Dating a shy girl

C.D.

I’d like some advice from anyone who a shy girl or has experience of dating a shy girl. I have been single for a year and can safely say this is girl is nothing short of amazing. I’ve dated 5 or so girls in that time and none of them had me endlessly daydreaming about them. My problem is I cannot tell if it is a case of she’s “just not that into me” and too nice to say it or is just holding back because she is shy. If it is the latter I’d like to know asap so I don’t get too emotionally involved and hurt.

I’m 25, she’s 26. I’ve relocated to the US, she’s American. We work together and from the first time we met (at a colleague’s party two months ago) I made it pretty clear I’m interested. Since then I’ve been in hot pursuit with lots of little romantic things, but it is definitely me in pursuit. The only thing is she might initiate about 60% of contact which then turns into long phone and text conversations. I asked her out on a date, we had a great time and she invited me back to hers after and we hung out. Seems pretty straightforward right? Well no not really. She said that she is generally a slow burner and needs to get to know and trust somebody before dating them and that this was new to her. We talked and I told her I really liked her and wanted to know her level of interest. She was very non-committal and did not say how / if she is interested and instead told me about her being badly hurt before and how she was wary of being hurt again. She also mentioned that she thinks I am bit of a player (I'm naturally flirtatious with people but 99% of the time it means nothing. I'm extremely picky about who I'm actually interested in) and that she worries I’m only interested in “the chase”. Also, she made it clear that kissing or anything further was off the table, so when it came to saying goodnight we hugged and held each other for 15 minutes or so.

So aside from the reluctance to say whether she is or is not interested, the aversion to physical intimacy, when we were talking about meeting up again the earliest she can do is two weeks away. She has friends visiting next week and works long hours. We will probably do something together with mutual friends next weekend, but no “us time” for two weeks. Personally, I believe if you like someone, you’ll make time. If a friend came to me with this story I’d tell them they were being firmly lined up as a friend, but my emotions are clouding my judgment. I am falling hard and fast for this girl and feeling pretty vulnerable having put it all out on the table. Every self-preservation instinct I have it telling me to walk away before I get hurt, but it has taken me a long time to find someone who is as intelligent, funny and compassionate as she is and who makes me feel this way. Advice?

TL;DR- Shy girl is non-committal, wouldn't kiss on first date, second date not for 2 weeks. Not that into me or just shy?

Meller

If she said she thinks you're a player, it might be that she is making you wait to make sure you genuinely like her?

You have put it all out on the table and feel vulnerable - she probably thinks that if you were being honest you won't mind taking it slow and waiting a while for the next date, but she doesn't want to fall for some insincere sweet talk.

I think if she follows through with the second date, she's interested, or she wouldn't bother.

Abi

C.D. wrote: »

I’d like some advice from anyone who a shy girl or has experience of dating a shy girl. I have been single for a year and can safely say this is girl is nothing short of amazing. I’ve dated 5 or so girls in that time and none of them had me endlessly daydreaming about them. My problem is I cannot tell if it is a case of she’s “just not that into me” and too nice to say it or is just holding back because she is shy. If it is the latter I’d like to know asap so I don’t get too emotionally involved and hurt.

I’m 25, she’s 26. I’ve relocated to the US, she’s American. We work together and from the first time we met (at a colleague’s party two months ago) I made it pretty clear I’m interested. Since then I’ve been in hot pursuit with lots of little romantic things, but it is definitely me in pursuit. The only thing is she might initiate about 60% of contact which then turns into long phone and text conversations. I asked her out on a date, we had a great time and she invited me back to hers after and we hung out. Seems pretty straightforward right? Well no not really. She said that she is generally a slow burner and needs to get to know and trust somebody before dating them and that this was new to her. We talked and I told her I really liked her and wanted to know her level of interest. She was very non-committal and did not say how / if she is interested and instead told me about her being badly hurt before and how she was wary of being hurt again. She also mentioned that she thinks I am bit of a player (I'm naturally flirtatious with people but 99% of the time it means nothing. I'm extremely picky about who I'm actually interested in) and that she worries I’m only interested in “the chase”. Also, she made it clear that kissing or anything further was off the table, so when it came to saying goodnight we hugged and held each other for 15 minutes or so.

