A "separated" woman who's trying to date. (I should just see a therapist!)

AddictedToLove

Apologies! This situation description isnt as short as I'd hoped it would be. Click back if you dont want to read a long story. I want responses, but if I dont get any because my post is too long, at least I'll have cyber-vented!

My husband and I have been separated for 8 months now. I've recently been interested in another man. I have an evening job in which I see this same man (the incredibly mysterious handsome and intelligent manager) every Tuesday. For the past couple of months, he and I were having really nice flirty conversations. At the end of July, we finally decided to exchange numbers and get together outside of work. He's very busy and spends almost 12 hours at work every night so I let him pick the date and time. He asked "is it weird that Im excited? I cant wait. I feel like a kid on Christmas eve."

I went to his place, he cooked me dinner, made me drinks, played great records, and we talked about everything under the sun. We have way too much in common, same sign, same tendencies, same everything, so it made me proceed with caution. He asked about my marital status, and many other "serious" topics that I wasnt prepared to discuss. He genuinely wanted to know what I was going through. So I opened up, regretfully. We had an intense make-out session, we watched a movie on the couch. Drank some more. Kissed some more. All the couples-type of things you should never do while on a first date, we did em anyway.


We spent the rest of night, AND the next morning, AND early afternoon talking and passionately kissing. No sex. I tried to push for it, but he he kept assuring me there was no need to rush even though he wanted to dive in-so to speak. (Either way, it was an amazing connection for a first date. Prior to my husband, I'd dated many different types of men. This one had me smitten. Had to keep it under wraps.) Upon leaving, he said we'd get together in a few days. I went home feeling confused, but I let it go.

After a few days of no texts from him, I (again regretfully but playfully) texted to ask if I'd have to wait till Tuesday to see him. Then the curve ball gets thrown...

He says he's not feeling social, he's gloomy, self-loathing, and shouldnt be around anyone until this emo stage passes. I said "I completely understand what it means when a man says he 'needs time' so no worries. (C'mon we all know what that usually means)

He tells me "thats exactly what I dont want you to think, and its not about seeing someone else either, I feel that needs to be said." I told him that wasnt my concern, and that he needed to tell me if I should let him alone. He says "no, love on me when you see me, and text me, I will text you too. I just need some time to work out my issues, but I love spending time with you, and want to have more of it. Till then, I become a hermit." I told him right away that I realize he's busy, and I've got issues to work out too, so its okay if we maintain a casual realtionship by talking and seeing each other whenever we are available. No muss, no fuss. He said that was perfect.

I sent a couple of texts a few days later, but his responses were short, so I stopped all together.

Since then, 2 weeks have passed. When I see him, we say hello and make small talk, nothing more. Saw him last night, told him I've been feeling much better about my situation and that I have a new lease on life. He tells me he's still in his "gloomy" state. When we hugged good-bye, I say "lets get together again, sooner than later. Call me." I winked. He says "Okay, yeah we can help each other heal." Not sure what to make of that.

Mind you, he has not texted or called for 2 weeks. Neither have I. After last night, I assumed if he wanted to pursue me, or if his self-issues had been resolved, he'd have contacted me. He has not.

I want to text. Since we're casual, and there shouldnt be any rules. But its safe to say I should to let it be, right?

Ellsbells

Let it be... You have made more than enough effort so it's his turn. Dunno what his issue is but I think you need to chalk this one up to experience

AddictedToLove

Agreed. I plan to let him make the next move. Kind of awkward that we have to see each other every week though. I've been advised to keep up my "play it cool" attitude whenever I see him. Frustrating, but I know its the smartest choice.

Ellsbells

I would go beyond waiting for him to do anything and move on.... why waste the chance to meet someone else by pining for this guy.. Plenty of nice men out there. Smile and be polite to him, stop texting him and if he comes running then fine but I would not keep nipping at him with texts as it may start to annoy him.

username123

Totally move on - what a head wrecker. There are a number of possibilities and none of them palatable tbh - do you want to be babysitting an attention seeking teenagery grown man who goes into emo like moods periodically? Or do you want to be dating someone who blows hot and cold as it pleases them and you are expected to hang around and be ready whenever? Or worst of all, do you want to be dating someone who maybe has a different agenda likes to keep two lives separate? Move on and find a man who behaves like a reasonable adult.

fungun

agree with other posters, you cant just hang around for him....if he really has issues that mean he is unavailable to you he needs to explain them more than he has. But then again you havent had a long time to 'connect'.
Id be moving on in my head for sure

AddictedToLove

Thanks everyone. I've heard a lot of "let it go" advice. And I agree that for the time being, thats whats best.

The way I see it, its casual between us, so why worry about who contacts whom first, just go with the flow and try to keep things light when we see each other each Tuesday. Let him work through his issues, and I can resolve and conclude whats happening with my marriage/separation.

Physically speaking, ignoring someone as beautiful as this man will be quite a challenge. When I look at him, the desire is quite different from the usual attraction.

I'm used to getting what I want, and not having him is bothering me more than I thought it would. Its not about the catch, its about him. Come on ladies, we hate when we can't get what we want! ::sigh:: I thought the "separation" issue would bother him, but he seemed interesting in meeting again. Perhaps after these 2 weeks, he's changed his mind. Theres not much communication happening! Oh well, thats what you sign up for with a "casual agreement "

The Princess Bride

Starting new relationships after a separation is sometimes difficult,and can take a bit of getting used to.
For one thing,all the rules seem to be different.(There used never be rules!!!)

Take your own advice-and go with the flow!
Keep smiling and have lots of fun- if not with him,then with someone else!

