Do I have reason to be suspicious of my boyfriend...again..

sadnsuspicious

Hi everyone,
I was hoping to get your thoughts and perspectives on my situation, as im beginning to think I am paranoid but yet have many reasons to think so.

I am in my early thirties, and after a couple of long term relationships, including an engagement which I called off, I have been seeing my current boyfriend for about a year and a half now.

It all started off with him chasing and making all the effort, with me not that bothered. One thing led to another and i gave in to start going out with him. The thing is once I showed an interest in him I honestly feel he was less interested and respectful of me.

We have had our ups and downs same as everyone else, but among them there are a few incidents in which I would question his honesty. Turns out one day he lent his jeep to his ex girl friend when he was in work (he works a good distance from me and i would never be in the vacinity of his work except this pure fluke day). I spotted his ex driving his jeep but waited a few days to see would he say oh she stuck etc. This never happened and when i said I met her in the jeep he firstly denied it, then got all hostile about it.To he honest when i saw her in it I followed her and she must have been on the way back to drop it back to him. When she droppped it back he came out of work and spoke to her, but yet he told me she droppped off the keys in reception and the whole thing was done via text (obviously he doesnt know I saw the whole thing)

Also he borrowed my car late one night (approx 11) and was in work next day at 7 am. I collected my car from his work place and later asked him how it was, how he liked it to drive etc. I later found contact lenses in the car which were not mine or his or there until he borrowed the car. Only when i confronted him did he say he gave one of the lads a lift to work that morn - something he never mentioned until he questioned.

Up to then he seemed to be very good at thinking of an excuse on the spot for these things many women would be suspicious of. I had been putting it down to my paronia.

I suppose this latest thing now im about to explain is the third thing and the final one as far as I concerned...but he seems so legit that I cant call it... i dont know if its genuine mistake of if he just as good liar as i thought - he has facebook acount and so do I. Neither of us big users but I still a have a fair idea of how it works. We never bothered being friends on it but I was snooping other day and his name popped up. I just went into his account as i did before to look - its set to private but I could stilll see his walll. Turns out when we going through a bad patch a month ago be became friends with some girl with no pic, a porn star kinda name that I dont want to mention. When I looked at her profile she just had posted as her info "Anyone thats wondering im xxxxxx name from plently of fish dating website" All her friends were male, but the strange thing is she from UK

After a day of it eating me up I said it to him. He pretended to be "oh what?who?I dunno who that is? I must look into it as dont like sound of that blah blah" He later claimed she was a suggestion from some mate who lived in UK now.

All Im wondering is apart from my suspiciouns that he has been on a dating website and met her there (although she ffrom UK which is odd) is it possible that she would have been suggested by a friend, and that he and she accepted the invite without knowing each other i.e. it was HARDLY an accident as he claimed was it? He only has few friends on fb so not like he friends with total randomers. Since I said it he let on to be really shocked and "lost faith in fb" and shut down his profile cos I said he looked like a looser him being friends with her ( firstly from a dating website when we going out and secondly that she looked like an escort with her male only friends)

The weird thing is that he shut down his profile today and now suddenly hers is gone too!! thats whats bugging me

He was such a good liar in the past that I gave him benefit of the doubt but should I on this occassion? Also there is a deposit paid on an engagment ring so although he went through a rough patch which exactly corresponded with him befriending her, I honestly thought I was making a big thing about the previous things....maybe i should have listened to my gut all along that he was a liar instead of my hear saying I love him.

