Is this unacceptable behaviour

LegacyUser

I am in my late twenties and find myself at home. That alone is unacceptable to be living under my mother’s roof. I like my independence. I finished college a few months ago and I am looking for work and had a few interviews. But I moved home as I was having problems in my house share and I thought if I moved into another place, I could be moving again after a week or two for work which I think can be a lot of hassle. So I moved home as I can just get up and leave whenever I get work without giving notice and finding some one else to take over the lease.

I am finding it ok at home. It’s always home and my mother doesn’t mind or she has never said. I do pay house keeping, I save a bit each week and put it towards the bills as they come up, and I buy my own food. So it’s a bit like a house share.

But there are two more still at home. I have a younger brother who’s 21 and doing a course. And I have a sister at home who’s also late 20s. It’s the sister that’s the problem. There is a total lack of respect towards every one in the house.

She was renting but her wages was reduced towards the end of last year. She couldn’t afford the rent. Her options were to move into town into a cheaper place or move home. If she moved into town, she would never find a way back in the evenings as the last bus into town was at 5pm. She would finish at 6 or 7pm. And it’s about 12 miles into town, so walking or cycling wasn’t an option and taxis every evening would be too much. So she moved home.

She moved home in January of this year but she has been treating the whole house as her own. She moved home with her bags and boxes. She dumped all her stuff in whatever space she could find and they have remained there since. Her stuff is every where, the sitting room, the hall, the kitchen, the bathroom.

She has been taking whatever clothes out of each bag as she needs them. I don’t know where they go when they are clean. When she is finished wearing her clothes for the day, they go into a pile on the bathroom floor. Rather than washing them, it piles up. My mother was sick of this and every so often she would put this pile into a plastic bag. Rather than adding her dirty clothes to this bag, they go on top of the bag or beside it. This is a bathroom where other people uses it and my brother could have friends over and her knickers and bra on the floor.

She has half a room. I share a room with her or meant to. I don’t mind sharing as what other option do I have when I am at home. But her half has been a mess from the moment she moved back in. There is crap all over her bed. Clothes, bags, boxes, and I even saw a used sanitary pad. It’s been like this for eight months. So, where does she sleep. She used to sleep on the couch in the sitting room. Along with other stuff in the sitting room, it was like her bedroom. Everyone in the house was sick of it. There was no where to sit down. So she has a bed, which she doesn’t sleep in and a couch. But that alone isn’t enough.

My brother moved to Australia the same week I came home four weeks ago. So my sister has now taken over his room. My mother is a bit pissed off because what if things doesn’t work out in Australia for him and he has to come home. Rather than cleaning her half of the room, she will just take his room. So that’s a bed for her, the couch whenever she feels like it and now my brother’s room. How many beds does the one person need?

The messiness doesn’t stop there. She doesn’t clean up after herself either. This is all over the house. She can’t use a bin. Every empty can of red bull are all left on the coffee table or the kitchen table. Same thing with empty boxes of fags. If she takes the milk out of the fridge, it will stay out. Same thing with a box of cornflakes. She just expects some one else to clean up after her. My mother doesn’t clean up after her and why should she have to. I have seen a couple of lunch boxes from her and instead of cleaning them out, the crusts will remain until they are mouldy. She came home two weeks ago from swimming, dumped her swimming gear in the hall and its still there.

Not just the messiness. We’re neighbours to the kids she minds, so my sister works two minutes away. It’s not a bad job. Very little travel to and from work. But she buys the kids she minds presents. These kids have everything. She bought a rabbit for the kids. But they were never allowed pets. So she bought the rabbit and a hutch and left him at home. She will bring the kids to see the rabbit. But she barely minds the rabbit.

She starts work at 9am. Lives two minutes away. But she gets up at the last minute. She was always like this. She would go horsing around the house, saying she’s late, she has to go and scoffs down her breakfast. It’s all about her in the mornings. But she can’t even lift the door on the hutch and pour some food into her rabbit’s bowl. 30 seconds job. If you get a pet, you’re meant to mind it. But she would go out the door expecting some one else would feed it. Same thing with the rabbit’s litter box. I feel sorry for the rabbit, it was bought for the kids amusement and it’s being treated like a Barbie doll, forget about it. But it’s not the kids fault. It’s my sister’s fault. But it’s also her responsibility. That’s what gets to me. Why get up so late in the mornings, it’s not about her. No one else should be expected to mind the rabbit.

