is this inappropriate ?

sashafierce

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The Big Red Button

Relationship issues thataway -->

Your boyfriend didn't look (or says he didn't), so does it matter?

You and her obviously aren't close, so does it matter?

It doesn't sound as though her behaviour was entirely appropriate - but no harm done, by the sounds of it; and also, you imply that more than one birthdays/christmases have passed - so why worry about it now?

angeline

Well, it's not what I would expect from any of my friends. She doesn't sound very sensitive to others. Is it inappropriate? I would think yes definitely. However, I wouldn't terminate the friendship because of it if you were very close to her. Again, I know none of my friends would do this.

Moved from The Ladies' Lounge

sashafierce

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Abi

sashafierce wrote: »

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I don't feel it was appropriate to be honest. If I was going to get ready for a night out, I'd be fine changing around women, but I wouldn't do it in front of someone elses boyfriend or husband. Whether they're skinnier or bigger than you, it makes no odds. She could have found another room to change in.

Talking about her underwear isn't inappropriate, but her obvious intentions when she was doing it, and her undressing without a word of warning are.

Whatever about your boyfriend, that's not the point. The point is that she's clearly been insensitive and disrespectful to you, and seems to have a big ol' case of loving herself as well. I wouldn't bother with her to be honest.

sashafierce

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LegacyUser

Regardless of what she looks like, changing in front of your bf was completely disrespectful to you and just odd behaviour in general. I would never dream of doing that to any of my close friends out of basic respect.

Is she an attention seeking person in general op? Because that is the only reason I can see why anyone would do that, she clearly has no sense of boundaries imho ... I'd stay well clear of her , she sounds inconsiderate, disrespectful and incredibly self absorbed.

ihsb

Depending on your boundaries talking about underwear in front of a friends boyfriend might be inappropriate. But dressing in front of them? Plain odd, disrespectful and rude.

Piliger

Hi OP. This is 2012 and people need to chill out with the heavy use of the terms 'inappropriate'. Things can be inappropriate and serious. They can be inappropriate but really not very serious. They can be inappropriate but forgotten in ten seconds.

This girl may have different kinds of boundaries that you didn't realise, and she may not realise. You on the other hand may be sensitive about your weight and a bit insecure about your boyfriend. We are all different.

So it depends on how YOU feel because that is what really matters to you.

If you miss her then for goodness sakes get in touch. Was is SO serious that you terminate a relationship completely ? that is a major thing in my view.

Get in touch ... and if you feel you have to, raise the subject in a gentle way and see if she has anything to say about it .... and then move forward whichever way it takes you.

red_poppy

I don't think you over reacted at all OP in losing contact with her. I know it might not seem like something major to lose a friend over but what she did was very disrespectful and odd to get dressed in front of your boyfriend. As a girl, I would be disgusted too if a friend did that. It has nothing to do with you being insecure, I don't imagine there is any girl that would be comfortable with another girl getting dressed in front of their other half even if they were 100% comfortable and secure in their appearance. She sounds completely self-obsessed and ignorant.

sashafierce

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LegacyUser

Sorry OP, ur body/weight issues are your issue, not hers. I'm pretty sure there were no ulterior motives or desire to hurt you, instead, she just might be pretty comfortable with her body and have no problem changing with other people around. He's ur boyfriend, not a guy she's interested in and she probably didnt see it as an issue then to change in front of him. I for one used to be quite nervous about changing in front of people, but having spent a lot of time in gyms etc recently I just dont care anymore and would happily and have quite happily done a quick change with guys around - he was turned away from her and not looking, so whats the harm, you've probably given it more thought than she has.

So get over it and get your friend back

Piliger

sashafierce wrote: »

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Dear OP. When you ask a group of people their opinion on something you are dealing with, you will always find some that agree with whatever 'opinion' you already hold. The trick is to listen most to those who disagree, because those who agree only support your already formed view and don't test your doubt at all.

Abi

Piliger wrote: »

Hi OP. This is 2012 and people need to chill out with the heavy use of the terms 'inappropriate'. Things can be inappropriate and serious. They can be inappropriate but really not very serious. They can be inappropriate but forgotten in ten seconds.

But it was inappropriate, and classless if you ask me. Even if the friend had no 'boundaries' as you put it, she never for one second considered that the others in the room may not have had their own. Feigning ignorance on her part just doesn't wash with me. She knew what she was doing.

MistyCheese

guest 252 wrote: »

Sorry OP, ur body/weight issues are your issue, not hers. I'm pretty sure there were no ulterior motives or desire to hurt you, instead, she just might be pretty comfortable with her body and have no problem changing with other people around.

It's already been said by more than one person that "body issues" aren't even relevant here. Even if the OP were a lingerie model it doesn't mean she would necessarily be comfortable with another woman stripping off in front of her boyfriend.

This woman being comfortable with her body is also neither here nor there, unless she is three years old. At that age most kids will run around completely naked in front of strangers but as you grow up you learn about boundaries and polite society.

