Should I Go Easier On My Mother?

LegacyUser

Long-term boardsie, going unreg on this just in case. Sorry in advance about the long post – I started writing and topped the 1,000-word mark before I realised!

Basically, I have a problem with my mother. My wife and I foster, and we have a boy with us for about six months now. The way things are going, it looks like he’ll be with us for the foreseeable. Either way, we’re raising him like one of our own – it’s the only way we know how, and he’s been let down far too much in his life.

A few weeks back, we had an event that doubled as his birthday present – I can’t really elaborate, but it was kind of a big deal to him, and he loved it, thank god. I told my family, no pressure, but you’d be very welcome. My sister couldn’t make it – she had to work. One of my brothers made it.

My mother said she would come, and that she’d also bring my other brother – who’s not that independent due to mental illness. That was, until two days before the event, when she called to say that she was stressed out about making the journey and wouldn’t be coming. I’d have offered to drive, but I needed to be there beforehand. I said fine.

To put this into context, the event was in Tallaght, about a half hour’s drive from her house. It involved two turns off the M50 motorway to get to the parking area. The place where the event was happening was just across the road from the parking area.

My mum is a widow – dad died about 4 years ago – but very independent. Loves travel, etc., and she’ll drive down to the back-end of nowhere for a good deal on bed and breakfast. However, since I’ve moved out about three years ago, I think she’s been out to see us three times. This was the first event I’ve asked her to come to since my wedding in three years ago – family stuff always takes place at her house.

In this context, I can’t but feel that she didn’t come, quite simply, because she didn’t want to go to Tallaght. I think it says something about her relationship with our foster child and, indeed, me.

Aside from this, I have a problem with how she handled the issue. Telling us two days beforehand gave us no time to sort something out for the brother who wasn’t going to be there. It’s also not good enough, IMO, to cancel on an eight-year-old who’s already been let down often enough after saying you’ll come. And she has made this, which should just be a happy thing for him, all about her.

In our initial phonecall. she claimed that she was up all night worrying about this drive – she’s done it before, and she has a bloody sat-nav. Then, she left a voicemail message for my wife, claiming she was having panic attacks about it. This is the first and last time panic attacks have been mentioned by her – funnily enough, she found out a while back that my wife suffered with them. More recently, she texted to say that she spoke to the Samaritans about it – apparently, they advised her to just tell me the truth and assured her that I would understand. This is rather peculiar, because I know a person who volunteered with the Samaritans: they’re apparently told not to give specific advice on how to handle issues, and not to make specific predictions.

On Friday, she called me while I was working and while I was walking home. I didn’t take either call. She left a teary voicemail – “will you ever forgive me?” – on the second call. I texted to say “I’m not lucking to cut you off or anything like that. But I don’t want to talk right now and I don’t think it would help. I’d appreciate it if you could just give me some space”. She said thanks for answering, and that she wouldn’t contact me. Well, on Saturday and this morning, I hear from my bro and sister respectively, both of them wondering why I amn’t speaking to mum. I’ve explained that I just asked for a bit of space because she kept calling, and what my problem is.

A bit of background is probably worth providing. My mum is, and always has been, inclined towards drama. She has also used manipulation in the past, and has a selective memory – she will convince herself that her version of events actually happened. All of my siblings (with the exception of my brother who suffers with mental illness and is quite dependent emotionally) have substantial issues with how they were brought up, and haven’t been slow communicating this to me. My brother is gay, and my parents had a hard time accepting that. My sister had a hard time getting our parents to accept her then-boyfriend, now husband, because he was younger than her and not as well-educated. All of us had physical discipline used to a degree that, I now realise, was abnormal – and indeed were hit in anger on occasion. I also remember occasions where she would lambaste me – personally, rather than the behaviour – as a seven year old kid, talking about my ‘heroes’ (wrestlers at the time) were worthless, how much of what I did was worthless etc.. Personally, I also have a problem that they always looked down on my choice of career – it sounds petty, but I was at a company for a good 18 months and had to explain what I did at every single family event during that period, while she knew exactly the ins and outs of my brother’s career path (he’s in a respected profession). All my siblings have had therapy. I just have a fantastic wife, who’s been infinitely patient talking through things and helping me handle things like anger (I used to rage and hit my desk about really tiny work-related things) more appropriately.

It’s probably worth mentioning that my wife’s parents and family – who we live quite closely to – are much more involved in our day-to-day lives. She’s very close to them, and I’ve become quite close. They really made an effort on the night of the event – in fact, my wife’s granddad is not long after surgery and still went, despite nearly collapsing on the way! I get little hints here and there that my mum resents this.