So aside from the reluctance to say whether she is or is not interested, the aversion to physical intimacy, when we were talking about meeting up again the earliest she can do is two weeks away. She has friends visiting next week and works long hours. We will probably do something together with mutual friends next weekend, but no “us time” for two weeks. Personally, I believe if you like someone, you’ll make time. If a friend came to me with this story I’d tell them they were being firmly lined up as a friend, but my emotions are clouding my judgment. I am falling hard and fast for this girl and feeling pretty vulnerable having put it all out on the table. Every self-preservation instinct I have it telling me to walk away before I get hurt, but it has taken me a long time to find someone who is as intelligent, funny and compassionate as she is and who makes me feel this way. Advice?

TL;DR- Shy girl is non-committal, wouldn't kiss on first date, second date not for 2 weeks. Not that into me or just shy?

Sounds like shes being very cautious. She said she thought you might be a bit of a player, and you admitted yourself that you're a bit of a flirt. If shes been hurt before, you're probably not helping with this, to be honest with you.

I've never really understood the whole naturally being a bit of a flirt thing. I don't think it's appropriate to flirt with other people if you're trying to show you're interested in someone, but thats my take on it. You're not giving her much reason to trust you it's something you 'naturally' do.

You're going to have to wait this one out if you really do like her, and just behave yourself.

C.D.

Abi wrote: »

Sounds like shes being very cautious. She said she thought you might be a bit of a player, and you admitted yourself that you're a bit of a flirt. If shes been hurt before, you're probably not helping with this, to be honest with you.

I've never really understood the whole naturally being a bit of a flirt thing. I don't think it's appropriate to flirt with other people if you're trying to show you're interested in someone, but thats my take on it. You're not giving her much reason to trust you it's something you 'naturally' do.

You're going to have to wait this one out if you really do like her, and just behave yourself.

I think giving it time is the best thing to do. I guess I'm just worried I'll end up hurt. If I'm honestly I'm fallen too much for her already given that I don't know how she feels. You are right in that it is disrespectful to flirt with other people if front of someone you like and that's not what I'd be like. Right now there is nobody who comes close to her so it won't be an issue. If I'm overly flirtatious with her, it's probably because I've been friendzoned one too many times for my liking!

Piliger

Hi OP.

Well you are a foreigner and new to the US, so maybe she is being intelligently cautious. And to be honest I am a bit surprised about your comments about getting hurt. Look ... life is about engaging with real people and taking chances. We can't receive unless we give. Getting hurt is part of the whole risk of giving and receiving love. If you are constantly thinking about getting hurt, then you will not be able to give and a sensitive girl WILL feel that.

Also to be honest OP, in your post you don't come across that you are really THAT into this girl. It seems to me that there is every possibility you actually are being seduced by the chase, and her holding back may well be causing you to want her even more.

You need to make sure this is not the case, or you will end up ... yes ... hurt and hurting her.

I think you should slow down. Enjoy life and not spend your time wondering and thinking and second guessing. You've met a girl you like .. RELAX. Let it happen. Appreciate her for her ... and not for what might happen or not happen or maybe happen. Chill out and maybe flirt a little less. Don't feel anxious that you have to flirt.

blatantrereg

She said that she is generally a slow burner and needs to get to know and trust somebody before dating them

Seems straightforward enough.

I think she's right that it might be the chase that really has you so interested. You act like you think she's fantastic and dying over her, yet express distrust and a readiness to pre-emptively ditch her. You want to make a big song and dance about her, or else walk away completely. Neither option pays much respect to her straightforward desire to take things very slow.

I'd be pretty sure that if she was to be openly interested in you that you would find she lost her sparkle for you fairly soon. I think you are more interested in dramatics than in real people.

Abi

C.D. wrote: »

I think giving it time is the best thing to do. I guess I'm just worried I'll end up hurt.

I think it's fair to say she feels the same way.

If I'm honestly I'm fallen too much for her already given that I don't know how she feels. You are right in that it is disrespectful to flirt with other people if front of someone you like and that's not what I'd be like. Right now there is nobody who comes close to her so it won't be an issue. If I'm overly flirtatious with her, it's probably because I've been friendzoned one too many times for my liking!

Have you told her how strongly you feel?