Age gap becoming a bit of a problem

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I am 6 months into a relationship with a man who is 12 years older than me and 99% of the time we are well suited. However, he is very set in his ways. I am late 20s and he is early 40s. He had been single a long time when we met (15 years) and while he runs a successful business, has his own home and is very independent, he is very happy with the way his life is. And mostly I admire that and have no real desire to change him.

The problem is that he is a real home bird. He has his routine and doesn't like to deviate from it at all. He has initiated some things at the start of our relationship and that was great. But now it's like he thinks I should be just happy to sit in the pub on a Saturday night and that's our social life. Don't get me wrong, he has no problems with ME going anywhere, alone. I'm not from here so regularly travel to my home county and go away with my friends to various places. But I also want to experience new things with him.

Recently I told him I wanted to go to a nearby city for a day out, just me and him. He protested saying he had to be there to open and close the business (which he has to do 7 days a week) and I said that was fine, we'd go after opening and be back before closing. But he is still saying no.

I am really p*ssed off. I've given him a couple of weeks notice and he won't make the effort at all. I feel like that while he is so generous and kind, he is not willing to go outside of his comfort zone for me at all whereas I do for him. I've attended local family functions with him and met all his family. I've helped out with the business even though I knew nothing about it. But he hasn't met any of my family because he's never been to my home town. And it's looking like he never will. Which upsets me.

He expects me to slot neatly into his established life and routine. But I want more than that. I spent my 20s in a LTR, buying a house, having a raising children (very young when I had them) and now I am hitting a stage where I have more money, more independence as the kids are older and I want to enjoy it before getting married and having more kids with someone else. But he has had a couple of decades of relative freedom and just seems to want to settle into old married life before we're even married.

I don't know if I'm just in bad form because he's taken all the good out of the plan to go off for the day. Or if I'm seriously reconsidering if we have a major problem.

Ellsbells

Younger wrote: »

he hasn't met any of my family because he's never been to my home town. And it's looking like he never will.

Why in the name of god not, especially as its important to you??? Thats very strange.

People of all ages can be set in their ways but it seems to me that you are just at entirely different stages of life.. As you say, he is willing to settle down and you have already done the 'being tied to the house' bit of life and want to see the world.

My friend married a guy who owned a shop and it was always a great excuse for only doing what he wanted to do and I expect this is the same here. he wont change at this stage so dont think that marriage / living together will make him mend his ways as they wont. is this what you want?

LegacyUser

Thanks for your reply.
I don't think he would mind meeting my family but I don't see how it will happen when he won't go anywhere with me for a day or weekend.
I know the business isn't doing well enough to be able to pay someone to cover for him for a weekend so I can appreciate that isn't able to go places.

The thing is, I know I'd be happy with him. He would make an amazing husband and father. But for me, while I'd be happy to settle into a quieter, more mundane kind of life with him when/if we decide to have more children together, it's the start of our relationship. It's the time to have fun and adventure together and make memories and do things. Because I know from experience that tends to very much go on the backburner when babies arrive. For a few years anyway. So I want to spend a year or two more being young I guess.

It's not as though he's stopping me doing it. I can go where I want and he is actually really supportive of me doing things I want to do. He just doesn't want to do anything himself that might alter his routine.

But he gets such joy out of showing me new things about his life and having me meet his friends and family and see his house and his business. But he doesn't see how that would all bring me joy to do the same with him.

He has totally integrated me into his life, 100%. But I'm not feeling the same in return. Although that's my fault too because I held off for a number of months before he met my kids so I suppose I haven't really helped things either.

Ellsbells

Ok - you have completely backtracked to justify why you are with him so can you now be happy??? I am confused what the problem is now cos you seem to have made excuses for all his flaws which were annoying you in the first post....

LegacyUser

I'm not backtracking - I'm stating that I understand why a full weekend away to meet my family (as a day trip wouldn't work) would be a problem and that it is looking likely that he will rarely if ever be able to come to my home town, meet my extended family at family occasions etc. That upsets me, but I know his reasons for it and understand them.

However, the problem I have is that he is not willing to give up one day to do something with me and that I can't understand. He can easily give me that but is dragging his heels because he doesn't like to do different things.

I'm not saying he WON'T meet my family. He will. But I don't know when or how it will happen unless they come here because he can't go to them. And yes, that bothers me even though it isn't a choice he is making.

However, the issue of the day trip is a choice he is making. And I am annoyed because I am making all these concessions for him and his business and not trying to change him or his life. If I stay with him then all the things I have been doing for years like holidaying alone, attending weddings and family functions alone etc, I will still be doing that. I will be the one whose husband never comes to anything with her. Unless it's the local pub on a Saturday night.

And again, while that side of things isn't a choice he has, he can still do things with me during the day if he chooses. And he chooses no and that bothers me.

