Worried I will leave having a family too late

LegacyUser

Going anon. Bit embarrassing.

Im 30 and have been in a long term relationship for 8 years. Same age partner. Emigrated a few years back in search of work, both have good jobs and renting, but saving zilch, the city we live is costly.

Most friends at this stage have some savings, are married or are getting married. Some starting families. I feel very stuck. Im not sure I'm all that ready for a family, but when I break the reasons down its because a) cannot afford one, b) have no family or friends around me in this country. I spoke about having a family with my partner a few years back and it was agreed we needed to get our college stuff down, get job experiences etc, save... however the idea of moving to another city in order to save money is a hard one to handle; our jobs are quite specific, which makes finding work quite hard. Id ideally like to be married first, but that's probably even more unlikely the way our finances are!

I find it harder to speak to him now because I find he changes the topic, which is really weird and different from what it used to be like. I recently starting getting fitter, thinking it would be best for my body should I get pregnant in the next few years, and made some dietary changes. He doesnt know this is why, as I think he would think Im bonkers. On my last trip home I had both my mum and grandmother concerned that I wasnt thinking about 'my fertility' and suggesting I think about it. This bothered me. I have spoken to him but I think it stresses him out quite a bit, but he doesnt seem to realise that women's bodies are not like mens; he's a good guy and I am sure he has his reasons for getting stressed out! (I'm not someone who goes on about weddings/babies etc ever so it's not like he is sick of me talking about them!)

Im happy in my job, Im happy enough where I live but would never be able to have a baby in the current circumstances we are in, with no friends or family to help out. I know 30 isnt old, but my mother had her last at 40 and I see how exhausting it is for her and my father; I know plenty of people do it, but I dont want to be an older mum (older than 34 anyways for the first)

Maybe I just need a rant, but it gets me down, maybe especially as I work with new mums and babies a lot, many ten years younger than me. Im on the pill non stop since 2009 also which I am worried will affect the timeline to get pregnant.

Agh, all some compliated Im not sure what it is from people here, maybe just some assurance I am not insane??

Ellsbells

You are not insane but the issue is that you cant talk to your Oh about it cos he is changing the subject... Is his changing his mind about having kids? You need to know that.

Explain about the biological clock and talk about when you want to have kids. there is never a good time but as its important to you, sooner rather than later is better.

Nanazolie

To answer your question about the pill: some women get off the pill after 10 years and they get pregnant straight away. Some only took it for a few months and it takes them years to get pregnant. The pill doesn't affect your ability to get pregnant when you stop it, it might take a month or 2 for your cycles to go back to normal but then it's all about your initial fertility. If it's good in the first place, it will still be good after 3 years on the pill

Re the family, both my husband and myself are foreigners and have no family in Ireland. It makes life with kids a tad bit harder, because when the kids are sick we need to take time off work, we can't ask our parents to mind them. It also means we travel more to allow the kids to see their grandparents and obviously it's a big budget. However, our friends have proven a great help, our kids wear hand-me downs from friends' kids, we got some second hand furnitures, children equipment, etc. Budget wise, it helped a lot.
I'm not sure which country you live in, but the costs of raising a child is actually in childcare and healthcare more than kitting them out. You can get second hand things on the internet, or even for free, but when you pay 100s in creche fees there is not much you can do. This is what you will have to factor in

As for your partner, I think you did the right thing in explaining him about the female fertility decrease, but don't make it feel like it's a timing issue. If you pressure him, he will feel like your lovemaking is all about producing a baby and it will have the opposite effect to what you are looking for

Nanazolie

and 30 is not old to have babies, but you have to factor in the time it may take you. I started trying for a child aged 30, my first child was only born 2 years later. However, the 2nd time around it only took a few months, but that's something you won't know before you try for a baby

LegacyUser

Thank you both very much.

I am very much of the opinion alright that I will be doing second hand stuff; I have no problem at all with that! I guess, like you Nanozile, it's not having people around me to help, I tend to get quite low at times and fear I may be prone to PND, so it would be nice to have even a friend to call over. I know I sound like I have all the negatives worked out, and at this stage I am miles off even getting pregnant, but there is a timescale nonetheless!

We couldnt afford it the way and place we live now, even if we made cutbacks, the city costs. In order to have a little family we would need to move to a cheaper city, or home, settle and save a bit, make friends and then fingers crossed there would be no delays etc! Personally Id love to throw a little tiny wedding in there too as Im kinda traditional but that could go! All that stuff will take years for anyone.

Yeah thanks for making me feel no so bonkers!! It gets to me so much somedays. Interesting point you made about lovemaking just becoming 'functioning'; I make sure to make my conversation come at a good time.

edellc

I was on the pill from 2001 until 2009, I came off it in August and was pregnant in December so it really just depends, I was also 31, we rent and I had recently lost my job,no saving as I live in the capital and its fierce expensive, I also have no family other than my partner of 13years with me. I never really wanted kids as I liked my life as it was but body clock kicked in around 30 and it was either go for it now or never so thats what we did and it was the best decision I have ever made, I love my little man and could never ever imagine life with out him.