Right now, I’m as happy and well-adjusted as I’ve ever been. Career great, fantastic wife, not worrying about money for the first time in years, few issues with our foster child but we’re making progress. I don’t want to be drawn into this teary, over-the-top, selfish drama. The issue is comparatively small, but it’s fed into a lot of the problems I have with my mother, and I feel like I’m totally out of patience. Am I being unreasonable, and is there any advice you’d give?

username123

Angryson wrote: »

I don’t want to be drawn into this teary, over-the-top, selfish drama.

Then dont be. Writing such a long post, going over each small detail, looking to explain background etc... theres no need for any of it.

Long story short - your mother let you down. End of.

Youre not being unreasonable, but you are playing into her hands to be so caught up in it. Your foster child probably hasnt taken it as hard as you have!

The best thing to do would be to make clear to your foster child that your mother cannot be depended upon and can break her word. Not nastily, just matter of fact.

And deal with your mother the same way. Not nastily, not looking to see what game is being played, not pandering to silly calls about panic attacks etc...

Quite simply : Mum, such and such an event is on, be great if you could make it.

And if she doesnt make it, so what? It was still a good event?

You cant live your life allowing someone elses behaviour to dictate your happiness in an event. She didnt go - that was her choice, you have no control over her behaviour, so just accept it and move on with your own life and learn from this lesson not to depend on her.

Ickle Magoo

Hey there OP,

I don't think you should go easier on your mother - I think you need to go easier on yourself. You seem to be puting an awful lot of thought into whether you should be offended by someone being rather thoughtless and inconsiderate.

It might help to take a step back from events to acknowledge your familial relations aren't and haven't been ideal - that your mother cannot be relied upon and loves the drama and then disengage from the usual drama and dynamics you would go through with your family.

I know from experience it can be difficult to accept that those who should love us and ours most just don't live up to basic expectation but it's really very cathartic to put distance - both physical and emotional - between you and anyone whom you can't/don't have a healthy, mutually respectful relationship with.

All the very best.

Daisy M

Firstly I just want to say well done on giving a little boy a new home and making him loved again.

As for your mother the best way you can approach it is not have any expectations of her and that way you will never be let down by her. Invite her to whatever events you have on and tell any children that she will do her best to be there but may not make it, that way they won't be let down at the last minute either.

daisybelle2008

Hi OP, you say your mother is making it all about her, but really you are making it about her. The degree to which this negatively impacts your life is dictated by you getting offended, upset, mulling over the past and dramatising it yourself.
Just shrug your shoulder, say to yourself she is who she is and be happy with your life, it sounds very full and blessed. 100% up to you though, not the old lady.

whatdoicare

I read yr post OP and you could be describing my own mother word for word, when I was young and vulnerable she had the full run of what happened at major occasions in my life and happily turned pretty much straight forward events into a huge drama - It took me a hell of a long to cop on to this and even longer to find a way to deal with it. Im in my 30s now and married and it's only in the last year that I have it all under control. I was taught how to do this by a professional in cognitive behaviour.

What I found was the best thing to do was to just use the phrase "whatever you think yourself" coming up to an event - don't openly agree to any changes or demands - just keep telling her your plans and don't bend or deviate from them for her, (it'll feel like the easy thing to do to change something she wants, such as the time or venue but don't do it, it's her way of testing the waters to her drama) - inviting her to the event is your part done and then afterwards don't react in any way to what she has or hasn't said or done. Just do what you're doing - keep away from her.

Your siblings will call you like they are now asking why you're not talking (this is phase two of her drama pattern) etc and simply answer "I am talking to her - why does she think I'm not?", play ignorant, baffled even, and leave it all up to her to explain why she thinks you are not talking to her. Here you are stopping the drama before it can make phase three "meltdown" and embarrassing her by forcing her to explain her bad behaviour! She never had to do this before because you probably haven't noticed that you do all the work for her when siblings call demanding answers - then it's a simple matter for her to deny it or play the victim. If she is left to tell the whole story without your anger input, it's much harder to do that. Impossible actually.

If she does make an event and all goes smoothly make a big deal about how great she is to anyone in her earshot and to siblings - say stuff like "Mom made it today even though she was having a real tough time of it lately - I am SO proud of her!" If you can, keep the praise up for a long time.

After a while her behaviour will change - she'll realise that she won't get rewarded for bad behaviour and get hugely rewarded for her good behaviour!


Don't think it'll work? I got my own mother to stop smoking on top of me (after years of begging, pleading and outright arguing with her about it) by publicly telling my dad and brother in front of her "I am so proud of mom lately, I know it's real tough for her but I really appreciate the efforts she has gone to not smoke around me! Don't think I haven't noticed mom! *big kiss and hug*" Of course she hadn't been trying at all but it put the idea in her head and now she's acting on it - result for me!

It's 100% true what they say about teaching people how to behave around you starts with changing your own behaviour not theirs.

Hope that helps you take control of your life back. Good luck!