Along with all this. She would come home in the evenings and spend the evenings smoking. The smoking makes myself and my mother sick. Its gives us both headaches. We can’t even sit in the sitting room in the evenings. It’s the type she smokes that is so sickening cause my brother smokes and its not half as bad. I have actually gotten sick with the smoke from my sister’s fags. My sister knows this but she continues to smoke in the house.

My mother is so sick of the situation and doesn’t know what to do. She did tell her to move out a couple of weeks ago. I’m just sick of the mess and don’t know how to get her to clean up after eight months.

LegacyUser

I am sorry to hear about your situation.. I think the most drastic thing to do is.. between yourself, your mother and brother if he wants to get involved - you should pick up all her crap that she's left everywhere and dump it ALL in whatever room she is in most! Pile it all up on the bed and all her rubbish so when she comes home and flips the lid, then you all have a little sit down and tell her everything she's been doing is NOT ACCEPTABLE!

She's not a child! But seeing as she's acting like one maybe that's the way you all should treat her! Maybe you have tried before to talk to her but it seems to me like you need to play her at her own game, she leaves the house messed up - then dump all her stuff in her room and leave her room in BITS! She would have no choice but to do something about it!

Honestly I dont think you should have to do all that but to me, it looks like she will leave the house like that for the unforeseeable future!

Good luck!

Neyite

years ago, my mother nagged me for days to tidy my room, and being the lazy sod that I was, went out with my mates instead. I think I was 14 or so. One day I came home and found my room spotless. Initially I was chuffed that she had caved and I didnt have to do it, but when I was informed that everything on the floor (which to be honest was all my worldly possessions ) was given to dad and he burnt it in the back garden, I was raging. Devastated. But I was told it was my own fault and to get over it.

About a week later, I was told that it hadnt in fact been burned, but in black bags in the shed. I moved fairly sharp the next time I was told to tidy my room though!

Would this be an option?

The other suggestion I have: Why not suggest to your mother that you take your brothers room on the basis that if he comes home, you will have your things moved out in 24 hrs and have it cleaned and ready for him.

Then, your mother needs to "dump" the crap in other areas of the house in the room. Throw it into her room, and shut the door, I wouldnt even look to see where it lands tbh. If she continues to mess the place up, your mum needs to ask her to leave and mean it.

Or your mother could start charging your sister by the hour for being her maid. I imagine that cleaning up her mess would be an hour or so per day so say 2 hrs @ 10ph, 7 days a week, thats 140 pw.

Daisy M

There seems to be so many of this type of post recently and it makes me wonder what is wrong with the parents when they are not able to put their foot down and say enough, have they been worn out over the years by lazy children?

Its your mums house not yours so she needs to be the one who puts her foot down. Personally if I was her I would collect all your sisters belongings and put them in an out house and I would do this every time she left something lying around, it it gets damp and mouldy thats your sisters problem.
As for your brothers room, she should have asked and she should be made realise that if he returns home the room will revert to him.

Another idea would be to have a bin just for your sisters stuff and the rubbish she leaves lying around. If she leaves something lying around put it in the bin, do not be selective if its a bag of swimming gear bin it and if a half eaten sandwich/ dirty ashtray belonging to your sister is left around pit it in on top of it. She will soon learn.

edellc

OP tbh its not really any of your business, its your mothers house and if she isnt doing much about it then there is nothing you can do, you are all adults if your sister wants to act like a teenager then its up to your mother either say clean your act up or move the 12miles away but its not up to you to do that.

As for her in your brothers room, why are you stressing about it, he isnt here and if it doesnt work out in Oz then she gets kicked out of the room when he arrives back its not an issue and giving you stress that is unnecessary.

If you really dont like the situation you can - speak to you mother, tell her if it doesnt improve then your gone, or move out now, but it is not up to you to dictate rules to your sister under your mothers roof. Also if she is this lazy cow you are describing then there is no one to blame for this but your parents for her upbringing and it seems that your mother is still letting her get away with it, so its either you put up or ship out.

