My boyfriend told me he writes porn and it makes me uncomfortable

LegacyUser

I've been seeing my boyfriend for six months now and he's a great guy. He's from Dublin and I'm from Kildare but we're both students at UCD. Now I know blah blah blah student relationships never last but I really get on grand with this guy and think things could go somewhere. We've got a year ahead of us still at college and even after that Kildare to Dublin is not far to travel.

BUT earlier today when we were lying in bed (I stayed the night) he confessed to me that he writes porn and posts the stories on an online "adult story hosting website". He said he'd been writing them for a while and shares them on this website where other people comment on them and post their own etc. He told me his name on the website so when I got home I looked at a few and their not awful or anything full or rape or anything like that but what I noticed was that his most recent stories have been posted WHILST WE'VE BEEN GOING OUT. He seems to write one a week or something and that just really freaks me out. I can get over him writing them before we started seeing each other because what he did then was none of my business but am I being unreasonable for not wanting him to write them now?

I mean these stories are all about beautiful women with big t**s getting f****d by studs in totally unrealistic ways. They have a plot and stuff and I wouldn't mind him writing normal stories (he has an active imagination) but he goes to great lengths describing the women and the sex and it's actually quite upsetting. Like many women I don't like my partners watching porn and this is basically the same thing except the women he writes about and fantasises over are even more perfect than pornstars!! It just makes me uncomfortable to know that even though we're going out and can see a future together he still writes porn stories about these sexy women when he's alone.

So am I being unreasonable if I ask him to stop? It makes me uncomfortable because I know I'll never match up to any of the supergorgeous women in his stories who seem to be climaxing all the time and up for sex. Now the men in the stories are just as bad but even so. It seems almost unfaithful for him to be spending so much time with these fictional women he's made up and describing their sexual exploits so much.

And just to make things worse when I confided in one of my girlfriends about this she asked the name of the website and she actualy knew it and said it was quite well known!! I was morto!!

Dinxminx

Sorry OP but I think you're being unreasonable. They're only stories!! I think I can guess the website you're referring to and personally I wouldn't see it as an issue. However, you do, and if you can't get over it then I think you're either going to have to tell him that you can't deal with it or just call it a day.

LittleBook

Personally, I don't think it's reasonable to ask him to stop. It's a perfectly harmless hobby and I think it's unfair on your boyfriend to classify it as being "almost unfaithful".

However, if it makes you uncomfortable, there's nothing wrong with that either.

I do think though that you're falling into an all too common trap for people who are uncomfortable with their partners enjoying porn ... comparing yourself to the "supergorgeous" women in his stories.

Is he comparable to the "studs" in his stories? Is he "climaxing all the time and up for sex"? I doubt it, because they're fantasies.

People write fiction all the time and aren't compared to the subjects of their fiction. He maybe gets a kick out of writing them but I suspect that he gets as much a kick out of sharing them and being complimented on them.

And why are you "morto" that your friend knows the site? Surely if she knows it that means she visits it!

P. Breathnach

If your boyfriend was into computer games, would that trouble you? Many of them involve simulations of extreme aggression.

I think you should view writing (or reading or discussing) porn in the same way: it's a mental game, distantly reflective of real life but nevertheless separate from it.

If stuff he has written since you and he became a couple was clearly based on your relationship, then you might have grounds for concern. That could indicate a failure to keep proper separation between a hobby activity and real life (or it might simply mean that he doesn't have enough imagination to create his own stories).

ManOfMystery

Some people write murder stories. Doesn't make them murderers.

I read a lot of horror and have read some twisted stories over the years, but the authors in question are fairly normal guys.

Do you think the woman who wrote 50 shades of Grey is a sultry sex siren? If you saw her, you'd quickly change your mind.

In a similar vein, just because your boyfriend writes erotic fiction doesn't mean he's a pervert or has some strange tendencies you don't know about. I could understand you being disturbed if his stories were focused towards an extreme or kink (rape, sado-masochism, etc) but by the sounds of your description, they're fairly normal stuff as erotic fiction goes.

People who write fiction have a knack for using their imagination and exploring certain facets of fantasy. It's their way of transferring these ideas and fantasies into something without actually living them out, much like how singers can use music & song to vent their thoughts and emotions. What would be a hundred times worse would be if your boyfriend couldn't see the line between fantasy and reality and was one of these guys who was trying to live out all his fantasies with hookers or whatever - those guys do exist, and you read about one every now and again right here in the Personal Issues section.

If you like to write, it's very stifling to not do it, and as your boyfriend doesn't seem to be writing about anything very strange or illegal, I'd consider it unreasonable of you to ask him to stop.