Pumpkinseeds

Well done on helping the child. As you said yourself and your wife are raising him as if he were your own and I think that is wonderful. I think that the best thing to do is just to do what makes the child,your wife and yourself of happy. The reality is that people can be selfish and you need to focus on the child and not the needs of your mother. You invited her and she let you down, whatever her reasons/motives were. Now you know how things are likely to be with her in the future.

I'd say that you should just let it go now and move on, anything else is just giving her ammunition to drag your siblings into a row and that helps nobody ultimately. By all means invite family members to join in celebrations, just enjoy your little family and let others do what they will. Don't let others spoil it for you.

Kimia

username123 wrote: »

Then dont be. Writing such a long post, going over each small detail, looking to explain background etc... theres no need for any of it.

Long story short - your mother let you down. End of.

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Hi OP, you say your mother is making it all about her, but really you are making it about her. The degree to which this negatively impacts your life is dictated by you getting offended, upset, mulling over the past and dramatising it yourself.
Just shrug your shoulder, say to yourself she is who she is and be happy with your life, it sounds very full and blessed. 100% up to you though, not the old lady.

I am shocked by how insensitive both these posts are. It's like you both went out of your way to minimize how the OP is feeling about what sounds like a difficult childhood and situation. His feelings matter - it's not fair to say 'long story short' or tell him to 'shrug your shoulders'. Unbelievable lack of empathy.

OP, it sounds like you have a very difficult relationship with your mother. She sounds quite narcissistic which can be horrendously tough to deal with, making everything about her, and being self-absorbed to the point where nothing you say will make a difference.

I'm not sure what I can offer other than to say that it's understandable that you're upset. Your wife's family sound very supportive and I'm sure that's only highlighting to you now how different your upbringing was, and how you don't have the same type of relationship with your mother.

All I can say is, lower your expectations of your mother. It sounds awful but that may be the only way you can deal with her without constant disappointment. She's proven that she's unreliable and melodramatic, so now that you know that and can see that clearly, manage your own reactions to her in a way that you feel comfortable with. All the best.

username123

Kimia wrote: »

I am shocked by how insensitive both these posts are. It's like you both went out of your way to minimize how the OP is feeling about what sounds like a difficult childhood and situation. His feelings matter - it's not fair to say 'long story short' or tell him to 'shrug your shoulders'. Unbelievable lack of empathy.

Attack the post not the poster, how dare you state that I personally have an unbelievable lack of empathy - you do not know me, your opinions on my ability to empathise are neither wanted nor welcome.

Kimia wrote: »

All I can say is, lower your expectations of your mother. It sounds awful but that may be the only way you can deal with her without constant disappointment. She's proven that she's unreliable and melodramatic, so now that you know that and can see that clearly, manage your own reactions to her in a way that you feel comfortable with. All the best.

And then you go on to give much the same advice!!!!

DoctorMedicine

I felt compelled to answer due to the complete selfishness and lack of understanding of the OP. You have no idea how difficult it is to raise somebody with a mental illness, you have no idea how much patience and worry occurs when caring for someone who is that vulnerable. Your mother may be having panic attacks as a result of all the stress in her life-and yet you see the need to add to that by trying to cut her out for a while?

She wasn't able to make it, get over it. You're the one acting like a puerile individual by not accepting that and moving on.

Big Bag of Chips

You say that you told your family "no pressure". Some of them could make it, some couldn't. I don't understand why there's a different rule for your mother, and why you are so annoyed that she in particular didn't go.

Maybe she just couldn't be bothered. Maybe she didn't want to drive to Tallaght. Maybe she genuinely didn't feel up to it... Whatever the reason the only response from you should have been "ok, sure don't worry about it, we'll see you soon". If she brought it up after that or continued to go on about it, its easily cut short with "it doesn't matter, sure I just told everyone it was on incase they'd like go. There was no pressure on anyone to be there..."

I also think giving 2 days notice of not going is sufficient.

I think you are angry at your mam for many more reasons than this, and this is just the last straw for you...

But from my reading of it.. she didn't really do anything too bad? Would you have reacted the same if one of your siblings had cancelled?

Edit: I also meant to add, kids rarely notice who's not at a party or day out. They are too busy enjoying themselves and having fun with who is there. You said it was a big deal for him "and he loved it". That's the only thing that matters. Not whether or not your mother let you down. She didn't let him down, because she wasn't an important part of his day.

So try not to make this about your mother letting this boy down.. because you feel like that, not him. But he will take the lead from you.. so if you make this into an issue of how your mother treats you, and in turn him.. then he will feel rejected by your mother.

This should have been a non issue.

Gooner111

I have to agree with the other posters... lower your expectations. Whenever you have an event invite your mother and tell her you'd love for her to come. If she turns up brilliant, if not then you'll still have a great day. I think you were right not to continue taking calls from your mother that time... she wanted your attention on her. Don't play to her tune. Seems like you've had a rough upbringing but are doing well now. Keep concentrating on your own life and don't let these small problems drag you down.