Thanks so much for your thoughts as I am so confused and cant confide in family or friends as if they knew any of this, innocent or not they would want me to have nothing to do with him. Thanks again

LegacyUser

Op I have no idea if this man is cheating on you, however I'm sure if he was having a fling with the ex, he would've at least kissed her when she returned the jeep which he obviously didn't. The fact you're going as far as actually following his ex, stalking his fb page, would suggest that you have absolutely no trust in the guy, which begs the question why on earth you'd want to marry someone you will spend the rest of your life doubting? That's no way to live tbh and continuing such a relationship will cause you nothing but unhappiness, you cannot have a relationship where theres no trust.

shampooman

Regarding facebook I often get random people adding me or I should say attempting to add me as a friend. I just usually accept and wouldn't really take much notice. I have gotten girls that added me from the UK and America, these same people are most likely spam accounts or connected to some porn websites or whatever. These girls usually have amazing profile pictures with mostly male friends. To be honest this could be exactly what happened here, simple little thing. Also the way facebook works one of his friends could have suggested the friendship and he just clicked "confirm" It's a simple thing that happens all the time.Also these bogus accounts seem to disappear pretty quickly for whatever reason but possibly for being reported as spam maybe? She is from the UK so It just be totally odd to be anything else.

I just think facebook is a total relationship wrecker. Things are taken out of context, people are given the wrong ideas and often jump to incorrect conclusions. God knows I have fell for it myself and have been waaaaaaay off. Now I could be wrong and there could be something more but even if there is I seriously doubt it's anything major.

Best of luck with everything

Ellsbells

My big issue here is that he has told you pretty big lies yet you are willing to marry him. Why would you do that if you can't trust him.

It's the lying about the ex having the car and the whole keys at reception thing. Then why would he delete his Facebook account rather than block this person and why would she delete her account. It's extremely fishy. Are you sure her account is deleted and she hasn't just been told to block you.

No one can say for sure that he is a cheat but it's obvious he is a liar. I would not marry a liar.

Idle Passerby

On the face of it it doesn't sound like he's actually done anything wrong. Odd maybe. The worrying thing is that he acts suspicious and tries to cover things up when asked about them. Even if he's completely innocent it makes him seem guilty. It sounds like the two of you are mistrustful of each other.

Stavro Mueller

I can't say definitively that you have reason to be suspicious of your boyfriend. It does look a bit suss but for all any of us knows, there are perfectly innocent explanations for it all. More crucially though, you are suspicious of him and don't sound like you trust him. That in itself is something that you should think about.

Piliger

OP - this all looks like a really kind of crazy obsession you have with trust. What has this guy done ? What has he ACTUALLY done ? told a few fibs ? Where on earth is all of this coming from ?
I think your relationship is build on absolutely no trust whatsoever, and I really feel for this guy, who has no idea that he is being watched and followed and snooped on on a daily basis.
What kind of future can you have together ?

jimmycrackcorm

Ellsbells wrote: »

My big issue here is that he has told you pretty big lies yet you are willing to marry him. Why would you do that if you can't trust him.

It's the lying about the ex having the car and the whole keys at reception thing. Then why would he delete his Facebook account rather than block this person and why would she delete her account. It's extremely fishy. Are you sure her account is deleted and she hasn't just been told to block you.

No one can say for sure that he is a cheat but it's obvious he is a liar. I would not marry a liar.

Perhaps if the op didn't appear to be so paranoid, stalkerish and lacking trust he wouldn't need to feel the need to lie. I suggest the op takes the opportunity to improve the relationship so that he could tell her stuff freely like having lent his Jeep to his ex.

ShaShaBear

True, it sounds mostly like his fibs are more white lies - to simply stop you being the way you are on Boards right now to his face and in his life.
He seems to be trying to placate you, which would suggest he knows what you can be like (which obviously we dont).

Although out of all of them, the Facebook one is by far the silliest. If you had found him sending her filthy sex messages, or talking about a meeting they had, it would make sense. But he added her as a friend?

kjl

Ellsbells wrote: »

My big issue here is that he has told you pretty big lies yet you are willing to marry him. Why would you do that if you can't trust him.

It's the lying about the ex having the car and the whole keys at reception thing. Then why would he delete his Facebook account rather than block this person and why would she delete her account. It's extremely fishy. Are you sure her account is deleted and she hasn't just been told to block you.

No one can say for sure that he is a cheat but it's obvious he is a liar. I would not marry a liar.