Just out of interest, would you have a problem with him looking at porn on a website or magazine?

LegacyUser

I think you're being unreasonable OP. Alot of people write erotic fiction both male and female. Some do for a hobby, some make a living out of it. I'm female and I read erotic fiction on kindle on my daily commute. Most of it is very brian dead, easy to read fantasy fun which is what I want when crammed on to a train in the early am. Alot of people have issue with visual porn because it involves real life actual people, your OH is writing stuff from his imagination so telling him to stop writing it down will just stop him physically writing it down, his thoughts and imagination are still in his head unless your planning to control those somehow as well.

If it was something extreme like rape fantasy maybe I could see you being uncomfortable or if he was describing your sex life in the stories then I would be mad but you said yourself it's nothing along those lines.

username123

boyfriendwritesporn wrote: »

Like many women I don't like my partners watching porn and this is basically the same thing except the women he writes about and fantasises over are even more perfect than pornstars!!

Huh? Why not? Whats wrong with porn?

I think youre being totally unreasonable, pretty immature and selfish about this. Your partner likes to write erotic fiction - so what? Theres nothing wrong with writing it, or reading it!

Its very controlling of you to think you could or should ask him to stop.

ShaShaBear

username123 wrote: »

Huh? Why not? Whats wrong with porn?

I think youre being totally unreasonable, pretty immature and selfish about this. Your partner likes to write erotic fiction - so what? Theres nothing wrong with writing it, or reading it!

Its very controlling of you to think you could or should ask him to stop.

Agreed - I'm not so sure that you have your denominations right. I have no problem with my boyfriend watching porn. I don't actually know a woman that does!

ElleEm

OP, I agree with the other posters.
I think you are coming across as unreasonable and I can't see you getting the outcome you want if you ask/ tell him to stop.
It is actually a really creative thing he is doing, writing stories. It is not affecting your relationship in any way.
It seems very silly of you to feel insecure about women he has MADE UP!!!
They don't even exist- do you see how ridiculous that is?

x Purple Pawprints x

I'd have to agree with the other posters on this one, you're being very unreasonable. It's a hobby. There's absolutely nothing wrong with writing or reading erotic fiction, or watching porn for that matter. I don't think many women actually do have a problem with their partners watching it.

I don't think you can ask him to stop OP, that would be completely unfair because in reality this is your problem, not his. What he does in his own time is his business.

username123

Youre actually persecuting this guy because of stuff that happens in his imagination - the fact that he commits these imaginings to the written word is irrelevant really.

Piliger

boyfriendwritesporn wrote: »

So am I being unreasonable if I ask him to stop? It makes me uncomfortable because I know I'll never match up to any of the supergorgeous women in his stories who seem to be climaxing all the time and up for sex. Now the men in the stories are just as bad but even so. It seems almost unfaithful for him to be spending so much time with these fictional women he's made up and describing their sexual exploits so much.

And just to make things worse when I confided in one of my girlfriends about this she asked the name of the website and she actualy knew it and said it was quite well known!! I was morto!!

Well OP.

Firstly you are entitled to feel uncomfortable. You have a right to your own feelings. And if what he does, and thinks about, and writes about makes you feel bad then so be it.

The issue arises when you start thinking what to do about it. Does you feeling 'uncomfortable' entitle you to force him to stop doing something he wants to do ? That's the question.

I personally think you have a right to go and tell him how you feel and see what he says. There's nothing wrong with that.

But like others here I would say that you have no right to demand that he stop. If he says he wants to continue then the ball is in your court. Either suck it up .... and walk. Discomfort is not the basis for demanding someone alter their life to suit.

Roisy7

Nothing wrong with it at all in my opinion. Have a look at the website. You might even enjoy it!

Seriously OP there is nothing wrong with this. They're fantasies. Come on now, if you think about it, you must have imagined being in bed with Michael Fassbender or the like on occasion? How is this different?

He's using his imagination, most erotic thing there is, and it's perfect normal. No one will ever find out he writes these stories, so who cares?

Now if he was a porn star, I could understand your concern. Relax and enjoy your boyfriend's literary leanings

Stavro Mueller

I can't help but think of Fifty Shades of Grey here. The woman who wrote those books has been married for like 20 years and has teenage sons. The way I see it, people don't just turn off certain parts of their personality once they get into a relationship. They'll still think other people are attractive, they'll still get turned on by porn, they'll still masturbate. You get the idea. If you think about it, I'm sure a lot of the authors who write erotic fiction are in relationships and are perfectly normal and happy in their day to day lives.