Taltos

Can I remind posters of our charter.

Please let's keep on point - if you have an issue with a poster/post please use the report function, don't pull the topic off topic. Also per our charter a little civility hurts no-one. OPs normally post here as a last resort, the last thing they need is someone telling them off for either their style or the length of their post.

Thanks all.
Taltos

LegacyUser

Hi, OP here.

Thanks for all the posts, even the ones that have been somewhat critical - or perceived as such. And thanks for the note, Taltos. Though honestly, I'm in a very good place aside from this issue, and can take criticism. I know the post was quite long - I'm just aware that these threads can get derailed as the OP clarifies, adds extra information, etc!

I should respond to the person who said I have no idea what it's like to raise someone with mental illness. I obviously haven't raised someone with mental illness myself. But I know what it's like to be a brother to someone with mental illness, and I know her job with him isn't easy. How she did that job is a whole other kettle of fish.

My point re the panic attacks is that she has never mentioned having these before or since that message to my wife, who told her last year that she has panic attacks herself. I'm sceptical because, quite honestly, this is a technique she's used since I was a child to avoid criticism - leveraging the things she's been told in confidence to gain sympathy or attention. It's been done to my late dad, my siblings, to me and now my wife. So, if I seem a bit insensitive, blame the law of diminishing returns.

I should also clarify - I'm not even that annoyed anymore about her bailing on something purely because she didn't want to drive to Tallaght. I was nice to her on the phone. I just didn't want let her make it into a drama. But now I'm furious that she's made this all about her with constant upsetting messages. I do want to move on, with further diminished expectations of her, but she's trying to engineer a kind of middle class Jeremy Kyle episode/melodrama.

Yesterday, I had my sister texting asking why I was hurting her mother so much. This, by the way, is someone who barely spoke to her for years. Words fail. I've emailed her to basically say 'I want to have some space rather than a pointless row, I let you work out a relationship with Mum without taking her side, kindly do the same'.

So yeah, thanks guys. Honestly, I'm not that cut up about this. But the reaction from her - and now my sister - has been so hysterical that I wanted to double-check I'm not being unfair! It's only reasonable to want a bit of space rather than having a pointless row, right?

tbh

Angryson wrote: »

Right now, I’m as happy and well-adjusted as I’ve ever been. Career great, fantastic wife, not worrying about money for the first time in years, few issues with our foster child but we’re making progress. I don’t want to be drawn into this teary, over-the-top, selfish drama. The issue is comparatively small, but it’s fed into a lot of the problems I have with my mother, and I feel like I’m totally out of patience. Am I being unreasonable, and is there any advice you’d give?

Focus on that. As username123 said, don't get drawn into it. You know your mams a bit of a drama queen - best advice I could give you is to not hold it against her, but don't let it bring you down. She can't come? you roll your eyes to yourself, you say "that's grand mam, don't worry about it, honestly" and then you go about your day.

biddybops

tbh wrote: »

Angryson wrote: »

Right now, I’m as happy and well-adjusted as I’ve ever been. Career great, fantastic wife, not worrying about money for the first time in years, few issues with our foster child but we’re making progress. I don’t want to be drawn into this teary, over-the-top, selfish drama. The issue is comparatively small, but it’s fed into a lot of the problems I have with my mother, and I feel like I’m totally out of patience. Am I being unreasonable, and is there any advice you’d give?

Focus on that. As username123 said, don't get drawn into it. You know your mams a bit of a drama queen - best advice I could give you is to not hold it against her, but don't let it bring you down. She can't come? you roll your eyes to yourself, you say "that's grand mam, don't worry about it, honestly" and then you go about your day.

Don't mean to be blunt or come across as uncaring about your situation but :
What age is your mum? Do you not think she is worried sick as to who is going to care for your brother if something happens to her? That worry would give me panic attacks!
Maybe she confided in you about her panic attacks as a cry for help?
How often do you take your brother into your home to give your mum some time alone or just to be able to go to the shops or go for a cup of coffee?
It's just a thought that's all.

LegacyUser

Just to be devil's advocate, here are some of my thoughts. They're coloured by the recent behaviour of one of my parents who is now widowed and was a carer.

► Driving to Tallaght might not be any big deal for you but for others, it's something they absolutely dread. Dublin driving has the power to strike terror into the hearts of those who are not familiar with the city and its outskirts.

► Some people as they age go in on themselves and hate their routine being interrupted.

► When someone's a carer, their life often revolves so much around the person they're looking after that their focus can become quite narrow.

► Some parents are simply more generous than others. Try not to take this to heart. Accept your mother for what she is and don't be expecting her to be the person she isn't.