How to know when your ready???

Bid08

Hi All

Just wondering if anyone can share when they decided you and the OH were ready to have a baby?
just a bit of info about us, I have been with my OH for over a decade, in a loving commited relationship, we are 26, have our own house and both in full time employment.
we are always talking about 'when we have kids' we both know we wants kids while we are young but just dont know how we'll know we are ready, at times I think we are ready but if I really start to think about it seriously I back away from this, I think I just get scared of the idea aswell at times
I know this question can be very open and no definite answer but would like to know what made other couples to start trying.
I have been on the pill for years and we are very careful so its just making that decision as to when to know to come off the pill

Moonbeam

Most 1st babies are accidents,there is never a right time.
If you have plans to get married, getting married 1st is not a bad idea because you get to take a honeymoon:) and no worrying about babysitters on the night etc .
I was 26 having my 1st and it is a good age,you have your house,career and a bit of travelling done and are still young enough to have energy and fun with the baby.
Babies are not expensive but do consider the 1k a month for creche and the 2k for 2 kids if you live in Dublin.

Hannibal Smith

My husband and I are together since we were 18, but I was very independent and I had a plan....use my 20s for living it up and save the serious stuff for my 30s.

So my 20s, I did the girlie holidays, worked hard, was out every night, lived in various different places around the city with mates he joined the merchant navy, saw the world. We just had an absolute ball!

When we were 28 we moved in together and then finally our 30s came, so we bought a house, got married and had our 2 boys, both of whom were planned.

Before you have kids I would say, go treat yourselves....go on a really plush holiday, if you can afford it, go out to really nice restaurants or do something you really would like to do. Not that life ends when you have children, its the best thing you can do, but it is nice to have some good memories together in the bank on those really tired days

PS, it took me a year to get pregnant after coming off the pill, so you might want to factor that into your decision making.

Rachineire

We are both 27 and are having our first. My OH finished his degree this year and has started work so we don't have tons of money but we did plan this baby. We will be married three years come November and felt the time was.right and didn't want to start a family too late. Financially things could be better but we just have to budget carefully and eventually that will catch up as OH moves into more.career type.work ( or me for that matter!)
Anyways there is no real wrong or right time, just what's right for you and your partner

Bid08

thanks all, we have been on a few quite plush holiers we done them in our early twenties before buying the house, finacially things are grand but could be better (but couldnt they always)
we are not big drinkers so getting the partying thing out of our system isnt an issue as we are not into it
we often do say an accident would be the best thing to happen but we are just too careful for that to happen aswell
its just such an important decision to make

Hannibal Smith

Bid08 wrote: »

thanks all, we have been on a few quite plush holiers we done them in our early twenties before buying the house, finacially things are grand but could be better (but couldnt they always)
we are not big drinkers so getting the partying thing out of our system isnt an issue as we are not into it
we often do say an accident would be the best thing to happen but we are just too careful for that to happen aswell
its just such an important decision to make

I don't think you're ever totally ready. Ours were planned, but still when I got that positive pregnancy test I thought oh crap, what have I got myself in to. There's no going back from it!

It is a very important decision but like everything if you over think it can become even bigger. Discuss it together and see where you both are on it.

Rachineire

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

Bid08 wrote: »

thanks all, we have been on a few quite plush holiers we done them in our early twenties before buying the house, finacially things are grand but could be better (but couldnt they always)
we are not big drinkers so getting the partying thing out of our system isnt an issue as we are not into it
we often do say an accident would be the best thing to happen but we are just too careful for that to happen aswell
its just such an important decision to make

I don't think you're ever totally ready. Ours were planned, but still when I got that positive pregnancy test I thought oh crap, what have I got myself in to. There's no going back from it!

It is a very important decision but like everything if you over think it can become even bigger. Discuss it together and see where you both are on it.

Haha I did the exact same thing when I got my positive test....it was definitely an oh sh*t moment, even though we planned it! its one of the most exciting/scary things o think anyone will ever do!

highly1111

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

Bid08 wrote: »

thanks all, we have been on a few quite plush holiers we done them in our early twenties before buying the house, finacially things are grand but could be better (but couldnt they always)
we are not big drinkers so getting the partying thing out of our system isnt an issue as we are not into it
we often do say an accident would be the best thing to happen but we are just too careful for that to happen aswell
its just such an important decision to make

I don't think you're ever totally ready. Ours were planned, but still when I got that positive pregnancy test I thought oh crap, what have I got myself in to. There's no going back from it!

