Think my Marriag is over...

BabyBitz

Hi all,

We've been married for almost 8 years and have two little girls (4yr & 2yr). My husband told me in March that marriage just isn't for him. There is history which I won't get into but it has to do with a falling out between him and my dad and it's kind of always been an elephant in the room iykwim. We agreed when we chatted that day in March that we would try and remain a family unit for the girls sake because they are so young.

I moved out of our bedroom that night (my own decision) and have spent the last 5 mths in the spare room. There has been occasional s*x, on my part clinging onto something, on his part, it's hard to tell, maybe just being a man and needing it. Anyway we went away for a week with the girls last month (booked before the "split") and I automatically took a separate room in the rented house when we arrived. He ended up coming in and asking could we share and me not wanting things to be over agreed. We spent the entire week in the same room, slept together frequently and then on the drive back home after the hol he said he was freaked out by the "s*x thing", that we shouldn't have done it. I had to point out that he had led that, I hadn't assumed anything until he made the first move.

We came home, separate rooms again and settled back into how it was before we went away. That was 3 weeks ago. This last week though I can see he is battling with the way things are. He asked would I think about mediation and I thought he meant like counselling but then I realised he meant to fix. up thing with the kids, money etc. We always had joint a/c but we split it back in March and we now pay monthly into the joint a/c for the expenses and have separate a/c's which we never had before (and I am really happy with this arrangement). I was completely shocked by this latest chat because I was clinging on to hope and now I kind accept that there isn't much

Obviously I don't want a husband who doesn't want me, but where do you go from this??

We both work from home which makes things tricky for obe of us moving out.

He has openly said that he knows that him moving out is what needs to happen eventually. He would never want the girls or me to have to leave their home. We don't have a huge mortgage here so in that sense we are lucky that when the time comes he will be able to afford to rent somewhere.

But we're kind of lost. We are talking a lot and we are not fighting. It's more a natural end, we are probably not the same people we were when we married for lots of reasons but he, in particular has changed a lot.

I really don't know what advice I am even asking for. I just wanted to write it all down. But if anybody has any tips on where I can find information/ what we need to do down the line/ how do you know 100% that there's no chance?

Anything useful at all, I would be bery grateful.

Thank you.

Piliger

Hi OP. I am really sorry this has come about.

As someone who stayed in the home, for the good of my son, and lived a more or less separate life until he was 19, I understand your confusion.

What I want to say to you mostly is that you don't have to fit in to anyone else's 'model' of what people do when their marriage fails. It is really important that you do what you two decide is best .... and best mostly for the children. I personally believe that when we have kids we commit our lives to them being first and foremost.

I think you should take your time in coming to a conclusion for what the best course of action is. Firstly you need to grieve for your marriage. There is a terrible feeling of failure and self blame to deal with. Try not to make hasty decisions while you are in this phase.

The decision may be to completely split, and for him to leave and live elsewhere. It may be to live together and bring up your children together, but live quiet separate lives. There is no animosity and no violence so I personally see that as a very viable solution - despite the obsession many people have with urging people to move out. My son had a very happy childhood and often regales that to his friends and family.

Daisy M

I think given that neither of you is 100% sure that a split is the right decision you should go for counselling. Considering you have maintained intimate relations from time to time I would be of the opinion that there is still something between you, I doubt if you hated each others guts you would be able to engage like this.

It sounds as though you are both been very amicable which is a big achievement. If this is all stemming from a row with your dad thats really sad but maybe counselling could help you both come to some sort of acceptance of what occured and allow you to move on be it apart or together.

Wishing you all the best for your future.

Abi

BabyBitz wrote: »

My husband told me in March that marriage just isn't for him. There is history which I won't get into but it has to do with a falling out between him and my dad and it's kind of always been an elephant in the room iykwim.

No, not really. Things have obviously not been working out, but history matters and I think it is possible what you've declined to get into may actually matter. You mentioned it.

Without knowing the details of the above, I'm not entirely sure I could give accurate advice. My first instinct would be to encourage him to go to counselling. More interestingly, why is sex with his wife a 'mistake'? Has he said whether he still loves you any more? You've too very young children, this can have an effect on even the strongest of couples. They're a challenge.

If your husband does not see a future with you, then you need to consider living apart. You clearly still have feelings for him, and I personally wouldn't be able to able to get on with my life in that scenario. He's told you he eventually wants to move out, what exactly is stopping him? the kids?

Children can adapt well so long as the parents are united and are reassure them that this move is for the best. I think not knowing and no closure on the matter one way or the other is not good for you, and in turn your children. They need a happy mum.