Help on dealing with Mother on a visit home?

LegacyUser

Need to vent a little but also some advice would be great.

Going home at the weekend to see my family; I live with my partner abroad. Always find it a bit tense; Im 30, brothers are 27 and 23, all in long term stable relatonships, all working, all independant from the parents. We don't see each other a while lot, in person, but keep in touch via email and text; our own ways, and have no issues with each other; it just 'works'; always there when we need each other.

Id love a relationship with the Mother that isn't one cloaked in comments like 'but are you really happy', 'you dont seem happy', 'are you getting on okay with x', and if for any reason she senses I may be a bit stressed on the phone, there will be comments like 'is X treating you okay'...referring to my partner. It actually causes me now to get very defensive especially as I have never had a 'pally' relationship with her (rarely talked about boys/relationships growing up, although I guess that's not too unusual for Mothers and Daughters!). I'd like an adult relationship with her, which sometimes we get a glimpse of, but often soddened. Im happy out in my personal relationships, and get upset when I some off the phone/come home, because it's so hard to handle; she then believes she's 'hit a nerve'. Or she'll have my Father ask a question that I will know will have come from her.

Anyways Ive learned that it's not just me getting the comments, my two brothers have revealed they feel they need to pull away further from her because they naturally are protective of their partners. They try edge out of 'family events' because of it. I have tried confronting my Mother on this and she has a way of making me out to be the baddy, and saying if she doesnt say what she sees, who will? If I mention the adult relationship thing I can 100% guarantee she will have some comeback saying I ought to be an adult etc..I dont know what she wants, and she says it's for us to be happy..but Im transported back to feeling like a child, at 30! That's insane!

She's a good person with her own personal experiences, but she always says to us to stop her if she's interfering but she does it anyway, and it's spreading. I am now feeling very tense about going home, especially as my reasons for this trip home are more about other commitments than family time (It's a once off unexpected trip; Im home often also). I want to enjoy my time home, not feel guilty for attending other events. I know it would hurt her saying these things again, and cause a big argument.

Any advice or similar experiences? Sorry for the rant

username123

I would apply the friendship rule to this. The friendship rule (for me) is this: how would I behave towards a good friend who I trusted and respected in this situation.

The answer is Id tell them that their line of questioning is coming off as passive aggressive, making me uncomfortable and defensive and if they continue to behave this way that Ill have to pull away from the friendship until they learn socially appropriate boundaries and behaviours.

But Id follow through and pull away if the person didnt listen.

Daisy M

It comes across as though she worries too much about you all and is not able to let go of this worry. Maybe you could sit down with her and have a chat, assure her that if you ever have any issues with your partner and need someone to talk to that you will come to her, (this doesnt need to be true). Ask her if she would have liked it if her mother had always been suspicious of her husband and if she ran to her mother everytime there was a small issue.

I am a mum of younger children and I know that their happiness will always be my main concern so I can see where your mum is coming from but your mum needs to learn to let go and accept that your life is your own now.

curlzy

Couldn't agree with Username123 more. You need to pull back and if I were you I'd tell her why. Tell her that her constant implications that your partner isn't up to scratch or that there's something wrong with your relationship is making you dread being in contact with her. Tell her from now on she isn't allowed to even mention them other than to ask "so how is X?". I'd be very very very firm with her. Fight or no fight you need to put a boundry down, you're 30, you're entitled to have boundries. If it comes to it say "you don't seem happy, are you getting on ok with dad?" basically mimic everything she says until she realises how frustrating and soul destroying it is to constantly be asked to prove a negative, like how in the name of god are you expected to prove you're happy when you live in a different country? If she continues with it cut your visits/calls down to once a year or so, who needs stress like that? I'd also tell her she pushing away your brothers who feel the same.

LegacyUser

Op back again.
Thanks a million. I hate to say it but I feel defeated already going into things; I can guarantee her reponses should I say anything.