Eh what lies, seems to me like he is just not telling her everything like I drove my friend to work etc. She is the one that is exaggerating everything ... no offence OP

ShaShaBear

kjl wrote: »

Eh what lies, seems to me like he is just not telling her everything like I drove my friend to work etc. She is the one that is exaggerating everything ... no offence OP

He lied about giving his ex the jeep, then lied about where she gave the keys back to. He did directly lie about involvement with his ex. But I have a funny feeling from the OPs reactions that he did it in order to placate her.

tricialou

sadnsuspicious wrote: »

Hi everyone,
I was hoping to get your thoughts and perspectives on my situation, as im beginning to think I am paranoid but yet have many reasons to think so.

I am in my early thirties, and after a couple of long term relationships, including an engagement which I called off, I have been seeing my current boyfriend for about a year and a half now.

It all started off with him chasing and making all the effort, with me not that bothered. One thing led to another and i gave in to start going out with him. The thing is once I showed an interest in him I honestly feel he was less interested and respectful of me.

We have had our ups and downs same as everyone else, but among them there are a few incidents in which I would question his honesty. Turns out one day he lent his jeep to his ex girl friend when he was in work (he works a good distance from me and i would never be in the vacinity of his work except this pure fluke day). I spotted his ex driving his jeep but waited a few days to see would he say oh she stuck etc. This never happened and when i said I met her in the jeep he firstly denied it, then got all hostile about it.To he honest when i saw her in it I followed her and she must have been on the way back to drop it back to him. When she droppped it back he came out of work and spoke to her, but yet he told me she droppped off the keys in reception and the whole thing was done via text (obviously he doesnt know I saw the whole thing)

Also he borrowed my car late one night (approx 11) and was in work next day at 7 am. I collected my car from his work place and later asked him how it was, how he liked it to drive etc. I later found contact lenses in the car which were not mine or his or there until he borrowed the car. Only when i confronted him did he say he gave one of the lads a lift to work that morn - something he never mentioned until he questioned.

Up to then he seemed to be very good at thinking of an excuse on the spot for these things many women would be suspicious of. I had been putting it down to my paronia.

I suppose this latest thing now im about to explain is the third thing and the final one as far as I concerned...but he seems so legit that I cant call it... i dont know if its genuine mistake of if he just as good liar as i thought - he has facebook acount and so do I. Neither of us big users but I still a have a fair idea of how it works. We never bothered being friends on it but I was snooping other day and his name popped up. I just went into his account as i did before to look - its set to private but I could stilll see his walll. Turns out when we going through a bad patch a month ago be became friends with some girl with no pic, a porn star kinda name that I dont want to mention. When I looked at her profile she just had posted as her info "Anyone thats wondering im xxxxxx name from plently of fish dating website" All her friends were male, but the strange thing is she from UK

After a day of it eating me up I said it to him. He pretended to be "oh what?who?I dunno who that is? I must look into it as dont like sound of that blah blah" He later claimed she was a suggestion from some mate who lived in UK now.

All Im wondering is apart from my suspiciouns that he has been on a dating website and met her there (although she ffrom UK which is odd) is it possible that she would have been suggested by a friend, and that he and she accepted the invite without knowing each other i.e. it was HARDLY an accident as he claimed was it? He only has few friends on fb so not like he friends with total randomers. Since I said it he let on to be really shocked and "lost faith in fb" and shut down his profile cos I said he looked like a looser him being friends with her ( firstly from a dating website when we going out and secondly that she looked like an escort with her male only friends)

The weird thing is that he shut down his profile today and now suddenly hers is gone too!! thats whats bugging me

He was such a good liar in the past that I gave him benefit of the doubt but should I on this occassion? Also there is a deposit paid on an engagment ring so although he went through a rough patch which exactly corresponded with him befriending her, I honestly thought I was making a big thing about the previous things....maybe i should have listened to my gut all along that he was a liar instead of my hear saying I love him.

