Ashamed of my past

LegacyUser

Hi. I wrote this out of desperation and to see am i been right to hate myself for all this.
I’m a male in early thirties who suffered from depression most of my life.i am receiving treatment again and on medication. In school i was bullied and was bit of a loner.I wasn’t seen as attractive or popular by girls. Which lead me to have very low self esteem as a teenager. While every other average teenager was out going to discos i would be sitting in watching tv feeling sorry for myself struggling with depression.

In my early twenties i fell into further depression. I wanted to be loved and accepted .something that i did not really feel growing up.Out of desperation i turned to the internet for company i started using chat rooms/social sites to talk to people.
I spoke to people of all ages. young and old. Some local some from abroad. Some which I’m ashamed to admit some where only seventeen and still in school whilst i was out working making a wage.i had intimate sexual relationships with some of these people used to meet.

i guess when i look back on it.i feel like an idiot or some loser or some “dirty perv” about it all.Yes i know it was legal and consensual but still im sure it was not natural i think.i know it was in my past and nothing can be changed about it. But sometimes i get hung up about it.i did not like lead on people or pretended to be someone i wasn’t .I was always honest about my age and appearance .swapped numbers with most of people i met and met them in person at times.im sorry if this post makes no sense.i am an totally different person now than i was back then.Looking back i can't explain why i acted like this.
i guess i ask. should i hate myself for all this?.

Big Bag of Chips

I don't know if you should hate yourself. Very few of us get through life without having some regrets. The thing to do is accept that you did things you're not proud of, and to move on.

You feel that morally you have done some wrongs, but others wouldn't even bat an eye if they did similar. It's all subjective. You're not happy. You can't change it, but you can vow to not go back there.

Get yourself to a place where you actually like yourself, and you will be better able to accept who you were back then. You don't say how old you are now, but as we move past our 20s and into our 30s and 40s we become more comfortable in our own skin, and impressing others and "fitting in" becomes less important. Our 20s are just an extension of the horrible teen years for many - Horribly selfconscious and wanting to find a place in the pack.

You are working on yourself - you have an idea of where you want to get to, and the type of person you want to be. It's going to take work - it's not just going to magically happen for you.. but take the pressure of yourself. There is no rush - if you rush yourself to "get better" then it's not a true 'recovery' (for want of a better word).

Take care - and take your time.

Kimia

I would also add that, OP, you did the best you could at the time. You were lonely, that's all. That's nothing to be ashamed of. You made decisions based on how you were feeling back then. It appears that you wouldn't make the same decisions in your current life, but that's ok. There's no sense in trying to rewrite or regret history because you can do nothing to change it. Your past will only help you grow and learn how to deal with situations in the future, but at the end of the day, we'll all just working with what we've got, right now, in the present. Don't be too hard on yourself.

LegacyUser

Hi op again.im 30 by the way. Thank you for your words. Yes i think i was lonely back then. But i think also that period of time i just went stark raving mad. What fills me of shame is like as said some where in school etc and doing their leaving and here I was at 22-23 talking to them on social sites. even though they where 17 and its all legal i just think when i did sexting etc looking back on it i feel like an dirty old bstard.

At same time i was working and drinking heavily at weekends and not having a care in the world. Back then because i said to myself i would not be around to live for long.
I look at other parts of my life.i look at when people talk about nice places and events they went too missed out on that was a good son. The well behaved sort.i feel like i wasted my life away feel like i have no place in it.i think at times nobody would really care about me.
Im sorry if this post comes across as shocking but it’s written brutally honest.