Would you date a HIV Positive guy?

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

I recently met a fantastic guy - he is funny, smart, gorgeous, good job, decent etc. And he likes me too ha! Anyway after a few dates and before the sex bit, he told me he was HIV +. I am HIV-, and relatively new to dating despite being 31!
This was a big step for him, and luckily I handled it maturely. But I said I had to think about it, research it, talk to a doctor etc.

I eventually told him that I didnt feel I would be able to have sex with him. He was great about this, said he fully understood and that he probably had more to do himself in coming to terms with his condition and maybe we could be mates etc Which is great as i am new to the area

However, it just feels really right with him. As if it could be something great. And I do spend a stupid amount of time thinking about him. And Im slowly convincing myself that it is safe to be with him if proper precautions are taken.

So im basically wondering aloud, am I deluding myself and wishing this to be a great, workable and safe relationship? Is there anyone here who has ever been in such a situation or been in a relationship where one person had HIV and the other didnt? How did it work? Did you feel safe? What are the practicalities?

Because otherwise, I need to make a clean break from this guy, as Im beginning to think we cannot just be friends.

JH_raheny

you would have a greater chance winning the lotto that contracting hiv from a guy that is on proper medication, practice safe sex and you'll be just fine -

foggy_lad

whatwouldyoudo wrote: »

Hi guys,

I recently met a fantastic guy - he is funny, smart, gorgeous, good job, decent etc. And he likes me too ha! Anyway after a few dates and before the sex bit, he told me he was HIV +. I am HIV-, and relatively new to dating despite being 31!
This was a big step for him, and luckily I handled it maturely. But I said I had to think about it, research it, talk to a doctor etc.

I eventually told him that I didnt feel I would be able to have sex with him. He was great about this, said he fully understood and that he probably had more to do himself in coming to terms with his condition and maybe we could be mates etc Which is great as i am new to the area

However, it just feels really right with him. As if it could be something great. And I do spend a stupid amount of time thinking about him. And Im slowly convincing myself that it is safe to be with him if proper precautions are taken.

So im basically wondering aloud, am I deluding myself and wishing this to be a great, workable and safe relationship? Is there anyone here who has ever been in such a situation or been in a relationship where one person had HIV and the other didnt? How did it work? Did you feel safe? What are the practicalities?

Because otherwise, I need to make a clean break from this guy, as Im beginning to think we cannot just be friends.

OP is this your first serious relationship with another guy? if so it could be a lot more infatuation than actual love for him. He may have a lot more to learn and think of regarding his HIV+ status and relationships but I think you also have a lot of thinking to do about how serious and how real your feelings towards this guy are.

foggy_lad

JH_raheny wrote: »

you would have a greater chance winning the lotto that contracting hiv from a guy that is on proper medication,

What a stupid statement to make!

sheehan12

will i would date a guy full stop

floggg

Can't say I've ever been in a relationship with somebody who was HIV positive but I do know that there are plenty of negative people in long term relationships with somebody who is positive.

I know if they are taking medication correctly and consistently the chance of transmission is greatly reduced, though I can't say to what rate. Also, obviously you would need to take appropriate precautions.

If you do decide to go ahead with it, be sure you are mentally prepared for it, and will be able to handle it. You need to be fair to him too.

But I think if you are safe and sensible a relationship is possible.

purified

Hi

Firstly you need to get informed correctly about HIV. Ignore any flipant statements and properly research it, there are a lot of presumptions about HIV.

http://www.irishaid.gov.ie/development_aids.html is a good site

www.redribbonproject.ie is very good also.

You can pick up pamphlets in most hospitals or support services showing both sides of the story, ie: living with HIV and Living with someone with HIV.

Once you look into the information you can make your own decision, its got a lot to do with cell counts? (i could be wrong in the wording of that) but once you research it ...especially if you like him this much it will put your mind at ease im sure

JH_raheny

foggy_lad wrote: »

What a stupid statement to make!

Why ?

