20 and stuck at home on a friday

LegacyUser

I'm 20 and stuck at home on a Friday night, and it's kinda makin me feel like a social failure! Not one of my close friends is single, and I'm not the kinda person with loads of "acquaintances" that I can just pick up the phone to and head out with, so here I am stuck in alone wishing I had even one person to go out to a nightclub or something with. It's a pretty regular occurance aswell so this isn't a once off complaint. Feel like I'm alone with this problem, what other single person of this age can't go out when they want to?

a fat guy

I definitely don't go out every Friday and I'm 22. It's just not as good as Saturday, which I always go out for.

And why would you feel like a social failure for not going out on a Friday? You place too much of an emphasis on what others think of you and most likely judge others as much as you're judging yourself right now. What you need to do is realise that going out and partying is not what life is all about. And if someone doesn't go out at all for the weekends, that doesn't make them a failure!

Once you've stopped judging others, you will stop judging yourself.

Once you stop judging yourself, you'll be happy.

Good luck!

cena

27 and I don't go out at all.

Stavro Mueller

Social failure sounds a bit melodramatic to be honest. Not going out on a Friday night is more common than you think, especially as people get older and think more about where their money is going. Not to mention not wanting to lose half Saturday to a raging hangover.

Regardless, I get where you're coming from. You're all dressed up with nowhere to go, so to speak. Do you have the same problem on a Saturday night or is it just Fridays?

From what I can see, you have two options
(1) Make some new friends through college/work/other social activities and go out with them
(2) Accept that this is the way it's going to be and look into other ways to hang out with your friends. Some people drop their friends like a hot snot when they get into relationships but others do make more of an effort. Maybe now that your friends are all loved up, they don't want to go out on the tear like they used to but would still be happy to do some things with you.

RacoonQueen

cena wrote: »

27 and I don't go out at all.

Same here, but younger

It's not big deal. I did that going out every weekend/every Friday and Saturday for about 2 or 3 months and then realised that it was a horrible waste on money and I really didn't enjoy it.

Now when I do out, I really enjoy myself.

It's no big deal, I stopped going out like that at about 19.

Question is though, why dont' you go out? You say none of your friends are single, but do they go out as couples? Say a few couples going out? Why not organise a night out yourself and see if your friends and their partners fancy a night out?

checkcheek

Same issue here. I'm 19 and never go out any night. My friends all have other friends and they seem to go out but never invite me and I'm not the kinda of person to just invite myself.

LegacyUser

Hey OP,
I'm 27 and no better than you.
2nd saturday in in a row and wasnt out last night either.
one best friend is married with child, other stuck in fiance 24/7 doesnt go out. rest are in dublin or abroad. so its me myself and I and any other friends i have i wouldnt ring up to ask to go out with, it's more if we're in contact anyway!

cena

RacoonQueen wrote: »

Same here, but younger

It's not big deal. I did that going out every weekend/every Friday and Saturday for about 2 or 3 months and then realised that it was a horrible waste on money and I really didn't enjoy it.

Now when I do out, I really enjoy myself.

It's no big deal, I stopped going out like that at about 19.

Question is though, why dont' you go out? You say none of your friends are single, but do they go out as couples? Say a few couples going out? Why not organise a night out yourself and see if your friends and their partners fancy a night out?

They all go out to a place I use to work and had accident in it. I was never a going out kind of person. Its meanly ladie I would hang with if I was going out. I never see the lads around.

I have asked a few to come down to my place but they never do.

CatEyed92

Don't worry.
You're 20, so you're in my age bracket!

My experience:
I'm 21, tried the whole 'clubbing/student scene/nights out' and it loses it's novelty fairly quickly when you're the non drinker.

It's quite boring actually and I can think of better things to be doing then holding a friend's hair back and dragging their dead weight into a taxi..
Not worth it in my own opinion.. Alot of effort for what it is.
I've taken a different approach lately and sat down to have a chat with myself. I would much rather do something I was comfortable with e.g not getting smashed! I'd rather curl up with a book or Johnathon Ross or sleep even then try to keep up with such a shallow scene with no substance or quality.
Don't get me wrong, I love dancing! LOVE IT! Love the odd gig and meeting other people and having a laugh etc. But from my own experience, with the crowd I've been around, it's all about getting drunk and pre drinking.

OP, do what makes you comfortable! You're by no means a loser or a 'social failure'. It's not all about nights out. You can be 'social' in other ways without the nights out. What do you like? Sport? A hobby? Join something and find like-minded people

And if it's just a case of wanting to go out with a friend or five, meet like minded people and then organize something?!

Night out's are not the be all and end all

Cat!

OP, if your only main issue right now is staying in on a Friday night, then that's a pretty good sign.

LegacyUser

Cheers for the replies everyone, my internet has been down so I haven't been able to post.

It's Friday again and I'm having the same issue....

