagging is upsetting as for family and friends lighten up who cares what they think.

gara

The way I see it is there's no right or wrong about this, just different opinions. I can understand why a man would want his wife to share his name but I can also understand why a woman would want to retain hers.

I'd be inclined to think that if a couple can't agree or reach a compromise on something like this, that it doesn't bode well for the relationship in general. Healthy relationships are built on mutual understanding and compromise, not both parties digging their heels in and refusing to budge on something.

I think couples need to share similar views on fundamental things, otherwise it will cause a wealth of problems. And ultimately, there comes a point where you have to ask what's more important-being with your partner and them being happy or something else? And if your partner's happiness isn't high on your agenda and your happiness on theirs, what's the point?

Obviously if there's something that's essential to your happiness that makes your partner miserable, then it boils down to a basic compatability issue

Priori

My fiance actually wants to take my surname but because she already has has a few things published academically in her own name I'd prefer, for her own sake, that we keep things as is. I agree with what a previous poster said - if mommy and daddy having two different surnames is as complicated as things get, then believe me their childhood will be nothing short of idyllic.

I recently changed my own surname by deed poll (well, technically I shortened it) and in the process I realised just how arbitrary names really are. I changed mine mainly from a practical point of view - nobody ever pronounced my previous name properly.

If you like your own name, I say keep it!

P. Breathnach

gara wrote: »

The way I see it is there's no right or wrong about this, just different opinions.

It's not really a question of being right; it's a question of having a right. OP is entitled to choose whatever name she wishes to be known by.

... I'd be inclined to think that if a couple can't agree or reach a compromise on something like this, that it doesn't bode well for the relationship in general.... Obviously if there's something that's essential to your happiness that makes your partner miserable, then it boils down to a basic compatability issue

OP's husband is being a dick. If relationships broke down every time one party behaved like a dick, there would be very few relationships surviving. It's best not to escalate a territorial skirmish to total warfare.

blatantrereg

Maybe he wants any kids to have his name.

It's your business really whether you change your name or not, but it's his business too when it comes to any kids.

If I was in that position then I'd want kids to have my name. It's fair enough, and this is one thing men usually get when it comes to kids. Law and tradition tends to favour women in most other things about kids tbh.

Does he like his father? Maybe he feels he ought to carry on his family name. He might feel he would be letting his father down if he didn't even.

I really think this is something you should discuss with an open mind, and not just decide he's being a dick because he's trying to change personal things about you.

Ellsbells

Op, If you were on here saying that because you got married you assumed your husband wanted to have kids and even though he said he didn't, you expected him to change his mind after marriage - you would be lambasted.

Stick to your guns. He is being an eejit.

LegacyUser

OP my mum didn't change her name (back in 70s Ireland so it's certainly not something new) and it didn't bother my siblings or I one bit. We got our dads surname and no one ever asked why our mums was different...seriously who gives a toss about stuff like that.

blatantrereg

Can't log in wrote: »

OP my mum didn't change her name (back in 70s Ireland so it's certainly not something new) and it didn't bother my siblings or I one bit. We got our dads surname and no one ever asked why our mums was different...seriously who gives a toss about stuff like that.

Cool I wasn't certain that was possible. Might be a good idea to make sure your husband knows that this is an option. I dont think he has any reasonable objection, knowing that it is.

gara

P. Breathnach wrote: »

OP's husband is being a dick. If relationships broke down every time one party behaved like a dick, there would be very few relationships surviving. It's best not to escalate a territorial skirmish to total warfare.

I love the way you call the husband horrible names with such unequivocal certainty. You have no idea what the man's motivations are for him wanting his wife to have his name. Maybe that's as important to him as keeping her name is to her.

Just because there's this mainstream macho image portrayed of men doesn't mean they can't feel upset or a little rejected inside when a woman doesn't share something they value. Women don't have the monopoly on feeling hurt so maybe lay off the name-calling

Piliger

gara wrote: »

I love the way you call the husband horrible names with such unequivocal certainty. You have no idea what the man's motivations are for him wanting his wife to have his name. Maybe that's as important to him as keeping her name is to her.

Just because there's this mainstream macho image portrayed of men doesn't mean they can't feel upset or a little rejected inside when a woman doesn't share something they value. Women don't have the monopoly on feeling hurt so maybe lay off the name-calling

I agree with you 100%. We have absolutely no idea what these people are like in real life and no basis on which to judge them. My interest is in advising the OP in these threads, not judging them or judging their partners or dismissing them out of hand.

Ickle Magoo

This is an advice forum - please keep replies on topic and helpful to the OP. If you have an issue with a post or poser please use the report function rather than drag the thread off-topic.

Be aware that off-topic and unhelpful posting can earn you a ban from this forum.

If you haven’t done so already, please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter.

Many thanks.


As per site policy, if you have an issue with any moderator instruction or request please contact a relevant moderator via PM - DO NOT drag the thread further off-topic by responding on-thread

gara

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

This is an advice forum - please keep replies on topic and helpful to the OP. If you have an issue with a post or poser please use the report function rather than drag the thread off-topic.

Be aware that off-topic and unhelpful posting can earn you a ban from this forum.

If you haven’t done so already, please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter. Many thanks.

Suggesting that the OP doesn't begin to think of her husband as a 'dick' is advice. Important advice

Ickle Magoo

gara infracted for ignoring site policy spelt out in clear moderator instruction.

As per site policy, if you have an issue with any moderator instruction or request please contact a relevant moderator via PM - DO NOT drag the thread further off-topic by responding on-thread

Back on-topic please

MrCreosote

gara wrote: »

You have no idea what the man's motivations are for him wanting his wife to have his name. Maybe that's as important to him as keeping her name is to her.

His motivations are meaningless. She doesn't want to change her name. He knew this before they got married. Tough.

OP-hold your ground, and start planning now for what how you want to name any potential kids.

LegacyUser

OP My mum also didn't change her name. Myself and my sister had our dads surname and like an earlier poster said no took a blind bit of notice. It wasn't something my mum did as protest or for 'feminist' reasons. She just never thought of doing it and my dad didn't really care.

Is any future kids having your name or part of your name a big issue or is it just a case that you wanted to keep your surname? Make it clear to your husband which it is. If you do want future kids to have your name or double barrel or whatever then your going to have to talk to your husband and come to some arrangement you can both agree on. If you just want to keep your surname and don't have any issue with kids taking his surname then tell him that and tell him thats the end of it.

curlzy

What's with all the feminism bashing? Not sure, but some posters here seem to think it's a dirty word, so just so you know, feminism means equality for ALL, not superiority for women :rolleyes:

Anywho, OP, maybe you should do what me and my fianceé are doing? We're both feminists and had a good think about names. I'm not in favour of dropping my name and taking his as it all seems a bit archaic and like the female is property. So my fianceé came up with the brilliant idea of mixing our names and making a new one. Lucky for us our names mix easily and so we're going to be starting a new surname, which I think is pretty cool. We were out with both our families soon after we made that decision and told them and they all love the idea. So yeah we're gonna start a new name.

Threads like this really make me appreciate my fianceé, hmmm reminder to self *kiss the face off him later*.:D

Ellsbells

curlzy wrote: »

. I'm not in favour of dropping my name and taking his as it all seems a bit archaic and like the female is property

I don't think it does. 99% of the time no gun is held to anyone's head to change surname. It's a free choice as yours is. Any just while you are making a judgement on other people's decisions, tbh I find an amalgam of your surnames a little bit naff but each to their own.