Afraid I won't have a fresh start in college

LegacyUser

I've just finished my second level education and will be starting my dream college course in a couple of weeks. I've been looking forward to college for so long, and by the time I was finished with school I was completely ready to put everything behind me and move on to a new place with new people. But there's one thing that I think is holding me back from having a fresh start. One girl from my group of friends in school is doing the very same course as me. Now it's a large course, I might not have to see her, but I'm really afraid that this will hinder me when it comes to making new friends or making a new start for myself. My main problem with this is that she isn't a girl I particularly like, and to be honest, I would have been happy to leave her in my past. I'm worried that she might end up tagging along with me, when I'd really rather be left to my own devices. I'm just wondering, is there any kind of tactful way that I could say as much to her, that I'd rather meet new people and not stick around with her? I'm sorry, I know this is such a stupid issue but it's genuinely worrying me.

Tea-a-Maria

I was in a slightly different situation to yourself when I started college,in that I didn't know anyone when I started, but I still think I can give some advice.

Partly because I was 17 when I started college,and partly because I wasn't big into clubbing anyway,I didn't make friends with people in my (large) class.Instead,I joined societies and made friends with my housemates. What I'm getting at is that it's completely feasible to not socialise with your classmates and still have a fantastic time in college,so you don't have to associate with her if you don't want to in that regard.
Failing that,sit at the front of lectures and tutorials so she can't start conversations with you.:pac:

Also,it's not clear from your post whether she's aware or not that you don't like her.If she is aware,it's unlikely she'll try and attach to you just because she knows you.Everyone is nervous in college and anxious to make new friends,so you'll both have plenty of people to talk to without having to face each other.

DazMarz

You will make loads of friends in college. That was the one positive thing I got out of college if I'm to be totally honest. I made great mates up there, and it will happen.

Don't go mental joining everything you see in societies in your first week or anything. but you do make friends up there and you will have a good time.

Best of luck, and congrats on getting your course!

(Sorry I'm not more eloquent, I'm pretty inebriated at this point, so only giving the bare bones of what can happen)

Meller

I had the exact same worry - among many, many others - a year ago when I was starting college. I hated school so much that I had literally pinned all my hopes on college being different, and as a result started worrying about every silly little 'what-if'.

Stop stressing - this won't affect you at all. The less you think of it, the less of an issue it'll be - so what if she tags along once or twice, if you want to make friends and get out there there won't be any way for her, or anyone else, to hold you back.

To be honest, for the first few weeks of college I was so focused on the possibility of not making friends and blaming random stupid things for it (e.g. this), that I ended up stressing and not really making any. Once I actually chilled out and just tried to enjoy myself, I had no problem and everything was just as I'd hoped it would be.

iCosmopolis

Long long time ago when I started college, a girl from my class, who I wasn't friends with as such (nothing in common,but she was nice enough) started the course I with me-she hung out with me for about two weeks as I was a familiar face before we both made our own groups of friends and didn't really cross paths much after. I'd say you & your class mate will probably do the same, so many new experiences and all that:)

She Who Dares Wins

iCosmopolis wrote: »

Long long time ago when I started college, a girl from my class, who I wasn't friends with as such (nothing in common,but she was nice enough) started the course I with me-she hung out with me for about two weeks as I was a familiar face before we both made our own groups of friends and didn't really cross paths much after. I'd say you & your class mate will probably do the same, so many new experiences and all that:)

I also think that this is likely. I had two former classmates do the same degree as me and we hung around together for a few weeks- which can actually be a relief while you're finding you feet. If its a large class you may very well be broken up by class divisions for tutorials anyway and she'll gravitate towards her flatmates or clubmates as will you. Let it happen gradually if it doesn't happen that way from the start. I wouldn't go saying anything about it before you even get there though. You don't want her telling everyone she meets there that you're a meanie

Little Acorn

newstart? wrote: »

I've just finished my second level education and will be starting my dream college course in a couple of weeks. I've been looking forward to college for so long, and by the time I was finished with school I was completely ready to put everything behind me and move on to a new place with new people. But there's one thing that I think is holding me back from having a fresh start. One girl from my group of friends in school is doing the very same course as me. Now it's a large course, I might not have to see her, but I'm really afraid that this will hinder me when it comes to making new friends or making a new start for myself. My main problem with this is that she isn't a girl I particularly like, and to be honest, I would have been happy to leave her in my past. I'm worried that she might end up tagging along with me, when I'd really rather be left to my own devices. I'm just wondering, is there any kind of tactful way that I could say as much to her, that I'd rather meet new people and not stick around with her? I'm sorry, I know this is such a stupid issue but it's genuinely worrying me.

