Am I Difficult?

LegacyUser

Hi there,

Looking for some advice. I am quite a direct person and communication is important to me in a relationship. The last few guys I have dated thought that this made me high maintenance and difficult. Just to make clear what I am talking about. I don't mean that we have to have really deep conversations about every waking thought but if there is a problem I like to deal with it and not brush it under the carpet. For example if I believe that my partner is annoyed about something I have done I would prefer they say it rather than pretending they are not. I have found that the guys I met would rather not deal with any conflict. I do not actively look for conflict but don't avoid it if the situation dictates.

I am not sure if I am explaining myself properly but I find that the guys I have met recently don't really want to discuss things and then I start questioning myself that maybe I am difficult. As I have had the same experience with two guys am wondering if me being like this is a turn off? Does wanting open honest communication equate to being difficult? Am confused and would welcome feedback. I know have made generalisations here and not all men are the same but asking as a kind of "in general" question. Maybe also am going for wrong men. Thanks in advance.

LegacyUser

Perhaps you are coming across as self absorbed, just from reading your post i get the sense that maybe when a partner is annoyed you automatically presume it's because of something you have done wrong or a relationship problem. I can imagine if your bf had a bad day in work or something and then had to come home to face you presuming his bad mood somehow revolved around you/the relationship it would be quite irritating, and seem uncaring.

Also how do you broach these perceived issues? Is it a case of you asking if you'd done something wrong rather than asking if your partner was ok, a small difference maybe but a difference none the less, one approach smacks of self obsession the other is more compassionate and caring.

Also not everyone wants to have to constantly discuss every trivial annoyance in a relationship, maybe they feel it's not worth discussing and would rather just let their annoyance blow over rather than making a big deal over it (pick your battles as the saying goes) I can imagine that would come across as neediness and insecurity and be very smothering. I know sometimes I may be in a bad mood over work or whatnot and my partner will do something that annoys me, but I recognise that I'm over reacting because I'm already irritated so will let it pass, if my bf was to constantly pressure me by asking if he'd done something wrong in such situations it would be a massive turn off, the neediness would drive me insane tbh.

Maybe I'm way off the mark but thats the gut reaction I got from your post if I'm being brutaly honest op.

gypsy_rose

I'm exactly the same as you. And in my opinion we're much better off. I can't have a long term fight with my boyfriend because both of us just blurt out what's on our minds pretty fast and then it gets solved. It would be much worse to be with a person that would let their resentment fester for days. So no, there is nothing wrong with you being direct and communicative. Maybe the only problem is they feel like you're getting serious too fast or are being a little pedantic? Just throwing it out there but honestly you sound fine.

ihsb

I am brutally honest. If I am sad or happy about something I will say it. I am regarded as high maintenance. I hate the label but I just communicate and expect the same. If only I could find a man like me. Stay being yourself OP.

Piliger

Hi OP. You are asking a very difficult question. An impossible one really.

On the surface you do seem like you COULD come across quite stern and demanding and ... high maintenance. But it could have been those two guys !

If you are .. then that is how you are. The thing is to try to make sure you chose the right kind of guys They have to be able to handle that kind of person; that kind of directness. It's not everyone's cup of tea.

I would suggest you raise this topic with your closest friends and see what they have to say.

LegacyUser

Hi OP here,

Thanks to those who replied. Food for thought. To be honest I never equated being honest and direct as high mainteance before so its interesting how it can be perceived as that. I guess I always thought it was a good way to be but as someone said not everyone likes that.

Pillinger I think you give good advice but did you think I sounded difficult from my post wasn't exactly sure what you meant that I could be perceived as?

Peanut2011

OP,

I have to say I prefer a person who will say what is on their mind. That way is a lot easier to resolve any issues and move on.

Unfortunately it is not always what you say but rather how you say it. Sometimes being very direct will come across as moody, opinionated, snotty and generally high maintenance. Most people don't want to deal in direct way and quite often that leads to rows and arguments.

I would suggest you review your approach. There is a way to be direct and address the issue without being overwhelming. It is usually in the way things are said. Body language, words used, tone of voice and so one.

Maybe that is the issue?

Taltos

I guess some of it also depends on how you approach these conversations?

