Delicate issue: boyfriend's clothes

LegacyUser

Hi,

I have a trivial issue that has been bugging me since I got together with my boyfriend a few months ago.

He's an amazing guy, treats me so well and the chemistry is great, but he really makes no effort with his appearance at all. It's like this total disinterest when it comes to his wardrobe, which basically consists of five or six t shirts that he's been wearing for the past 4 or 5 years and a few pairs of old jeans. He hasn't been properly shopping in about five years and has told me that he hates hates hates it.

I know this sounds shallow as hell, but I think it's naive to think that your appearance is something that people don't judge you on and it's definitely playing into my attraction for him. My heart just drops everytime we go out and I've made a big effort to look nice for him and he's wearing one of his old t shirts and jeans again and looks like he can't be bothered. We could be going out for dinner in a fancy restaurant or to a club with a group of friends and it's just the same.

I'm no fashionista but I make a big effort with my wardrobe, hair and makeup, I work in a professional job and understand the importance of doing so. I'm attractive and always turn myself out well.

I should stress we're both living abroad, he's been busy paying off loans for the last few years and will be leaving to go back to Ireland soon so saving for that as he expects finding work will be a struggle.

Just don't know how to approach it without coming off as a shallow b1tch or injuring his pride or something. I'm crazy about him but never dated someone who cared so little about their appearance before and I feel like it could really affect our relationship if I let it fester.

Any advice on how to handle?

Did it not bother you when you started going out with him? or did he change?

ibarelycare

You're only going out with him a few months, presumably he was like this when you met. If it's such a big issue for you then why go out with him in the first place?

If that's the way he feels comfortable and happy dressing then what's the harm? You shouldn't try and change a partner to conform to what you think is right.

Peanut2011

OP, as others have said if that was the way he was initially than it should not cause the problem now, however if he was not than you need to look at and speak to him to see what happened that he does not make an effort any more.

Furthermore may I suggest, next time you are out shopping for yourself you get him a nice shirt that you would like to see him in? Maybe a small things like that and compliment him when he does make the effort. There are nice ways about approaching the subject. You can always mention you seen this or saw that and would thought he would look really well in that and so on.

I know many guys won't be bothered going shopping and will wear the stuff as long as they feel comfortable in them.

Gooner111

On nights out with your friends/date nights ask him to make an extra effort as it would make you happy! I do not think that is an unfair request. If he can't afford the clothes then that is understandable but at least you'd know why he hasn't made effort in that area. I would stress... asking him to dress up on the odd night out is ok once its just that. If you want him to change his wardrobe so he fits your image of what he could be, that is WRONG! Remember you've fallen for him as he is so don't let his clothes put you off...but you could encourage him with some sweet talk, few presents, gentle persuasion.

ash23

I can see why it might only be becoming an issue now. Like at the start your dates might have been casual meetings in pubs or cinema etc. And the jeans and t-shirt combo is fine. But now you're with him a while and things start coming up like birthdays or anniversaries or weddings and you the jeans and tshirt starts becoming an issue.

OP, if I were you I would mention it to him the next time there's a plan to go somewhere "nice". Just say to him that you'd love if he dressed up. If he says he has nothing to wear, offer to go shopping with him. Personally I hate shopping with a passion. So I do all my clothes shopping online. He might be open to that idea.

Curry Addict

i can identify with your boyfriend. some men really dont care about clothes and see them as purely functional.
im never happy when people insist I dress up, it pisses me off tbh. for me its parcatical, self confident thing.

i find people close to me buy me clothes and thats ok with me.
so maybe buy him some clothes sometimes.

P. Breathnach

I don't think it should be a problem to ask him to adjust a bit. There are circumstances where old jeans and T-shirts might be considered too casual. Suggest to him that he get a couple of nice shirts and one pair of slightly-dressier trousers that he reserve for such circumstances. That should not cost a fortune. Drag him off shopping on the understanding that he is doing something to please you (he is willing to do things to please you, I trust).

He can be totally casual 98% of the time, and he can dress to please you the other 2%.