She didnt have her Mum around as a child or teen, which instantly makes me feel bad when she says 'Im your mother and naturally I worry and its my right to ask you if I dont sense things are okay'. But its like she plucks these 'senses' from thin air, like there's always an ulterior motive.

I can imagine it getting to the point where Ill be close to tears, but she will see that as her having struck a nerve; indeed she would have, but the not the nerve she wants or thinks she has.

I am planning to stop her in her tracks when I hear her passive agressively talking about my brothers partners; it caused so much trouble in my own relationship with my partner, that my brothers 'learned' from me and what they saw, and as a result, only very gradually introduced their partners, and still keep a distance. I know if I say that she will say 'well I have to say what I see, when youre a mother, you will understand'.

It all sounds not that big of a deal on paper., but in reality, god its hard!!!
Thanks

Beruthiel

AnxiousHomeVisit wrote: »

she will say 'well I have to say what I see, when youre a mother, you will understand'.

Well actually that's bs.
My own mother has seen plenty with regards to her daughters and has bitten her tongue even though she would have desperately wanted to do or say something.
Speaking as a mother myself, there is no point interfering in your childs relationship.
They will not listen and can only learn from their own mistakes.
How a child runs their own life is their decision and not a parents business.
So, there is no point for your mother to stick her nose in where it's not wanted. It accomplishes nothing. I would point that out to her.

LadyMayBelle

Beruthiel wrote: »

AnxiousHomeVisit wrote: »

she will say 'well I have to say what I see, when youre a mother, you will understand'.

Well actually that's bs.
My own mother has seen plenty with regards to her daughters and has bitten her tongue even though she would have desperately wanted to do or say something.
Speaking as a mother myself, there is no point interfering in your childs relationship.
They will not listen and can only learn from their own mistakes.
How a child runs their own life is their decision and not a parents business.
So, there is no point for your mother to stick her nose in where it's not wanted. It accomplishes nothing. I would point that out to her.

I agree with Beruithiel here; probably because I hear it a lot too, OP! Stand your ground, you have your life to live now.

edellc

OP cut her a bit of slack, because when she is gone I can guarantee you that you will miss all the endless questions and the worry she obviously feels towards you and your brothers about all your happiness.

I know that is easier said than done but realistically its only a short visit in the scheme of life so why rock the boat, smile and nob and be happy that you can visit her, maybe it is because I lost my mam recently but I would do anything to have siblings that get along and a mother who worries about me like yours so count your blessing and appreciate what you have as you really dont know how very lucky you are.

username123

edellc wrote: »

I know that is easier said than done but realistically its only a short visit in the scheme of life so why rock the boat, smile and nob and be happy that you can visit her, maybe it is because I lost my mam recently but I would do anything to have siblings that get along and a mother who worries about me like yours so count your blessing and appreciate what you have as you really dont know how very lucky you are.

Im sorry but I dont agree with this at all. My own mother is dead but if she was alive I would not tolerate her behaving in this passive aggressive way - not a bit of it!

I am sorry for your loss but the OPs issue is not that her mother worries about her, but rather that her mother is behaving in an inappropriately passive aggressive manner and causes the OP to be anxious and dread visiting.

She Who Dares Wins

Relax a bit, remember its only a short term visit for a start. If you arrive home wound up expecting the worst she's gonna feed off that to start with and set the tone. Arrive happy and upbeat, bring some toblerones from airport shopping. Get in there first by talking about how great things are going these days for you. Then try to get her to talk about herself, what theyre up to these days, local gossip.

There are things with parents that we all have to let out over our heads, just as there are things about children parents will have to tolerate. Sounds a bit like she's looking for attention or to feel "right" or "with it" or maybe needs your relationship to not to be perfect so that she can feel hers is better than yours and have one up on you. Maybe you're doing things with your life that she envies. Lots of things could be going on here. But remember they're the result of her issues.

What about trying something different while you're home...you and her go out shopping and have a meal or something you as mother and daughter dont normally do....try to redirect the direction of the relationship.

