I think I love my boyfriend but...

Sophie_B

I've been in a relationship for the past 7 years, since I was 17 years old. We went on a break for 10 months when my boyfriend went travelling as we felt we had been together from such a young age. I began seeing another guy I met in college and I really fell for him. Unfortunately he didn't feel as strongly about me and pretty much just used me for sex although he was always very upfront about his feelings and I knew what I was getting into. I wanted him more than anything but when nothing came of us and my boyfriend got home we got back together. I kept in contact with the other guy over the last two years but recently he's been telling me he feels differently about me lately. I'm just so confused about what to do.

My boyfriend is truely amazing in every way and loves me more than anything. We still spend a huge amount of time apart because of his work and I'm finding this difficult. I can only see him once or twice a month. I just don't know of I'm in love with him although I'm sure that I love him. But I just can't stop thinking what could be with this other guy. I know my friends and parents think I'm insane as the other guy didn't treat me very well at all, but I'm incredibly attracted to him and have never felt that strongly about anyone in a physical way, even though my boyfriend is probably just as good looking as him! I don't know if I'm just settling for security with my boyfriend because I know I would have a nice life with him. I don't know how the other guy truely feels about me because I think he's protecting himself because i have a bf! but he could have had me two years ago and didn't want me then... help!

LegacyUser

he could have had me two years ago and didn't want me then

this. If he was really into you he would've held on to you when he had the chance. This will sound harsh but he knows he has you so wrapped around his finger that you kept in contact for 2 years, even when you had a bf, that he probably just sees you as an easy (sex) target.

Then again the fact you would chose to stay in contact with this guy while with you bf would seem to suggest that your feelings for your bf may not be as strong as you think.

It seems odd to me that as soon as you "took a break" from your relationship with your bf you immediately jumped straight back into something with someone else.Why should your only options be either a)settling for a man you only have lukewarm feelings for or b) settling for a man who only has lukewarm feelings for you ?

You do know that it would seem more than likely that neither of these guys are for you and that it is actually ok to be single - right?

Maybe taking some time to be single for the first time in your life will allow you to learn about yourself, who you are, what you want in a partner and then instead of having to settle for either of these guys you can find a man you're head over heels about and who feels exactly the same way about you!

All the best OP

tbh

to be honest (hence the name) if I were you, I'd take a chance. I'd tell the boyfriend that you want to call it a day, and I'd start to see what seeing other people is like. Not just this other guy (wouldn't trust him tbh), but other guys you haven't met yet.

You're 24 and you've been with your boyfriend pretty much since you were 17. It's like going to a new country and opting to spend the rest of your life in the small town you first arrived at. If it were me, i'd always be wondering what I was missing.


So yeah. I'm 38, happily married, with experience of both sides of the heartbreak coin. If I were you, at 24, in your position, and knowing what I know now, I'd take a chance.

ps - it might be that you actually *do* love your boyfriend, but it also might be that you need to lose your boyfriend to learn what love is. That was the lesson I learned from breaking up with my first serious girlfriend. It turns out that what I had with her is pretty much as good as it gets, but, luckily for me, it also turned out that she wasn't the only girl in the world I can have that type of relationship with.

Peanut2011

OP,

I would have a slightly different view than TBH. Firstly it would seem the reason you have this attraction for the other guy is two fold. One you find him attractive and two he is one trying to charm you now. As you said when you were with him he did not want what you wanted now he does.

And secondly, you seem to be spending very little time with your boyfriend and that could be fuelling this attraction you have for the other guy. They do say far away from the eyes, far away from the heart.

I would say no one here can tell you what will be the right thing to do, only you can look at the situation and decide what you want to do that is best for you. You come across as a very level headed person and I am sure if you sit back and think all of the scenarios trough you will find the right answer.

The question is where are you in your life? What would you like to do/be/achieve in next few years? Do you want to be married with kids before you are 30 or did you even think that far yet? Your decision also depends quite a bit on this. Once you have thought all this trough, only than you can make an informed choice. Yes you are only 24 and yes you have as they say your life in front of you but you need to be sure what you decide is what you want.

Your boyfriend could be your safety net and you could love him, however since you are together for that long now, that initial raw lust is probably gone, which is what you are feeling for this other guy. However, this other guy from the very little you have wrote about him does not sound like someone nice.

He wanted you for one thing only and was clear about it before, however now that he knows you have a boyfriend he is ready for more? To me it sounds like someone who just wants to prove to himself he can still have you and will say anything just to get you. He probably knows how much you liked him and is playing on that ( I could be completely wrong).

Weather or not you stay with your boyfriend please don't do it for this other guy. I would also suggest even if you decide you want to see "what is out there" I would suggest do it for the right reasons.

Personally as they say, you never know what you had until you don't have it any more!

Priori

runfreeeeee wrote:

You do know that it would seem more than likely that neither of these guys are for you and that it is actually ok to be single - right?

Maybe taking some time to be single for the first time in your life will allow you to learn about yourself, who you are, what you want in a partner and then instead of having to settle for either of these guys you can find a man you're head over heels about and who feels exactly the same way about you!

All the best OP

+1, in fact +1,000! Great advice.

You would do well to find your feet without a signficant other for a while (well, a significant other with sexual ties).

Jason Todd

I don't mean this in a harsh way OP, but maybe you could do with being single for a while. This guy will more than likely let you down, he has previous form. On the other hand, if you're having thoughts about someone else then your boyfriend doesn't deserve that. He deserves someone who will be as committed to him as he appears to be to you.

Maybe a break from it all would clear your head and if you still want to, this other guy will be there for you. You will find out then if he really ants you or just saw you as "forbidden" as you were in a relationship.

Piliger

Hi OP.

Reading your post I am left feeling that you appear to have really low self esteem.

I also feel that this long term relationship is going nowhere. This kind of arrangement of seeing him the odd time is not good enough. It's not what you deserve out of life. I also feel that during your 7 month break, if you had really been in LOVE with your long term BF you wouldn't have been able to continue the relationship with the other guy. Your love would have stopped you.

As regards this other guy - times change. He may have grown up. I think you should consider giving him a go. You say this other guy treats you badly ? In what way ? You do know that you used him every bit as much as he used you don't you ?

Either way OP, I really thing that you need to move on from your long term BF. It is going nowhere and I have no doubts whatsoever that it is an unhealthy relationship and you are not actually in love with him. It is just about company, companionship, convenience and a fear of being alone.