Timing of proposal

Polycom

Hey Guys,

I was planning on proposing over the next couple of weeks. the only issue is the girlfriends sister is getting married in a 3 months. I don't know if its bad form doing this and potentially stealing someones thunder or would this be acceptable enough??

Thanks

Chocoholic84

Hmmm....I would say wait until the sister's wedding is over, after all, it's only 3 months away!

You don't know how she might react to someone "stealing her thunder"

Sleepy

It really depends on the family. My wedding is 6 months from today and my sister and her boyfriend got engaged on Sunday. We're delighted for them both. Other posters here and in PI have reported (or thrown) hissy fits when siblings dared to "steal their thunder" simply by living their own lives whilst they were planning their weddings.

leeomurchu

I'd go for it as they say you never know what's around the corner you may not be here to propose in a few months (hopefully not the case)

My friend recently passed from cancer and she never gave up continued planning her wedding till the end but fell short of time

Cease the day my friend and I've no doubt everyone will be delighted with your news

pwurple

leeomurchu wrote: »

Cease the day my friend

Ceasing the day is probably a bit hardcore... I'd seize the day instead. :P

3 months is a good enough distance I think. Propose away before something else comes up. It always does.

leeomurchu

Not you again can I get no piece

kippy

To be honest, you are good to think about others feelings but in life there will always be events that might make you put off what you want to do now.
As an earlier poster said most people shouldn't be so self obsessed to think that someone is trying to "steal their thunder".
Go for it otherwise you might keep finding reasons to put it off.

stargazer 68

kippy wrote: »

As an earlier poster said most people shouldn't be so self obsessed to think that someone is trying to "steal their thunder".
Go for it otherwise you might keep finding reasons to put it off.

Have to agree. Whats to say that you wait until after the wedding and then you 'steal her thunder' because she hasn't got her pics back or she's pregnant or something else.

Chocoholic84

Sleepy wrote: »

It really depends on the family. My wedding is 6 months from today and my sister and her boyfriend got engaged on Sunday. We're delighted for them both. Other posters here and in PI have reported (or thrown) hissy fits when siblings dared to "steal their thunder" simply by living their own lives whilst they were planning their weddings.

Very true. OP, if you know the sister well enough, you can prob gauge her reaction. I wouldn't have minded if anyone close to me had got engaged in the run-up to our wedding. But I probably would have rathered till they waited AFTER it being totally honest - what's 3 months? (unless it's an anniversary/birthday or a date that's special to you both that you'd like to propose - in this case, understandable!)

kippy

Chocoholic84 wrote: »

Very true. OP, if you know the sister well enough, you can prob gauge her reaction. I wouldn't have minded if anyone close to me had got engaged in the run-up to our wedding. But I probably would have rathered till they waited AFTER it being totally honest - what's 3 months? (unless it's an anniversary/birthday or a date that's special to you both that you'd like to propose - in this case, understandable!)

Why would you have rathered that they wait?

leeomurchu

Chocoholic84 wrote: »

what's 3 months?

3 months could be a life to someone, can't believe some people would be so arrogant as to assume that everybody has to put their lives on hold till they have their big day.

If they want to have a hissy fit about you proposing leave them on I've never heard of somethin so childish. Talk about Bridezilla :rolleyes:

Chocoholic84

kippy wrote: »

Why would you have rathered that they wait?

Cos it's all about me :P Ah tbh I don't think I would have been that bothered really, I certainly wouldn't throw a strop over it or let them know at all that I was anyway put out.

seamus

3 months is enough. Enough for what? Well, it's enough time to tell your families and your friends and maybe organise a small dinner/party/pissup, if that's your bag.

The reason that an engagement is seen as "stealing" thunder is because guests at the wedding may be coming up to the newly-engaged couple to look at a ring, give a hug, congratulate, etc.

