Ex girlfriend addicted to online dating site

gary.12

Im not sure if this is the right place but I'll give it a go anyway, thanks in advance for reading

My ex girlfriend and I were going out with each other for about a couple of years. She was going through a lot of problems for a while with her teeth, constant pain with no sign of anything getting better but she also suffered from a very bad childhood where both parents were alcoholics and eventually seperated. A few months back she started taking antidepressants and i started noticing a change in her personality, its hard to specify what changed but she started becoming more cold and distant.

She said she needed more time to herself, so we could only see each other once or twice a week, i was fine with this but i did find it a bit strange as she had always wanted to spend as much time as possible together. Anyway to get to the point, she had joined an internet dating website and had been meeting up with guys behind my back. Once i found out i had a talk with her, stating that i would be willing to stay with her if she quit the dating site and worked through it together. But she choose to stay on the site and she became addicted to the website. She would spend nearly all of the day on the site. We stayed 'friends' for the past month or two.

Earlier on today i got a hold of her phone while she was asleep, curiosity got the better of me( we had been at a wedding as friends). But what i saw shocked me, she had text messages from a least a dozen guys, organising meet ups for sex, in cars, hotels, anywhere. One guy had sent her a text seeing if she was up for meeting for a threesome with him and his friend. She would be sending guys pictures of her naked, close ups of body parts etc. She also had the dating site app so i got to see some of her messages on that aswell. She would be messaging every guy, even profiles with no pictures. She would also be texting girls, saying to one girl that she was bi, and also that she had planned on going to another city to a hotel with some guy next friday night for kinky sex( handcuffs etc). She had been quiet enough in the bedroom with me, a small bit adventurous but nowhere near this level.

Now i have put aside my own feelings as she clearly needs help, she was a lovely girl, very respectful, caring and i am very worried about something happening to her. She is clearly not right in the head, i think its the antidepressants and also she hadnt been with much guys before me so fair enough if she is just curious about her sexuality but she is going way too far, she is going to meet up with the wrong person one of these times or get pregnant or something. She is also having problems now with college after being an great student all her life, i just see her life is falling apart around her

I have no clue what to do, she dosent have any close friends that she can turn to, her family would be disgusted if she ever told them, she dosent really have anyone to talk to. She goes to counselling but i doubt she is telling her counsellor everything. I plan right now and just trying to be her friend, meet up with her a couple times a week, because all she does is hang around home most days so shes always on the dating site then so if im there for her it might take her mind of everything for a while. I could tell some of her famliy if things get worse so that we could all try and help her but they would be shocked and devasted if they found out.

I am truely lost in what to do, hopefully someone might have gone through something similar or be able to give me some advise. I really think the medication is clouding her mind and maybe she would be better off without it. Thanks

Hardonraging

Is she your Ex Gf ? or your GF ?

If she's your Ex, then as a friend, you could discuss it with her, however she may well be aware of what she is doing !

If she's your current GF, then fair play for sticking with her, it's possibly medication related, mixed with depression.

Best bet, sit her down and have a frank conversation about what's going on, no raised voices, or judgement ! if possible suggest therapy

gary.12

Ex gf now but im still very concerned about her. I have spoke to her about this, she just dosent seem to care what shes doing. Its only worse shes going to get so and i feel like im the only person that can help her

ShaShaBear

gary.12 wrote: »

Ex gf now but im still very concerned about her. I have spoke to her about this, she just dosent seem to care what shes doing. Its only worse shes going to get so and i feel like im the only person that can help her

Had an ex, identical. Ended up having to cut all contact. I know its ten times scarier because she is a woman and far more vunerable, but anything, and I mean anything you try to do to protect her is going to push her further away. She could try to spite you, involve you, and end up hating you. Best you can do if you insist on being her friend and helping her is to just be there when it backfires, either you will have enough or she will.

It's harsh, but it would take a serious amount of medication to make her forget how dangerous meeting multiple strangers off the internet for sex is. If she knows what she is doing, that's the best you're going to get.

gary.12

Thanks for the advice. I say the best thing to do for now is try to be her friend rather than cutting her out completely. Ill see over the next couple of weeks how it plays out

seefin

gary.12 wrote: »

Ex gf now but im still very concerned about her. I have spoke to her about this, she just dosent seem to care what shes doing. Its only worse shes going to get so and i feel like im the only person that can help her

person that can help her[/Quote]
Could she have a sex addiction? An ex of mine, who at various stages was addicted to gambling etc became addicted to sex for about 8 months and similar behaviour to your ex. We split up over it but I helped him to get help and get out of it-he hated himself etc but couldn't stop. Read up on it and talk to her but if she isn't ready to quit , there isn't much you can do. I used to talk to my ex in a pretty non judgmental way about why he was doing it.he said it helped him to see how abnormal his behaviour was, even for that hour and helped him keep a handle on reality.he said it was a twilight world.I had to be pretty strong though as sometimes killed me having to talk about him being with other women.
When he stopped the sex addiction he switched to gambling and while doing well now, I wouldn't trust him again as he has always had a tendency towards addictive and destructive behaviours. Like you girlfriend he came from a very dysfunctional family,physical and sexual abuse.
Talk to your ex in non confrontational way and hopefully she will want to get help in time.

Joshua J

Dude you totally invaded her privacy and dont seem too bothered about it, just brushing it off as curiosity. That's a serious no no in my book.

gary.12

seefin wrote: »

person that can help her

Could she have a sex addiction? An ex of mine, who at various stages was addicted to gambling etc became addicted to sex for about 8 months and similar behaviour to your ex. We split up over it but I helped him to get help and get out of it-he hated himself etc but couldn't stop. Read up on it and talk to her but if she isn't ready to quit , there isn't much you can do. I used to talk to my ex in a pretty non judgmental way about why he was doing it.he said it helped him to see how abnormal his behaviour was, even for that hour and helped him keep a handle on reality.he said it was a twilight world.I had to be pretty strong though as sometimes killed me having to talk about him being with other women.
When he stopped the sex addiction he switched to gambling and while doing well now, I wouldn't trust him again as he has always had a tendency towards addictive and destructive behaviours. Like you girlfriend he came from a very dysfunctional family,physical and sexual abuse.
Talk to your ex in non confrontational way and hopefully she will want to get help in time.[/QUOTE]

Thanks a mill!

Piliger

OP - I think you just stick to her as a friend.

I don't see anything major worthy of intervention. She is experimenting sexually and if that is her choice it is hardly grounds for a major worry-fest. It may not be your thing or my thing but it takes all kinds.

Just stay close and let her know that she is also taking health risks even though she may consider it a game. Otherwise leave her be to experiment.

Gooner111

Hey OP

Her behaviour might be frightening for you but honestly what she does with herself in her life / in the bedroom isn't your business. I don't know much about anti depressents but my guess is that while she wasn't all that adventurous with you it didn't mean she hasn't had these idea's in her already - could be wrong. Everyone has their own tastes and some much more extreme than others. In the end she could end up regretting it or she could love it and do it for the rest of her life. But its her life to lead and she has to make her own decisions. You are not responsible for her actions.

Personally I would be more concerned about yourself rather than trying to be there for her. Your too involved with your ex. Start going out with friends more and move on with your own life which I don't see happening while your worrying about her. I suggest go no contact and concentrate on yourself.

Payton

She's an ex for a reason. You invaded her privacy by going through her phone. I can only assume she's an adult, what she does in her personal life is none of your business. Move on.