Do you hold them irrespective of the wishes or the indications from your partners? I mean do you go ahead and speak your mind or piece just to get it out there and needle them to maybe do the same?
Sometimes folk just want to let things lie to get a chance of some perspective, distance from the actual event or problem. Yes I know this can sometimes make things seem worse but it can also help you realise that the other person has a valid view without being brow-beaten by it.

Also - how to you approach these chats? Are you all full on or do you tease your way into the conversation? Listening or looking for signals that really now is not the best time to be having this specific chat?

My fear is that you are ignoring the wishes of your partners just so you can unload and start to feel better yourself without any thought or care to how they may feel as a result. I am not saying you are doing this in fact - but it is a risk and one that could end up in them painting you as high maintenance. If for example they never know when you are going to have one of your chats, but that they know it is coming - they can't avoid it - and they will feel crap afterwards, well I think you can see how exhausting that gets very fast.

Hope this helped - maybe look to yourself first, see why you feel you have to talk everything out and if you are choosing the wrong times to do so.

Big Bag of Chips

Taltos wrote: »

maybe look to yourself first, see why you feel you have to talk everything out and if you are choosing the wrong times to do so.

This!

Sometimes it's just "having a bad day". Nothing specific, just feeling a bit down. So if someone tells you "it doesn't matter", then maybe you need to accept that 'it doesn't matter' and allow them to work through whatever feelings they need to themselves. Not everyone can be bright and fun and happy all the time.

Also - if someone is upset because of something you, specifically, have done, then you usually have a fair idea of what it might be, without having to ask. So if you honestly can't think of anything that may have caused it, then there's a good chance it's nothing to do with you.

As Chillchill mentioned - do you approach it in a caring "is there anything I can do for you?" way, or do you approach it in a "what have I done?" sort of way... there's a difference between the two.

Not everything has to be about you, and what you may have done... maybe that's where the "high maintenance" is coming from?

LegacyUser

OP here again,

Thanks to everyone for their responses -I know it was a vague enough question so appreciate the feedback though some of it was hard to hear. I guess I have always associated being open and direct as positives in terms of people know where they stand with me etc. I know some people are not like this so its interesting to hear how it coud be really difficult to deal with.

To those who say I am self absorbed - that is really not the case. I am not someone who thinks everything is about me or if my partner is in a bad mood that its me me me. Not at all. I think the part about understanding that others may find my communication style hard is great feeback - also stuff like tone etc and timing. I guess you could say pick your battles and all that. Also, there is something about a need in all of this that I should try to figure out - I do have a huge need to get stuff out and this is about me so there could be an element of self absorption in that!! Damn. I guess I could focus on toning things down a bit, will try and work on that.

I just dont like things festering and the guys I mentioned would come back a week later and bring up something and say they were annoyed when it could have been dealt with at the time. Refusing to discuss things or stone walling can be quite controlling so there must be a happy medium in there somewhere.

P. Breathnach

ihsb wrote: »

I am brutally honest. If I am sad or happy about something I will say it. ... I just communicate and expect the same....

I'm not picking up on this in order to have a go at ihsp, but because it summarises a viewpoint that many people have, and which looks to me to be close enough to OP's position.

People differ greatly (that's why a forum like this is helpful to many). A lot of people are not comfortable with "brutal honesty", and might be intimidated or alienated by it. Some of us (myself included) tend to take a more circuitous route in addressing interpersonal difficulties, and can choose to let some things go rather than confront them. That's not necessarily chickening out: we can choose to tolerate some things that we find irksome because we recognise that finding them irksome is our own doing.

Why should one person's preference for being direct be considered better than another person's preference for being indirect?

ash23

For example if I believe that my partner is annoyed about something I have done I would prefer they say it rather than pretending they are not.

To be honest, sometimes people are just in bad form. Maybe a bad day at work, tiredness or just their fave footie team losing. Personally when I am in the horrors I stay quiet and want to be by myself. And if someone was at me to know what was wrong or asking if it was something they had done, it wouldn't do anything to improve my mood.

If you've actually done something and you know that is why they are annoyed, then a simple "are you annoyed because I did xyz" is enough to broach it. If they say no, leave well enough alone and if they say yes, it opens the floor for discussion.