Chin up....

edellc

username123 - why would you cause an argument for the sake of causing an argument?? I really dont understand or think that what you have said is the right approach.

As the OP said her mother is a good person who always tells them to let her know when she is interfering and the OP does this yes she forgets and reverts to old but show me an older person who doesnt do this, her mother on the phone always asks how she is and yes she has a word or two to say about her childrens partners but isnt that just and older irish thing (no need to answer because IMO it is especially an older Dublin thing so if your not a Dub then you may not get it), the OP needs to stop stressing about something that is minor in the scheme of life and stop getting wound up so easily, when the mother says something just answer yes smile and nod and then go do her own thing, nobody gets hurt, offended and you dont cause rifts for no reason with someone who loves you more than they do themselves and would give their life for you.

I had at times a difficult relationship with my mother but I also had a thing called respect which a lot of people dont seem to have these days, and think they can shoot their mouth off whenever they like just because they are unhappy with circumstances, remember if your going to throw a stone in water there are ripples and some things you can never take back and will never be forgotten, so think before you speak and consider how you would feel if in years to come if your own offspring where to say what you want to come out of your mouth at this moment.

LegacyUser

Thanks again.
I just wanted to add that I am cutting her slack, and want more than anything, as I have said to have a good relationship with her, but all the slack cutting, suggesting going for lunch, talking and asking her questions idnt working as well as I might have hoped. I dont feel as bad going home by now, and will listen to her more about her, but also be clear on where I want it to stop.

I do agree its a minor thing in this big bad world but this is what this forum is for, no? The good the bad and the ugly. It's not petty when youve lived with it for decades and had your own personal relationships affected greatly and tainted by it.

But I take on board all the comments, thank you

username123

edellc wrote: »

username123 - why would you cause an argument for the sake of causing an argument?? I really dont understand or think that what you have said is the right approach.

I wouldnt cause an argument for the sake of causing an argument but the OP has outlined how she would like a relationship with her mother that didnt involve all these passive aggressive comments and that not only does she feel this way, but both of her brothers feel the same way also. To the point that they are distancing themselves from their mother because it bothers all of them so much.

So I suggested ways to deal with it. I never suggested to have an argument. It is possible to settle a dispute or difference of opinion peacefully by asserting yourself in a calm manner. You seem to think that there is no issue. Thats fine, perhaps passive aggressive nit picking doesnt bother you - but it IS bothering the OP, so I have given my opinion on how best to deal with it.

Why would the OP post here if this wasnt an issue for her? Do you think that telling someone to "stop getting wound up so easily" or "your mother would give her life for you" is helpful advice in the situation? Seriously? Its just patronising.

Sinall

What works for me is heading my mother off at the pass. So when she asks one of those loaded questions or makes a barbed comment I completely change the subject, eg she'll say something and I'll respond, "So, how's Dad today? Did he finish that project you were telling me about?" or "By the way, have you seen so-and-so lately?" Sometimes she falls for it and is distracted and other times she doesn't and will say, "You're not answering me" and I reply, "No, I'm not." She gets the message that I don't want to talk about whatever it is.

It might sound terribly rude, but it's honestly the best way to deal with her. We've always had a very difficult relationship and like you, OP, I always wanted to have a nice, adult, mutually supportive relationship with her. It took many years, a couple of major fallings-out and an almost total estrangement before I accepted that she is who she is, just like I am who I am. That's not going to change and I can't rewrite history, but I can change the way I react to her.

I'm never going to get that 'ideal' relationship with her that I wanted, but I'm fine with that now. I can't change the past or either one of us. But I have succeeded in establishing boundaries and in reinforcing those in a determined, but non-confrontational way. She's getting the message and is far less intrusive than she used to be. Which suits me just fine!

[She's yet to accept that I am who I am and still persists in trying to change myself and my brother, although it's becoming far less frequent with me as I don't engage with it now. But I've accepted things and I've found a way of keeping her at arm's length when she's being difficult so it's working for me!]