For family, it can also cause a bit of celebration "fatigue" - part of the fun of the wedding is that you may not get to see all of these people very often, so getting to party with them is part of the enjoyment of the day.
If you've already partied with these people 2 weeks ago at an engagement party, then you lose that.

But 3 months is more than enough time.

If you get into six weeks (i.e. once the invites have gone out), then you're cutting it too close. The problem there is as I say above - if you get engaged with six weeks to go, then the first time many people will see you to congratulate you, may be at the wedding. Which steals focus and is generally considered rude.

Personal factors also come into play. Is your girlfriend's sister a thundering bitch who's been making everyone's life hell over their wedding? If so, then she may be pissed off no matter what you do, or even if you dare propose within 3 month after her wedding. Or, if she's very chilled out and not taking it too seriously, she mightn't mind at all.

TL;DR - Do it right now, or wait until after the wedding.

stargazer 68

seamus wrote: »

The reason that an engagement is seen as "stealing" thunder is because guests at the wedding may be coming up to the newly-engaged couple to look at a ring, give a hug, congratulate, etc.

The problem there is as I say above - if you get engaged with six weeks to go, then the first time many people will see you to congratulate you, may be at the wedding. Which steals focus and is generally considered rude.

So by that token then someone who has just had a baby shouldn't go to a wedding or if its a 'big' birthday they shouldnt go either!

I know Im just being pedantic with the above but honestly OP if you want to propose to your girlfriend then do it.

leeomurchu

seamus wrote: »

3 months is enough. Enough for what? Well, it's enough time to tell your families and your friends and maybe organise a small dinner/party/pissup, if that's your bag.

The reason that an engagement is seen as "stealing" thunder is because guests at the wedding may be coming up to the newly-engaged couple to look at a ring, give a hug, congratulate, etc.

For family, it can also cause a bit of celebration "fatigue" - part of the fun of the wedding is that you may not get to see all of these people very often, so getting to party with them is part of the enjoyment of the day.
If you've already partied with these people 2 weeks ago at an engagement party, then you lose that.

But 3 months is more than enough time.

If you get into six weeks (i.e. once the invites have gone out), then you're cutting it too close. The problem there is as I say above - if you get engaged with six weeks to go, then the first time many people will see you to congratulate you, may be at the wedding. Which steals focus and is generally considered rude.

Personal factors also come into play. Is your girlfriend's sister a thundering bitch who's been making everyone's life hell over their wedding? If so, then she may be pissed off no matter what you do, or even if you dare propose within 3 month after her wedding. Or, if she's very chilled out and not taking it too seriously, she mightn't mind at all.

TL;DR - Do it right now, or wait until after the wedding.

I think you read that wrong he's not planning on gettin married in 3 months just proposing now.

You've got to be kidding are you actually a man posting that comment?? maybe I was wrong about bridezillla.

Anyway about the party fatigue by people asking to look at somebodies engagement ring that's ridiculous there was 2 couples at our wedding engaged shortly before it. Yes people were congratulating them as were we and no it did not take away from the day at all. I would think if my wife acted like that I'd be more disgusted than a newly engaged couple showing off their ring.

I honestly couldn't tell you if I got to speak to everybody at my wedding so I'm fairly sure it was more than meeting family that made the day.

Some people are honestly awe inspiring am I missing something by thinking the world doesn't revolve around me or my wife. :eek:

That attitude would most likely have been the end of any wedding plans for me and my wife,thankfully she's on a similar wave length to me

seamus

Dovies wrote: »

So by that token then someone who has just had a baby shouldn't go to a wedding or if its a 'big' birthday they shouldnt go either!

But that's different because the date you have a child or the date you have a birthday can't be controlled. The date you get engaged can be.
It's very simple etiquette that you don't make a big announcement at someone else's wedding. A better example would be a pregnancy. You don't announce a pregnancy at someone else's wedding. You can wait a few days or a couple of weeks.

leeomurchu wrote: »

You've got to be kidding are you actually a man posting that comment?? maybe I was wrong about bridezillla.