Piliger

Hi OP. Normally I ask people to be patient and understanding etc. But this guys is behaving extremely strangely. He is. And I think that you are being somewhat overly tolerant.
I think you are worth much much better than to have to cope with this behaviour. And you need to stop rationalising it .. it is weird.

Sorry to be negative. Best of luck.

AddictedToLove

msthe80s: youre SO right. Im going with the flow. And I have seen someone else during this 2 weeks of no contact time with mr. gloomy. New guy was fun, but a few years younger than me, immature, with almost nothing intellectually stimulating to offer. So that was a dud.

Piliger: for some reason I have rationalized it because the past few months getting to know him in the work place, there were no strange warning signs. Trust me, I see them right away, and I've always made the choice to avoid a man at the first sign of something really off. Either way, since we agreed to keep things casual, I suppose that explains the tolerance level.

Someone in another forum advised that since he felt comfortable enough to tell me about his true gloomy state, that I should at least get some hard facts before taking a step further with him. I want to show him I care, but thats not what people in "casual arrangements" do! Ha!

Stavro Mueller

Weird. I just wonder did he make up that gloomy emo story as a means of ending things? He might not be into you, he might regret having told you personal stuff or he might be regretting going out with a work mate. It sounds a bit suspicious to me.

Mighty_Mouse

Firstly, it's not odd for a man to not want sex on a first date.

We spent the rest of night, AND the next morning, AND early afternoon talking and passionately kissing

Ok, it was a great 1st date but keep the context in mind.
It's still early stages.
This could be the start of a romance or a friendship, I would keep an open mind.

Basically, either he is just not that into you or he suffers from periodic bouts of depression or its a combination of the 2.

I get the feeling from his responses that it's the latter.
If fact he couldn't of been more straight-up about it:

-he's not feeling social, he's gloomy, self-loathing, and shouldnt be around anyone until this emo stage passes..........

-thats exactly what I dont want you to think, and its not about seeing someone else either, I feel that needs to be said.........

- I will text you too. I just need some time to work out my issues, but I love spending time with you, and want to have more of it. Till then, I become a hermit.

Your general response has been one frustration that things aren't going according to your pre-designated romance plan.

"I completely understand what it means when a man says he 'needs time' so no worries. (C'mon we all know what that usually means)

Eh no?

A less self-involved, more human response, would of been.... is this a regular thing?, are you ok, do you need anything....?

I've got issues to work out too,

Do you know unsympathetic that sounds?

we hugged good-bye, I say "lets get together again, sooner than later. Call me." I winked.

It's completely up to you to decide whether you want this person in your life.
If he happens to suffer from regular bouts of depression, he just can't help it.
Leave him be, he probably realises how this appears to someone who doesn't understand it (which is prob why he was so quick to explain it).

But he also knows his own processes for coming through it. He knows it passes like a cloud lifting.

He may not be what you are looking for in a potential partner but it seems he could make a solid male friend?
You clearly have connection with this person. Stop being so girly, demanding and awkward and be more kind, honest and straightforward.

AddictedToLove

Mighty_Mouse: Thanks so much, this really is is wonderful advice! I agree that I could have been more considerate of his feelings. Just not sure if its appropriate at this early stage.

I want to be "kind honest and straight forward," as you say, but then you also said to leave him be. You're right, theres a very clear connection and chemistry between us, I feel as though should reach out instead of ignore him the way I have, I'm just not sure how to go about doing this causally. That's why I've just let it be rather than try to be there for him.

BBDBB

Some interesting views put forward,

I do think there is merit in not simply giving up on him, you have a strong connection. Given its rarity that may well be worth waiting around for.

As I see it, yer man is etiher genuinely toubled or being a bit overly dramatic for his own reasons. I see little benefit to you in walking away so early. Stick around for a bit (not forever) just long enough........I think Mighty mouse makes a good point regarding your view of how things should be. Just back off a wee bit, give him the space he has asked for but be available if he wants to talk about it. Also you can still be friends even if the physical side isnt there

Good luck

Piliger

I think that it is not a matter of what is ailing this guy - but that he is not being honest about it. That, in my view, is a very bad sign for the future.

BBDBB

Piliger wrote: »

I think that it is not a matter of what is ailing this guy - but that he is not being honest about it. That, in my view, is a very bad sign for the future.

perhaps I read it incorrectly but I thought he was being honest but private about something he is struggling to deal with.....that kind of vulnerability is difficult to share

Mighty_Mouse

I think that it is not a matter of what is ailing this guy - but that he is not being honest about it.

What more can he say?

OP,it's all about balance.
Personally, I like to give people the benefit of the doubt (once).

I agree that I could have been more considerate of his feelings. Just not sure if its appropriate at this early stage.

It's always appropriate.

I'm used to getting what I want, and not having him is bothering me more than I thought it would

For me, this is the part of you which is coming through the most.
Whilst you are prepared to not text for long periods, it's more a game of cat-and-mouse with you.

You come across as quite sassy which is fine if the guy is able for ya.

Maybe it's depression, maybe it's personal issues, he's confidence is shot, maybe it's long-term or short-term...who know's?

If it's a short-term rough patch.
I would say "slow down", park the raging desire for a minute!, get to know this guy personally. Form a friendship & if it is meant to be, it will grow from there.

Disclaimer:
It could easily turn out this guy is a player or idiot or a genuine self-pitying emo..!!

Piliger

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

What more can he say?

......

Maybe it's depression, maybe it's personal issues, he's confidence is shot, maybe it's long-term or short-term...who know's?

.....

Disclaimer:
It could easily turn out this guy is a player or idiot or a genuine self-pitying emo..!!

He could tell her what the issue and the problem is, for a start.