Confused re future

Ino112

I've been feeling this way for quite some time and afraid what I'm going to type will be complete word vomit/wrong forum/bad spelling but bear with me.

Basically a short recap: Youngest in the family, 16 doing leaving cert, filled in CAO will really no clue what I wanted in life. I wanted to do some smaller courses but I done pretty well in the LC so they weren't advised for me. Family have all gone down one line of career in particular so I thought I'd follow suit. Aged 21 now and fully qualified in my job. No job at the minute.

However I've been getting the slow feeling that I actually hate the kind of work I've qualified in. My siblings all are getting masters, P.Hd's and I can't seem to warm to the fact I'll always be following in their footsteps. Their reputation is very dominating. Couple that with no real want for the job, no pleasure, it seems I'm living someone else's life at work.

Any help I've gotten with my course at college/work has been thrown back in my face by siblings who say I wouldn't be there without them. I get no joy out of success because it's always attributed to their advice/success or just basically growing up with them. I'm feeling like I'm not able to make my own stamp in life if I'm constantly being referred to as "such and such's brother", "oh only got the job because of the family" etc...

I really want to try my hand in other things I'm passionate at. But I can't help feeling I'll be disappointing loads of my family and might end up having exhausted other options and stuck with one career path. Also I've finished college and done in-job training so I wouldn't want to feel a failure at that (even though I can go back to it, and I'm still young).

I've talked to the parents about this and they looked at me like I've two heads; I'm being silly, try a few more years at it then quit...etc but I hate the prospects of putting my life on hold for their reasons and not mine. I've asked friends for advice and they totally supported my reasons (But then I've a fear of being pandered to)

So I thought I'd post it here for an objective view on the situation. Thanks all.

ABajaninCork

At 21, you're old enough to make your own decisions and your own mistakes.

What do YOU want in life? If you want to follow the career path of your siblings, then great. If not - well you're very young with plenty of time to make up your mind what you want to do, and change career if that's what you want.

Once you've done that, then it makes things a lot easier with the family. Strange, but true. It took me a very long time to realise that.

Whatever you decide, I hope it works for you. Good luck!!

tony81

Hi Op,

I was in a similar situation. Pushed into / through college. Pushed into work. I found it hard to stay in jobs because of a lack of interest.

Anyway, some constructive advice (I hope):
1. you got the qualifications yourself, not because of your siblings.

2. Don't be ashamed that you have friends in high places. It doesn't matter if people think you got a job just because of your family... that's how the most successful people get jobs (in addition to having intelligence obviously)

3. Try to get a work-life balance. You can still be passionate about hobbies in your free time without packing in jobs that you work hard to get.

4. Would you be able to get work abroad (in the area you're qualified in?). The reason I ask is it might be good to get a breather from your family.. and the benefit of a qualification is you'll actually get well-paid work, unlike many people your age who go abroad.

5. Don't do a masters unless you have a genuine interest. Otherwise it's a waste of money.

6. It's never too late to change career (but it is costly and difficult!)
I was out of work for a couple of months and was strongly considering taking out a loan to go back to college for a year when I found out there was Springboard funding for the type of course I wanted to do. I got the go-ahead to do it.. so in addition to getting the €4k fees waived, I'm also getting the dole for going to college. (It's really all or nothing with the Irish government)

My problem in the past was I was means-tested on my parents so they dictated everything I ever did. Doing a course they didn't agree with was never an option. Also, I was young and ignorant and believed a lot of lies they fed .. not so much internet back in the day so I didn't know any better. Now, it's easy to research the cost of courses and the grants or benefits you may be entitled to. My parents even railroaded me into doing a masters. €4k down the drain and a part-time job that paid less than what most people were getting in grants.

Anyway, over 10 years later, I wouldn't say I'm "starting again" as I'm definitely going to use this course to build on my existing skills and experience in the industry I worked in. Hopefully I'll get a more interesting job out of it. I regret not looking into this a long time ago.

She Who Dares Wins

You're at a crossroads, probably a bit younger than most people get there. Families are great in so many ways, but they don't know it all. You striking out in a different direction will shock them, it will get them head scratching, giving out maybe and secretly questioning their own decisions and lives and no doubt you'll be told you're going in the wrong direction, ruining your life but you're 21! without anyone's mouth to feed except your own or a mortgage to pay so they'll be wrong- you wont ruin your life!

You job here is to be your own hero!

- you know what you don't want so now the task is to figure out what you do want
- as someone else suggested a period of travel may be timely now for you to give you a bit of life experience and space to think independently about the next step
- remember the siblings and parents are annoying but they wont be to blame if you're miserable in another 2 or 5 or 10 years...you will

Ino112

I want to thank all three of you for such sound advice, I really appreciate it.

I've in a round about way been hinting/telling the family I think I want a change in direction. They looked at me as if I had 5 heads and that I’m not a tryer and should reconsider another year at work. But I keep thinking it'll always be that 1 extra year that I'll have to add on and ultimately it won't please them nor me in the slightest.

Funnily enough over the course of the summer I've been researching into travelling for a while instead of the jobs front. I'm not sure if it was just too totally divert where my life was going and see what was out there but I'm really warming to the idea of "life experience". My friends who are qualified in the same field are so excited looking for work that I can't but feel “Uh-uh...this isn't right. This obviously doesn't make me happy if I don’t feel somewhat enthusiastic like they do."

I've always been inspired by a quote from Sister Act: If you wake up in the morning, and you can't think anything but singing, then you should be a singer, girl. Now I'm not thinking of music haha. At school and when given the chances in college I excelled at English. I love writing, media work and generally creative stuff. The sole reason I didn't undertake this in the first place was that "it wasn't a pension able job....very competitive". Which is true, and I'd be a fool to ignore such reasons. But now I’m considering giving it a go.

Also like to add I'm glad I'm not the only one. Usually you see on television people in their 30s/40s having these feelings. I thought I was just being childish!

ABajaninCork

Good for you. Now get on, do your research and DO IT!!

While family's important, start doing things to please YOU. You're your own person who needs to find their own way and not follow the family/crowd. Whatever you decide, you're never going to please everybody, so please the only person that is important - YOU.

I learnt that lesson the hard way. Don't make the same mistake!

tony81

Op.. just one caveat..

Travelling is a great way to recharge your batteries. But don't expect to live the rest of your days on a tropical island or on a cattle ranch.. travelling probably won't change you that much! There's a good chance you'll be doing what you've done at home when you're abroad, for less money, and when you get home after travelling it can be very hard to get established again in terms of saving, jobhunting, etc.

It can be a very rewarding experience though.

For me personally, I enjoyed travelling but at some stage felt the time was right to come back home.. great for the first 3 weeks, then I got into the biggest rut. Silly interference from family again.. my own fault for temporarily moving back with my parents. If there was one thing I'd have done different it would be to find somewhere to live in the short-term until I found a job and somewhere more suitable.

Ino112

Thanks for the heads up tony. I'm not going in thinking it'll all be roses and everything will change (even though it's tempting)

On one hand I'm afraid by going travelling I'll be essentially trying to "run away" from the problems at hand, but on the flip side it wouldn't be long-term. I think it's just to reinstate the fact to people I have control over my own life. Plus it might give me breathing space for a while. So I'd only being going for a month or two (if even). I think I just need some space to re-evaluate my place. Don't get me wrong I love being at home, and if travelling helps me realise how important that is, well then I'd welcome that too.

I'm just glad I can kind of organise and gather my thoughts here and everyone has been giving me such useful advice, thanks