Tricky to find a tactful way to turn around to a girl who has been part of your actual group of friends throughout school, and just suddenly say " I don't want to hang around with you any more,"
If the girl is unaware that you dislike her and considers you a pal, then this will seem completely out of the blue for her, and quite possibly hurt her a lot!

If however she has always been a complete cowbag to you, then you could just make out that you are finally putting a stop to it and don't want to spend any more time with her.

Is it just a case that you are not particularly close, or don't have much in common? If so I would still think that it is wrong to go to the effort of actually telling her that you don't want to hang around any more. If she does consider you a friend, this could really hurt her and knock her confidence completely, and make her feel very afraid about trying to make new friends herself. Remember she will be feeling a bit lost and insecure in a new place too knowing nobody.

It's not the most upfront way of doing things but I would suggest gradually/gently phasing her out depending on how she is getting on finding new friends. You could encourage her to sign up to some societies she likes, (especially if they are ones you are not interested in!;))
Maybe go on a few nights(like 4 or 5) out with her in the first few weeks and invite her housemates along with ye. (Make sure you do some separate socialising with your own new housemates/friends)
Once she is comfortable with socialising with her new housemates/classmates/society friends, you could just gradually start saying that you have other plans with your own new housemates/classmates if she invites you out. As long as you know she feels happy and secure with her new friends this shouldn't be a problem.
(If it comes to it at this stage, ie. she has new friends but still wants you about, THEN you could gently say that you think that ye both have more in common with your new sets of friends, but that you would like to remain on friendly terms, but branch out a bit on your own path from secondary school, and that you are happy that she is doing something similar etc. etc. etc. something along those lines)

If ye genuinely don't have much in common anyways then it is almost certain that ye will naturally drift apart very quickly, I just don't think it's right to so abruptly end what someone else thinks is a friendship when they are in a brand new place and don't have any other friends yet.
I think by gradually distancing yourself, and encouraging her to meet others you can have your problem solved but in a way that that leaves no hard feelings. Like for example, I think it would be nice if you both had your new groups of friends, but still said friendly hellos to each other, and maybe even had the odd chat in the corridors. I don't think a person can ever have too many people that they can have a friendly hello with or a quick chat. They don't necessary have to be all close friends!

Can I just say though that if you manage to find yourself a whole bunch of fabulous new friends and this girl doesn't, then I think it would be very mean to just ditch her completely. For example if you notice her constantly sitting on her own, it wouldn't be very nice to swan by her with your new posse and not even give her the time of day. I would make a conscious effort to help her a little in finding her own new friends if she was having difficulties. I know most people will say that it is not your responsibility or problem, but if this girl considered you a friend throughout school, I think it would just be wrong to completely cut her off if she was feeling very lonely. I have read threads on here before about people who were ditched by friends out of the blue, or were actually depressed due to loneliness in college and they are heartbreaking to read.

Again, the being kind to and helping her out a bit only applies if she is actually a nice enough girl that you just don't really gel with. If however she has ever bullied you in some way then I would say ditch her, and to hell with how she gets on by herself! My advice depends on whether she is a nice person or not.

And hey if you're lucky, maybe she's not too keen on you either, and is having the same worries you are! That would be the ideal situation hahaha.

Best of luck, and try not to stress about this too much. I think more than likely ye will just naturally drift apart. (very quickly)

Stavro Mueller

You think that's bad? When I started college, the only person I knew on Day 1 was a monosyllabic Curehead that somehow I'd ended up with as a housemate. Try making friends when you've got someone like that at your side!

In my experience, people tend to hang around with familiar faces in the very early days. This could be people from their old school, their home town, from socialising etc. As they get to know other people, these initial pairings often fizzle out and they only see them when they're waiting for the bus home etc. In other words, don't get stressed over this. If she wants to hang around with you at first, then let her. Just make sure you get talking to as many other people as you can and plough your own furrow.

LegacyUser

Sorry, I'm only really getting a chance to reply to this thread now!

I appreciate all the advice. Like a lot of people have said, hopefully it'll end up being a case of just drifting apart. I didn't really make it clear in the OP, the reason I'm not fond of this girl is because of the way she would have treated me and others in the past, she's not exactly the nicest friend to have about. However she is fickle and I'd be afraid of her just pretending to be nice to me as I'm a familiar face. It's a hard one to call as I wouldn't say she's ever bullied me or anything, but she would make odd remarks that'd be a bit bitchy, for example. The ins and outs aren't hugely important, just wanted to make that point as a couple of posters mentioned it

I suppose I was being a bit silly with the idea that I could say something to her, didn't really think it through :P As someone said, if it got to a stage during the year where I felt I should say something I could, but for the moment I'll leave it be and hope for the best.

I am probably just overthinking things and stressing, hopefully it will all work out!