How to handle money issues with my best friend?

Nanazolie

Hi,

I hope you can help me. My best friend of 12 years is a fantastic girl, she is very ressourceful, except when it comes to budgeting. To make it short, she is always broke, not because she doesn't get any money, but because she overspends and borrows here and there to pay back money here and there.
In the past, when we lived close to each others, she would always "borrow" a tenner or a fifty when we were out shopping. Most often than not I would not see it again. But she made do with being overgenerous the rest of the time. Last year, she was broke but bought several gifts to my kids. A few years ago, I saved her back by paying some of her rent. I knew when I did that I would not see the money again. At the time, I only had one child and I had some savings left so I didn't pursue it. However, my situation has changed and every single penny counts now.
Last week, my friend called me in a panic because her rent was way overdue and she had promised her landlord to pay some of it. Her bank had accepted to give her an overdraft facility, but it would only kick in the following Monday. She was desperate, and promised me she would pay me back on Monday. I gave her the last 300 I had on my account, keeping 30 to cover my expenses for a week. She sent me a text during the weekend to say she would pay me back as promised and would put the cash directly onto my account. Which hasn't happened yet and the 30€ I had left are gone. I need to buy some medication, which I had told her. I also need to shop for food for my family

I know I should take the phone and call her and ask her to pay me back, but I don't know how to tell her.
I'm also reluctant to lend her money again, but how do I refuse without hurting her?

Thanks

tinkerbell

OP, what are you doing?! Ring her up now and tell her that she promised you'd have the money back by Monday and it's now Tues eve and you still haven't got it back. Tell her you need it back now. OP you were insane to give her your last €300, that was just crazy. I mean you might not get that back!

In future, tell her you can't lend her money from now on. Tell her that you are on a strict budget and you cannot factor in her having to borrow off you whenever she feels like it. It's tough love but she has no right to be treating you as an ATM and she will never learn responsibility if you keep bailing her out.

Toast4532

tinkerbell wrote: »

OP, what are you doing?! Ring her up now and tell her that she promised you'd have the money back by Monday and it's now Tues eve and you still haven't got it back. Tell her you need it back now. OP you were insane to give her your last €300, that was just crazy. I mean you might not get that back!

In future, tell her you can't lend her money from now on. Tell her that you are on a strict budget and you cannot factor in her having to borrow off you whenever she feels like it. It's tough love but she has no right to be treating you as an ATM and she will never learn responsibility if you keep bailing her out.

Tinkerbell is 100% correct.

You are insane to be 'lending' her money.

Do you honestly think you will ever see that 300 or any of it again?

Your friend will NEVER learn to manage her money properly if she knows you will continue bailing her out.

What is she going to do when she has to pay back the over draft? Come to you again?

She needs to speak to MABS or someone else who can help her manage her money properly, not someone who will dish it out as she requires it.

I hope you learn your lesson and never give her another cent.

Nanazolie

Thanks Tinkerbell. I know in hindight you are right, it's just not in my nature to demand things

Lollipops23

Nanazolie wrote: »

Thanks Tinkerbell. I know in hindight you are right, it's just not in my nature to demand things

Well for your kids' sake you need to get tough. This woman is as good as taking the money off them, as you can't afford food for them now. You never should have been so irresponsible to lend her that money, going on her track record.

Call her and tell her that you need to go food shopping and need that money.

tinkerbell

Nanazolie wrote: »

Thanks Tinkerbell. I know in hindight you are right, it's just not in my nature to demand things

It's not "demanding things" - it's asking back for something that is rightfully YOURS! OP, it's time you stopped being walked all over, ring up that selfish friend of yours and tell her you want the money back now. You have a family to feed, are you going to let them go hungry just because you feel you can't ask your supposed friend for YOUR money back?

I'd also be seriously reconsidering this "friendship" you have with her. Friends don't do that kind of thing to their friends. The whole point of "borrowing" is that you repay it back, not just take it. If that's the case, you may as well give her your bank card and tell her to withdraw money whenever she likes.

Ring her up now and tell her you want it back this evening.

deisemum

She's not a true friend, she's keeping you onside as she knows it's extremely easy to get money off you without having to pay it back.

thefeatheredcat

OP I really hope you have phoned her as Tinkerbell suggested.

I have a sister like your friend... really, really bad with money and expects everyone else to drop whatever they're doing and run to fix her problem that she created herself by overspending or using money that is allocated for one thing for some hobby rubbish or something else completely. Then you get the phone call.

I stopped enabling my sister a while ago, she knows I won't lend her a penny now for all the years she's been sponging off me with "emergencies" such as similar to your friend's rent "problem" which isn't really a problem. She and I still talk but she doesn't come out with the begging bowl when it suits her needs and doesn't suit me.

If you haven't called her this evening and haven't got the money back, then you contact her again and arrange that you get the money from her, none of this leaving it up to her when and how, you get it from her hands and make sure that you do. She needs to understand that you NEED that money, it was a once off that you helped her with her rent, but you have your needs to take care of first and that is your responsibility, especially where your children and getting medication is concerned. Do not accept being fobbed off with excuses, do not accept getting it the next day or next week, if it isn't done this evening but is arranged tomorrow then you hound her until you get your money back and then refuse to give her money again so that you stop enabling her and her poor management of her money. Once she knows you won't stump up the cash whenever these "emergencies" that could have been avoided crop up, she will either sponge off someone else and have them continue to enable her poor money management or it might wake her up to sort out her finances properly.