Ellsbells

OP again wrote: »

I'm not backtracking - I'm stating that I understand why a full weekend away to meet my family (as a day trip wouldn't work) would be a problem and that it is looking likely that he will rarely if ever be able to come to my home town, meet my extended family at family occasions etc. That upsets me, but I know his reasons for it and understand them.

However, the problem I have is that he is not willing to give up one day to do something with me and that I can't understand. He can easily give me that but is dragging his heels because he doesn't like to do different things.

I'm not saying he WON'T meet my family. He will. But I don't know when or how it will happen unless they come here because he can't go to them. And yes, that bothers me even though it isn't a choice he is making.

However, the issue of the day trip is a choice he is making. And I am annoyed because I am making all these concessions for him and his business and not trying to change him or his life. If I stay with him then all the things I have been doing for years like holidaying alone, attending weddings and family functions alone etc, I will still be doing that. I will be the one whose husband never comes to anything with her. Unless it's the local pub on a Saturday night.

And again, while that side of things isn't a choice he has, he can still do things with me during the day if he chooses. And he chooses no and that bothers me.

Ok I understand. I think you need to explain how important meeting your family is because it is... Its an issue for you. Why is it too far to travel in a day? Can he not even get a family member to open ip one day?

Look, to be frank, if these things are annoying you so much now they will only get worse. My friend is basically a work widow for the same reasons - he needs to open up and close as well. She goes on holidays alone, weddings and brings the kids to everything.

the point is - nothing will change unless he sells the business so can you live like that forever and ever amen?

daisybelle2008

You are getting yourself worked up and making this a problem, is that necessary? I would say for your own sake try to come to a place where you accept him fully and understand he is doing the best he is capable (as a stuck in his ways homebird!). That's his personality and It is not easy change a man ;-). You seem to have a great relationship. Going to events on your own seems to me to be a small sacrifice (and can be fun, it maintains your independence in a healthy way)

It is really your choice to accept this or keep hitting your head against a brick wall and putting yourself in bad form. To be honest if I was you I think I would not make this a major issue. But you know best how you can deal with it. Nobody is perfect and accepting him warts and all and not looking at it negatively is one way to go. The path of least resistance.

LegacyUser

Yeah, I guess it's just a matter of weighing up his positives and his negatives. I suppose when I was single I was watching couples go off together on weekends away and holidays etc and I was looking forward to meeting someone and doing "couple" things. I know that stuff isn't necessarily sustainable in the long run.

It's like he offers me everything I ever wanted for my future. I can happily live like this, but in a few years. Not right now. Now, I want to do the romantic, whimsical things and that won't happen with him. But I can see myself living a long and happy, secure and stable, content life with him.

The reason I think it's the age gap is because I suppose I had in my head that I would "date" someone (and do all the couple stuff) for a couple of years, then get married and a year or two later, have more kids. That would bring me to about 34 or 35 but will take him to nearly 50. So I think he is keener to get into the serious settled relationship because he would like marriage sooner rather than later.
Also from viewing his family, they are all very like this. My family, the couples tend to go places together. His family are more the women and the kids going places while the men work and provide. A cultural thing I guess. In my family the women are the main earners.

I think I just wanted to plan something nice for him because he is so nice to me and treats me really well and he's made it into something negative which is frustrating.

daisybelle2008

OP again wrote: »

I think I just wanted to plan something nice for him because he is so nice to me and treats me really well and he's made it into something negative which is frustrating.

He's made it into something negative . You are the one getting 'annoyed, upset and bothered' by him. He is just being himself. Your lack of acceptance of him is what's causing the problem.
Really try to be more positive about the situation. If you are going to stay in the relationship I would definitely start trying to be a bit more positive and always look on the bright side. It will make your life and relationship a lot easier.

Ellsbells

Well OP, lets be straight - you knew what he was like when you got involved and now you are trying to change him..

There seems to be huge lifestyle and personality differences between you.... I am not a believer in 'love conquers all', I think compatibility conquers all...

this says it all

OP again wrote: »

. I can happily live like this, but in a few years. Not right now.

LegacyUser

So I shouldn't expect any sort of compromise at all from him? Ever?

To me a relationship is about comparability but it is also about compromise. I don't necessarily relish going to his local and sitting with his mates every weekend but I do it because I want to spend time with him and this is what he likes doing.
I don't expect him to drop his business for days on end so he can take me on holidays. I don't expect him to do anything really. But I can't ask for a few hours of time with him away from the house/business to do something that I would like to do? And it's not even something that I want to do, it's something I want to do for him, that I know he will enjoy.

He just wants to hang out at my house or at his and yes, it gets boring. His job is varied and he does lots of different things, is outdoors a lot and travelling here and there. I work in an office job where it's the same thing day in and out and I like a bit of variety. So does he but he gets that in his job whereas I don't.
And no, I don't think it's unreasonable for me to ask that one every month or two we do something that I'd like to do together without having to coax him into it.

stargazer 68

OP again wrote: »

And no, I don't think it's unreasonable for me to ask that one every month or two we do something that I'd like to do together without having to coax him into it.