LegacyUser

ash23 wrote: »

I can see why it might only be becoming an issue now. Like at the start your dates might have been casual meetings in pubs or cinema etc. And the jeans and t-shirt combo is fine. But now you're with him a while and things start coming up like birthdays or anniversaries or weddings and you the jeans and tshirt starts becoming an issue.
.

yeah pretty much this. In the beginning it was all casual, and while I always made a big effort on our dates, he'd turn up in a t shirt I hadn't seen before and it wasn't an issue. I fell for him pretty quickly, he's just a gem and the chemistry is great and it was the first time in ages I met someone that I clicked with in that way...and suddenly we're months down the line and I've seen every t shirt on him ten times and the same 2 pairs of trousers and it's beginning to bug me.

I guess it doesn't help that we live in a city where we're surrounded by very well groomed, well dressed people and I feel he sticks out like a sore thumb. All the guys I've dated over here have been the opposite, great attention to detail with every aspect of their clothing, nice shoes, shirts, trousers, aftershave, very stylish...so I sort of got used to that as the norm, even though I know that Irish guys can be different (stress on CAN be)

I have dropped hints, like I'll go into overdrive on the compliments if he makes a bit more of an effort, if I see another guy wearing a nice shirt when we're out I'll say that would look amazing on you, have tried to get him to come with me when I'm going shopping but there's just no interest there at all.

I think buying him stuff is a good idea, next time I'm out I'll do that and see how he reacts. It's getting to the point where I can't keep my eyes off other well-dressed guys when we're out and wishing that my boyfriend was dressed like them

ibarelycare

Sorry OP but you sound incredibly shallow.

username123

If you are not happy with someone who makes no effort with personal grooming or appearance, then why go out with them?

It must have been apparent from the start, people who have the same few t-shirts and jeans are not showing up with amazing personal grooming elsewhere (like fabulous shoes, haircut, aftershave, waxing etc....)

Id say you are fighting a losing battle, regardless of 'dropping hints' which tbh is silly anyway, Id just come out and say it - but even if you do get him to buy or wear new clothes, how long to you think that will last? Until the new set of clothes are worn and tattered. Someone with that attitude to personal grooming doesnt change overnight - he is probably never going to be that interested in his appearance.

Pa Dee

boyfriendclothes wrote: »

Hi,

I have a trivial issue that has been bugging me since I got together with my boyfriend a few months ago.

He's an amazing guy, treats me so well and the chemistry is great, but he really makes no effort with his appearance at all. It's like this total disinterest when it comes to his wardrobe, which basically consists of five or six t shirts that he's been wearing for the past 4 or 5 years and a few pairs of old jeans. He hasn't been properly shopping in about five years and has told me that he hates hates hates it.

I know this sounds shallow as hell, but I think it's naive to think that your appearance is something that people don't judge you on and it's definitely playing into my attraction for him. My heart just drops everytime we go out and I've made a big effort to look nice for him and he's wearing one of his old t shirts and jeans again and looks like he can't be bothered. We could be going out for dinner in a fancy restaurant or to a club with a group of friends and it's just the same.

I'm no fashionista but I make a big effort with my wardrobe, hair and makeup, I work in a professional job and understand the importance of doing so. I'm attractive and always turn myself out well.

I should stress we're both living abroad, he's been busy paying off loans for the last few years and will be leaving to go back to Ireland soon so saving for that as he expects finding work will be a struggle.

Just don't know how to approach it without coming off as a shallow b1tch or injuring his pride or something. I'm crazy about him but never dated someone who cared so little about their appearance before and I feel like it could really affect our relationship if I let it fester.

Any advice on how to handle?

Don't bug him about it or he will (rightly) drop you

dafunk

boyfriendclothes wrote: »

Hi,

I have a trivial issue that has been bugging me since I got together with my boyfriend a few months ago.