Pessimist

This isn't your house nor a share house. It's your mother's house and if she has a problem with it then she needs to take action. You just have to put up with it or move out. You're not kids anymore, you're all adults and should behave as such. You're very lucky that your mum is letting you stay with her for relatively very little. You have to respect your mother and her rules. If she's letting your sister get away with bein lazy and inconsiderate then it's her business.

I don't mean to sound harsh but it sounds like you're obsessing about your sister a little too much and need to let things go before you give yourself a hernia!

jimmycrackcorm

Only half agree with the last two posters. Yes it is the mothers house but also the op has to share the house and no one else sharing would put up with this. I think Neyites post gives a clue in that bringing the issue to the fore is required. Something like taking the dirty laundry left in the bathroom in a plastic bag and leaving it out by the bin to make a point or such. Before too long she has to get the message, however it has to be driven by the mother.

Stavro Mueller

The OP hasn't gone into detail about what sort of relationship the sister has with their mother. Is her mum downtrodden by the daughter at this stage? I get the impression that no matter what the OP's mother says or does, the sister will just ignore her. Subtle hints are not working. All through this I was wondering where was the mother's backbone. Most people would get a tremendous bollocking from their parents if they tried to pull a stunt like this

I think action needs to be taken and something dramatic. When I was a kid and had ignored enough calls to tidy my room, my mum would drag all the mess from my bedroom out onto the landing. It certainly worked! I don't think it would quite work in this case because the sister has dumped her stuff all over the place anyway. I like Neyite's big black bag suggestion. That way, things will come to a head and the sister will have no choice but to do something. She needs to be told in no uncertain terms that she cannot treat the place like her own personal squat. She also needs to be told she cannot sleep on the sofa.

Roisy7

The second she comes in from work say "Can you please clean this bowl you made breakfast with this morning?"

I did this with a messy housemate the second she came home from work and it worked.

Clearly the OP's sister is an extreme case but maybe constant nagging may work.

Extreme options for an extreme pig: I like the suggestions of dumping her stuff. Literally get black bags, put all her **** in it and say it's gone to the dump. See how she likes that.

Does the mother cook for her? She should no longer do this. If she is taking food from the fridge and presses, move the dry stuff into other rooms into the house. She may be starved into submission. Hell, lock her out of the kitchen until she learns.

Say if she cannot care for her rabbit you will have to send it to an animal shelter (obv don't really send it to an animal shelter, it's not the bunny's fault).

The nuclear option. Follow her to work one day, with some black bags containing her crap and say, oh X you must have forgot to take this to work, or else why is it all over the house.

I know these are extreme options but your sister sounds absolutely DISGUSTING! Sanitary towels... Who DOES that?!!

The smoking needs to stop- it's not giving you headaches, it's giving you lung cancer. Seriously, that is the very height of disrespect to smoke indoors in front of your family, especially nowadays when smokers expect to indulge outside. Even exposure to second hand smoke for a short while can damage your lungs. My friend lived in a college house of smokers for a year and got severe bronchitis. I indulged in social smoking for a year and triggered asthma. Don't underestimate how dangerous it is!

Neyite

cymbaline wrote: »

She also needs to be told she cannot sleep on the sofa.

This is where you set the alarm for the crack of dawn and get up, turn the telly on full blast and start tidying. Noisily. Bang cups and plates together, open the window to air the place, spray lots of Pledge to choke her, let the door slam as you make continous journeys between the sitting room and the rest of the house, and hoover meticiously .

ibarelycare

Yes, this is completely unacceptable behaviour. So why is your mother putting up with it? You said she told her to move out...what was your sister's response to that? And I take it your mother didn't follow up on it? By not putting her foot down and asserting some authority in her own home, your mother is enabling your sister's behaviour.

She Who Dares Wins

She's doing it because she's getting away with it! Firstly, the smoking....I wouldn't put up with this for a second. Round everyone up, have your parents lay down the law, no smoking inside the house. For god sake thats a matter of cancer!

Your mother sounds far too passive. The sister is clearly a lazy slob user....I wouldnt mind her taking over the brothers room once I didnt have to put up with her in mine. Throw all her stuff in there as it is. Do one last sweet of the house and black sack everything outside that room that is hers or that she's used and left out....even if it's half a carton of sour milk and put it all in her room. Anything thats left outside it after that gets the bin...but this has to be done by your mother because it is her house.