In love with a friend but it's complicated

LegacyUser

Where do I start I've this friend whom I know for years. We meet through mutual friends about seven or eight years ago and we got on great since. I've always had feelings for him from initially just thinking he was easy on the eye to being a great person to chat to, to imagining how we would get on if we ever took the friendship further. We never found ourselves in those kind of situations though as either of us both seemed to be in relationships at various stages through our friendship.

As it stands we are both in relationships now that's where the complications come in. I'm with my boyfriend six years and he, my friend is getting married soon to his partner. This sounds devious but I feel like my head is going to explode from all these emotions that are going on in my head when i think about him. The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone. Every time I see my friend I get butterflies I look forward to when we get to spend time together if only for a coffee I just feel so at ease with him and can tell him anything. I feel like im just on a totally different level when I'm with him. These feeling have got progressively worse over the years and I just craved time alone with him. I have recently hinted to him that if life had lead us down different paths we could have been together. He agreed with it both I could tell we were both uneasy with it as we know we would hurt to my people.

Its because of this ive decided to leave ireland and I've recently got a new job in England. Myself and my boyfriend will stay together for the time being cause I do love him and he is a good man. But I just don't feel the same around him as I do my friend. We have never so much as kissed passionately but when I'm near him or he hugs me my heart skips a beat. I'm very upset about this I'm not a cheater and I don't want to hurt anyone. I just feel like I'm drowning and can't breath because I can't be with this man. What would you do

Ellsbells

Watch 'my best friends wedding' and realise he has made a choice and that no good comes of interfering...

The main issue is your own relationship and you should not be wasting your bf's time if you feel like this about another man.

Piliger

Hi OP.

You are not unusual in having these feelings.

The trouble is he is making his choice now and you chose not to make your feelings clear. This is why I always say to people who come here for advice that they MUST tell the person they fancy how they feel. Life is too short to have awful regrets - as in your case. LIfe is too short to worry about what people might think ... or looking 'desparate'.

So, unless you have an opportunity to tell him EXACTLY how you feel now, before the run up to his wedding, I think you have to accept that life is not only about love ... it is about choices. And in order to have happy lives we really need to let things go that don't work out.

We have all carried some pain about the one that got away ... and time is the only healer.

Throw yourself into your current relationship and give it your all. Letting go your regrets will make you happier and a better companion.

best of luck.

Jame Gumb

You should put it on the line and tell him.

If he tells you that he doesn't feel the same, you've closure and can move on with no regrets.

If he tells you that he does feel the same, well then you know.

jessiejam

If you feel that strongly I would tell him how you feel. You do unfortunately risk loosing the friendship though. If your ok with this then go for it.
I would let your current relationship go though, judging from your post if your friend wanted you, you would jump at the chance.
It won't hurt to tell him and at least you will know the choice he makes will be final.

Piliger

There are millions of people living very happily with their second choice mate. It's a normal everyday part of life. I think you should stick with your current guy unless a door is opened.

Gooner111

Piliger wrote: »

There are millions of people living very happily with their second choice mate. It's a normal everyday part of life. I think you should stick with your current guy unless a door is opened.

For me this advice seems a little heartless but I mostly agree with it. Lots of people settle for someone they can live happily with and both they and their partner live good happy lives. However, I doubt lots of them are in contact/pining over a friend they are in love with.

Unless a door is opened... ouch for her bf.... but if you want to open that door then leave your bf and tell your friend that you are available and he would be top of your list. Yes people will be hurt but that is part of life and you need to put yourself first in your life. Don't go down the affair route... if he wants you too then he leaves his partner. Then you two can start afresh.

LegacyUser

Op here thanks for all the kind replies I've taken them all on board. Sorry I haven't posted here for a bit but I've spent the last day in a haze. I've spoken to my friend I told him how I feel. I just rang him and asked to meet which he did. When we met up I hugged him and just started balling crying. He kept asking me what's wrong then I just " I love you". When I said it he just held my hand really tightly and said why wait till now to say this. I apologised and just explained what I had just said. I told him I've always felt strongly for him and because of the fact I'm moving I had to tell him. For the first time in eight years he held me close and we kissed passionately and stated he felt the same. He said he loved me too and we just starred at each other. We spent an hour just trying to suppress our emotions and we left, went our separate ways both wondering what had happened. For the next day we both just text each other none stop, the thing is I'm sure he doesn't feel the same as me. If he would have me I would drop absolutely everything for the man I'd be happy anywhere in the world once I had him to be with. We have both decided to ease off with the contact for a few days and try and meet to discuss things. Im so afraid that when we do meet he won't want the same as me. I just feel like I've one life and if I spend it with this man it will be complete . With the thoughts of him in my life I feel like I can take on any obstacle life throws at me. My mind is on overdrive and my stomach is in knots. I've decided to end my relationship with my boyfriend I just don't feel the same about him as I do about my friend and I couldn't possibly be with him when all I can think about is my friend. I'm so worried I can't sleep hence why I'm writing this at half five in the morning. God I wish life was easier.