It's not that I'm unhappy in particular with being in on a Friday night, it's more so that to me it's indicative of a wider social problem in my life. If I want to just go out, on a given night, I can't. I've nobody to ask. The main group of mates I have are in relationships as I've said and have little to no interest in going out. Do you not agree that 99% of people in the 20-25 age bracket have enough friends that they can avoid being stuck in at home on a Friday night? I don't, and it makes me feel fairly pathetic.

Big Bag of Chips

What did you expect to magically happen in a week?! I'm not being deliberately mean OP, but if you are unhappy with any aspect of your life, it's up to you, and you alone, to change it. Nobody is going to 'fix' your life for you!

So your friends are all loved up? Do they still go out, or are they also stuck at home? Why not try arrange to go out with some of them next week. Surely just because they are going out with someone doesn't mean that they never step foot outside the door. I know plenty of couples who still manage to get out seperately once in a while, and even some couples who enjoy going out together but with their other friends going along too (single or otherwise!)

None of them are going to magically know that you are stuck in because none of them are available to go out. Call someone. Ask them would they like to go out, because you haven't been out with them in ages.. etc?

You need to sort this out - not sit around waiting for the next Friday to come, and then give out that you are at home, alone, again.

LegacyUser

To make this matter feel even worse, I had a birthday 5 days ago and a grand total of 6 people wished me birthday on a certain popular social networking site. Surely that's an awfully pathetic amount for someone of age 20 and further shows how much of a social failure I really am?

LegacyUser

Why do you care about people wishing you happy birthday on a social networking site?
OP i only have a few really good friends, dont go out that often and i'm happy.
You need to take the advice given on here and keep trying.
You're only a failure if you give up.

Dave!

tbh I don't think "just be happy" is terribly useful here! Obviously he's unhappy with his current social situation. I'm in a similar position I suppose, although I do get out most weekends it's with the same small group and I'm a bit over-reliant on them, which isn't a great situation to be in.

I'm in a bit of a transitional phase at the moment because I'm trying to find a new job, and I'm moving back in with my folks in a couple of weeks, but once I get the job stuff sorted I'm gonna have a look around and see what clubs, classes, meetups, etc., I can check out. Hopefully meet a few people there, and get out with them, etc.

I suggest you do likewise OP! You have to put yourself out there, or you'll be stuck in the same situation in a couple of years' time

bellylint

Heya Op,
There is nothing wrong with have a limited amount of friends by any means. I was in the same boat in my youth (34 now). I long wondered over it at times. If you want it to change though, it is up to you and its not the quickest thing to change either. It unfortunately does take a lot of putting yourself out there. Best I could recommend would be to start up with some clubs or sports, and head along to those. They usually are quite welcoming to new people. If you put the effort in with new people you might find a couple of them that you click with. Anyways, best of luck with whatever you decide to do.

socialfailure

socialfailure wrote: »

To make this matter feel even worse, I had a birthday 5 days ago and a grand total of 6 people wished me birthday on a certain popular social networking site. Surely that's an awfully pathetic amount for someone of age 20 and further shows how much of a social failure I really am?

Did you have it on your profile that it was your birthday? If not, then it means that 6 people actually cared enough about you to remember your birthday.

One thing I genuinely don't understand is everyone's fascination with wishing someone a happy birthday on Facebook, if it's the first and only time they'll talk to that person this year.

I'm not sure what gender you are, but the Ladies Lounge has a meet-up forum, which is women only, so drop a message to one of the mods there to ask for more details. The Gentleman's Club sometimes organizes events that is open to everyone, and even check out whatever relevant Regional forum and see if there's anything being organized there, which happens a lot in the Galway City forum.

So instead of sitting around mulling over not knowing anyone to meet up with, be proactive and go to these events, join clubs, pick up new hobbies, and make new friends.

Don't get bogged down on Facebook. I don't think many people pay attention to however many people wished them a happy birthday. I certainly don't, instead I just be happy that someone actually did.

Stavro Mueller

OP, the only answer to your initial problem is to make new friends. People are suggesting different ways to do this so I’m not going to reinvent the wheel.
I’d like to address two other issues though.

Because you’ve been referring to your not going out as social failure, it’s leading me to think that you’re viewing being stuck at home on a Friday night as something that has gone wrong in your life. Despite what you think, not all 20 year olds have dozens of friends and hectic social lives. It might be the benchmark you’ve used to measure how you think your life should be but it’s certainly not the norm. Maybe you need to be more realistic and stop wishing for something you may not have. Some people are naturally gregarious and have loads and loads of friends. Others are different again and get by quite happily with “only” a smaller number of friends. One is not better than the other. They’re just different.

On the Facebook thing, I obviously don’t know the circumstances around it and who took the time to wish you a happy birthday. Do the people who didn’t wish you a happy birthday normally wish other friends a happy b’day? Are they people who would normally be actual friends of yours. Like proper friends, rather than acquaintances? I really don’t want to start stirring sh¦t where there is no reason to stir it but perhaps you need to re-evaluate who your friends are. There could be a perfectly innocent explanation for why they didn’t wish you happy birthday or they might not be the friends you thought them to be. Don’t hold onto people in your life just to make up the numbers. More is not always better.

stop animal cruelty

socialfailure wrote: »

I'm 20 and stuck at home on a Friday night, and it's kinda makin me feel like a social failure! Not one of my close friends is single, and I'm not the kinda person with loads of "acquaintances" that I can just pick up the phone to and head out with, so here I am stuck in alone wishing I had even one person to go out to a nightclub or something with. It's a pretty regular occurance aswell so this isn't a once off complaint. Feel like I'm alone with this problem, what other single person of this age can't go out when they want to?

in the same boat as you, & im 20year also

Stavro Mueller

Don't forget either that 20 can be something of a transition phase. Not all the friends you had during your teenage years will continue to be your friends. People move away, people change, people make new friends etc. it's up to you to meet new people and form more friendships. Be it through work, college, socialising, hobbies etc.

Lorna123

I am a good bit older than you OP but when I was 27 I had just come out of a relationship, all my friends were married and I had nobody to socialize with so I put an ad in a newspaper in the Classified column with a box no. and got a few replies. I then went nightclubbing with the people I met and met my husband. So you could do that too. Things haven't changed that much and if I could do that so can you.

loopygirl

I was in a similar positition a few years ago, nobody to go out with. Then my ex suggested meetup.com. Search for social groups and you will find plenty, especially in Dublin. 3 years on I have heaps of mates and go out Friday and Saturday, i've even had relationships due to it. Its scary turning up on your own the first time but everyone welcomes you and after 1 night out you'll get to know people. They post up meetups every week for all sorts of things not just drinking. Costs nothing. Saved my social life, try it OP!!

LegacyUser

Cheers for the replies so far, they've honestly been helpful. I think I kinda sussed out part of my issue, it seems to me that I'm kinda stuck in a mindset whereby if I'm presented with the chance to interact with new people, I just don't do it. Deep down I want to but I've found that anytime I'm given the chance to, something just comes over me. I'm not sure if I'd call it a depressive feeling but I get really downhearted and lose enthusiasm. Maybe some people are just meant to not be sociable types? As much as I'd love to be one of them people, I've found that it's a lot less difficult to stick to myself and the few friends I have. Even at home I'm the same, I'm quiet and withdrawn. I find small talk just so difficult to make, even with close family member the most they'll get out of me in a conversation is a few words.

LegacyUser

socialfailure wrote: »

Cheers for the replies so far, they've honestly been helpful. I think I kinda sussed out part of my issue, it seems to me that I'm kinda stuck in a mindset whereby if I'm presented with the chance to interact with new people, I just don't do it. Deep down I want to but I've found that anytime I'm given the chance to, something just comes over me. I'm not sure if I'd call it a depressive feeling but I get really downhearted and lose enthusiasm. Maybe some people are just meant to not be sociable types? As much as I'd love to be one of them people, I've found that it's a lot less difficult to stick to myself and the few friends I have. Even at home I'm the same, I'm quiet and withdrawn. I find small talk just so difficult to make, even with close family member the most they'll get out of me in a conversation is a few words.

<mod snip> this section of the post was bordering on diagnoses. The rest of the post could be relevant to the OP, though!.

I get the feeling that you might be caught between wanting to be sociable and dealing with lack of confidence in social situations. I can relate to that. In College, I always felt that everybody had loads of friends, while I had very few friends (sometimes no friends). But then I realised, the people I was referring to, were the people who shouted the loudest (Student Union Class Reps, people involved in Clubs/Societies in College). It's just a given that there are people who are very socially involved. They obviously could go out every night of the week if they wanted. But, don't let that make you feel inadequate.(Trust me, I know it's easier said than done, have been there and frequently visit).

On that note, let me make a personal observation. Particularly where I live, there does exist a mentality that if you don't go out pubbing and clubbing every weekend, that you are considered a bit odd. There are people who do have this mentality. But, don't let people belittle you for not clubbing it every night of the weekend. If they really do judge you (in a cynical way), they are probably not worth befriending. In Ireland, I think there can exist the thin line between 'friend' and 'drinking buddy. Not so long ago, I had my group of school friends who only cared if I was going out to drink with them. There were people who would judge me for not drinking as much as they do, and kept trying to get me really drunk (despite me saying please lay off when I say no). I think it was because me getting drunk allowed them to see an uninhibited side of me. I came to realise later that I actually didn't like being in their company and distanced myself. It has meant that I need to find new friends. But, it's better to have people who want to be there with you instead of just being another person in the pub to talk to.

Sorry if I'm spouting on in different tangents. I just want to let you know that you are not the only person with these feelings, and it's more common than you think. I have even done the whole punishment of looking at facebook and wondering why I can't do things like that. In short, I've come to realise that I need to get out there for me and meet potential friends. Not for everyone else. At the same time, I shouldn't compare myself to other people and just do what makes me happy. Best of luck, OP!