He's an amazing guy, treats me so well and the chemistry is great, but he really makes no effort with his appearance at all. It's like this total disinterest when it comes to his wardrobe, which basically consists of five or six t shirts that he's been wearing for the past 4 or 5 years and a few pairs of old jeans. He hasn't been properly shopping in about five years and has told me that he hates hates hates it.

I know this sounds shallow as hell, but I think it's naive to think that your appearance is something that people don't judge you on and it's definitely playing into my attraction for him. My heart just drops everytime we go out and I've made a big effort to look nice for him and he's wearing one of his old t shirts and jeans again and looks like he can't be bothered. We could be going out for dinner in a fancy restaurant or to a club with a group of friends and it's just the same.

I'm no fashionista but I make a big effort with my wardrobe, hair and makeup, I work in a professional job and understand the importance of doing so. I'm attractive and always turn myself out well.

I should stress we're both living abroad, he's been busy paying off loans for the last few years and will be leaving to go back to Ireland soon so saving for that as he expects finding work will be a struggle.

Just don't know how to approach it without coming off as a shallow b1tch or injuring his pride or something. I'm crazy about him but never dated someone who cared so little about their appearance before and I feel like it could really affect our relationship if I let it fester.

Any advice on how to handle?

Yes, this is trivial and in my mind completely shallow.

Do NOT ask him to change how he dresses. If he has a single ounce of self respect he would walk away if you did.

How would you feel if he came home one day, laden with shopping bags, and said he found your "professional" look unattractive and he'd bought some new things for your wardrobe that he's rather see you wear?

openup

I dunno, Op. I think I have to agree with the others; if you're not attracted to him the n there's not much you can do. I wouldn't necessarily think you're shallow as I believe physical attraction is paramount in a relationship and I always judge men on their sense of dress.

However, I'm a really casual dresser myself. I do realize that there are certain place and occasions when more formal dress is expected, so yeah, I'd throw on a dress and a little make-up but I certainly wouldn't be overly bothered. And if a boyfriend ever gave me a gift of high-heels or fake tan I certainly wouldn't be impressed.

I'd hate to see someone throw away a relationship over something so trivial but you are supposed to like him for who he is and if you can't get over it, it may be time to move on.

tbh

it'd be interesting to know whether the way he looks is a conscious thing for him, or whether he's like that because he just couldn't be arsed shopping.

If it's the former, then you'll have to either learn to live with it, or move on. If it's the latter, then just buy him some new clothes

Jason Todd

If it really bothers you, then you should buy him a shirt, maybe a pants and shoes, but don't push him to wear them. Just gently remind him if there is an event coming up that it would be a good time to try out his new gear. If he likes them then that will open him to wearing more new stuff.

If he doesn't, then it might be time to have a conversation to find out whether he cares for fashion or not, or maybe it's just that he doesn't see spending money on clothes as a priority at the moment.

LegacyUser

Sounds like you may live in my country where people dress up and not only for special occasions either. I remember never leaving the house without my hair and make-up done trodding along with the latest fashion going to the corner store! When I left to live abroad I began to think how ridiculous it was. I realised I was afraid of what others would think of me, if I ever left the house in an old pair of jeans to go around the corner to buy milk! This was when I began to realise how judgemental and stuck up some can be when it's about outer appearances. Please don't take this the wrong way, as I am speaking from personal experience and observation. It's nice people care about their appearance to an extent but you do it for you and yourself because the moment you expect others to do it for you or you are doing it more for show you will come across as shallow or conforming to others or trying to change the other person. From reading your post, it sounds you are more concerned what others think about how he dresses. You make mention how he sticks out when you are together. If he is confident and comfortable with his appearance I don't really see the issue here and it does not matter what others think about his attire. I married a casual dresser who prefers to wear the t-shirt and jeans. I am attracted to him because of the fact that he is confident and comfortable in his own skin. Not with the clothing choices he makes or conforming to others' styles and fashion. There are nice t-shirts and jeans out there too

