No ability to provide

LegacyUser

I found out two months ago that I'm going to be a father in 2013. It's great, it has been planned, my wife is healthy. But I fear for my ability to provide.

I have screwed everything up. Took all the easy options in my twenties, head in the sand kind of stuff.

Thought it would all work out OK.

Now I'm 32 with no savings, and working on a short term contract in telesales, I hate it with a passion but will do whatever I need to for the kid.

I could have done anything, now feel like decades of insecurity beckon. No qualifications. Would love to train to do some kind of useful technical skill, but can't afford to take years off work as I will need to support the family.

I'm so scared, I'm crying every day when my wife isn't looking. I really fear for my own mental stability.

kjl

You will be OK, every father in the world has this worry before they have the baby. Hopefully you will take this new drive you have and focus it on raising the child properly. People often forget that family and friends help out a lot at the start with clothes and toys and what not.

I think you are looking at this whole situation, like how am I going to pay for school, college etc. You will have a lot of time to work things out plus you will get some child allowance which should help.

In the mean time, start looking around for better work, or something more permanent.

And good luck and try to stop worrying.

Herrick

anxiousman wrote: »

No qualifications. Would love to train to do some kind of useful technical skill, but can't afford to take years off work as I will need to support the family.

Perhaps you could do some part time and night courses to help build up your CV and still be able to work?

aoshea83

I remember reaching that exact stage of panic, on all three of my kids. While no doubt some women have this moment I reckon it's more common in men.

It's all natural, My missus is booked in to be induced tomorrow at four, our first child together and not planned but extremely welcome, I've gone back to education myself last year and again this September so I'm on social payments myself and it's all worked out.

Yes it's expensive to get all the bits together like cots and prams etc but we put money aside, payed for the pram weekly with Mothercare etc and have been buying small amounts of nappies, barrier creams and wipes weekly, over time these ad up to good store ready for birth.

I found if you look at the overall costs it gets depressingly overwhelming but if you break it down to one item at a time it's manageable, €40 this week, €20 that week and so on, also take into account upcoming seasonal sales and if you buy display models, all this helps.

It is a very worrying time of course but don't panic, you'll get there, try to relax and enjoy this time, you'll look back in seven months and think why did you ever worry in the first place!

This has been my experience anyway, you're not alone in your worries, enjoy the pregnancy and best of luck

okiss

I know several people who have had children in the past few years and not all of them are wealthy. You don't need to buy everything in a baby shop for the baby. People spend a lot of money on baby items and a lot of them are now selling them when the baby outgrows them on donedeal.ie or on deals.ie.
I know several people who got really good baby things for half price or less on these sites. I would find out will your wife be paid by work when she on maternity leave or will she have to apply for the state maternity benefit. If you look up the social welfare website you can find out more information. Also when the baby is born if your income is under a certain amount you may be entitled to family income supplement -fis along with children allowance.
I would start to look for a better job. Take a few days holidays and go to as many recruitment places as possible. Keep looking on all job sites. Tell your family and friends that you are looking for a new job also as they may hear of something for you.
Also when people ask you what to you want for the baby ask for dunnes or tesco gift cards - you can use these to by clothes, nappies ect when on offer. Both shops nearly always have offers on baby nappies, ect.
I know some one with 3 boys and she said the quality of the baby and children's clothes in tesco are very good.
Good Luck with everything.

LegacyUser

Thank you very much to the posters above for their replies. The advice makes a lot of sense, and it's reassuring to know that many people experience similar feelings. I will try to plan and budget for everything as best I can. The most difficult thing is trying to hide my worries from my wife, as she needs to keep her strengths up, and I don't want her to see how much I'm struggling at the moment.

LegacyUser

aoshea83 wrote: »

It's all natural, My missus is booked in to be induced tomorrow at four, our first child together and not planned but extremely welcome, I've gone back to education myself last year and again this September so I'm on social payments myself and it's all worked out.

Best of luck with your new arrival today, and thank you for sharing your experiences.

Ellsbells

anxiousman wrote: »

I'm so scared, I'm crying every day when my wife isn't looking.

Ah you poor divil...

You know what a baby needs??? You!!! He / she needs you in a strong mental health position because they are so dependent on you for care and love for the first few years. baby doesnt need fancy clothes or prams, they need parents who love each other and have each others backs. I think what you are describing is more normal than we think for expectant fathers so dont think you are weak or that its unusual....

I am a new mum and its been hard as baby has been quite sick but my OH is strong (most of the time) and we are getting through it. 90% of the baby stuff is second hand and sure isnt it good enough.... I was lucky that my cousin had a boy 6 months beforehand. All we bought new was bottles, mattresses etc.

Have a look on the maternity websites and you will see a lot of stuff is being sold off for a song or if people ask you what presents you want tell them practical stuff. The best gift I got was a basket of baby stuff made up in Supervalu. I am still, 8 months later using stuff from it. Nappies etc are cheaper and as good in Lidl or Aldi.

Talk to your wife... She will be able to help and dont beat yourself up. Why not go back and study at night??? Anything is possible once you are in the right mindset.

and lastly CONGRATULATIONS !!!!