Gooner111

Its good that your letting your bf go. Hopefully he will do well for himself in the future. Whatever your friends decision is at least you won't have regrets of having said nothing. Good luck

Ellsbells

I don't know what to say other than I really hope he doesn't marry this girl (for her sake) after cheating on her so badly. Such a betrayal of trust while engaged and then women on here get lambasted for not trusting their oh's female friends.

Don't use moving as an excuse, whets accelerated this is that he is getting married and you want to ruin that. Call a spade a spade...

What the pair of ye did was appalling. It's bad enough kissing but then sneaking texting all the following day. At least you are going to finish with your oh. I hope your 'friend' has the balls to do the same and free the girl to meet someone who won't cheat on her.

Mighty_Mouse

I just feel like I've one life

Remember this.
It was very brave to put everything on the line.
Even if he marries this other girl, you can take some solace knowing that at least you tried.
You will get through this & one way or another be able to move on because you will do so without regrets.

Ps.
I would hold off ending it with you BF immediately.
Give it a couple of weeks until the emotions have died down and do so from a calm considered state.

Podgers

Ellsbells wrote: »

I don't know what to say other than I really hope he doesn't marry this girl (for her sake) after cheating on her so badly. Such a betrayal of trust while engaged and then women on here get lambasted for not trusting their oh's female friends.

Don't use moving as an excuse, whets accelerated this is that he is getting married and you want to ruin that. Call a spade a spade...

What the pair of ye did was appalling. It's bad enough kissing but then sneaking texting all the following day. At least you are going to finish with your oh. I hope your 'friend' has the balls to do the same and free the girl to meet someone who won't cheat on her.

Yes i hope he doesn't marry this girl either but i don't think what they did was appalling.

it was His decision to passionately kiss her and send text etc, if he really loved his wife to be he wouldn't have done that. as far as i can see the OP has done her a favour!

This time last year i was in a similar position as her friends fiancée. Even though it was hard to take at the time, but im glad it happened. there's no point in continuing pretending all is hunky dory and a ring and time will sort it, if two people want to be with each other there's nothing anyone can do about it.

The OP did the right thing, she had feelings for someone else and broke up with her boyfriend, that's the noble thing to do. And then she went to her friend and told him how she felt.

the ball is in his court now, we know he should end his current relationship and then decide what he wants to do.

nothing ventured nothing gained, if she never expressed her feelings she would never know and there's no point living with regrets.

It would be a lot worse for this to happen a few years down the road were he would be married and have a few kids.

I wish you the best of luck OP and what will be will be

Ellsbells

Podgers wrote: »

it was His decision to passionately kiss her and send text etc, if he really loved his wife to be he wouldn't have done that. as far as i can see the OP has done her a favour!

I wouldnt be giving her any pats on the back but it is his issue alright that he cheated on his fiancee.

Podgers wrote: »

This time last year i was in a similar position as her friends fiancée. Even though it was hard to take at the time, but im glad it happened. there's no point in continuing pretending all is hunky dory and a ring and time will sort it, if two people want to be with each other there's nothing anyone can do about it.

Absolutely not but it needs to be sorted asap to be anyway fair to all.

Podgers wrote: »

The OP did the right thing, she had feelings for someone else and broke up with her boyfriend, that's the noble thing to do. And then she went to her friend and told him how she felt.

She is still with her bf.

Podgers wrote: »

the ball is in his court now, we know he should end his current relationship and then decide what he wants to do.

But I suspect neither will break up with either partner and an affair will develop. 9 times of out 10 people dont have the courage to change their lives dramatically unless forced into it e.g. being caught.

Podgers wrote: »

It would be a lot worse for this to happen a few years down the road were he would be married and have a few kids.