The only issue I can see in all of this is if your boyfriend's clothes have stains, holes and falling apart then I would suggest speaking to him about that. Maybe he is more concerned with paying off his debt than purchasing a new wardrobe? If you would like to buy him new stuff buy him the things that he would wear. Don't be running off getting him an entirely different wardrobe purposely changing his style. I would think that is presumptious because it would look as if you are trying to mold him into being something he is not. I think from the sounds of it your boyfriend is just a casual dresser. Not every guy is into the trendy, classy, sporty, vintage whatever look you are into. People all have their individual styles, personalities and tastes. I am inclined to think your boyfriend has common sense to dress up for weddings or other formal engagements. I don't see the way he dresses to be an issue on a night out for dinner unless you plan on eating at the Ritz Carlton or Tiffany's. If your boyfriend's clothes are neat and tidy and he is clean I don't see an issue. But if you still do, than maybe he is not for you?

Piliger

Hi OP.

I think you are absolutely right to be concerned and upset.

This is all about respect. And this guy is showing no respect for you or for himself in how he is dressing. Whether this is conscious or unconscious is neither here nor there.

I think that you are making a mistake with hints Us guys generally don't get hints. We need to be told straight out.

In my view you need to take him aside and point out how men dress when they take a lady out. You need to point out how YOU dress for him. And you need to tell him directly that you are hurt and embarrassed by how he dresses. The no point in gilding the lilly OP. Tell him straight out. He's old enough to have learned this by now or to have worked it out by himself.

All the best.

Honey-ec

ibarelycare wrote: »

Sorry OP but you sound incredibly shallow.

No she doesn't. Part of being a functioning adult is accepting that there are differing dress codes required for different aspects of life. Her boyfriend sounds like he's still stuck in sulky student mode.

Would you turn up to a job interview in a scruffy t-shirt and jeans? No. Why? Because, like it or not, we're judged on our appearance day in, day out. What we wear and how we present ourselves overall has a huge bearing on how we're perceived by others and ignoring that in some kind of attempt to be right-on or to stick it to "the man" is, quite simply, cutting ones nose off to spite one's face.

Piliger

Honey-ec wrote: »

No she doesn't. Part of being a functioning adult is accepting that there are differing dress codes required for different aspects of life. Her boyfriend sounds like he's still stuck in sulky student mode.

Would you turn up to a job interview in a scruffy t-shirt and jeans? No. Why? Because, like it or not, we're judged on our appearance day in, day out. What we wear and how we present ourselves overall has a huge bearing on how we're perceived by others and ignoring that in some kind of attempt to be right-on or to stick it to "the man" is, quite simply, cutting ones nose off to spite one's face.

Absolutely right. If a lady turned up to a date with me in a T shirt and scruffy jeans I would be seriously pissed - and if it happened twice I'd move on fast enough to make her head spin. Clothes are critically important in how we communicate with others and how we reflect our respect for others AND ourselves.

username123

Piliger wrote: »

Absolutely right. If a lady turned up to a date with me in a T shirt and scruffy jeans I would be seriously pissed - and if it happened twice I'd move on fast enough to make her head spin. Clothes are critically important in how we communicate with others and how we reflect our respect for others AND ourselves.

+1

Personal grooming is an important adult behaviour.

ibarelycare

Honey-ec wrote: »

No she doesn't. Part of being a functioning adult is accepting that there are differing dress codes required for different aspects of life. Her boyfriend sounds like he's still stuck in sulky student mode.

Would you turn up to a job interview in a scruffy t-shirt and jeans? No. Why? Because, like it or not, we're judged on our appearance day in, day out. What we wear and how we present ourselves overall has a huge bearing on how we're perceived by others and ignoring that in some kind of attempt to be right-on or to stick it to "the man" is, quite simply, cutting ones nose off to spite one's face.

But he's not going to an interview? The OP is talking about how he dresses in his every day life. There are plenty of people who wear what other people would consider to be "scruffy-looking" clothes. I don't see how that's showing a lack of respect, as Pilliger said. Perhaps that's just what that person likes wearing. What's the problem with that? He's an adult and he's perfectly entitled to dress however he chooses. If the OP doesn't like it, that's her problem, it's NOT the boyfriend's problem.