It is a very important decision but like everything if you over think it can become even bigger. Discuss it together and see where you both are on it.

We were exactly the same. We were together 9 years when we got married. Met at 18. Enjoyed ourselves immensely during our early 20s and had our own home. The key push for me was my niece being born. The love I had (have) for her was unreal and I thought - wow, imagine what it must be like when you've your own baby!!

I came off the pill the month before our wedding and we had a honeymoon baby - now 3 and we also have a 5 month old. Even though they were both planned I still had the OMG (I sound about 17!) moment and was incredibly nervous and scared. All paled into nothing though the minute he was born. Don't over think it - you've 9 months to prepare for a reason. If you'd both like kids i'd go for it - because it's scary no matter what age you are or what your financial situation is. Having a baby is the biggest thing you will ever do in your life - but also by far and away the most amazing and rewarding (and I was up at 4am with the teething baby this morning and I still think that!!)

My mum gave me good advice - never plan to have a baby, go with your heart and everything will fall into place. If you plan - there will always be a holiday/promotion/house move/wedding (not your own - but I do know people who have delayed trying because they're bridesmaid or something)

Anyway, good luck with your decision. But I'd say go for it! You don't need to validate your inner desire for a baby. And once that desire is there - it's incredibly difficult to ignore.

elly123

I really dont think there is a right or wrong time, i always knew i wanted to get married and have kids and i knew straight away when i met my OH he was the "ONE" we are together 4 years now, and from the start i always made sure he knew that i wanted kids, he wasn't as big on the idea as i was but he understood my reasons, i was told i would find it very difficult to conceive so i wanted to try as soon as we felt we were in a position i.e have a house and live together. We had said we would start trying Xmas 2012 (which would be 15months after we moved in together) as we knew it wouldnt happen straight away and i'll be 26 then so didnt want to keep putting it off and reduce our chances, anyway chatting about it last xmas we said feck it, there will never be a right time, so i came off the pill at Xmas and said lets give it ago, i didn't ovulate untill march, 3 months after coming off the pill which id been on for more than 12 years due to medical reason and in July i discovered i was pregnant. Im 10 weeks now, we couldn't be happier but at same time we were like ohhhhhhhh holy god what are we going to do, this is now for real. Like other posters have said even tho this baby was planned and we want it more than anything in the world and feel blessed it happened so quick we are so nervous but we have plenty of time to get our head around it Like you we're not big into going out so partying and goping out at the weekends wasnt an issue and we've both done the nice holidays and will continue to do them when baby arrives. Our wedding is booked for March 2014 and baby will be 1. I always wanted to be married before a baby came along but with our situation i felt i can plan a wedding anytime but couldnt really plan that i would get pregnant at a certain stage.
I think if you and your OH chat and decide it is both what you want and there is no reason why you would put it off then why not give it ago.

Best of luck with whatever you both decide

xiwang

For me it felt like we were ready when we agreed on names. We always talked about having kids some day, but when we actually agreed on baby names I felt something click (and got pregnant about two weeks after that!)

Neyite

I agree you have to think with your heart. There will always be a better financial time or whatever, but babies, all they need is food, warmth and lots of love and they thrive. Even babystuff can be as cheap or as expensive as you choose, and they dont *need* as much of the stuff as you think.

We look at our 3mth old and wonder why we didnt do this years and years ago, he has brought so much joy to us.