Just because you want to deal with something right away, doesn't mean it's the best idea. If I'm really annoyed with someone I prefer to leave it for a while and cool down before discussing it.


You sound a bit bullheaded (and I mean no offence by that) but you seem like someone who, once they get an idea into their head, they won't let it go. And that even if your fella isn't annoyed with you, you will wear him down until he is.

Read the audience OP. You can be blunt while also being aware of your surroundings and timing is everything in these "discussions".

Piliger

Hi OP.

One of the reasons why this is such an impossible discussion, and it is exactly that, is because of three things.

Firstly It's all a matter of interpretation. As you see from the above posts ... it's not always about what you feel and want to say, but about how you say it and when. And we have no clue how you are saying it .... and probably neither do you ! Hence my suggestion about talking to your friends etc.

The second thing is this. Most people say they like to be direct and want their partner to be direct ..... but in actual fact they don't and aren't. It's one of those life's conundrums. Like it or not we are all very hypocritical on this subject. However some more than others .... clearly

Thirdly, we are Irish! And bloody hell we irish are absolutely not open and direct in this way ! All you have to do is visit the States and experience what Open and Direct really means .... and it's not us

jack89

Hi op no you're not difficult and i wouldnt come away from this thread thinking i was difficult if i were you. I think its great that you're aware of when your partner isn't in a good mood, but maybe your communication style could be changed or worked on. Sometimes it's not about confronting them and getting it sorted out but just being there for
them even though they're not particularly fun to be around for the time being. Once you show them you care in a gentler way than direct confrontation they may open up when the bad feelings have passed.

If they're stonewalling you though as a means of control or even manipulation as someone above mentioned i think its a good quality to have to be direct, in other words not taking crap.

I think, when a man calls you difficult he's being defensive and doesn't want to talk about how he's feeling so don't take it personally but try to understand why he's said that and change your approach?

Mighty_Mouse

There is very little to go on here but it could be a case of nuture v smother.

You recognise that there is something not working in your recent interactions with the opposite sex, yet you immediately become defensive of your "direct communication" style.

Almost as if you are unwilling to question or concede that there may be some issues with it. You consider your approach as a strong point whereby to others it might be perceived as a personality weakness.

To men it might be perceived as abrasive, intense.
Everyone of us is different. We all need room to breath and deal with things in our own way.
Surely the objective is to nuture a potential partner ie support them in being whomever it is they want to be; as opposed to smothering them by enforcing them to conform to your superior "direct communication" problem solving style?

Piliger

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

To men it might be perceived as abrasive, intense.
Everyone of us is different. We all need room to breath and deal with things in our own way.
Surely the objective is to nuture a potential partner ie support them in being whomever it is they want to be; as opposed to smothering them by enforcing them to conform to your superior "direct communication" problem solving style?

That is a very astute point. When we enter relationships we cannot bring a set of rules by which our partner has to conform. If we want a relationship and care about our partner, then we bring our needs and desires and mix them with our partners needs and desires and work out a compromise. That's what a relationship is. We have to learn from our partner what they like and what works for them. Some people suffer pressure differently for example and need to be given some space. Some like to be cuddled and asked what's wrong and to discuss it. Some people like to 'process' how they feel over a couple of days before they feel they want to tackle an awkward situation. Some like to front up to it straight away. People are different and that's what makes life interesting and a pain in the neck ... both at the same time

I don't know about the men out there but I have encountered quite a few women who have had some bad experiences in relationships and adopt the "you must adapt to me" attitude. They do get labelled, correctly and if you ask me - generously, as high maintenance.

I don't know what the OP would be because there simply is not enough information.

Lorna123

I just think that if there is an obious problem then there is no harm in discussing it or asking about it, but it would be annoying for anyone to have to explain every single thing they do or say. Sometimes it is nice to wonder about someone rather than having everything spelt out and no mystery.

LegacyUser

Bluntly, if I was in a relationship with you I'd be thinking about running too. I'm one of these people who does communicate and am fairly direct myself. But, there are times when I want time to think about things first and then talk about them. Or there are things I don't want to discuss at all. It's my right to do this just as much as you feel it's your right to bring everything out on the open.