Katgurl

I don't think this is a big deal at all & I am sort of baffled at the criticism being levelled at the OP. Nearly every bloke I know gets 'dressed' by his girlfriend at some stage in his life, its so subtle that the guy doesn't really notice. There is a running joke between my friends and I when one of us comments that we ran into a bloke we haven't seen for ages and he looks great that we say "oh hi... I see you have a new girlfriend..."

Nearly every item in my brother's wardrobe has been bought by his wife / mother / sisters as christmas or birthday presents. We are more interested in clothes & appearance, he hates shopping & doesn't give a damn about clothes so what's the problem?

OP I'd say your bf just hasn't given it any thought. Instead of making an issue which might embarrass him, try a subtle approach - buy him a nice shirt and next time you're going for dinner suggest he wear it with a decent pair jeans? If however he refuses then its not simply lack of consciousness, it means he likes how he dresses so you are either going to have to accept him scruffy clothes & all or else move on to someone who suits you better.

P. Breathnach

ibarelycare wrote: »

... If the OP doesn't like it, that's her problem, it's NOT the boyfriend's problem.

That's the fault-line in this discussion.

I take the position that a successful relationship involves a shared approach to things, and if something is a problem to OP, then it is also a problem for her boyfriend. Neither party needs to win outright: but each should accommodate the other's preferences.

In some circumstances, my OH influences the way I dress - generally looking for me to be a bit more formal. I also influence how she dresses on other occasions - generally suggesting that she be a bit more informal. It's not difficult.

LegacyUser

I expected this would be quite divisive.

First of all, I'm not a shallow person. I could never be attracted to somebody just because they dress well. I fell for my boyfriend because he's the kindest, most genuine, caring and funny guy I've met in a long time, I'm very much physically attracted to him and I think the world of him.

But clothes and personal grooming are important; anyone who doesn't agree is living in denial. I get treated differently according to how I am dressed and I clocked this a long time ago; first impressions tend to be based on this stuff and I hate the thought that people could be treating my boyfriend with a lower level of respect because he just can't be aRsed putting on a nice shirt and good pair of jeans.

I also can't escape the feeling of disappointment when I'd spend so long making sure I look pretty for him, I used to buy new tops etc for our dates when we'd just started going out, get a blowdry, do my nails etc...I fancied the ass off him and wanted to impress him...and then he'd stroll up looking like he's just rolled out of bed. I know him and clothes aren't a priority, I know I mean the world to him but making that same effort just isn't on his radar and coming from my perspective, it's hard to not construe that as a lack of respect or somehting.

I dont know. I dont WANT to change him, that's why I posted here for advice. I've never been that way with boyfriends, I'm not a bossy type of girlfriend in relationships, I'm really easy going and I don't think it's fair to expect him to be something that he's not etc etc...just a bit of effort like, a nice shirt, some decent trousers or something? I just don't understand the lack of effort because I've never really encountered it before.

Curry Addict

boyfriendclothes wrote: »

But clothes and personal grooming are important; anyone who doesn't agree is living in denial. I get treated differently according to how I am dressed and I clocked this a long time ago; first impressions tend to be based on this stuff and I hate the thought that people could be treating my boyfriend with a lower level of respect because he just can't be aRsed putting on a nice shirt and good pair of jeans.

i feel compelled to say that this is a narrow minded perspective.
its likely that you boyfriend twigged a long time ago that his self worth is is not related to his self presentation.
one of the oldest adages "dont judge a book by its cover"

Piliger

boyfriendclothes wrote: »

I dont know. I dont WANT to change him, that's why I posted here for advice. I've never been that way with boyfriends, I'm not a bossy type of girlfriend in relationships, I'm really easy going and I don't think it's fair to expect him to be something that he's not etc etc...just a bit of effort like, a nice shirt, some decent trousers or something? I just don't understand the lack of effort because I've never really encountered it before.

