Scared of intimacy with girls (not troll thread!)

LegacyUser

Straight to the point.....I am a 21 year old man, I am a virgin. I have bad self esteem, etc, the usual, I don't go out much and I have literally 0 exp with the opposite sex. Only been kissed once, nevr had a gf, or sex, or any kind of close encounter with a girl. I am not gay before you draw any conclusions, I am very attracted to girls and have no feelings for the same sex!

Here's the hard part. I'm terrified of intimacy. The thought alone of talking to a girl is enough to blow my mind. The thought of kissing/holding hands seems EXTREMELY difficult, it worries me, thinking about it makes me anxious. Now onto the main part...sex. Well, all I can say is...I don't know what to think! First off...the thought of having sex makes me feel I am not good enough..but having a naked girl close or..the thought of having intimate relations makes me feel like..terrible, It makes me feel like I can't cope or that when the time comes I'm going to mess it up, I'm worried and scared and reluctant to approach or be involved with the opposite sex for this reason

Here is the part I just worry people will see as trolling..but I swear I am not. I'm extremely...well..scared, intimidated...partially...by the female genitalia. I've never experienced it in real life..and it worries me because am a man am I not supposed to be naturally and genetically attracted to it? I have a mental block where I only can like it or want it when I really really like a girl...and even then...I'm scared...its foreign to me and I'm worried

I'm very insecure about this as I feel like a complete freak, it makes me anxious, worried, and unsure about the future, I feel like I am not a man/male, I feel weird, and I am scared and would love any help or advice?

Dravokivich

Used to scare the shíte out of me too until a few months ago and I've only just turned 28. So this type of thing really isn't uncommon. I also found simple contact like holding hands and arms around waist to be daunting. Was never too big on hugging and found it quite uncomfortable.

Can't really advise you in anyway to get over it other than trying to be with someone and do those things. It requires a hell of a lot of patience from the other person though. If given the time to work on it, things should feel less tense for you. I found that I, along with my girlfriend benefited a lot more from me expressing this fairly soon in our relationship.

Also, try not to fight the "gay accusations," they simply don't exist. A lack of experience with a woman does not mean you want to experience a man. No one should ever have to proclaim that. What ever you're interested in is up to you, not anybody else.

LegacyUser

OP i can completely relate to your post and I'm a girl. I was in exactly the same situation when I was your age. First off being a virgin at 21 is no way unusual no matter what some people may lead you to believe

ScaredWorried wrote: »

Here's the hard part. I'm terrified of intimacy. The thought alone of talking to a girl is enough to blow my mind. The thought of kissing/holding hands seems EXTREMELY difficult, it worries me, thinking about it makes me anxious.

OP first and foremost I think a lot of men and women fall into the trap, and I used to do it myself, of viewing the opposite sex like they're some kind of different species, that must be interacted with in a different way, which is just bizarre when you think about it imho. When it boils down to it we are all the same, we all have the same hopes, fears, insecurities, dreams etc. Honestly this is one of the biggest lessons I have learned in life. People are people. Stop putting yourself under so much pressure, the best thing I ever did was to just stop viewing men as potential boyfriends-husbands-love interests what ever, and instead just began to interact with them in the same way as I would women, and just view them as potential friends instead. Get to know women as friends first without any ulterior motive, and I can guarantee you you will find it's no different than chatting with a bunch of your male friends. As for the holding hands/kissing thing, OP believe me I was the most unaffectionate person in the world, painfully shy to boot, but (and this will sound so cliched) when you actually find someone you're really into, it kinda stops becoming a really big frightening anxious task, and you just naturally find yourself drawn to the person and wanting to do these things (well I certainly did at least even despite it being completely out of character for me).

Now onto the main part...sex. Well, all I can say is...I don't know what to think! First off...the thought of having sex makes me feel I am not good enough..but having a naked girl close or..the thought of having intimate relations makes me feel like..terrible, It makes me feel like I can't cope or that when the time comes I'm going to mess it up, I'm worried and scared and reluctant to approach or be involved with the opposite sex for this reason

OP, I used to feel exactly the same, and i know it's easy to say when you've had some experience, but really, honestly, sex isn't that big of a deal, it's why we are all here, there's something instinctive about it. You are good enough. No woman is going to be examining your body or your flaws during sex, she's going to be as anxious as you are about hers! OP I was once seeing a guy with a pretty obvious imperfection, I must've been sleeping with him for about a month and I had never even noticed it until he pointed it out to me!

