Facing bullies

LegacyUser

Hi,

I'll be returning to college in September and I'm going to have to face someone who has tormented me for the past year+. I've done all of the usual things such as notifying the college of the behaviour, etc after which they spoke to the person in question. I guess I'm wondering if anyone has any advice on how best to deal with having to be in the same environment as a bully. It got really ugly. It was one of the most miserable periods I've been through. I've thought about deferring and all the rest as the prospect of laying eyes on this person fills me with anxiety, but that's not an option now. Any helpful advice would be much appreciated.

SunnyDub1

That's awful Op, sorry to hear what you are going through. Makes my blood boil.

The more you let it upset you the more this bully will take advantage of you. Bullies usually only every bully when they are jealous of you or they have insecurities of their own, and feel the need to take it out on another person.

Be the bigger person go into college and get on with your course, smile, be happy, show you are not bothered and won't let anyone get you down.

If that doesn't work, then I would take it further by going to the guards.

Best of Luck

a fat guy

Can't you tell them to **** off?

This isn't secondary school anymore, if they assault you for returning insults then they'll have to deal with the guards. You've already complained to the college, so you have that to back you up in legal matters too.

Seriously, just fight back and it'll stop.

Dixie Chick

I suppose whats been dealt with here is the fact that its not a "new" bully, its one that has built up years of fears and agression. To be honest, i found that people in collefe have no time for this behaviour....is this your first semester. Is the bullying mental or physical?

LegacyUser

Thanks guys for the replies.

I've told this person to f**k off more than once. I haven't been playing the victim and have been assertive with them. We're adults at the end of the day and I'm well able to take care of myself. This is the first time I've found myself in such a bizarre situation. "Fighting back" led to menacing (for want of a better word) behaviour from their end, which I have brought to the attention of others.

It's very much a mental thing and has been building up for quite a while. It would seem as though I just have to get on with it and deal with having to be in the same environment. Have to say though, it royally pisses me off that others can go around mentally tormenting people without any repercussions/without having to take any responsibility for their actions.

willfromcork

Hi! I went to an IT and I experienced some rally bad bullying in the first semester last year off a group of girls and the weird thing is I am a guy. I was really badly mentally bullied by these girls and they made me feel like a complete fool they really undermined me. They basically forbid-ed other people from talking to me. I can remember my first college class party.
It was in September and I had was kind of excited because it was my first night out in the city. So,I went out and these girls really badly bullied me and I was really excluded from the group. I quietly slipped away from the group that night and I went back to my apartment and I can still clearly remember standing in my bathroom mirror and I was basically crying. I decided that I just had to make ago if it. I made friends with people by helping them and basically making them laugh. I am known as one of the funniest guys in the class now and people like. I still don't get on with these girls but honestly they mean nothing to me. Bullying does not magically disappear in college to be honest with you.The only thing is you have more freedom to meet new people go on class nights out and meet up with people. You will also might be living away from home and living in an apartment you can talk to your room mates and people in other apartments.

looksee

You feel confident to look after yourself, so what you are dealing with is someone who is a tedious nuisance. So don't rise, don't act as though you feel you need to demonstrate how unafraid you are, just look pityingly and walk away. No matter what he says, don't respond. Nothing that he says matters.

Is he on his own in this? If he has supporters and he is winding you turn the 'you poor gullible eejits' look on them, pity them for their sheep behaviour. Just be bored and uninvolved with him, and get on with your studies and your freinds.

Roisy7

Don't engage with the person at all OP. Don't give them the satisfaction. As other posters say, walk away if they start their ****e and I would say, don't say hi to them, don't speak to them, just basically act as they are invisible.

To posters saying who say that you are both adults and you should be able to handle it, bullying does happen in college. It happened to me-twice- and it was a horrible experience. Yes, you are all adults and there should be a big campus between ye, but you cannot always avoid people in your social group. In fact I would say bullying in college is a much lonelier experience, because you are away from home and cannot go home to your parents every night. Then there is the expectation that college should be a great adventure full of new friends and experiences. You really do feel like there is something wrong with you if you get bullied in college- despite it not being your fault. I'm sorry it happened to you OP.

I know it's frustrating that there are seemingly no consequences for the bully, but remember there is a severe lack in them to do this to you, and deep down they are seriously unhappy.

Good luck OP don't hesitate to go to your SU or the counselling service in college if you are feeling overwhelmed. Both are usually brilliant.

LegacyUser

I know how you feel as well. I've had an ongoing issue in my workplace with a colleague who has been bullying me. It's frustrating because it continues to rumble on. This person has been warned etc. and is now just about doing enough to stay on the right side of the law.

People who've not been bullied don't understand just how shattering an experience it is. It's easy to say "tell them to f-off" or "just ignore them" but that can be easier said than done. Especially if you find yourself at the stage where you're at. Besides, some people are just better at rising above these things than others.

What I found helped beyond belief was counselling. I didn't realize until the counselling started just how hurt and terrorized I was by this person. It helped on two counts. One was getting all this pent-up hurt and anxiety out of my system. The other was coping mechanisms to help myself deal with the bully, not to mention some practical advice.

I would advise you to seek out the college counsellor and make an appointment. I don't think you have anything to lose by going to see them and it could help you enormously. I'm sorry to hear the college hasn't helped. From my own experience and that of someone else I know, workplaces aren't always the best with dealing with this issue head on.