Thanks so much for your thoughts as I am so confused and cant confide in family or friends as if they knew any of this, innocent or not they would want me to have nothing to do with him. Thanks again

Oh God! I cant believe some of the other posts said he mightnt be cheating! If not cheating he is still lying and that says alot!
My ex used to get all defensive when I asked him a question and its because he was cheating!! Dump him please or hell drive you crazy! My ex used to lie and then say he lied because I would go mad when in fact I would only go mad because he lied!
I have a new boyfriend now and I am not paranoid at all and completely trusting of him so I now know my gut feelings were right with my ex!
You have a gut feeling so trust it!!

jessiejam

My motto from previous experience is always go with your gut.
I wouldn't think much about the FB sh1te, that stupid site causes more trouble than its worth.
As for the other things, there seems to be contact with the ex, why is that? do they have kids together?
Maybe the car is in both their names for instance?

Other than that it seems to me like he is keeping his options well and truly open. The fact you followed her sends out signals to me that you are quite insecure in this relationship as it is?

On the other hand maybe he's not telling you the whole truth as he is afraid of your reaction and doesn't want to upset you?

Maybe you should call it a day before you make yourself ill with worry.
Whatever you decide, don't let anyone take you for a fool girl. Your worth more than that.

Zoria

I think it's a case that he feels he can't talk to you about exes or contact with women because he knows how you will react. Following him around and FB stalking is out of order. You said yourself that you and he aren't big FB users. He may have deleted his profile because if you were on it coming up with all sorts of ideas and accusations, it may have been more trouble that it was worth having an account. Also, what is wrong with exes staying in touch or remaining friends? I've a feeling that he can't talk to you because of your attitude towards his exes, there is no trust at all. Just reading your post I did not get a picture of a couple ready to get married, the relationship is in trouble so I'd hold off until all of your issues are resolved.

ibarelycare

Shocked at the responses here. To me it definitely sounds like he is or has been cheating. Of course exes can remain friendly, but the boyfriend should be open with the OP about seeing them. It's not like he should tell his girlfriend his every move and who he's with at all times but I think by not mentioning that his ex borrowed his car while probably chatting to his girlfriend about the rest of his day in general, it's a bit shady and cause for suspicion.

People seem to be jumping to conclusions that the bf probably withholds this information from the OP because she is some sort of stalker or reacts badly to his relationships with ex-girlfriends. I don't know where that's coming from. Yes the OP might be a bit insecure in her relationship but I don't blame her with all the lies/withholding of information coming from her boyfriend. Following the ex in the car might seem a bit OTT but it was more than likely a knee-jerk reaction after being shocked by what she saw. If one of you saw your partner's ex girlfriend driving around in your partner's car I'm sure you wouldn't just shrug and forget about it and move on with your day.

As for checking out her bf's profile on FB, I'd hardly call that "stalking". She may be jumping to conclusions about that girl off Plenty of Fish, but it sounds very suspicious to me.

Gooner111

The facebook thing is probably nothing... lots of males (yes males) use hot women as their profile pics and get followers and promote whatever websites (dating porn etc). They usually send out random friend requests to thousand of people and can get banned for it if reported. As for friend request sure I accept most friend without any thought. I play a facebook game and leads to other players requesting to be friends. lol Well I don't know who most of them are and assume they are from the game I play. But once I start seeing porn or spam being posted I delete them - has happened twice now.

As for the lying...not good! But had he been honest and said he gave his ex a lend of the jeep / saw her in person what would your reaction have been? I am assuming he knows you have trust issues and it could be a simple thing of not wanting to get any hassle from you (if that is how you react). Still though lying isn't really on. It has led you to have more trust issues and it appears he is hiding things. Maybe sit down and have a talk with him - try work on these things together... if you want the relationship to work. As it stands now it looks doomed.

sadnsuspicious

Thanks so much to all of you for your thoughts I really appreciate it. Many of you made some very valid points which I accept. I really hope I didnt come across as a stalker -i am far from it but yes I have peeped at his fb page as its there on the side of the screen as a suggestion more times than not, and following his ex invloved not even a two mintue drive to his work to see if she was returning the jeep - impulsive reaction to just satisify a natural curiosity was all.

He has given me more thoughts than just these to be apprehensive - I once found a girls top in the back of his car (which corresponds to size of his ex) and he told me it was from a "bag of rags" he had for doing stuff in the garage. I never saw or heard of these bag of rags before but apparently he "buys them regularly " for 10 euro for working on the cars etc but I never saw a bag of rags before or after that. I made nothing of it at the time. Also, (yes sadly his mother obviosly still does do his washing....) she asked me was a t-shirt mine that was a girls t-shirt that must have gotten mixed up with this stuff in the last wash. Needless to say it wasnt but quick enough he was able to see if must have been his sister in laws (he has no sisters) who had been over to visit 2-3 months prior to that. Funny way it took that long to turn up in wash.

I know these things are tiny little things and there have been others - singley they are nothing but collectively yes they do have me suspicious. I firmly believe that hands up there is nothing going on between the ex juding from how they interacted that day I saw them and that in fairness there didint seem to be odd calls or texts ....but the whole thing is just odd and very secretive. Maybe he is up to somthing with someone else and not the ex at all.

The current situation is that we were on a bit of a cooling off period. We met up he said he missed me and wanted to give things another shot. I couldnt look at him I was annoyed over the plently of fish thing, and yeah I agreed to meet up over the coming days but probably wasnt oozing enthuasiam. That night I couldnt take it anymore and pointed out the plenty of fish thing. One thing led to another, him denying it, getting angry the ususal sequence (this was over texts) and he pointed out I had trust issues and that bottom line I needed to decide did I trust him and want to be with him. I said I needed a couple of days to think things over. He wrote back saying fair enough but that he wasnt going to walk on egg shells. I said i didnt expect him to and that I just wanted repect and honesty as thats all I ever showed him, cracked a little joke but he never replied and I heard nothing since. Not a peep since Thursday.

My friends and family hate him, I know he is not right for me....but yet I cant help loving him and missing him and everything around me reminding me of him- it just doesnt make sense

Also the last day we met, practically in the same breath as saying he missed me, he also said he was going to get the deposit back on the ring! It was 100 euro – hardly a mind blowing sum to be out of pocket by. We would be doing anything like that anytime soon he said so he might as well have the money, but yet it would be a shame if the ring was gone…I know this was prob his way of assessing where I stood with the whole thing. I said sure its your money your decision so you do what you want or need to do. That did hurt tho… a lot

Gooner111

sadnsuspicious wrote: »

My friends and family hate him, I know he is not right for me....

The no contact thing might be him giving you space to make your decision... you did tell him you needed time.

But you met up didn't get the answers you needed and added to the quoted sentence above I think you know what you have to do....

Ellsbells

I remember about the bag of rags.... Not sounding great

Stavro Mueller

sadnsuspicious wrote: »

My friends and family hate him, I know he is not right for me....but yet I cant help loving him and missing him and everything around me reminding me of him- it just doesnt make sense

This jumped out at me. It's a bad sign if your family and friends have let it be known that they hate him. In my experience, most family and friends will keep schtum even if they have reservations about someone's other half. They're obviously seeing things you can't see in this guy if that's the way they're behaving.

I don't like you saying he's not right for you either. It doesn't sound like true love to me. You don't trust him and he's certainly not giving you reason to think otherwise. It's more like some sort of infatuation really and its not healthy.

LegacyUser

I am slightly baffled by your posts OP if i'm being honest. It almost seems you'd rather waste time staying in a relationship which is clearly unhealthy just to find irrefutable proof he has been cheating rather than getting out of it and spending that time finding someone who will treat you right. It's like you want to find proof to justify ending the relationship, you're afraid to walk away in case you're wrong, but you see the thing is OP right or wrong, It's far too late now anyway... even if you could find out if this man was innocent or guilty, it won't change anything. It doesn't matter who's right or wrong, at the end of the day the simple fact is that your entire relationship with this man is based on suspicion, mistrust, and lies. How can it possibly survive when it's very foundations are rotten?

I cant help loving him

You don't love him OP, you're in love with the person you think he could be. You will never find out if he's cheated on you OP. Why do you continue to punish yourself by staying with him?