Finding it hard with LDR

LegacyUser

Hi All,

I know that some of the regular posters on this site are in LDR's and I was just wondering how you cope on the days that you really miss your OH? I'm nearly a year into a LDR and while we try and meet up as often as possible, sometimes, as in now, it's a month between visits. This is just down to finances and work. When things are good, we manage to meet up nearly every weekend. We are two weeks into the month, another two weeks to go and I'm having one of those days where I wish I could just get in my car and leave everything, just to be able to travel to see him for a bit!

The longer that passes between seeing each other, little things start getting to me more, things that wouldn't normally bother me. Pictures of him out with his friends at the weekend, parties that he mentions going to, going a day or two with no text or phonecall. Normally these things wouldn't bother me, I know that he has a life that continues when I'm not with him. But when we haven't seen each other in a bit I start imagining all sorts of things like maybe he'll go to a party and find someone who lives closer to home, when he's not in contact, maybe it's because he's with someone else.

How do you stop yourself from imagining all these things, because honestly, the paranoia will eventually drive me potty!

Scarinae

When my boyfriend and I first went long distance I found it difficult when he wouldn’t text for a couple of days, I was convinced the distance was coming between us and that this was a sign he was falling out of love with me. I asked him directly about it when I next saw him, and he was utterly puzzled, he just said that if he hasn’t texted it’s because he has nothing interesting to say. From his viewpoint, there was no point in writing a text for the sake of it. We just talked it out and found a middle ground - he makes a bit more effort to initiate texts and phone calls, while I don’t stress out too much if we don’t talk every day. Have you spoken to your boyfriend about how you feel?

As for the paranoia thing, there isn’t really a set way to deal with it; either you trust him or you don’t. Are there other signs that he might be the type to stray? If not, I wouldn’t worry - LDRs take a lot of effort, so why would he bother with all that if he didn’t really care about you? You say that you understand his life continues when you’re not there, but you don’t mention anything about your own life continuing when he’s not with you. Presumably you also hang out with friends, go to parties etc as well - if he said he was worried about you meeting someone else, what would your response be? Chances are he’d say the same thing back to you.

On days I really miss my boyfriend, I try to arrange a phone call, and if that’s not possible then I just try to keep busy with something else. I do let myself wallow sometimes - I find the worst time is the first week or so back at the long distance thing when we’ve just seen each other, and I don’t feel like doing anything at all outside of my normal work routine. Most of the time I just get on with it though. Do you have an end in sight regarding the long distance, like a rough idea of when one of you might move a bit closer? A lot of people find that really helps to get them through the difficult days! If not, at least you have a date for your next visit set, so you have something to look forward to.

LegacyUser

It's good to know that there are others here in an LDR! I feel the exact same as scarinae did at the moment, when he doesn't make contact for a few days I start to feel like he doesn't care anymore and think that maybe he has met someone else. I've freaked out at him on a number of occassions about this and it always amazes him how I panic so easily! I think it stems from the fact that at the beginning we would either ring/txt/skype daily but as time goes on I suppose I need to realise that this is not be possible all the time. But I always worry as the weeks go on without seeing him that we may grow apart, and it always seems that Im the one who needs reassurance! When I ask him if we will be okay he says 'of course we will' Thankfully I will get to see him soon though. I just try to keep busy with friends family and work but I have to try hard to stop myself from checking his fb page every 5 mins. I wish I could be more relaxed and assured like he is..Maybe it's a female thing!!

Ellsbells

Ive had LDR's and know I am not cut out for them... Not everyone is. Do ye have a plan for the future cos I dont think they can go on indefinitely.

Sinall

I've been in an LDR for about 20 months now and we recently got engaged. Yes, it is hard. It can be hard to keep that connection alive and well on weeks where you have conflicting schedules and are snatching a few mins on the phone when one of you is half asleep! Little quibbles can be difficult to resolve or laugh off when you can't look your OH in the eye or hug them. At the beginning we both found it a bit strange when the other one was out, but that does pass. For me it passed when I tried to work through my emotions around it and see what I was really thinking and what I was worried about - I know my OH is loyal and faithful and the worries sort of went away. Try to trace the worry back to see where/what it's originating from and try to address that.

LDRs have some interesting challenges but for us, not doing it was never an option, so I was very lucky. We hope to be in the same country next year.