Sleepy

boyfriendwritesporn wrote: »

Like many women I don't like my partners watching porn

And like the rest of those women you'll just have to get over it. Porn, whether visual or written word is a normal part of the modern world and modern sexuality. Do you feel the same disgust at friends who have boyfriends reading the Fifty Shades of Gray nonsense?

and this is basically the same thing except the women he writes about and fantasises over are even more perfect than pornstars!! It just makes me uncomfortable to know that even though we're going out and can see a future together he still writes porn stories about these sexy women when he's alone.

So am I being unreasonable if I ask him to stop? It makes me uncomfortable because I know I'll never match up to any of the supergorgeous women in his stories who seem to be climaxing all the time and up for sex. Now the men in the stories are just as bad but even so. It seems almost unfaithful for him to be spending so much time with these fictional women he's made up and describing their sexual exploits so much.

Yes you're being unreasonably. Whilst some pornstars may be thought of as having "perfect" figures, most men wouldn't want to date one either for reasons of protecting their own ego, jealousy or the (wild generalisation) fact most of the girls involved in the profession haven't much else to offer than their looks and the admirable work ethic that keeps their figures in good shape..

Rather than getting jealous of non-existent characters, why not role-play some of the scenarios with him? Or take note of some of the sexual activities described in them and try them out when ye're in bed together: they're clearly things he's interested in trying.

The fact he's opened up to you about this means that either he'd like you to learn things about his fantasies from these stories or wants you to open up about some of your own. Both totally normal, healthy things for a couple to do imo.

And just to make things worse when I confided in one of my girlfriends about this she asked the name of the website and she actualy knew it and said it was quite well known!! I was morto!!

It's Literotica, right? One of the first internet sites many of us stumbled upon after getting an internet connection. Why would the fact your boyfriend is writing for this embaress you? Quite a few well known authors have honed their craft writing for such internet sites, including the afore-mentioned e. l. james who wrote 50 Shades (though most would agree, she could use a lot more honing, from what I remember of the site there were actually far, far better writers publishing their stuff there in the late 90's so I'm sure it can't have changed that much...

Catari Jaguar

boyfriendwritesporn wrote: »

I confided in one of my girlfriends about this

This is not cool. He trusted you with private, very personal, information.

It's a harmless hobby. He also writes about the men looking like total studs. He doesn't put average everyday Joes in his story getting these beautiful women, or himself.. He knows it's a fantasy. Recognise this and get over your own insecurites.

Everyone likes fantasy levels of hot but still fancy and fall in love with ordinary people. I know I don't watch films with Ryan Reynolds, Tom Hardy or Chris Hemsworth for their acting ability... :P

Oryx

OP, you asked are you being unreasonable asking him to stop, and that would be a yes. Its his hobby, he didnt hide it, and it doesnt directly harm you. You are the one with the issues here, so you are the one who has to act here in whatever way you see fit. If it was something innoccuous like knitting or watching 'Countdown' that you found him doing, would you feel you had the right to ask him to stop, even if you found it weird?

You have to decide if you can live with this. It doesnt matter whether its transexuality or a toe fetish, people are who they are. Trying to change someones nature or prevent them doing something they enjoy is a recipe for disaster.

Degringola

OP, if you're not comfortable with it, you're not comfortable with it. That is your every right and you should not feel browbeaten by the general consensus here that you should accept it. I would personally not put this in the same category as computer games or knitting.

That said, you can ask him to discontinue it, explaining how it makes you feel uncomfortable.

If he refuses or equivocates, then you will have to decide whether or not the relationship is worth pursuing.

Just because other posters tell you you are being unreasonable and should accept this, does not mean you have to. Stick to your principles.

Roisy7

Degringola wrote: »

OP, if you're not comfortable with it, you're not comfortable with it. That is your every right and you should not feel browbeaten by the general consensus here that you should accept it. I would personally not put this in the same category as computer games or knitting.

That said, you can ask him to discontinue it, explaining how it makes you feel uncomfortable.

If he refuses or equivocates, then you will have to decide whether or not the relationship is worth pursuing.

Just because other posters tell you you are being unreasonable and should accept this, does not mean you have to. Stick to your principles.

Of course she has every right to feel uncomfortable, nobody here can dictate her feelings.

Personally though, I feel the OP is suffering from a bit of Catholic guilt, and there really is nothing wrong with anyone enjoying sex, fantasies or masturbation, which is clearly what this guy is doing. I think she is being a bit judgmental and needs to realise that she might have a picture of the ideal boyfriend being one who never indulges in masturbation, fantasy etc (except when about her I presume) but sorry, that man does not exist.

I don't think she should throw away what seems like a good relationship over something this trivial. He is not hurting anyone... So he has fantasies. She must have too- everyone does!