Absolutely but its still icky and not the way I would want a new relationship to commence i.e. by both people cheating on their partners.

Catari Jaguar

Is it possible your friend just panicked because you're moving away and he feels he'll lose you altogether??

Priori

Ellsbells wrote:

But I suspect neither will break up with either partner and an affair will develop. 9 times of out 10 people dont have the courage to change their lives dramatically unless forced into it e.g. being caught.

I hope you're wrong about this. Maybe the OP will come back and confirm. 9 out of 10 people probably don't post about these kinds of issues on message boards genuinely seeking advice, so maybe give her the benefit of the doubt.

Jame Gumb

Ellsbells wrote: »

I wouldnt be giving her any pats on the back but it is his issue alright that he cheated.

Absolutely but its still icky

This is a serious topic and a serious matter for the OP.

TBH I think that your posts have been ridiculous and unhelpful. Life isn't black and white or about absolutes...it's shades of grey.

I wasnt going to reply to your posts, but then you used the word "icky" which implies that you're about 14 and that you've no business offering your advice on a topic like this.

Well done OP...you've done the right thing. Only time will tell what the result will be, but at least you'll know either way.

Ickle Magoo

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LegacyUser

Hi guys I think I'll get back to ye. I know there is a lot of negative reaction to what I've posted here. Look I know what I'm doing is absolutely horrible but I have to do it. I've tried my best to deal with my feelings by moving to England which is still happening, but I know I needed to speak up or else life there would be full of what ifs and regrets. Now at least if I'm rejected I can try and build something new for myself. I've left a good job here because of this.

Anyway I got guilty and rang him apologising saying I shouldn't have said a thing and although I do not regret it, it was my cross to bear and I should have respected his situation and I suggested we stop contact and I'll let him and the rest of our circle of friends know in a few weeks how I'm getting on. He said "god your mad i wish you had told me years ago I really do". I just said my emotions are all over the place I'm sorry and hung up".

What happened next. He text me. Saying I wish you had told me before I met x I always felt like this I just never wanted to wreck what we had as friends. And from there we continued talking again telling each other what we thought about everything re living old stories, when we picked each other up after relationships, funerals everything, laughs we had.

I'm just so frightened. I'm afraid what will happen if this comes out. So many people will be hurt. Our partners, families, mutal friends our circle of friends. I'd drop everything for him I love him. Nothing more has happened then a kiss. I've broken up with my bf I'm not going to discuss how cause I just can't be with him regardless of what happens. Has anyone ever had this happen them?

Ellsbells

What is he going to do next op? It would be too easy to get dragged into an affair with him but very unhealthy for you.

Piliger

Anno1979 wrote: »

I'm just so frightened. I'm afraid what will happen if this comes out. So many people will be hurt. Our partners, families, mutal friends our circle of friends. I'd drop everything for him I love him. Nothing more has happened then a kiss. I've broken up with my bf I'm not going to discuss how cause I just can't be with him regardless of what happens. Has anyone ever had this happen them?

OP - I believe you did the right thing, and it is a very good thing that it is out in the open between the two of you. I personally think moving to England is not a solution to anything, for anyone. You will feel exactly the same there.

Stay and wait for this to resolve. Stop driving yourself worrying about everyone else !! They are WELL able to deal with whatever happens. What matters, and the only thing that matters is what happens between you and he.

You have poured it all out to him. So now see what he decides to do. This will make a HUGE difference to helping you deal with whatever happens next. If he reassesses his situation and tells you he has made his decision to go ahead and get married, making his choice - then you will be able to draw a lot of comfort in the coming months from knowing that he KNEW. That he made a choice - the best choice for HIM. That there was no secret any more. I know you may not think that is much comfort, but I believe it will be.

If he decides to reassess and calls his wedding off ........ then so be it ... let things unfold and go wherever it takes you !!

Mighty_Mouse

I'm just so frightened. I'm afraid what will happen if this comes out. So many people will be hurt. Our partners, families, mutal friends our circle of friends.

I know this is an awful situation but you are not the 1st.
People leaving fiances, some at the altar for the love of another since the dawn of time. Memories are short, in time it just becomes a story as to how ye met.

littlefriend

I think you did the right thing by telling him. You just have to wait now to see what his decision is. One thing though - DONT get involved further with this unless he finishes with his fiance.
Best of luck.