No its not unreasonable OP. I dont think its the age thing though - its just his way.

Im in my 40s and my bf is 50 (together 6 months too) . We are always out and about - weekends away and just back from holiday together. I have met his family and him mine - kids and all. So age has nothing to do with it.

Unfortunately it seems that you have to decide if this is what you want because he doesnt seem to be willing to compromise.

curlzy

Hey OP,

I'm 30. I broke up with a guy 6 years ago because he was boring (we were together for 5 years). All we ever did was sit in and watch t.v or I'd mind his kid while he worked (he worked every day), or once a week we'd sit in pub for a while. I broke up with him and have since done everything on my buckets list, i.e swam with dolphins in Hawaii, hugged a giant redwood tree, swam in underground caverns and tonnes more. Look you can talk yourself into accepting boredom because it's safe and reliable but you'll wake up in a while and realise that safe and reliable meaning f*cking nothing because you'll look at him and all you'll see is a boring old man. The thing with being tied to the job would be a dealbreaker for me, you only live once and I certainly wouldn't be happy being tied to a 10 mile radius of any place in Ireland. Seriously OP, just call it a day and go find someone to have some fun with is my advice, it sounds to me like you're talking yourself into this relationship but at the end of the day you sound stifled and bored.

Incidentally 2 months after I broke it off with the ex I met my fiancee, he was there to swim with the dolphins and hug the trees with me, I shudder to think I could be sitting in with the old man rather than have adventures with the love of my life like I am now.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Ah but the problem with that advice is that I am the mother of two young kids. I am already tied here. Tied to this location, this job, this area. Because of their schools and father and my financial obligations to them.

I can't just leave and go swimming with the dolphins. It's not on my radar. And in fact, the main things I actually want to do in the next 20 years are to get married and have more children. I mean, I do want to have holidays and weekends away but I'm not really one for upping and emigrating. So it's not like I'm some flighty young one with no commitments who can decide to take off on a whim. And I don't mind. When I say I want to travel, I mean I want two weeks a year in a sunny climate with a pool and then to come home. I like home.

I'm obviously just not expressing myself very well but I'm just annoyed with him over the fact that I put a lot of thought into giving him a lovely day out and he doesn't want it. It's like making a lovely meal and him just coming in, wolfing it down and not noticing that I've made the effort.

He's suggested a compromise which is to go out to dinner in a local restaurant so I guess that will do for now and I'll take the money I would have spent on him and go on a spa break with my girlfriends and try to just accept that is the way things are going to be if I want to stay with him. Which I do.

Piliger

Hi OP. I think I do understand where you are at. It's not a deal breaker issue - it is just an unbalanced situation where he is not putting his part of the effort and you are.

I know you have argued with him about and spoken to him about but I think the only way to deal with this is to get stuck in to talking to him about again.

You really need to convey how you 'feel' about this imbalance. Not just argue about the logistics. He needs to wake up to the way his intransigence over this issue it making you unhappy and frustrated.

It's not like you are asking for heaven and earth. And his compromise is just not enough.

Pick a good time and sit him down and talk only about your feelings about all of this. Tell him is it spoiling your happiness and your relationship. Tell him how you FEEL.

His attitude to the 7 day weeks business is just an excuse. Make it clear to him that you need change. You need him to find a way to change. If he really wants to he can find a way.

The Princess Bride

Perhaps it's not the age gap at all.
Could it be that this is just the way he has always been and always will be?
If he has been single for 15 years,chances are,he's not gonna change for anybody,
And if he is happy,perhaps,he just can't see that he needs to adapt.

Yes- we sometimes have to adapt within a relationship,
You say you do not want to change him-yet it sounds like you do.

I think you have to ask yourself,if the 99% of the time you are suited is really enough for you?
Not sure if anybody can get 100%-tbh.

LegacyUser

Well, after we agreed to the dinner out, he rang me last night apologising for being so difficult. He said he didn't like the idea of me paying for him for something but said he realised he was being awkward. So he said he wants to go on this day out.
I thanked him for the compromise and said that I hoped the next time I wanted to treat him to something I wouldn't have such a battle on my hands. And that I get as much enjoyment out of treating him as he does out of treating me and that I am looking forward to it.


So it's obviously just difficult for him to let someone else take control for a while but at least he came to his own realisation that he was being a bit daft about it.

Ellsbells

I don't see his issue with you paying your way but each to their own. That's good op.

Piliger

Hi OP. I am happy to hear the good news.

I think this is a project you need to work on in the coming months and years. This guy needs to be eased forward bit by bit and it sounds to me like you are well capable of doing it. But you MUST do it for your own good and for your relationship, or he will never change.