stepping on my toes

blacklilly

I'm kinda seeing this guy, I've posted about him before, anyway its really early days and its not exclusive.
I've a friend who knows this guy through work, she knows the story between me and this guy but I honestly feel like she's trying to weasel herself in.
I was e-mailing her last week, pretty much every day, anyway I found out through this guy that he met up with her for lunch, last minute thing and he asked her had she asked me, her response was that I was in a meeting which wasn't true, she had me mailing me before and after lunch.
Then I find out through him again that they met up on Saturday, she was in his area and called him, later she tells me about this as well and she was more or less rubbing it in my face. She only knows him through work and she no longer works for our company yet she is making sure that she keeps her foot in. I don't want to come across as if I'm jealous or possessive but I think its strange that she is calling him, asking him for lunch etc, put it this way, I would never do that to s friend.
I'm actually surprised how this is making me feel. She knows I really like this guy obviously but I don't understand why she is doing this.
Before anyone says that this guy is playing both of us, he's not, hes the one who tells me straight away about these things and he even mentioned that he found it slightly strange even though he gets on with her.
Do you think I should tell her to back off?

Abi

blacklilly wrote: »

I'm kinda seeing this guy, I've posted about him before, anyway its really early days and its not exclusive.
I've a friend who knows this guy through work, she knows the story between me and this guy but I honestly feel like she's trying to weasel herself in.
I was e-mailing her last week, pretty much every day, anyway I found out through this guy that he met up with her for lunch, last minute thing and he asked her had she asked me, her response was that I was in a meeting which wasn't true, she had me mailing me before and after lunch.
Then I find out through him again that they met up on Saturday, she was in his area and called him, later she tells me about this as well and she was more or less rubbing it in my face. She only knows him through work and she no longer works for our company yet she is making sure that she keeps her foot in. I don't want to come across as if I'm jealous or possessive but I think its strange that she is calling him, asking him for lunch etc, put it this way, I would never do that to s friend.
I'm actually surprised how this is making me feel. She knows I really like this guy obviously but I don't understand why she is doing this.
Before anyone says that this guy is playing both of us, he's not, hes the one who tells me straight away about these things and he even mentioned that he found it slightly strange even though he gets on with her.
Do you think I should tell her to back off?

First and foremost, I'm not entirely sure I'd call her a 'friend'. But on a side note, you said you and he aren't 'exclusive'. I'd have a chat with him and see what he wants between you and him. This talk needs to happen because you're not happy with him seeing her, and he is assuming you're okay with them having lunch or doing whatever.

I'd ordinarily say to you that it is perfectly okay with a man and a woman being friends etc., but she is lying and that tells me a whole different story.

blacklilly

I should clarify, I work with this guy so we're taking it really slowly. I just can't my head around her behaviour, she's never told me that she likes him yet its obvious that she does. Others have mentioned this also.
He is very friendly but is beginning to question it himself. He knows I was put out when I heard they went for lunch and aplogised, even though he has no reason to be sorry.
I just don't get why some girls act like this, I would have considered her a close friend whereas now I actually don't wanna speak to her. Part of me wants to ask her what she is playing at but then another part of me thinks is it worth the hassle.
It would be totally different if they were good friends, they're not, they worked together for only a few months but they did get on well.

Abi

blacklilly wrote: »

I should clarify, I work with this guy so we're taking it really slowly. I just can't my head around her behaviour, she's never told me that she likes him yet its obvious that she does. Others have mentioned this also.
He is very friendly but is beginning to question it himself. He knows I was put out when I heard they went for lunch and aplogised, even though he has no reason to be sorry.
I just don't get why some girls act like this, I would have considered her a close friend whereas now I actually don't wanna speak to her. Part of me wants to ask her what she is playing at but then another part of me thinks is it worth the hassle.
It would be totally different if they were good friends, they're not, they worked together for only a few months but they did get on well.

Like I said, she's no friend. I'm not sure asking her what shes at will achieve much other than a cat fight, because it seems fairly obvious to me.

In any other situation I would say, so what they've only had lunch or whatever, but she lied about you being in a meeting. It's her instigating the meets all the time, like when she said he was in her area. Chances are she made sure she was.

It's him you need to talk to, and if you want something exclusive then now is a good time to bring it up.

Gooner111

Hey op

Given you and your chap aren't exlcusive then realistically it is within her right to go for him as others can do... just personally I think it is really really bad form to do so especially after you've told her how much you like him. I suggest you email her (easier to keep emotions in check) and ask her what exactly she is playing at - do it in a nice way of course. Don't get into a fight with her but see what she says. Then you can decide whether you want to forgive and forget. If she has been a good friend up till now would be a shame to lose her if you can help it.

As for why she has done it.... honestly no idea. My guess is that she had liked him the time they worked together (your second post stating others had noticed she likes him is my basis) and was jealous/angry when you started dating him. Maybe she felt she missed an opportunity and then when she found out that you two aren't exclucive saw an opening and decided to try her luck. You'll only know her thoughts if you talk to her.

stargazer 68

Op - others are right - shes no friend HOWEVER she can only 'weasel herself in' if he lets her!! Sort out the situation with him - are you dating exclusively or not. If so then you will know that she stands no chance with him. If you aren't exclusive then he's fair game for anyone - yes its not nice to do that to a friend but as we have said she isn't much of a friend.

Big Bag of Chips

Why don't you just bring it up in a casual way...

"Oh, xxx told me you met for lunch the other day, where did you get the idea I was in a meeting?"
"Oh, xxx told me you called into him the other day when you were in the area, that's nice..." etc

She might think she's getting away with all this behind your back, and he's not saying anything to you. But if you are pally with her anyway, and would be in regular contact through email and text, then it would not be unusual for you to mention these things to her... and you will be letting her know that xxx tells you every time he meets her...?

P. Breathnach

Hi, blacklilly. I remember your previous thread. While you say it's early days with this man, perhaps you should now be at the point of having the talk about being exclusive. Tell him that you have no current interest in going out with other men, and see if he echoes your sentiment (about other women in his case, of course!).

Unless you have an agreement about being exclusive, you have no right to tell her to back off.

If it's the same "friend" who featured in your previous thread, I'd be thinking of frying her in very hot oil. Telling lies about your being unavailable is unacceptable, and I hope you let your man know that she lied.

She Who Dares Wins

She is as Carrie Bradshaw would say a "frenemy".....possibly with low self-esteem- which means that her self-esteem gets a boost if she thinks she can get the man you want. Or maybe she does like him. Either way she's getting her game on and you aint!

Under no circumstance email her to take her on about this...if you do she gets the upper hand because she knows that it bothers you.
Phase out the contact with her.If she emails and you REALLY must message her back, tell her what you had for lunch and that your stapler is broken and that Home & Away is back on tv...but dont indulge her by mentioning the man!

But do talk to him. If you genuinely like this fella and things are going well, then move it along or find out if he wants to. If he mentions her contact, tell him what you suspect and how odd her emails to you about him are. Plant one on em and then smile and tell him he's being played by a bunny boiler, he wont like this if he has testosterone!

And don't be surprised by this scenario...you and me are women....and there is no point in denying that women can be competitive bitches! So just don't lose!

Forever Hopeful

blacklilly wrote: »

I'm kinda seeing this guy, I've posted about him before, anyway its really early days and its not exclusive.
I've a friend who knows this guy through work, she knows the story between me and this guy but I honestly feel like she's trying to weasel herself in.
I was e-mailing her last week, pretty much every day, anyway I found out through this guy that he met up with her for lunch, last minute thing and he asked her had she asked me, her response was that I was in a meeting which wasn't true, she had me mailing me before and after lunch.
Then I find out through him again that they met up on Saturday, she was in his area and called him, later she tells me about this as well and she was more or less rubbing it in my face. She only knows him through work and she no longer works for our company yet she is making sure that she keeps her foot in. I don't want to come across as if I'm jealous or possessive but I think its strange that she is calling him, asking him for lunch etc, put it this way, I would never do that to s friend.
I'm actually surprised how this is making me feel. She knows I really like this guy obviously but I don't understand why she is doing this.
Before anyone says that this guy is playing both of us, he's not, hes the one who tells me straight away about these things and he even mentioned that he found it slightly strange even though he gets on with her.
Do you think I should tell her to back off?

Just playing Devil's Advocate here, but who's to say he isn't the one instigating the meetings, telling you it's all her and playing you both off each other. You said its early days... And neither you nor your friend are comparing notes? This lad is having the last laugh.
Grow a pair and ask her.

blacklilly

Thank you all for your replies.

I suppose although I agree that as we are not exclusive that it is fair game, I don't agree that my friend should be chancing her arm, I've done nothing wrong in all of this yet she is genuinely hurting me.
I'm beginning to think shes incredible self centered.
Anyway I mentioned to her today that x said he met her for lunch and I casually said in a joking way, oh did you not want me there and where did you get the idea I had a meeting, she straight away went on the defensive about it all and then asked why did he agree to meet her for lunch, said he was trying to play me. so I told her the only person playing me is her and that I like to be treated the way I treat others, then she went off on one.
He called me after work saying she told him that I told her to keep any from him etc (all untrue) and thankfully he knew it, he now knows that she was playing games and told her out straight that he liked her on a friendship level and absolutely nothing more and if she continued to play these games he would not entertain her company again.

I feel so comforted by this because for a while I've been thinking that I was somewhat paranoid and was too embarrassed to mention it incase I was wrong.
As for me and him, we haven't had that talk yet but its looking good.

She Who Dares Wins

Good to hear....but stop calling her your friend huh?

blacklilly

She Who Dares Wins wrote: »

Good to hear....but stop calling her your friend huh?

Yes good idea, old habit!

She Who Dares Wins

You go girl

LegacyUser

Why can't they just be friends!?

You have a serious case of the green eyed monster. He let you know that it wasn't a date but you went ahead and made him feel bad about seeing her anyway. Lets say she does fancy him. Do you think that if he actually does want you that it will happen with this girl?

Your problem is not this girl, your problem is this guy won't commit to you. Tell him you want to be exclusive and then go from there.

LegacyUser

Kinda agree with the other poster op, okay this girl isn't your friend and what shes doing is not very nice to say the least but alls fair in love and war. Whats to stop another girl from dating him or asking him out? In reality he could be dating others you don't know about, if you're this uncomfortable and jealous with the thought of him seeing other people, why not tell him straight out and ask him to be your boyfriend? at the end of the day this guy is single. And so are you. instead of worrying about all the other single women in the world who have every right to date this guy, I'd be more worried why this guy hasn't committed to you and why you're avoiding bringing the conversation up?

blacklilly

enchanter wrote: »

Why can't they just be friends!?

You have a serious case of the green eyed monster. He let you know that it wasn't a date but you went ahead and made him feel bad about seeing her anyway. Lets say she does fancy him. Do you think that if he actually does want you that it will happen with this girl?

Your problem is not this girl, your problem is this guy won't commit to you. Tell him you want to be exclusive and then go from there.

Hold on a second, I never once said they can't be friends, I never once made him feel bad about meeting with her. When he found out that she had lied about me having a meeting and being unable to go for lunch he didnt like it and then when she called him saying I had told her to stay away from him (which I didn't) he got really annoyed with her because it was obvious she was into him. He also thinks that its totally out of line as she is my friend. I'm not in any way a green eyed monster, would you like if someone you considered as a close friend was actively perusing someone you were seeing? I doubt it. She was always the one contacting him.
Also when I say we aren't exclusive I mean we are taking it very slowly. I know he likes me, he's told me. We spend a good bit of time together, he is not seeing other girls again he has told me this but we just don't want to officially name our relationship. We work together so for obvious reasons we want to be careful about it.