Just because an OP comes on looking for advice doesn't mean they can't be wrong, as Catari Jaguar pointed out, she divulged personal information about him to a girlfriend, which was totally wrong. I'm sure the friend was on Literotica in seconds trying to figure out his username.

Degringola

Well all I can say in reply to the last post is that you do not have to suffer from Catholic guilt to feel uncomforable with the OP's situation (and the Catholic guilt accusation is such an easy cop-out excuse). I must say I am shocked at the reaction to her feelings and the attempt to discredit them! While many of us do have fantasies as you say, we keep them private. There is a whiff of exhibitionism about publishing them on the internet, IMO.

With regard to allegations of divulging personal information of the OP's OH, does he not have the courage of his convictions? What is more public thanthe internet? If his writings are all so normal and acceptable, why the secrecy?

For the OP this is not trivial. For many people it would not be trivial. Just because you think it's trivial does not make it so in the eyes of other people.

Now maybe the OP's OH feels exactly the same as 99% of the posters here that it isn't a big deal. But it obviously is for the OP or she wouldn't be posting here. Only she can decide how she will take this forward.

It's a bit strong to say she may be wrong, just because you say she may be wrong. Does judgmentalism (or lack of it, rather)
not work both ways?

PS this is in reply to Roisy, didn't figure out the quote function in time.

Roisy7

Degringola wrote: »

Well all I can say in reply to the last post is that you do not have to suffer from Catholic guilt to feel uncomforable with the OP's situation. I must say I am shocked at the reaction to her feelings and the attempt to discredit them!

With regard to allegations of divulging personal information of the OP's OH, does he not have the courage of his convictions? What is more public thanthe internet? If his writings are all so normal and acceptable, why the secrecy?

For the OP this is not trivial. For many people it would not be trivial. Just because you think it's trivial does not make it so in the eyes of other people.

Again, nobody is saying she is wrong to have her feelings. I feel she is overreacting, but then that's my feeling. Most people here feel she's overreacting and would be stupid to a. throw a relationship over this or b. try to make him curtail himself when he is doing nothing wrong.

He is doing nothing wrong. Please tell me how he is harming a single individual on planet earth with this. That is what myself and the other posters are trying to help her to see.

What is more public than the internet? Well not a site like this one, where it is all anon users from all over the world. It's hardly like he's putting it up on Facebook.

As for the divulging personal information; it would be different if he had the opportunity to tell the OP's friend himself, but he wasn't even given that chance. She made the decision. Some people would be shy to admit they were writing any stories, let alone erotic stories. Maybe he would be comfortable with the OP's friend knowing, but she went and told her anyway, so the boyfriend never got to make the decision. You must see how that's unfair, as opposed to him just being ashamed of it.

Anyway back to the problem. I think yes, maybe myself and the other posters have been a bit flippant. She has every right to be upset, but this really in the grand scheme of things, not a big deal- he has a dirty mind and likes to write, not even watch, vanilla porn- we can all imagine how much worse things could be. I don't think it's worth throwing a relationship away over.

LegacyUser

I'm a guy, and a few years ago I found out my girlfriend at the time did the same thing.

My response was to offer feedback, and it soon evolved into something we did together. I'd offer suggestions for stories. She'd write stuff based on our experiences together. It was actually really fun, and I think it actually enhanced our sex life, as we became way more open about discussing sex with each other.

So, maybe that's the sort of approach you need to be taking.

reprazant

Degringola wrote: »

With regard to allegations of divulging personal information of the OP's OH, does he not have the courage of his convictions? What is more public thanthe internet? If his writings are all so normal and acceptable, why the secrecy?

I guess if wasn't using his real name he may not have wanted people to know. It is up to him to decide who he wants to know.

By your rational, if you divulge some private information to somebody, they can tell everyone and anyone that information as you have already made it public.

username123

Degringola wrote: »

There is a whiff of exhibitionism about publishing them on the internet, IMO.

What? A whiff of exhibitionism about publishing literature? How so?

Degringola wrote: »

With regard to allegations of divulging personal information of the OP's OH, does he not have the courage of his convictions? What is more public thanthe internet? If his writings are all so normal and acceptable, why the secrecy?

The internet may be public but it is possible to remain anonymous. As regards to remaining anonymous on the internet, and so called secrecy - there is absolutely no way I would be divulging personal details on the internet regardless of whether or not I published erotic fiction or recipes!!! Are you off your rocker? Talk about inviting every psycho on the planet to stalk you!!!

Id hardly imagine its anything to do with courage of convictions and more to do with common sense!!

Degringola

Yeah, I probably exaggerated, Username. It's just that the whole situation wouldn't sit well with me - call me a prude if you like! - and that colours my take on the whole thing.