Piliger

Abi wrote: »

But it was inappropriate, and classless if you ask me. Even if the friend had no 'boundaries' as you put it, she never for one second considered that the others in the room may not have had their own. Feigning ignorance on her part just doesn't wash with me. She knew what she was doing.

Of course it was inappropriate

But it becomes a meaningless conversation when the degree to which is it inappropriate is not made clear.

If she had removed her panties and bra ... that would also have been inappropriate ... but a lot more serious and perhaps even bordering on offensive to the OP. If she had half hidden behind a screen that would also have been inappropriate ... but a lot less so.

People offering advice to a confused girlfriend and just labelling it as inappropriate don't really contribute to her dilemma in my personal and humble opinion.

I am opining myself - that it was NOT at the serious end of the scale and it should not be causing such an emotional upset to this OP that she feels she cannot salvage a frindship that she clearly cares about.

LegacyUser

I think you overreacted and I think the biggest issue for you is that she is skinnier.

I went to mixed schools, had mixed group of friends, I spent holidays with men and women... I've saw somebody's boyfriends in underwear or even naked on numerous occasions and they saw me in underwear and sometimes naked or at least topless. It was never an issue, it was never done to rub someone's face in or to impress somebody's bf and there was no sexual context to it. But then again maybe we were classless. :rolleyes:

I'm not Irish so maybe there are cultural differences I don't get but I still think your friend's offence wasn't big enough to basically cut contact with her. After all you went to her house to get ready together.

curlzy

Hey OP,

That's totally, 100%, inappropriate.

I had a total **** of a housemate once. Ms passive-aggressive *****face (as I like to call her) would wonder around the house in front of my boyfriend in her underwear :rolleyes: Luckily for me, my boyfriend found it completely inappropriate and would just ignore her. Her being in a state of undress never got to me because I've got a much better figure than her and my boyfriend never liked her but the disrespect she showed me by doing that totally got to me. Needless to say we moved out before long.

Women just don't wander around in a state of undress unless they're looking for attention or they're alone or they're at the beach. If they're doing it around your boyfriend then they want his attention, maybe they don't want him but they certainly want him to find them attractive.

That is beyond inappropriate, you shouldn't have to watch your back around friends. I honestly think you're better off without this "friend". So yeah certainly wouldn't be getting in contact any time soon.

WhatAMelon

If I was the boyfriend I would be bemused:p but not unduly so. I'm blasé by women in bikinis on the beach say - it's a routine phenomena and while the comparison isn't perfect, I would interpret any such situation in those terms.

But again her intent is the thing and that's hard to fully judge from this perspective. Was there a palpable intent to cause upset, injury and disrespect? Is the girl simply uninhibited and genuine? Maybe it was cheeky hijinks? If the first, end the friendship, IMO. If the second or third, don't.

Anyway, the OP has posed a good querie and a justified dilemma.

WhyGoBald

Let's say I had a boyfriend whose friend talked to me about underwear and then changed in front of me, I'd find it rude, weird and creepy and avoid him from then on. I think a sharp word with the friend is in order, and I'd avoid her if this or something similar happened again.

ManOfMystery

Everyone has their own thoughts and feelings about showing their body publicly. Some people are shy, others are extrovert. Some are confident, others are insecure. And so on and so forth. I don't think there's any doubt here which camp that woman falls into. That's all down to personality and individuality.

And then there's obviously cultural differences, where in some warm European countries it's much more common to see females in less attire (or various states of undress) than it is here, and also in countries where there's generally a more openminded and less inhibited attitude towards the body.

But regardless of all this ........................ there is usually a norm in most societies. And the norm here in Ireland, in an average house and not on a beach or swimming pool, when not with their partner/lover/husband/etc ...................... is that women generally don't take their clothes off in front of another male or walk around in their underwear unless they've got something to prove, or have some other ulterior motive. The vast majority of people here don't do it, and I'm sure the minority who do are fully aware how others will perceive them.

I think she was out of line.

Missy Moo Moo

Hi OP,

I'm sorry but based on the information volunteered here I think you're over-reacting and I don't think your friend was inappropriate.

There's a world of difference between your friend cavorting in front of your man and what she did. You mentioned, if I read correctly, that she got dressed behind him. Now, getting dressed behind him does not scream of cavorting her wares in front of him.

The bit about the leather underwear- that sounds to me like banter or conversation. Maybe she feels comfortable with you and your boyfriend?

I'm sorry to say this OP but this is more to do with you and your own insecurities, you brought up your friend is skinny and you're not. Why is that relevant? If your friend was overweight, would it bother you?

I don't want to come across as harsh but if you miss her, then life's too short to hold grudges over silly little things. I mean, her boyfriend was in the house as well, was she going to hop on him in front of both of you?

Try patch things up before it's too late.

Or maybe I'm wrong and your friend is a minxy temptress who is out to steal your man with her leather underwear. Only you know the answer, but I think you already do deep down...

