Keeping it all in out of fear.

LegacyUser

I partly blame this sudden deaths of people i know but maybe that's not completely the reason. Is anyone else like this?

I'm so afraid of falling out (even temporarily) with those close to me because then at same time i'm getting mad at them, i'm thinking, What if something happens to them tonight/tomorrow.. what if they are in car crash.. choke.. drink too much and collapse etc..

Some reasons behind it:


lost a cousin really suddenly few years ago, we werent particularly close, he was older than me but it hit me and my family hard at time. I spent next 6 months terrified that someone was going to die.
If i didnt hear from someone in while, or got call from someone late at night/ not usual time I presumed it was bad news.

then few months ago, my brother and I lost a friend, i wasnt close to him but knew him whereas my brother was good friends with him. and all these feelings have come back again, i'm expecting someone to die.

Was getting angry at friend this week when we went away for 2 nights and he was being very rude at times but couldnt say anything because i thought i dont want my last time with him being us fighting.


Am aware i need help for this (figured this out about an hour ago) so monday i'm sorting something because i cant keep living this way

robman60

I understand how you feel to a degree. When someone dies suddenly (especially someone who hadn't been ill or you didn't expect to die) it really hits you that anyone can go at any time. That's how I felt anyway.

I think these traumatic experiences have brought the vulnerability of each individual into perspective, and that's why you're so fearful of expressing yourself.

Next time you're worried about saying something for fear of confrontation, ask yourself this: Is it better for me to not say something and prolonging whatever problem, or have that brief moment of confrontation and have the issue sorted for ever more. I know I'd pick the second option every time.

I think booking an appointment with a counsellor would be a wise decision as it's clear your past experiences are inhibiting your ability to interact with others.


Good luck.

LegacyUser

booting up this because i seriously need some help.

brother in particular i over worry about .
not that he's ever showed any mental health issues or ever self harmed etc.

If i wasnt living at home (i moved back last year) i wouldnt know what he is at.
but 3 times in the last 3 weeks, i somehow convinced myself he was dead or hurt sick!!

First night he didnt come home (no big deal - normal enough) but was trying to call him.. no answer all day. spent about 5 hours wondering if he was unconsious . so ended up calling 2 of his friends seeing if he was with them. but at same time, didnt make big deal. he's 30, was out drinking.
He was perfectly fine, me over worrying..

Next time was recently.. when tried to call, no answer and checked his work where he was supposed to open and no sign. which is weird cos he's manager. and so for about 5 minutes till someone else got through to him, I had myself convinced he was unconcious/ dead.

Last night.. we went running on beach.. i was behind.. was getting dark .. could see him up ahead.. then saw him at end of beach where i presumed he'd turn back.. but then lost sight of him and stood there thinking he went swimming/ currents got him etc.. started walking over.. still no sign.
then after about 10 minutes could see him on way back so i just turned and siad nothing. he was doing pressups etc.

absolutely ridiculous I know.
he's my older not younger brother. i have other siblings. but as i said if i was away i wouldnt know what he up too.

Dunno what to do as it's not him.
i got a missed call from other family member abroad and convinced myself close family memeber had died and was waiting for him to call me back and confirm it.
no such thing happened.


I need to get past this Automatic fear that come into me..
any ideas?

edellc

I lost my mam recently OP and unfortunately the one thing we are all sure will happen to us is that we die, its a fact of life and no getting out of it.

Your fear of family members or friend will die is due to the people who you have lost around you recently, I have a 2yr old and due to mam dying I am constantly checking on him when he is asleep just in case, I also check my partner regularly when he is asleep and breathing quietly to the point where I wake him up just to check. I dont do this every day or every nite and it has become less frequent as time as gone by. Mam died 14mths ago. Its strange though as I never felt like this when I lost my granddad at 7, nor my aunt at 15 nor my nanny at 19 but I do feel like this with my mam and Im well into my 30's now.

I also worry about my son when he is running around in the park as I see all the dangers and am terrified of loosing him as he is my light that has got me through loosing my mam, but I know this is all part of loosing someone and it will fade in time. If you want you can choose to speak to someone about it, like a councillor but tbh I would speak to your family and your brother about it, and never miss an opportunity to let them know how much you love them.

As for not speaking your mind and afraid of upsetting or arguing with people, you can not go through life like that OP, my one rule in life is to not go to sleep on an argument so even if I disagree with the OH and we have a blazing row over it I make sure it is resolved at some stage in the evening to the point where I can sleep peacefully, its never nice to wake up on a new day with anger and frustration from the night before hanging over you.

You sound young OP and these are natural fears you wouldnt be human if you didnt fear them, but you will have to make peace with it as one day they wont be there physically so try not worry about something that you have no control over and enjoy the time you spend together now, life is short and precious so live it and love the people who you choose to have in it.

Ellsbells

I am the same op after a couple of close sudden deaths. I constantly worry about my baby and parents. Maybe you could think about some form of counselling as it seems to be affecting you daily.

No idea about advice, OP, but just to let you know, I feel the same way. I almost lost my entire family in a car crash when I was 13 and since then, I've been a nervous wreck, always worrying that something awful is going to happen. I lost my granny and a close friend the same week this April and that hasn't helped anything. Especially since my friend was young with no underlying health issues and died very suddenly. It's not healthy and I try not to worry so much but I can't really help it. So you're not alone.

Ellsbells

I would love to know the answer... I always assume bad things will happen because it has happened before. For example, when I was expecting I wanted all the scans in the world to make sure baby was ok and panicked if I didnt feel movement often enough. I have a friend who is now preegnant and she has had a very ahppy life and nothing bad e.g. death of family has happened to her and she is just swinging through her pregnancy without a care in the world. Would love to be like her.

Taltos

OP - please go and talk to your GP or seek help from a bereavement counsellor.
Clearly you need to talk this all through with someone, and as much as we want to help you here I think sitting down with a trained professional would be best.