There is no right time to get pregnant and its something you really cant plan for as you dont know if and when you will get pregnant it may take months or it could take years it just depends.

You really need to sit down with your OH and have a serious conversation about this and your body clock, see if he wants kids and if not then thats another issue for you and he to deal with...if he does then tell him that you are thinking of coming off the pill and would like to try and see what happens.

Yes you have a good job and are in a city with no family as you put it, but you do have family with you...the person you live with, so what if there is no ring you are together 8years and that says a lot and its longer than some marriages..if you do get pregnant then you can have maternity leave and there are always creches once you decide to go back to work.

Life has a funny way of working its self out and if I had a choice between being a worker ant making someone else filthy rich and having a family I know which I would choose now...do you really want to have regrets on your death bed, life if for living, work is just something you do in between and having a baby is the most special gift you will ever be blessed with. Go with you heart OP we only ever have one life, so go make you happy

Peace and love OP x

Neyite

I had a similar conversation with my partner at age 33. I sometimes think that some men dont understand the time frame - they think that if they have unprotected sex, hey presto, a baby!

So, one night we were sitting in sharing a bottle of wine and started chatting non-specific about children.It was a nice convo, not a "chat" if you get me. I asked him how many (hypothetical) children he would like, he said 3 at least. So I broke down the numbers for him:

It can take up to a year to conceive, sometimes longer. +1
A year per child - pregnancy etc +3
Allowing for miscarrige /infertility issues, even lifestyle changes between pregnancies, add another year or two at least. So by then I had totalled 6 years, and then reminded him that 40 is generally the "safe" cutoff point.

Off he went and had a think about it, then came in one day and said that he wanted us to start trying. He just hadnt realised the length of time that creating a family would take.

As it happens, we were slow to get pregnant, needing fertility medications to nudge things along and I got pregnant at 36, and had my son 3 months ago aged 37. If we are lucky, we might squeeze another one or two in there, but we do feel very blessed with what we have regardless.

LegacyUser

Thanks again, I think I replied to quickly last time and I didnt get to comment on all the replies. My OH is a good lad, he does want kids but I think maybe he is a bit shocked at how quickly we have to think about this stuff; he's more concerned with the fact we are finally living together in a new city, having both of us lived at home for so long! I commented on a tv show I reallly enjoyed the other night called The Midwives or something, and just as I started he changed the topic and asked if I had closed the windows upstairs ?! Clearly avoiding the topic and I know it stresses him but Id rather talk it out and acknowledge it stresses him and that it stresses me too, a shared feeling rather than one carrying it alone!

The advice here has been so incredibly helpful, thank you so much all of of you. I was beginning to feel a bit mad! If I accidently got pregnant tomorrow we would be in really financial problems, but I know so many others do an do it so well! I dont intend to but would prefer a plan.

Its time to open the wine and have another talk methinks (if I can get him to sit long enough!)

Nanazolie

A few months after meeting my husband, we were both 25, not long in the country, we started talking about potential children. The consensus was that we both wanted several, but later. When we both had a good job. When we both felt it would be the right time

Turns out we started when I was 30, my husband had resigned from his job to visit his dad who was sick. I got pregnant when he had just found a new job. We had blown all our savings on our apartment. And when I asked him if it was the right time for him, he said "it will never be the right time for me. I'm unable to make such a life changing decision, because there will always be a valid reason to postpone it. So just go for it, and when I'm facing the 'fait accompli', I'll try to be ready". Same for the second time, he just left the responsibility to me. He is the most loving, fantastic dad a child could ask for. And I know he wants more, but if I asked him it would always be the same answers: we can't afford another one. I need a few years of good sleep before starting all over again... etc...
May be you OH is the same, he wants to eschew the responsibility of the decision making?

Ellsbells

You would always make friends at a mother and toddler group in a new town

okiss

You are 30 and living with your boyfriend. I would chat to him and tell him that you would like to try for a baby by the time you are x age. I would explain to him that it may take you a while to get pregnant and you want to give yourself the best chance possible for this to happen. I would explain to him that fertility declines as you get older and if you need help with this being younger will give you better odds.
Some men are a bit clueless about this.
You need to know that he wants children at this stage as you don't want him to tell you in a few years I have no interest in having children.
By having this conversation now it will help you both to plan were you want to be in the next 3 years. If it is the case that you need to change job, move city or move back to Ireland it gives you time to do this.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for your helpful advice and comments. I did speak about it, and I think he was a bit surprised that I felt he never brought the issue up..

There is no quick fix naturally, we have a lot to 'fit in' and unfort very little possibility of moving anywhere to save money; we simply wouldnt get jobs in our line in Ire but elsewhere, maybe. Decided to stay put for another bit anyways, and be a bit more open about this stuff again; Im not sure why I kept it all on. But Id rather have a little saved before we have a little family first.