So my mother wants us to move house

KTBFFH

This is my first ever post on Boards so take it easy on me....

Backstory: We have been living in this house all my life. It is small, cold and honestly I would love to live somewhere else...but at the same time this is my home. My father died suddenly a few years back and my younger brother passed away in a car accident a few years before that. Now there is only my mother and I left.

Problem: My mother is now at a stage in her life where she feels things have not went well and she has under-achieved. She is now back in college and wants to get on with life. I am starting college this year so I will not be at home during the week. This will be a huge change for her to live alone. She wants to move to a house in an estate in our local town. She wants to move on but I feel extremely attached to this house. It may be a kip but at least it is my kip and I feel comfortable in it. All my friends live around here also. But the biggest reason I am finding it hard to move is because of all the memories. This house is where I grew up. This house is full of memories of my father and brother. This house is my home. I have often dreamed of moving but now that it has come I am afraid. I always thought we would live around this area... I know my mother would love to move but if she knows I;m not happy moving she will reluctantly stay here.

So the reason I put this up is for advice. Should I move or should I stay here? I wrote this as much to make sense of it myself as for advice. Any comments would be greatly appreciated

WhyGoBald

I am sorry for the loss of your father and brother.

I understand that you feel unsettled by the thought of moving, especially coming on top of going to college However, let's face it: you're not going to be in the house much over the next three or four years, and then the likelihood is that you'll be moving on anyway.

Your mother understandably wants to make a new start given that you will be away for most of the time. She's had terrible things to bear - don't be selfish and hold her back from building her life back up again. I don't mean that as a judgement on you, but simply to think that if things have been difficult for you, it's been worse for her.

MissFlitworth

You won't always live with your Mum OP, let her find somewhere to live that she can be happy when you've moved on with your own life. It might be really hard for her to deal with a home full of memories when she's on her own with them. (sorry for your losses, I can't imagine how hard the thoughts of moving must be for you. Says an awful lot about the type of person that you are that you're thinking of your Mum despite not wanting to leave your home)

KTBFFH

WhyGoBald wrote: »

I am sorry for the loss of your father and brother.

I understand that you feel unsettled by the thought of moving, especially coming on top of going to college However, let's face it: you're not going to be in the house much over the next three or four years, and then the likelihood is that you'll be moving on anyway.

Your mother understandably wants to make a new start given that you will be away for most of the time. She's had terrible things to bear - don't be selfish and hold her back from building her life back up again. I don't mean that as a judgement on you, but simply to think that if things have been difficult for you, it's been worse for her.

Thanks for your reply WhyGoBald! I understand what you are saying completely. It just is hard to contemplate leaving everything around me I now know so well: my best friend is my neigbhour, my granny who I visit regularly lives just up the road. All this will be gone if we move. However, I still get what you are saying and I feel gilty for wanting to stay. But it just feels like this place connects me to my father and brother. If I leave I feel I could lose that. It is one of the last things left that reminds me of them and that gives me a sense of security.

okiss

You are about to leave home and move to college. In the next few months you won't be around as much and your friends will be moving on also.
Maybe at this stage she could buy a nicer house which does not need a lot of money to be spent on it to make it better or will need a lot of money spent on it in the future.
You mother has moved on with her life by going back to college and she may have friend's close by to the new house she is planning to move to.
She has lost her husband and your brother which I know has been hard on her.
Also she knows you are going to college so why should she stay in a house full of memories just to suit you.
You need to encourage her to buy the new house. Just tell her to get a full survey done on it before buying so she won't be running into problems later on.
Good Luck in college.

looksee

It is understandable, but as the others have said, after college you will have to move away anyway if you have any hope of getting a job. At that stage your father and your brother will live in your heart and in your memories, and you will realise that that is a much healthier way to remember them.

Your mum sounds like she is heading into the future with great spirit, you wouldn't really want to think of her stuck in a small, cold house while you are gone. She will need help to move, you could do so much to help her by helping with the move, do it for her

girl2

Hi OP

For the reasons you have stated that you want to stay in this house - these could be a big part of the reason that your mother wants to leave. Being constantly reminded of the pain and suffering she has had to go through in that house may very well be part of the reason that she wants to move.

Memories will always be there with you.....no matter where you go. Hold the memories in your heart.

