How to help a friend through a breakup

LegacyUser

I'm a guy, my friend is a guy. He broke up with his girlfriend (of about 3 years) almost a month ago.

He was devastated at the time, and avoided social contact for nearly 2 weeks. I wasn't sure how to help but I met up a few times with him recently, as I thought he would be lonely. We didn't really discuss the breakup as such, I'm not good at talking about feelings so I think I skirted around it.

But he's still not over it, if anything I think he's worse. He texts me a lot to say his head is all over the place, that he wants to ring me to talk. I know he hasn't been sleeping much either, and definitely has been drinking by himself on at least 2/3 occasions (unlike him).

How can I help him? He seems to be confiding in me moreso than his other friends, but I don't actually have experience of a breakup as I've never been in any sort of long-term relationship. Is getting him to talk about it a good idea, what happened, how the breakup occurred - I don't want to upset him by asking, but I don't want him bottling it either, because if he's not telling me, chances are he isn't telling anyone else.

Thanks.

P. Breathnach

TroubledFriend wrote: »

... Is getting him to talk about it a good idea ...

Not exactly. Letting him talk about it is good. Don't ask too many questions; try not to be judgemental of his behaviour or hers, and don't take sides too strongly - for example, if he asks you if you would have felt as he did about something, say you might have rather than you would (or wouldn't) have. His need is to talk about how he feels, not really to explore how you feel about his situation.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the reply. I agree, probing isn't a good idea.

The problem is he doesn't really talk about it. He might mention that his head isn't in a good place, or that he's been having an awful week. He is actually more open by text than he is in person. And the fact that he tells me by text that he's upset, not doing good, all make me feel that I need to do something about it. Apart from tell him that I'm always here for him, and anytime he wants to meet up or talk just to let me know, I don't what to say or do.

He has a brother and a few sisters so maybe he can confide in them. I just think he's very depressed at the moment and I hate seeing him like that. I know breakups are hard, but it's been over a month at this stage and if anything he seems worse - I'm not sure if there is ongoing discussions between him and his ex that are causing the turmoil, or if he's just still shook up.

P. Breathnach

Men can find it difficult to discuss their emotional state with their friends, particularly their male friends.

It might be (I stress "might", because I don't know him) that when he says his head is not in a good place or he has been having an awful week that the subtext is that he needs to talk about things. That's something that he might not recognise himself. If you find the right words, you might make it easy for him to open up. It could be as simple as responding with something general like "life can be a bitch" or it might need something a little more forward like "it's very difficult to get through a break-up". You know him. I am sure that if you think about it, you will be able to judge how wide you should open the door for him.

He's lucky to have a friend who wants to help him through a difficult time.