You seem like a very decent and fair minded girl. But this is not about changing him. This is about him respecting you and showing that he cares about you by making an effort.

You need to stop rationalising and making excuses for him. Whether he is a lovely guy or not it makes no different. YOU care about something and he won't adjust.

I have rarely ever encountered wither. How we dress is such a core human nature part of our everyday behaviour. People who dress like slobs have no respect for other people or themselves. They scream that they don't care about what you think or fee.

You deserve so much better OP.

ihsb

I like to dress nice, look nice and attractive to my boyfriend and basically make an effort. I don't think that it is shallow to expect the same back.

My boyfriend dresses in a way that I think is messy most of the time, I have accepted that because when we are going to do something that matters to me, he will dress nicely and in a way that he knows will make him attractive to me.

Now obviously I don't ALWAYS dress for him and him for me, but I figure it is about giving and taking and if this bothers you then he should make an effort.

Why don't you start by buying him something that you would like to see him in as a bit of a pressie? Explain how you feel. And see what happens.

Rocket19

I don't think you're being shallow at all!

I can't believe people are saying you are! It's not like you're saying "oh, my boyfriend only wears cheap clothes" or you're complaining he doesn't dress in D&G or something.
It would piss me off if the guy made no effort. As you said, you're not expecting him to come out looking like a topman mannequin.

It's a hard subject though, because obviously if he's dressed this way for quite some time, it's obvious that he's just not interested in clothes (dressing up), and is unlikely to change.
It is possible that he just doesn't have a clue, though. You should suggest going shopping together, and encourage him to to try things he wouldn't usually pick up. Reassure him that it looks good, and he may just try something new. I'm not saying "change him" or get him to wear stuff he genuinely doesn't like, but it's very possible that he just hasn't been bothered going shopping/picking out nice clothes. Like a lot of guys, he'd probably wear it if it was in his wardrobe!

ian87

I am/was that guy.. I was stuck in a rut of wearing the same clothes day in/day out. Jeans and a brand label polo shirt.. I've 17 of the same top in diff colours. My gf pointed out that she was bored of seeing me in the same clothes everyday. She said that it's nothing to do with me but more an issue of seeing me looking well, and seeing me in a more varied outfit.. I have to admit if she wore the same things all the time it would bore me too.. Part of the variety in a relationship is seeing eachother in new things.. I love it when my girlfriend wears a new top I think she looks sexy in etc.. It should work both ways.. OP you need to make yourself heard... Stress it's not him, but you want to see him in a new light very so often to keep things fresh and new.. If he doesn't like shopping, tell him to suck it up or you just do the shopping for him and find clothes you like and things he will be comfortable in..

desertcircus

If he plans to return to Ireland and look for a job, he needs a pair of shoes, at least one pair of trousers, and a couple of shirts for interviews. You're not being shallow; different situations require different clothes. If he's in an industry where dressing casual is OK, though, he may not be too used to that, as he can spend pretty much all his time in casual gear.

Buy him something, but start small. H&M make good, cheap slim fit shirts; buy him one in a colour he'll like for a Saturday night and see how he responds.

Buncha Fives

I dont think its too much to expect your BF to make an effort with his clothes...ok money might be tight but you can buy nice clothes with a small amount of money if you are smart. As a relationship evolves I think things like clothes etc. become more of an issue where as in the beginning its more about personality etc. and the smaller things like clothes are not so much an issue.

The fact that he isnt making an effort must be the most annoying part...if he was making an effort but you just didnt like his style well then it would be a different story but the fact that he dresses poorly and makes no effort what so ever would be frustrating, a person can look so much more attractive if they dress well.

From a personal experience it would often be said that I have a good dress sense (dont mean it in a vain type of way) I would dress smart and wouldnt really be into t-shirts etc. because they dont suit my build. I went out with a girl for a while and after a few months she started bugging me about my dress sense and that she didnt like my style... I found this really annoying as I always made a big effort with my appearance, infact in the end it annoyed me so much that we broke up over it.

Its only my opinion but I think that effort should be mandatory where as style should be optional.