It may be a good time for you both to move on in life now.....and maybe it has taken a lot of strength on your mother's part to make these decisions in her life.

You will inevitably be moving out of that house some day, never to come back - when you get your own house (or whatever). And with you going to college, this is a good opportunity for both of you to make a fresh start.

Hope it works out for you OP.

KTBFFH

MissFlitworth wrote: »

You won't always live with your Mum OP, let her find somewhere to live that she can be happy when you've moved on with your own life. It might be really hard for her to deal with a home full of memories when she's on her own with them. (sorry for your losses, I can't imagine how hard the thoughts of moving must be for you. Says an awful lot about the type of person that you are that you're thinking of your Mum despite not wanting to leave your home)

Thanks for your kind words MissFlitworth. Again, I completely understand what you are saying. to be honest I think it may be the thoughts of her moving on that is getting me worried the most. I know that sounds terrible but it is how I feel. Deep down I know she would love to meet someone again. So i guess moving, to me, is like the first step for her and I'm afraid where it will go from there. I really want her to be happy and enjoy life but I can never imagine my mother with someone else. It is unthinkable. I know anyone reading this will probably say 'let her live her live and let her find someone and be happy' but it is not so easy when it is your mother. As you can imagine we are extremely close. Lately she has been going out which she rarely did years ago with dad. Every time she is out I almost feel she is looking for a new man and it kills me. I know I must be posessive but if you went through what we have in our life anybody would be the same.

Stavro Mueller

You're looking at this very much from the perspective of how you're living your life today. Once you go away to college, your life is going to change much more than you think it will. You're going to be living in a new place, meeting new people, experiencing new things etc. All of which will serve to weaken your links with your home place. Unless you come home for the summer holidays, you're unlikely to be spending as much time at home over the next few years anyway.

Just because your mum moves into town does not mean you won't be able to see your gran or your friends. It may involve more effort to visit them but it's not insurmountable. I assume too that your friends are going to be starting to move away too. As time goes on, you may find yourself in less contact with your friends anyway. They'll be going elsewhere, making new friends, getting into relationships etc.

I can understand why you love your home and feel the connection. You would be very selfish of you to stop your mum moving though. She has lost her husband and her son. Now she's going to be losing you a bit when you go off to college. She wouldn't be wanting to move house unless she felt unhappy where she is. Maybe living in town will be less lonely for your mum too.

Would I be right in guessing that this is coming to a head because the leaving cert results are out and soon you'll be finding out where you'll be going to college? It's understandable that you're feeling fearful about this because it is probably the first time in your life you'll be stepping outside your comfort zone. The good thing for now is that your mum is still in the home place. Even if she decided to sell now, it'd take a while to sort everything. You'd most likely be settled into college by then and will have made the break from home.

Reesy

OP, if & when you move house, how about you have a little ceremony - dig out the old photos & memories (some painful, I guess & some happy ones) and have a dinner to talk about it all. Say goodbye to the old house and its memories in proper style. Maybe make a scrapboo of memories. Maybe take photos to put in it. Maybe invite others to contribute - or not.

Then move on to your new existance, bringing the memories with you.

KTBFFH

cymbaline wrote: »

You're looking at this very much from the perspective of how you're living your life today. Once you go away to college, your life is going to change much more than you think it will. You're going to be living in a new place, meeting new people, experiencing new things etc. All of which will serve to weaken your links with your home place. Unless you come home for the summer holidays, you're unlikely to be spending as much time at home over the next few years anyway.

Just because your mum moves into town does not mean you won't be able to see your gran or your friends. It may involve more effort to visit them but it's not insurmountable. I assume too that your friends are going to be starting to move away too. As time goes on, you may find yourself in less contact with your friends anyway. They'll be going elsewhere, making new friends, getting into relationships etc.

I can understand why you love your home and feel the connection. You would be very selfish of you to stop your mum moving though. She has lost her husband and her son. Now she's going to be losing you a bit when you go off to college. She wouldn't be wanting to move house unless she felt unhappy where she is. Maybe living in town will be less lonely for your mum too.