Take care xx

filmbuffboy

OP if this person bullies you or intimidates you even once more, notify the college about it again and remind the college of their own conduct of behaviour charter, all colleges will have strict rules on bullying with expulsion as a possible outcome for the agressor.

dont put up with it, and tell the college that they are not doing their job if the bullying continues.

keep fighting the good fight. bullys are cowards.

try to stay with someone else at all times while on campus until it dies down.

this person who has caused you hassle must be an absolute twat. just saying:D

Roisy7

filmbuffboy wrote: »

OP if this person bullies you or intimidates you even once more, notify the college about it again and remind the college of their own conduct of behaviour charter, all colleges will have strict rules on bullying with expulsion as a possible outcome for the agressor.

dont put up with it, and tell the college that they are not doing their job if the bullying continues.

I don't want to be negative but it would have to be something incredibly serious for the college itself to get involved. For example, universities have had students arrested for rag week offences without any academic consequences whatsoever. Colleges don't care. Depending on how big the college is, you may have to go through weeks of red tape even to get some sort of disciplinary hearing together.

A far better solution would be to go to the students' union if this person keeps harrassing you. Or if your course is small, go to a lecturer or dean you trust, they might be able to help you. Again, don't want to be harsh, but bullying in college is really dismissed by officialdom so I wouldn't hold out much hope. SU, counsellors, last resort, the guards: these will be the people that will help.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for the replies. I really appreciate the advice and understanding replies. The college have been helpful to some degree. It's more my own fears when it comes to facing someone who has driven me to the edge over the past year.
I went to see a counsellor about it, as I became quite depressed over the situation. Funnily enough, I emailed the SU rep for welfare and he never even responded to my email. Go figure.
I did get support from other officials within the college though.
Thanks filmbuffboy :-) I'll be taking this advice on board.
@Bulliedtoo, I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through in work. I really hope that this person backs off and begins to understand the gravity of their actions sooner rahter than later,x
@Roisy7Thank you for your kind words. I'll take that on board and I'm sorry to hear you've had to go through this **** too.
Again, thank you all. X

LegacyUser

I agree with Roisy7. Bullying is a subject that sends some organisations running to the hills. Even in primary school, the track record for dealing with bullying is very chequered. In a case I've heard of, they brought both parties into a room, got them to compile a list of problems both parties had with each other and wanted them to trash out their differences

My suggestion to you is to mainly look after yourself. Seek out counselling as I've said already. I think you need to talk to someone who will have experience of dealing with matters like these. I would like to think that your college will do something to help you but don't bank on it. It's up to yourself whether you want to chase this further.

looksee

bullied too wrote: »

People who've not been bullied don't understand just how shattering an experience it is. It's easy to say "tell them to f-off" or "just ignore them" but that can be easier said than done. Especially if you find yourself at the stage where you're at. Besides, some people are just better at rising above these things than others.

That really is an unfair response poster. I'm sorry you were bullied, but suggesting that anyone who offers a robust reaction hasn't been bullied is not helpful.

The OP has said himself that he can look after himself, that does not stop him being sick of being got at, and in fact suggests that he probably responds to the bully, the suggestion is that he should not respond.

Evidently you do not feel that you can cope with bullying in the same way, so that advice would not be as appropriate for you, but please don't suggest that you are the only one who knows what it feels like. Many people on this forum have been bullied, hopefully many have found solutions, and for some the solution has been to ignore the perpetrator.

I would not include myself among those who have been bullied, or at least not enough to be an issue, but one of my children was bullied at school and I know how difficult and frustrating it was for her. We did not find a solution, but she did learn to cope and went on to be very happy at college.

LegacyUser

I agree with filmbuffboy, these people should be expelled. Have a few sessions with your college counsellor, maybe also try your college chaplain, don't think you have to be religious pretty sure they are also there to just deal with student welfare and can argue a student's case in meetings. I think you should also inform all of your lecturers of the situation, so that they can look out for them trying to pick on or distract you in class, and so that they never put you in a work group with any of them. Maybe the counsellor could write a letter detailing the affect the situation is having on you, that you could bring to the head department in the college as proof that this is a serious issue. I don't know about getting a parent involved but maybe it is an option?
Don't back down on this and leave the college in no doubt that you are not going to take this lying down, and that they have to do something. I'm tempted to advise you to suggest to them that you may go public about their lack of efficiency in dealing with bullying, but I think that might be too over the top and might turn them against you, and you want them on side. Join some clubs to try and make a few more friends in your class. Report EVERY SINGLE incident and keep a log for yourself too. I'd also suggest telling other classmates what is going on, pretty sure most people would be disgusted at their behaviour and might put them in their place or at least back you up in a tough situation. Keep fighting, and remember this is not your fault, they are just a bunch of pathetic saddos really when you think about it.

Taltos

A key phrase to use with your college (and work) - is that they have a duty of care to provide a safe environment for you...

These words carry a certain gravity that can shake some people.
Some other things to do
1. Keep a record of incidences including names of witnesses
2. Keep any and all evidence - emails/texts/notes
3. Keep all such items safe and secure - don't be seen to be overtly collecting such things.
4. Keep the people/departments in authority informed.
5. Insist that folk from 4 take this seriously.
6. Consider seeking legal advice / solicitor / legal aid and even the gardai.

Some bullies don't recognise or care about the impact of their actions - some do - it is a power trip. The real fact is that whether they like it or not by their actions they unwittingly give power over their own lives to you - how easy do they think it will be to get a job if they end up with a criminal record or an expulsion from college or even work....

Surround yourself with friends - and finally never ever lower yourselves to reacting in a similar manner - that validates their behaviour and I bet dollars to donuts that the first time you do this they run crying to people in authority with a "see it was them all along" and you get fired/expelled....