LegacyUser

Hey guys,
Thank you for taking the time to reply. No it is not my first relationship, I mean I am new to dating again as I had been in a long term relationship until recently. So I don't think it is an infatuation. It is simply someone I happen to really like.
I have done lots of research and it all points to it being possible. The thing holding me back has been psychological, ie the fear of it or ignorance perhaps, despite knowing the facts. I seem to be getting over that slowly
That's why I was hoping someone might have a more personal or practical experience of HIV. Leaflets and articles only tell you so much.

foggy_lad

JH_raheny wrote: »

Why ?

The precautions you take will generally dictate the level of risk and not what medications someone claims to be taking.

pontia

wouldent date a guy anyway but if i was a woman i would run a mile,lifes to short

If you take the right precautions you are fine. Go ahead and date the guy. Is it really much different to meeting a random guy in a bar or online who says they are clean and you take it at face value.
Everyone should be taking the right precautions! At least if you know a guy is HIV+, you know where you stand and what to do.

Annasopra

foggy_lad wrote: »

The precautions you take will generally dictate the level of risk and not what medications someone claims to be taking.

Not quite true.

Anti retrivoral drugs can contribute towards prevention of infection

See this

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/may/12/aids-treatment-drugs-hiv-epidemic

I think this is probably a good example of why we don't allow medical advice on this forum. I would respectfully suggest that posters refrain from giving medical advice about HIV in future as per the charter.

OP - maybe contact some of these

http://www.dublinaidsalliance.ie/
http://www.redribbonproject.ie/
http://www.aidswest.ie/

1ZRed

Yeah I would date a HIV possive guy. I'd be using protection anyway if he was positive or negative so it doesn't take much more effort to cut out anything that would further increase the risk of me contracting it off him.

It doesn't make him a bad person or someone to be avoided if he is positive so if you can work through some of your worries (they are perfectly rational and understandable) and protect yourself the best you can, I say go for it if you like him this much.

Annasopra

I would date a positive guy. I think I would need to insist on completely honest and open communication.

Silvics

foggy_lad wrote: »

The precautions you take will generally dictate the level of risk and not what medications someone claims to be taking.

People who are on antiretrovirals and undetectable have a massively reduced rate of transmission to others. Where the risk of infection was rated at up to 90% for poz top to neg bottom, it's reckoned to be less than 2-3%-a risk certainly but, a significantly reduced risk. With safe sex, it is essentially zero.


OP, I'd like to applaud this guy for disclosing to you-he had the integrity to do that in a world where many gay guys wear a red ribbon more as a fashion statement than out of any conviction or genuine solidarity for, let alone understanding of HIV+ gay men. His story reminds me of a poz friend, recently returned to Ireland, who met another professional guy in the George. They hit it off, spoke all evening, went for a meal, and as they parted my friend said to the other " I have to tell you something".
"You have a boyfriend?" asked the other.
"No, I'm HIV+", was the reply.
Without a word, the other guy took out his phone and deleted my friends number, shook his head and walked away. Not another word.

foggy_lad

Silvics wrote: »

People who are on antiretrovirals and undetectable have a massively reduced rate of transmission to others. Where the risk of infection was rated at up to 90% for poz top to neg bottom, it's reckoned to be less than 2-3%-a risk certainly but, a significantly reduced risk. With safe sex, it is essentially zero.


OP, I'd like to applaud this guy for disclosing to you-he had the integrity to do that in a world where many gay guys wear a red ribbon more as a fashion statement than out of any conviction or genuine solidarity for, let alone understanding of HIV+ gay men. His story reminds me of a poz friend, recently returned to Ireland, who met another professional guy in the George. They hit it off, spoke all evening, went for a meal, and as they parted my friend said to the other " I have to tell you something".
"You have a boyfriend?" asked the other.
"No, I'm HIV+", was the reply.
Without a word, the other guy took out his phone and deleted my friends number, shook his head and walked away. Not another word.

My problem is not with the effectiveness of the drugs but with the claims made by some guy who is a stranger, we all know that many guys will tell you anything and promise the world to get what they want!

Silvics

foggy_lad wrote: »

My problem is not with the effectiveness of the drugs but with the claims made by some guy who is a stranger, we all know that many guys will tell you anything and promise the world to get what they want!

Fine and that's where a guy has to follow his big head and not the small one;)

sitstill

1ZRed wrote: »

Yeah I would date a HIV possive guy. I'd be using protection anyway if he was positive or negative so it doesn't take much more effort to cut out anything that would further increase the risk of me contracting it off him.

It doesn't make him a bad person or someone to be avoided if he is positive so if you can work through some of your worries (they are perfectly rational and understandable) and protect yourself the best you can, I say go for it if you like him this much.

Totally agree with this. It is unfortunate that he has HIV but it doesn't make him a bad person. He deserves a chance as much as anyone else so long as you are careful.

Annasopra

Silvics wrote: »

Fine and that's where a guy has to follow his big head and not the small one;)

Well firstly they're not "strangers" on a one night stand. Secondly they have obviously developed some sense of trust that he told him he is HIV positive. I think if there is a certain amount of trust and honest communication then your particular fears could be allayed.

Silvics

mango salsa wrote: »

Well firstly they're not "strangers" on a one night stand.

Where did that come from?
Perhaps trust has developed, but I don't see how one can deduce that definitively.

Lexplosii

I personally wouldn't. It might be paranoia but I would never be comfortable knowing that something could happen to me.

I don't want that terrible disease.

Annasopra

Silvics wrote: »

Where did that come from?

What the OP said!

Silvics

mango salsa wrote: »

What the OP said!

Someone's got their lines crossed.
Anyhow for anyone interested in a sympathetic look at serodiscordant relationships, check this out. Remember when this was written, things weren't looking good.

Silvics

Here's an interesting piece I came across. Interviews with HIV+ men and the reaction of HIV- men on learning of their status. Food for thought.
http://gawker.com/5935651/please-dont-infect-me-im-sorry

skinnylove85

I'm a HIV+ guy. I find it difficult to meet guys that are accepting of me being HIV. I'm on meds and doing really well, healthy etc. I am good looking guy and people can't understand why I'm single.

I try to meet other HIV guys online, but for the most part I never seem to find guys I like. I'm thinking that I should just try and meet some HIV- guys but fear that people would run a mile.

I hear people say that they would have no problem going out with someone with HIV but I wonder if they actually mean what they say? Or if faced with the situation would actually leg it for fear of catching the virus??

My question really is whether "hand on heart" anyone out there can truly say they would date someone with HIV??

I feel its crunch time for me... Most of my friends are in long term relationships etc and i fear being sad and alone because of something so simple as three letters....HIV!:(

Conor30

I think it's hard for any gayer to meet a nice guy, never mind being HIV +. I find it hard to meet a nice guy as a HIV - person. I can only imagine how difficult it must be when you're HIV + too. I personally wouldn't have a problem with a guy being HIV + if I really liked him. Of course, it'd be an obstacle to get over, but it wouldn't be insurmountable. I'm conscious that any one of us could become HIV one day, so it doesn't do to be judgemental and smug. Everyone who is HIV + was also once HIV-.
I suppose the best advice you could get is from someone who is HIV +. I don't know what to say except that you should keep putting yourself out there and just be honest with people. Someone nice might come along. Good luck.

1ZRed

There was another thread like this done recently which I think you should look over.

Personally, yeah it would be something to think about but no, I don't think I would have a problem with it. You're going to be protecting yourself anyway with a guy and it doesn't take much more effort to take the HIV risk into account and take some extra precaution.

I don't see HIV+ guys as bad people or to be feared as long as they are honest. Be honest from early on and you won't be disappointed when you've invested into something that collapses once you tell a guy about your situation.

Keep putting yourself out there in sports, clubs/bars and other activities (not just relying on sites!) and you'll have the best possible chance of meeting new and like minded guys.