Would I be right in guessing that this is coming to a head because the leaving cert results are out and soon you'll be finding out where you'll be going to college? It's understandable that you're feeling fearful about this because it is probably the first time in your life you'll be stepping outside your comfort zone. The good thing for now is that your mum is still in the home place. Even if she decided to sell now, it'd take a while to sort everything. You'd most likely be settled into college by then and will have made the break from home.

Thanks for your response. First of all I'd like to clear a few things up for everyone... The house we are in now is rented. We do not own it. The house we would be moving into would be a council house and rented also. We can not afford anything else. I have been working away from home every summer since 13 just to save my money so I can afford to go to college. The reason this is coming around the leaving cert time is just purely by chance. Mum just had the meeting with a council worker today. Believe it or not I was the one who asked her about moving. But I hoped (as did she) that we could get a small house built for us in our area on our gran's land. But obviously with the recession now we were told the funds are not available for that.

Also just to clear up. My mum really likes the house we are in now. She likes the countryside and the memories. It is the sheer lack of space and dampness etc that is worrying her she tells me. She says she cant stick 1 more freezing winter her with all our good clothes getting damp and musty. If we had the money she would love to build a small house locally. She just wants a house of her own with some heat, space and a spare room so we can actually invite someone to stay over instead of worrying about me having to sleep on the floor.

KTBFFH

Reesy wrote: »

OP, if & when you move house, how about you have a little ceremony - dig out the old photos & memories (some painful, I guess & some happy ones) and have a dinner to talk about it all. Say goodbye to the old house and its memories in proper style. Maybe make a scrapboo of memories. Maybe take photos to put in it. Maybe invite others to contribute - or not.

Then move on to your new existance, bringing the memories with you.

Thanks for the idea. It sounds very nice. She would love that!

ManOfMystery

OP, my parents may have to move house in a year or two (being forced to because of a new road being built) and have been a bit annoyed about it because of all the memories built up over the years, sentimentality, etc. My father in particular grew up in the same spot (built their house over his parents old one when they died) and has never been anywhere else, so it's been a bit tough on him.

But as I said to them, the house is only bricks and mortar. It's the people who lived there who made the memories - not the house. We could have grown up in any house and we'd still have had the same great relationship in our family that's always been there, and I have no doubt at all that we would have had great memories no matter where else we lived.

The memories are in your heads forever, and in photos and letters which will be taken with you. Moving somewhere new won't erase them or change anything from the past. Forgetting about sentimentality, it's also very unhealthy to be living in a cold/damp house and this can have long term consequences for people as they get older - I think it would be prudent from a health perspective for you all to move to somewhere which is warmer and better equipped.

In saying all of the above, I still think Reesy's suggestion is a nice symbolic way of saying goodbye to that part of your life and moving on to a new one which will hopefully be even better.

Best of luck

MIRMIR82

OP sorry for you loses, your life must have been very hard for you for the last while.
Here's my tuppence i think you should think of your mum and try to forget how you feel(i know easier said than done) she's obviously very unhappy in the house now, and i don't blame her! At the end of the day she needs and is entitled to a bit of comfort especially after all she's been through. Just try and support her - i know there's draw-backs of moving to the town for her, but everyday life would be a lot more bearable for her, she'll be happier and so will you because she will. Best of luck OP - hope life gets a bit easier soon - enjoy college!!

edellc

I feel for you OP as something similar happened to me, as others have said have a little ceremony to say goodbye, you are leaving bricks and mortar but your memories will be with you always.

You where never going to live with your mam forever so now is as good a time as any for you both to make a new start and start on this new journey in life in a new home.

I wish you and your mam all the very best in college, support her and encourage her in every way you can as you are so very very lucky to have your mam still with you

Peace and love and happiness on your new adventure Op xx

up for anything

We moved house a lot in my life living at home with my parents. I soon learned that home is where my parents are. I am sure that you will discover it's the same with the new house and your mother.

Also it's long, long winter in this country and the constant battle of musty clothes and keeping warm during the never-ending dark days is a nightmare and also isn't healthy. We lived in one house where when you put on your clothes in the morning they were clammy and you steamed for the first hour or so after getting dressed while they dried using your body heat.

Would you really want to condemn her to lonely, cold and dark evenings in the country when you won't be around to keep her company and in spite of the fact that she probably needs adult company more than you can imagine.

Let her move on and don't use emotional blackmail - it becomes a habit.