By the way, I have plenty of close friends and with some of them, there's few things I haven't seen. But that's as a result of being close to them and therefore comfortable in each others presence.

Missy Moo Moo

curlzy wrote: »

Hey OP,

That's totally, 100%, inappropriate.

I had a total ****of a housemate once. Ms passive-aggressive b*tchface (as I like to call her) would wonder around the house in front of my boyfriend in her underwear :rolleyes: Luckily for me, my boyfriend found it completely inappropriate and would just ignore her. Her being in a state of undress never got to me because I've got a much better figure than her and my boyfriend never liked her but the disrespect she showed me by doing that totally got to me. Needless to say we moved out before long.

Women just don't wander around in a state of undress unless they're looking for attention or they're alone or they're at the beach.

No offence Curlzy, but your "total ****" of a housemate is hardly comparable to the OP's situation. The OP never once mentioned any past bad behaviour from her friend and she was obviously a good friend to the OP, or else she wouldn't miss her or be sad the friendship has extinguished.

fungun

People apply logic in different ways - your friend has equated what she did to wearing a bikini at a beach. Which imo is not too unreasonable, I agree with her, but its a viewpoint you may well disagree with. But it may also have been a sign of her confidence in your and your boyfriends friendship that she was ok to do this in front of him. You dont really mention the specifics enough to enable us to discern did she have other options....i.e. is it a house share where you only had 1 room. Or could she just have easily gone elsewhere, where you may feel why didnt she just do that.

either way, I think your reaction whereby you have let this turn into a friendship-ending incident is over the top

WhatAMelon

Look. The OP and her friend have two different value systems that's all.

The OP goes one way, her friend's goes the other. There's no 'wrong' answer to that.

This is just a case of two good but very different people crossing wires, IMO.

sashafierce

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Ickle Magoo

Folks,

Our charter states that advice should be civil, mature and constructive - that includes not throwing around completely unnecessary profanities.

If you can't get your point across without resorting to crass language, please don't post.

Cheers

Piliger

sashafierce wrote: »

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Hi OP ... that sounds like your mind is well made up and it's sorted. Best of luck.

LegacyUser

I think u're absolutley right to think it was inappropriate! You were uncomfortable, your bf was uncomfortable and 2 be quite frank so am I at her behavior! And thats from a 28yr old straight male! If ye both didn't feel right about it then thats that! And if ur "friend" thought anything of you she would have made it her business to make up for it!!! No loss... Just let the times u've had be.

dellas1979

Errr the girl changed from her underwear into other underwear in front of her boyfriend.

That is not normal behaviour and it is not justifyable by talking about the OPs "boundaries".

Anyone else here ever had their gfs friend change their underwear/bikini infront of them?

fungun

dellas1979 wrote: »

Errr the girl changed from her underwear into other underwear in front of her boyfriend.

That is not normal behaviour and it is not justifyable by talking about the OPs "boundaries".

Anyone else here ever had their gfs friend change their underwear/bikini infront of them?

As I understand it, she did not change her underwear....she changed down to her underwear - huge difference.

Have I seen gfs friends strip down to underwear/bikini? Yes, both. Bikinis on holidays often; underwear sometimes if preparing for a night out, as happened here.

Piliger

fungun wrote: »

Have I seen gfs friends strip down to underwear/bikini? Yes, both. Bikinis on holidays often; underwear sometimes if preparing for a night out, as happened here.

I couldn't count the times they are so numerous.

Chimpokomon

OP, you were dead right. She's one of those girls, whose games that men are apparently blind to. You all know the girl I mean, one who flirts openly with women's boyfriends, while the girlfriend seethes in fury. You'll find a lot of men will claim not to notice, and say things like 'sure she's just being friendly/ she's just comfortable with her body.' Please. Women like that know exactly what they're doing. You're well rid.

tan11ie

Friend Move on Op she's no friend!

sashafierce

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Missy Moo Moo

sashafierce wrote: »

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So you didn't really come here for advice and opinions, more for justification off strangers that you're doing the right thing? Maybe your former friend is hurt by the fact that it was suggested she was somehow hitting on your boyfriend/ flaunting her body in front of him? You even said she might have done it to make you feel bad about your own body? Maybe she took offence to that and that's why she hasn't acknowledged it but you'll never know as you won't talk to her.

Glad you've reached a resolution one way or another but from what I've learned in life OP, friendships are precious and you might not regret it today or tomorrow or in the immediate future but there will come a time when you miss her.

sashafierce

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Where did this happen? If it was in the sitting room, then it would seem quite odd, but if it was in her bedroom, then she might feel more comfortable doing it. If it was also in her bedroom, why didn't your boyfriend excuse himself if he was feeling uncomfortable? It was slightly inappropriate, but not enough to terminate the relationship. Some people have different boundaries than others and she might just be comfortable enough with herself that she doesn't care; I definitely wish I was as comfortable in my skin.

Ickle Magoo

sashafierce wrote: »

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As you don't require any advice, I'll lock this thread.

All the best. :cool: