six months in.

LegacyUser

I've had a hell of a year so far.

It started out with my father being extremely ill. I've been half living at home for the last few years, spending a lot of time down there and helping with the farm as my father was too ill to manage it. At Christmas it looked like he was at deaths door. But he pulled out of it just in time to be well enough to attend court for a horribly stressful case for my family for the last few years. On the morning of that case, I wasnt worried about the outcome, I was worried about my Dad and if his health would hold up to it.

In the meantime I met a man. He's a lovely guy, really hard worker and really devoted to me and helps me out a lot. I know I'll come in for some flak for this, but as well as being a country girl at heart, I'm highly qualified and had a crazy time in my twenties so fairly worldly. He's worked non stop since he got out of college as far as I can make out. And hasnt had the range of experiences that make a lot of people in their thirties. He's not remotely trendy or clued in culturally. We just dont have the same tastes in music, books etc but we do both love our hobby that we met through and we love the outdoors.

Three months into the relationship, my Dad died quite suddenly. BF was an absolute rock to me and helped out in every way that he could. Since then he's done a lot to help me out. However it now transpires that my mum cant stand him. They are very very different people. Chalk and cheese. And he's nervous around her so keeps saying stupid things. I find it really frustrating. My mum has made it clear she doesnt want him around so much (she's quite an introvert anyway). I was telling my sister about it and how sad and frustrated I was at the situation and then my sister said that she doesnt feel comfortable around him either.

This awoke a huge amount of baggage for me. I went out with a guy before for four years and he was bad news. No one liked him ( I only woke up to this slowly). He was not a good person though, and well, current guy is, I know he is. But I'm beginning to doubt myself and wonder if its the same thing all over again.

So now I've been with him for six months and all this is happening and the usual stuff which happens around six months is happening too where you begin to see the other persons flaws. And I've gone all distant with him but I dont trust myself. Theres so much else going on emotionally I dont know what way is up or down. I was perfectly fine and happy until ten days ago.

What can I do?

dixiefly

Your mum and your sister sound quite horrible. Also I get a feeling that you count your life experiences as somewhat superior to your boyfriends which it may well not be the case.

You have 2 questions in my opinion. Do YOU like him enough to pursue a longer relationship and do you feel the relationship is strong enough to overcome the inappropriate negative vibes from your mum and sister? You should tease out the reason for these negative feelings towards him as part of making up your mind.

Zhora

Firstly I would suggest do not listen to what anyone else thinks, even your family. Perhaps they are just worried for you or perhaps they feel threatened that this relationship will take you away from your family. Honestly your Mum & your sister not liking your boyfriend is really their issue but perhaps you might sit them down and listen to exactly why they feel the way they do. In the end, though it is really all down to how you feel and being able to trust your own judgement.

No-one is perfect and perhaps you are freaking out a bit and expecting the current relationship to be just like your past ones. This very way of thinking will attract the situation to you, it's the power of attraction, so relax a little. I think you would benefit from taking some time for yourself away from a relationship to process the emotions you have been going through. You've gone through a lot of traumatic events and you just need some time to recover emotionally.

If your boyfriend is the good guy you feel he is he will understand your need for time and space. Talk to him about it. You need to take time to get to a place where you trust your ability to choose the right person for you regardless of what anyone else thinks, only you know who is right for you.

I wish you all the best!

LegacyUser

dixiefly wrote: »

Your mum and your sister sound quite horrible.

Actually, they're not. They have been a great support to me over the years including when the last long termer fell to bits. But that doesnt mean they're not wrong in this case. Or that they shouldnt keep their feelings to themselves.

Also I get a feeling that you count your life experiences as somewhat superior to your boyfriends which it may well not be the case.

and it also may be the case. some things ARE better than others.

You have 2 questions in my opinion. Do YOU like him enough to pursue a longer relationship and do you feel the relationship is strong enough to overcome the inappropriate negative vibes from your mum and sister? You should tease out the reason for these negative feelings towards him as part of making up your mind.

good advice. I'm going to give myself some time anyway and see how it goes.

ash23

Have they specified why it is that they don't like him? Or is it just that they think he is wrong for you?
To be honest OP, I had a long termer end too and my family picked up the pieces, all the while saying that they never liked him, he wasn't right for me etc. I asked why didn't they tell me that and in future they were to tell me because I respect their opinion.

Now, they haven't met my current boyfriend yet and if they don't like him, it would make me seriously consider things but it wouldn't necessarily mean that I would end things with him. I'd just take what they are saying on board, try to look at it objectively and see if there is any truth in it.
However, if I decided to continue the relationship, I would thank them for being honest, ask them to give him a chance and ask them to say no more about it (as in, I wouldn't put up with them running him down either).

MissFlitworth

OP could some of their discomfort around and seeming dislike of your boyfriend maybe be more to do with grief than your boyfriend? It seems like your dad is only gone for 3 months, people aren't always very rational in the first few months after a huge loss (especially after what sounds like an utterly horrific few years for all of you). There's also that feeling when you are heartbroken that you want to crawl down a hole away from people, it can be hard enough being nice to people you already know & love.

If your Mam & your sister can't give you a real reason why they don't like him, it might be an idea to just keep them apart for the next while. You are also grieving so don't beat yourself up if you're all over the place at the minute as well.

LegacyUser

ash23 wrote: »

Have they specified why it is that they don't like him? Or is it just that they think he is wrong for you?
To be honest OP, I had a long termer end too and my family picked up the pieces, all the while saying that they never liked him, he wasn't right for me etc. I asked why didn't they tell me that and in future they were to tell me because I respect their opinion.

This is exactly how I feel, and my biggest fear is that maybe they're right! I dont know. We get on great. Really comfortable in each others company at home, but when we're out and about I guess I worry if he will fit in with my friends. He will with some and not with others (I have all kinds of friends).

Now, they haven't met my current boyfriend yet and if they don't like him, it would make me seriously consider things but it wouldn't necessarily mean that I would end things with him. I'd just take what they are saying on board, try to look at it objectively and see if there is any truth in it.
However, if I decided to continue the relationship, I would thank them for being honest, ask them to give him a chance and ask them to say no more about it (as in, I wouldn't put up with them running him down either).

Good advice I think. I suppose because of my baggage I'm feeling a bit defensive about it now, and I need to not be.

LegacyUser

MissFlitworth wrote: »

OP could some of their discomfort around and seeming dislike of your boyfriend maybe be more to do with grief than your boyfriend? It seems like your dad is only gone for 3 months, people aren't always very rational in the first few months after a huge loss (especially after what sounds like an utterly horrific few years for all of you). There's also that feeling when you are heartbroken that you want to crawl down a hole away from people, it can be hard enough being nice to people you already know & love.

If your Mam & your sister can't give you a real reason why they don't like him, it might be an idea to just keep them apart for the next while. You are also grieving so don't beat yourself up if you're all over the place at the minute as well.

Yes we are all over the place. Its weird, I'm very much at peace with my father's death, but I didnt expect to feel quite so unsettled afterwards.

ibarelycare

I think that's really harsh of your mam and your sister to say they don't like him. Have they actually given you valid reasons? Your mam and your boyfriend are very different, but that's no reason for her not to like him. Can she not sense that he's a bit awkward around her and maybe that's why he says the wrong things? And why does your sister feel "uncomfortable" around him?? Have you asked her to clarify that?

Although it is great if your family approve of your partner, it shouldn't change how you feel about him, unless their reasons are truly justified. If they're putting these doubts in your head then maybe he's NOT right for you, but you should come to that decision on your own. You're also worried about him and your friends...you seem to worry quite a lot about what OTHER people think of him.

Anyway, is it really necessary for him to be around your family that much? You say you're "half" living at home...can you not spend time with him when you're not at your mother's house? Or spend time at his house instead?


Edit: I just want to add, I'm very sorry for your loss.

LegacyUser

ibarelycare wrote: »

I think that's really harsh of your mam and your sister to say they don't like him. Have they actually given you valid reasons? Your mam and your boyfriend are very different, but that's no reason for her not to like him. Can she not sense that he's a bit awkward around her and maybe that's why he says the wrong things? And why does your sister feel "uncomfortable" around him?? Have you asked her to clarify that?

No I havent. Perhaps I should. I think its mostly a personality clash combined with the fact he's a little bit socially awkward anyway.

Although it is great if your family approve of your partner, it shouldn't change how you feel about him, unless their reasons are truly justified. If they're putting these doubts in your head then maybe he's NOT right for you, but you should come to that decision on your own. You're also worried about him and your friends...you seem to worry quite a lot about what OTHER people think of him.

Yes I know this. Again its part of the baggage from when I ignored people (and my own doubts) for years before.

Also I feel that if others don't like your partner, its somehow a bad reflection on you. I know I should be above thinking like this and carry on my own way regardless but I cant help being affected by how others think and I think most people are the same, whether they'll admit to it or not.

Anyway, is it really necessary for him to be around your family that much? You say you're "half" living at home...can you not spend time with him when you're not at your mother's house? Or spend time at his house instead?

It wasnt that much to begin with but I've cut it way back now. I was half living at home when my father was alive but spend most of my time in my own place now. I still visit every day to attend to things.

Edit: I just want to add, I'm very sorry for your loss.

Thanks, he was as good a Dad with as good a life and death as anyone could ever hope for. Our anchor is gone.

curlzy

Hey OP,

I'm sorry you've had such a bad time and that your Dad has passed away. You poor thing, it certainly sounds like you've all been through the wringer.

I would agree that you should perhaps ask your mam and sister why exactly they don't like him. If it's just because he's socially ackward then I honestly think they're being selfish to judge him so. He's been there for you through a truly awful time and has been a tremendous support for you. The most important thing is that he's a good partner to you, not that he entertains them or has them in fits of giggles. So yeah ask exactly why they don't like him. If it's to do with his personality and not with his qualities as a partner (i.e. being supportive, loving, responsible, honest, loyal) then you need to tell them that while they might not find him to be the most entertaining person ever, he has been a great help to you and they should be supportive of a relationship you have with someone who's so good to you and for you.

Would you consider a bit of councelling? It's the pits to not trust your own judgement and could certainly result in you doing stuff that's not in your best interest. So yeah maybe a little bit of councelling to get you into a better, more confident headspace?

Best of luck.

Piliger

Hi OP.

This is a very difficult emotional position you are being pushed int by your Mum. She is being totally inappropriate and smothering and needs to back off. You need to tell hr that straight out, without any gentle hints. You are a grown woman now and can live your own life and make your own mistakes.

What you need to do, imho, is to walk a fine line. You cannot be influenced by the irrational prejudice of your Mum. Bot on the other hand there is a danger that he very attitude could push to deeper into a relationship that may be nice but not merit that depth. I am thinking of your statement above "We just dont have the same tastes in music, books etc but we do both love our hobby that we met through and we love the outdoors". This is a basis for a dating relationship but maybe not something long term.

So please take your mother aside and tell her some home truths, while being cautious about getting deeper with this guy just to show you are ignoring her.

I hope that makes sense

CathyMoran

You have been through a lot (I am sorry for your loss) but if he makes you happy and is kind then that counts for a lot - my late mother said that I needed someone that I could always talk to and who would not bore me and she was right (and I am happily married to him).

Just because your life is not easy at the moment does not mean that he is not right for you but do not decide until things calm down a bit.

Daisy M

It doesnt sound as though your family have any real reasons for not liking your bf other than they don't like him. Over the years some of my friends would have had partners that I found it hard to connect with but were good people who made my friends happy so I would never have dreamed of voicing any doubts I had as it was down to personality clash and not anything serious.

Unless their doubts are based on something concrete like inappropriate behaviour or treatment of you then I think you should ignore them.

I have to add despite the fact you say you are fairly wordly you are coming across as extremely bothered about what other people think. This makes me think you are not as self assured as you think. If you love someone you should be confident in your choice and not give a second thought to other peoples opinions as that is quiet an immature thing to do.

LegacyUser

Piliger wrote: »

Hi OP.

This is a very difficult emotional position you are being pushed int by your Mum. She is being totally inappropriate and smothering and needs to back off. You need to tell hr that straight out, without any gentle hints. You are a grown woman now and can live your own life and make your own mistakes.

What you need to do, imho, is to walk a fine line. You cannot be influenced by the irrational prejudice of your Mum. Bot on the other hand there is a danger that he very attitude could push to deeper into a relationship that may be nice but not merit that depth. I am thinking of your statement above "We just dont have the same tastes in music, books etc but we do both love our hobby that we met through and we love the outdoors". This is a basis for a dating relationship but maybe not something long term.

So please take your mother aside and tell her some home truths, while being cautious about getting deeper with this guy just to show you are ignoring her.

I hope that makes sense

Thanks you are very much right and correct. Since I've been at home so much the last few years, and was so vulnerable when I did move home four years ago (I wasnt in a good place), I suppose I've been the baby at home a bit, and treated as such. I need to be firmer about boundaries.

Anyway contrary to your advice, I asked her straight out why earlier. I told her I didnt want to feel like I had to be defending him all the time, I shouldnt have to, so to tell me whats bothering her. Her answer was that she would prefer if he were more capable of intelligent conversation, and that she didnt think he'd bring much financially to the relationship. So she's said her piece now. I heard her out, didnt get wrapped up in defending him and hopefully that will be the end of it, and I can get on with figuring things out for myself.

All this stuff thats been going on has been putting more pressure on the relationship (well me) than is ideal at this stage. I just want to relax now and let things work themselves out.

Thanks to all who posted by the way, this thread has been really helpful.

Ellsbells

Ok well look she has valid concerns even if they are a bit over protective.