I think you're the one who read my post wrong. I'm simply giving a general guideline that will generally work in most situations. Some people wouldn't care if another couple announced their engagement at their wedding, others have gone nuts because a family member dared get engaged in the six month run up to it.
3 months is, IMO, roughly about the limit where you could get engaged without ruffling any feathers. Like I say, the OP would know the couple better and may decide that they'd be easygoing (or not) about it.

It's the "I wouldn't mind so why should anyone else mind" attitude that causes people to go getting engaged at a sibling's wedding or announcing a pregnancy the day before. Then people get pissed off and they wonder why.

kippy

seamus wrote: »

3 months is enough. Enough for what? Well, it's enough time to tell your families and your friends and maybe organise a small dinner/party/pissup, if that's your bag.

The reason that an engagement is seen as "stealing" thunder is because guests at the wedding may be coming up to the newly-engaged couple to look at a ring, give a hug, congratulate, etc.

For family, it can also cause a bit of celebration "fatigue" - part of the fun of the wedding is that you may not get to see all of these people very often, so getting to party with them is part of the enjoyment of the day.
If you've already partied with these people 2 weeks ago at an engagement party, then you lose that.

But 3 months is more than enough time.

If you get into six weeks (i.e. once the invites have gone out), then you're cutting it too close. The problem there is as I say above - if you get engaged with six weeks to go, then the first time many people will see you to congratulate you, may be at the wedding. Which steals focus and is generally considered rude.

Personal factors also come into play. Is your girlfriend's sister a thundering bitch who's been making everyone's life hell over their wedding? If so, then she may be pissed off no matter what you do, or even if you dare propose within 3 month after her wedding. Or, if she's very chilled out and not taking it too seriously, she mightn't mind at all.

TL;DR - Do it right now, or wait until after the wedding.

I think you read too much into these things to be honest.

leeomurchu

You weren't giving a general guide line you were giving your opinion where'd this general guideline come from?

I think that's a terrible attitude for people to have I'm not sure where a general guide line was established but quite an ugly personality trait for a person to have that train of thought.

He's not planning on getting engaged at their wedding he's proposing to her and has not pointed out whether he plans to make it public before the wedding they may just infact tell their parents and then let everybody know after the wedding.

I'm not surprised pwurple liked that comment :eek:

seamus

kippy wrote: »

I think you read too much into these things to be honest.

The OP was asking whether it was "bad form". Unfortunately when it comes to weddings, as can clearly be seen by people's incredulousness at all suggestions, that "form" is not a black and white thing, but a line that must be treaded carefully.

leeomurchu wrote: »

You weren't giving a general guide line you were giving your opinion where'd this general guideline come from?

A general guideline...from my opinion. Am I not permitted to do that? I wouldn't have a problem with someone getting engaged six weeks before my wedding, but in my experience many people do, so in my opinion a good general guideline is no sooner than 3 months beforehand if you want to avoid animosity over it.

I think that's a terrible attitude for people to have I'm not sure where a general guide line was established but quite an ugly personality trait for a person to have that train of thought.

And yet many, many people have it. Just because you don't like it, is no reason to pretend it doesn't exist. Like I say, ignoring that someone may have different preferences, no matter how ugly or unreasonable you consider them, is a fast way to lose friends.

He's not planning on getting engaged at their wedding he's proposing to her and has not pointed out whether he plans to make it public before the wedding

I don't tend to wait for people to give me more specific information, I tend to extrapolate a bit in the hope that it will be of assistance.

leeomurchu

Friends like that one does not need my friend.

I have no problem with people passing their opinion I prefer personal opinion than semi professionals who seem to know everything. I'm not including yourself in this group by the way.

So anyway to conclude op there you have it either they won't care and be happy for ye or they'll blow a gasket and possibly cause a big scene but at the end of the day my point stands. If the world were to end tomorrow would you have rather asked her the question today?

