Messed up situation

Hersheys

Long story short.

I was sexually abused by my friends father when I was younger.

Recently he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and was told the future was bleak.

He's had surgery & chemo. And last week they got word that it went better than expected & he was out of the woods for now.

My friend is delighted to say the least & I have to be happy to her about it but I don't know how.

On anti depressants, seeing psychologist etc but I'm just looking for thoughts and possible solutions.

Carriexx

Poor you , thats terrible. Does your friend know about the history , have you ever reported it?

LegacyUser

I'm afraid I don't have advice, just wanted to say I understand how you feel. I was sexually abused by a friends brother as a child. I'm not still friends with this girl, but my family all know this guy, and I sometimes get stories about how wonderful he is (none of them know what happened) it's hard to hear, I usually have to leave the conversation.
Keep up the work with your pyschologist, you will get better able to deal with these things as time goes by. For your own sanity you may have to limit the amount of time you spend with this girl for the moment. Are you very close to her?

Hersheys

Nobody knows really except my doc & therapist... This girls been my best friend since we were babies, we're very close. She knows I was abused but not by who.

BBDBB

You know what you know OP, you cant scrub your memory or change history

The "strong you" also knows that this man can no longer harm you in any way

Whilst its tempting to take some kind of satisfaction in his problems and his recovery is causing a bit anger, maybe even guilt, because your friend is suffering I doubt you will gain satisfaction long term from it, its just getting you further and deeper into the maze of confused feelings so ry to avoid the schadenfreude, its destructive and you dont benefit imo


Focus on you, the positive things, including a friendship that has, and will survive some horrendous downs even if some of it is known only to you. You have come this far, its tough, take stock and pat yourself on the back for justhow tough you have had it and acknowlegde that to be where you are, feeling what you are feeling is evidence of strength. Dont lose sight of that

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
It's a very difficult situation, and I really feel for you. Have been abused myself, and it was within the family, so struggled for many years of having to put a face on to convince the rest of them there wasn't a problem. It is a horrific thing to put on someone, you are truly the victim, having to put on a positive face, and yet be the one responsible if you want the truth to get out. I really feel for you. In my situation he's passed away since, but if I was expected now to do the same thing, I physically wouldn't be able to do it, and given the choice now, I wouldn't. But that is my situation.
Your situation is a complicated one because you are friends with someone who is closely attached to him. No-one can tell you the "right" or "wrong" way to deal with this situation. What does your psychologist think? They know your situation more intimately than any of us. From my own experience, I found the weight of having to continually cover up for him was in the most literal sense, soul-destroying. And that was even doing the smallest thing like pretending everything was normal.
Maybe try and weigh up the pros and cons of doing this for yourself OP, will you feel better in the long run? Or worse? Can you do without the friendship? Would you consider telling your friend the situation? Personally, I would not be able to go through pretending that I was happy for this abuser, I could not go through with it because it has been such a grave assault on the most innocent part of myself.
But, that is my personal experience, I cannot speak for anyone else. Think about what it would mean for yourself and how you might handle it, discuss it with your counsellor. I think, put your own mental health above all others OP. I hope you find your answers. Best of luck, and go with your gut. xx

Hersheys

I've been in a bad way since I found out he's improving. I cannot tell you how bad I felt for feeling happy when I was told he might die, and now he's going to live another while. It hurts bad.

I'm in a very dark place. I tried ringing my gp this morning but he's not working, & it just is so hard to tell anyone about what's gone on that I wouldn't feel comfortable talking to the other doctor

Taltos

OP - if you need to talk to someone about this today - please try some of the organisations from our charter - there is a large range of groups there - so please pick up the phone and talk to one of them.

Hersheys

Taltos wrote: »

OP - if you need to talk to someone about this today - please try some of the organisations from our charter - there is a large range of groups there - so please pick up the phone and talk to one of them.

Thanks Taltos.