Ms2011

Honestly even as I was trying for our baby I had moments of "what the heck are we doing" :-D.
For a long time I was unwilling to give up the holidays, the weekend lie ins, the going out at the drop of a hat etc. I really thought these would be things I couldn't live without. But now our son is here HE is the thing I could never live without and all that other stuff just pales in comparison :-)

And just to add myself & my partner both lost our jobs while I was pregnant but we have managed fine, you just do. Babies are happiest when they are with you & you cost nothing ;-)

Bid08

ah thanks all, good to hear others had the same fears aswell but all goes away once your little baby comes along thanks

Erper

Bid08 wrote: »

Hi All

Just wondering if anyone can share when they decided you and the OH were ready to have a baby?
just a bit of info about us, I have been with my OH for over a decade, in a loving commited relationship, we are 26, have our own house and both in full time employment.
we are always talking about 'when we have kids' we both know we wants kids while we are young but just dont know how we'll know we are ready, at times I think we are ready but if I really start to think about it seriously I back away from this, I think I just get scared of the idea aswell at times
I know this question can be very open and no definite answer but would like to know what made other couples to start trying.
I have been on the pill for years and we are very careful so its just making that decision as to when to know to come off the pill

there is nothing to be afraid...
for a simple reason...
you will bring something that is the most beautiful in the world, a little angel...

if you are concerned about it, talk to your partner and see where is he with it and is he ready...

sometimes one partner is ready and one is not..
sometimes both are ready but it might take some time to get pregnant...

so in my opinion if you want to get onto that road i have small advice for you...

both of you go for some holiday of 10 days where you would enjoy it...
and than decide is it a time or not...
cause sometimes if you are too nervous its hard on decision...

Bid08

Yea I think we are both ready (me more so than himself but I would assume alot of women are prob always a bit ahead of their OH on this subject)
I always wondered when people know they are ready but not something I want to ask family as I dont want anyone to know we would be trying as thats another fear of not knowing if we going to have trouble getting pregnant,
a family member went through IVF and I just seen the heartache with going through it and attempts not working, luckily they did get pregnant and have a wonderful healthy baby now

emer_b

I'm 32 and hubby is 35. Have our own house, good jobs and have travelled lots. I've never felt broody but we still decided to start a family, basically because we had no more excuses left! I got pregnant the first month we were trying, had a little panic attack when I found out as I assumed it wouldn't happen straight away. Due next month and still couldn't say I feel "ready" but I'm sure as soon as that baby is in my arms it'll be a different story. Best of luck whatever you decide OP.

Rua1

We are going to start trying next year (June) for a baby. I'm nearing 32, so personally don't want to leave it much longer (personal opinion, of course). The whole financial issue and negative equity put us off starting earlier. We own a 2-bed apartment, and while I would have liked to be in a house with a garden, this won't be the case for a few years yet. Just the way the cookie crumbles, I guess. Just need to make the best of it.

It probably sounds horrible, but I feel so incredibly envious of pregnant women and people who have new babies. I am very happy for them of course, but I really hope one day it is me.

Basically, all I am saying, is that I don't think there is a perfect time, there is always something in the way. Just go with your heart.

Bid08

thanks all, you have all eased my fears some what

CamillaRhodes

Best of luck, Bid08. I, like many of the other posters, had that "OMG" moment when our test came back positive, despite the pregnancy being totally planned; it was actually our second, the first was a chemical pregnancy that 'went away' and I think the devastation of that made me realise I really, really, 100% wanted a kid.

Nonetheless, for much of my first trimester, I had really ambivalent feelings about the pregnancy, kept freaking out that I wasn't prepared for it. My partner was actually way more togethr about it than I was, despite me having been the driving force to have a kid to begin with (I'm 32, he's 29, so he feels the urgency less than me). But once I got to about 16 weeks, that malaise lifted, and I realised that a lot of my strange feelings had been to do with it being first trimester blues, something I really hadn't been prepared for - I'd been thinking I'd be vomiting all the time (I wasn't, hardly at all) but I actually just felt generally crappy - kinda that 'blues' feeling you'd have on a monday after a heavy weekend session on the booze; you're not quite hungover any more, you jsut feel like sh*t, physically and emotionally. That was the first trimester for me.

So I just wanted to warn you; don't get scared and start thinking you've made a mistake and rushed into things, if you feel this way in your first weeks of pregnancy. I'm now, at 31 weeks, so, so excited for my little boy to arrive. He's been giving me little kicks as i've been writing this, as if he knows he's being talked about I already feel so much love for him it's overwhelming.

But I really wish someone had warned me about the depression / ambivalence in 1st trimester - it mentioned it somewhere in my "What to Expect..." book (you should buy this, it's a bit annoyingly written but good to have a guide) but I'd never heard anybody else sharing a first-hand experience of 1st trimester blues, so thought I should share here