I bet if you do ask her and she does say yes and knows full well her sister will explode upon hearing it she'll just say let's keep it under wraps till after the wedding.

Good luck hopefully she says yes now after all that. haha

Annabananna

Hi OP i think you should pop the question as your sister in law not getting married for 3 mths.

My Bro in law asked his then girlfriend to marry him during his best mans speech at our wedding!!!! Now that did kinda annoy me but at the end of the day it happened and nothing i could do about it.

So you got loads of time to do it in 3 months:)

pwurple

seamus wrote: »

It's the "I wouldn't mind so why should anyone else mind" attitude that causes people to go getting engaged at a sibling's wedding or announcing a pregnancy the day before. Then people get pissed off and they wonder why.

You're right here seamus, and the OP will know his family better than anyone.

leeomurchu wrote: »

I'm not surprised pwurple liked that comment :eek:

Huh?

Bride2012

Annabananna wrote: »

Hi OP i think you should pop the question as your sister in law not getting married for 3 mths.

My Bro in law asked his then girlfriend to marry him during his best mans speech at our wedding!!!! Now that did kinda annoy me but at the end of the day it happened and nothing i could do about it.

So you got loads of time to do it in 3 months:)

OH, SOOO BOLD!!!

3 months is fine, you post says the next couple of weeks so I stay as far away from the two month mark as possible.The sooner the better or else wait until afterwards.

tinkerbell

3 months before the wedding is perfectly ok - it'd be one thing if it was a few weeks before, but it's 12 weeks away! Go ahead and propose, OP!

Gatica

our friends were having engagement party 1 month after we got engaged. we only told family and announced it to friends the weekend after. On the other hand another friend got engaged a week before the other couple, announced it to everyone and no one seemed bothered about it. They technically "crashed" the couple's engagement party cos we have a lot of friends in common and never had their own (neither did we), whether they didn't have to then or just didn't want to. Either way, the first couple weren't bothered and enjoyed their party as did everyone else. It really depends on the person. We didn't tell cos we thought it may bother them, it didn't, but sure, no regrets on trying to be considerate. Three months can be considered long or short depending on your perspective.

There's always different opinions on this topic, so just weigh up your options, pros and cons and make up your own mind about it.

Ms Tootsie

My own brother freaked at me when I got engaged fove months after them so you will be surprised at how crazy weddings make people. Luckily both me and my fiance are pretty laid back and just let him have his temper tantrum.

I would suggest why not just ask the sister what her thoughts are and if she would prefer that you wait she will just say, at least then you know and you wont be offending anyone. Personally if my sister got engaged 3 hours before I got married I wouldnt care less, at the end of the day I'd be delighted to see her happy. I think if your girlfriends sister had any issue with it, then being involved in the process would certainly put an end to that. Besides 3 months is ages before her wedding.

If you are worried that people will be asking to see the ring A LOT at the actual wedding why not have a casual engagement party as far in advance of the wedding as possible. We had that, but for different reasons. No expense for everyone as we just had everyone round to the local for a few drinks so they could see the ring and hear the story.

clint_silver

this is all about the personalities involved which noone except the OP knows.

Lets say you do it and you think she'll get angry, will it bother you?
Yes: Wait
No: dont wait

If you think she wont get angry.
dont wait.

simples. If you dont know if she'lkl get angry, make it your business to find out, maybe ask her fiancee, maybe he's the one that would get angry and make her sister angry. and then youll be angry, youll post it here and youll make all of us angry. :mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad:


grrrrr, Im so angry.

Daisy M

I would go on ahead and propose if you think now is the right time. You can then choose when to announce it together. Realistically if you leave it because you are afraid of stealing their thunder then you will need to leave it a few weeks until after the wedding for the same reason so that would mean waiting another 4 months.

I think when my children get older I will give them each a good warning not to expect their siblings to be pussy footing around them when it comes to moving on with their own lives. There are so many threads on here about family fallouts because petty adults are afraid of having their "thunder" stolen!!