How to become more outgoing & meet people

LegacyUser

Hi,
So this is a straight forward question.

I'm 28 years old, fit, active, have my own apartment, good job, well is well in general, I think I'm an ok guy. I don't mean to blow my own horn or anything, I just mean, I think I have my life together in general.

But I am quite quiet and keep to myself though. The problem is I don't really see anything wrong with that, I'm not loud or in anyone's face, but people seem to react like it's some sort of disease.

I just find it hard in general to meet people, new friends even, but specifically chatting to women. I'm quite shy about approaching a girl and even if I do, I just don't know what to do or say. I'm lost at it.

The last few girls I dated, I met online. They were all nice girls but it didn't work out. I feel like I am done now with online dating. It just takes so much time and effort to even get a sniff of a reply. I'm not conceited, but I just think I'm an ok guy with my life together, I'm nothing special but I've been told I'm not too bad looking and I try to dress well and take care of myself but online you just have to try so so hard trying to prove yourself over and over and failing, while the girls themselves seem to put in minimal effort and quite often "have issues". (I don't mean to generalise, there are some good ones too, but understandably, they are probably bombarded with messages, its impossible to stand out.)

I don't want to meet anyone online anymore. I want to go out and meet people in person, but I admit, my quietness/shyness makes it difficult. I see guys out being very aggressive and over the top being loud and entertaining, it's just not me.

So with that said. How do you "learn" to be a bit better socially? I figure, there must be a way but I don't know how, and it's not really something you can easily ask family or other guys friends. The usual answer is "be yourself", but being myself means I'm usually not noticed.

I hope someone understands my question or may have some advice.

Thank you!

looksee

You don't have to go to night clubs or places where you have to be the 'life and soul of the party'. What are you interested in, what are you good at? Get involved with some sort of group that reflects these, give yourself chance to 'settle in' and just be there when stuff needs to be done. Be reliable.

There's a lot to be said for pleasant, intelligent guys who don't spend all their time calling attention to themselves. You may have to make a bit of an effort to actually smile at people, greet them, chat with them, but that doesn't mean you have to constantly be the joker, the one making all the noise.

Find a group, a sport, an interest that appeals for its own sake, not for the potential girlfriends. Relax and - yes - be yourself. Sort out a social life for yourself and let the girlfriend situation sort itself, as it will in due course, but you have to be out and about to meet people.

LegacyUser

Hi Quietguy,

I can totally relate to your post. I'm in the exact same position. I have my own place, I keep active, I've joined many groups etc. These groups are great and I have made loads of friends but we only meet at the group session. We don't socialise together as most of these people have families or spend time with their own friends. I have taken a stab at the online dating its not for me I'd prefer to meet people the conventional way face to face.

My social life is a little quiet at the weekends. Most of my friends are in relationships. I just think its harder for people in their late 20s early 30s to meet new people as most people have their own circle of friends at that stage. I have tried meetup group and I met a lovely group on that but they don't meet that frequently. That would be my main tip maybe try 'meetup'. It will be interesting to see if anyone comes back with good suggestions.

Sinall

looksee wrote: »

You don't have to go to night clubs or places where you have to be the 'life and soul of the party'. What are you interested in, what are you good at? Get involved with some sort of group that reflects these, give yourself chance to 'settle in' and just be there when stuff needs to be done. Be reliable.

There's a lot to be said for pleasant, intelligent guys who don't spend all their time calling attention to themselves. You may have to make a bit of an effort to actually smile at people, greet them, chat with them, but that doesn't mean you have to constantly be the joker, the one making all the noise.

Find a group, a sport, an interest that appeals for its own sake, not for the potential girlfriends. Relax and - yes - be yourself. Sort out a social life for yourself and let the girlfriend situation sort itself, as it will in due course, but you have to be out and about to meet people.

I agree with looksee completely and would just add one thing. Start being more outgoing by taking really small steps - striking up a conversation with someone new at work (not about work stuff), maybe talk to someone at the gym/at sports events. If someone chats to you be responsive and keep the conversation going for a bit longer than you normally would. Go to some of the boards meet-ups - there's bound to be one reasonably close to where you live. Maybe take a new course or class. This will broaden your social circle but also allow you to mix with new people that you have something in common with. Bit by bit you can make yourself more comfortable with being more outgoing. Best of luck OP!

LegacyUser

Hi, OP again,

So, I get the suggestions but they all assume you know people and already go places like "talk more to someone around you".

I mean, my workplace isn't a very friendly type. People just come, do their work and go. In fairness, if you were at a gym, would you like the guy next to you "striking up a conversation"? I wouldn't. Its not the right time or place.

Like seriously? There is nothing? Nothing can be done about this? I just have to live with it?

Ickle Magoo

quietguy wrote: »

Hi, OP again,

So, I get the suggestions but they all assume you know people and already go places like "talk more to someone around you".

I mean, my workplace isn't a very friendly type. People just come, do their work and go. In fairness, if you were at a gym, would you like the guy next to you "striking up a conversation"? I wouldn't. Its not the right time or place.

Like seriously? There is nothing? Nothing can be done about this? I just have to live with it?

Do you really think social lives begin and end at work or the gym? Then of course there is things that can be done...but you have to be willing to get yourself out there, force yourself out your comfort zone and go do it.

Have a look at clubs and interest groups in your area, google to see what's on, check the classifieds, the supermarket noticeboards, the classes on at the gym, hell there are enough Boards beers and meets if you look on most forums to find an army of friends. Find like-minded people, make some friends and get a good social life, that way you increase the pool of people you meet, increase the amount of people you get introduced to and increase your chances of finding a partner into the bargain.

Best of luck.

Sinall

There's no magic solution unfortunately. The ideas I gave above were just examples and you can try to apply them, if you want, to whichever situation feels appropriate in your own life. I'm really sorry that there aren't any better answers, but if you really want to change that aspect of your life then you definitely have the power to do it! Do things that make you feel more confident. Start small and build up and it will get easier.

lorrieq

It is hard to meet people that you will end up being important in some way in your life after such a stage. But I guess practice makes perfect, the more you are out and about talking to people the more used to it you will become and the more natural/comfortable it will become.