Also OP do you watch a lot of porn? because a lot of it would lead you to believe that sex is about a million positions which you have to master and everything automatically fits where it's supposed to. In reality sex is really awkward and things fall out etc etc. OP yes there are men out there who have mastered the whole 'acting like a porn star' thing, but sex with that type of man tends to be really boring and clinical and generally pretty terrible to be honest, no woman wants to feel like she's rein-acting a guys favourite porn scene. OP I am 'technically' awful in bed, I fall over, I'm uncoordinated, I'm a complete clutz out of the bedroom never mind in the bedroom but the best partners I've had were the guys who were just as awkward as me, sex should be about two people who are just relaxed in each others company and having a laugh and not taking it all too serious, it should be fun after all!

Here is the part I just worry people will see as trolling..but I swear I am not. I'm extremely...well..scared, intimidated...partially...by the female genitalia. I've never experienced it in real life..and it worries me because am a man am I not supposed to be naturally and genetically attracted to it? I have a mental block where I only can like it or want it when I really really like a girl...and even then...I'm scared...its foreign to me and I'm worried

OP of course you're not going to be attracted to genitalia, there's nothing particularly attract about them! I certainly don't go weak at the knees at the sight of a penis, it take a bit more than that thankfully! What you're describing is perfectly normal, It's not genitalia we are attracted to it's the person it's attached to them. If it was just about that then we'd all be having sex with everyone all of the time.

OP I made a mistake when I was a little older than you are now, I like you was so worried about sex that I just decided to sleep with some guy one night and just get it over with. I actually managed to have sex without ever having even touched a guys penis, in fact it was the first penis I had ever even seen in real life. So in the end the whole experience was pointless, I still knew nothing about the male body! If you take anything from this post OP is do not do what I did. I think once we get past a certain age and are still virgins (not that there's any shame in that) we kinda miss out on, or skip over, all the teenage stuff of well basic foreplay I suppose. Just stop putting yourself under pressure and thinking of the end goal so to speak, take things slowly, get to know girls first, build relationships with them, fool around with them a bit, get comfortable being around then intimately, and then worry about having sex and it'll all come a lot more naturally. It's like a learning curve you kinda build up your confidence by gradually going through different phases. It's crude but the 'ol 1st base, 2nd base stuff exists for a reason I guess, there's no need to suddenly rush from kissing a girl to worrying about the sex part, there's loads of stuff inbetween, just take your time and discover/learn about these things at your own pace

You are not a freak OP everyone goes through this stuff, men and women, it's just people tend not to talk about it for fear of looking foolish or whatever. And don't ever be afraid to tell your partner that you've never done something before or are inexperienced, if they care about you at all it won't matter, again we are all the same, we've all had to learn these things at some point, we've all been there.

You'll get there OP you have plenty of time and most importantly be safe, have fun and enjoy it

miamee

I think everyone is afraid of these things to some extent when it is still 'unknown territory'. I can understand why you might be afraid of getting intimate with a girl but that is not something that will happen all of a sudden without a build up of friendship, attraction and smaller intimacies beforehand - kissing, holding hands, etc. It won't just suddenly sneak up on you, you will meet someone you like and get close to them little by little, so you don't need to panic about it the minute a girl smiles at you or talks to you

The good part is that lots of girls, in my opinion, would prefer a guy like you who is selective about who he goes out with, kisses, sleeps with rather than just chasing after everyone and anyone, if that makes sense. You will need to work on your shyness and push yourself to do little things like talk to a girl you don't know very well so that shyness doesn't stop you completely

judgefudge

Have you got any female friends? Maybe you could start with that and see how things go. Once you can relate to women as friends they may become less intimidating. By the way I know several people who didn't lose their virginity til around your age or older so try not to let that bother you too much.