Then you will find out if she is really your friend at all, because once she knows she can't get money from you, your friendship might change. If that happens though, that isn't the worst thing in the world in some cases and in time you might feel differently about it.

Tinkerbell is spot on and I can't say that loudly enough, if a few years ago with my sister I had done what is being suggested things could very well have been very different for me

dellas1979

You tell her exactly what you told us.

Get the money back first, a simple "I need that money".

Once you get it back, I would simply tell her exactly what you told us, that you had e30 to live off/feed children/get medication, and that it FRIGHTENED you that you had nothing yourself to live off, so in the future you wont be lending any money.

Its true, and by God if anyone ever said that to me, I wouldnt be too long getting the message from that and evaluating myself - preventing someone/a child from eating or someone from getting medication?

Time for you to cop on a little OP and stop her - its not your job to look after her. She is a grown woman and You have kids for christs sake.

Stand up for yourself and your family!

tbh

Nanazolie wrote: »

I know I should take the phone and call her and ask her to pay me back, but I don't know how to tell her.

Hi - There's no sign of that money in my account, can you confirm you've sent it as promised? I'm really desperate for it. Thanks.

I'm also reluctant to lend her money again, but how do I refuse without hurting her?

Thanks

"Can I borrow some money?"
"Sorry - I've none to spare. Have you tried your parents?"

Nanazolie

Hi

I wanted to thank everyone for their comments. It's been really helpful. I called my friend last night and told her how annoyed I was because I needed this money to buy my medication and for day to day expenses. She was apologetic, and promised to have it on my account this morning. I texted her again this morning and she was on her way to the bank and paid me back.

I'll also use Tbh's suggestion when she asks me for money again. Now, I know I should tackle the big fish, I need to make her deal with her problem. I've mentioned this in the past and she acknowledges that she has an issue with budgeting and general money-keeping but has never dealt with it properly. I know what people have said is right: lending her money is not helping her in the long term. I just have to find the right words, because it's like saying to a friend with a drinking problem: you must get sorted and go to AA.

Re. the friendship, I have no doubt about it. She has been supportive in other ways for me, and there are aspects of this friendship that are precious to me and to our kids. I don't want her money issues to destroy this, which is why I raised this topic

Thanks again

Big Bag of Chips

Nanazolie wrote: »

I need to make her deal with her problem. ......

No you don't! Really, you don't. It's her problem, not yours. You are not her minder. She is an adult I take it? responsibile for herself and aware of when she needs money?

Some people are just like that, OP. My sister-in-law lives like that, always owes someone something, always spending money on something unnecessary and then having to borrow money for groceries... but you know what, she doesn't tackle it, because she doesn't need to - because there is always someone available to her to give her a few quid.

She used to ask my husband all the time. One day he got really sick of it, and told her we didn't have it... she got it somewhere else. she has since gone through about 4 sets of friends, having to move on from groups after she exhausted all their goodwill!

Your friend managed to find your €300 fairly quickly when you asked for it back?! Now she just owes it to someone else!

Now that you challenged her on it, I think she probably won't ask you for a lend again in the future. She's learnt she'll have to give it back to you (unlike before!)

But don't worry about her - she won't starve or end up homeless, she'll just move on to the next person.

tinkerbell

Well done OP. Regarding how to bring it up, tell her that from now on you will not be lending her money as you find it too much of a strain on your friendship. She borrows from you, doesn't pay back in time, you feel like the bad one then demanding she pays you back - you shouldn't have to constantly remind her to pay you back. Money and friends don't mix. So I would say to her that you can no longer lend her money as you don't want money to come between you.

tbh

Nanazolie wrote: »

. Now, I know I should tackle the big fish, I need to make her deal with her problem. I've mentioned this in the past and she acknowledges that she has an issue with budgeting and general money-keeping but has never dealt with it properly. I know what people have said is right: lending her money is not helping her in the long term. I just have to find the right words, because it's like saying to a friend with a drinking problem: you must get sorted and go to AA

to be honest, I'd steer clear. She acknowledges she has a problem, it'll no longer impact you if you're no longer lending her money, and I'm guessing she'll go on the attack if you raise it. Her best friend ringing her to tell her to get her finger out and repay a loan should be all the impetus she needs - if that doesn't change her, take it from me, a polite chat won't either.

Ellsbells

Nanazolie wrote: »

She has been supportive in other ways for me, and there are aspects of this friendship that are precious to me and to our kids.

she is still willing to let your kids go without.... Tell her out straight - no more credit. The bank is closed.

thefeatheredcat

Nanazolie wrote: »

Now, I know I should tackle the big fish, I need to make her deal with her problem. I've mentioned this in the past and she acknowledges that she has an issue with budgeting and general money-keeping but has never dealt with it properly.

Well done on getting the money back and standing up for yourself too, it's not easy.

However, the only help you should provide about getting her finances in order is to play a very minor role in support of her going to MABS, getting her budget done and giving her positive support/praise when she does stick to it. You lending a hand in making up a budget with her is not going to help, nor is helping her to deal with how she handles money as if you pass comment on her spending that you see might be an issue down the line, you might get an answer you don't like back.

If you want to help, show her the merit in budgeting when she does stick to it, point that out to her if she isn't able to see the merit in it herself but I'd avoid directly helping do it all with her or for her when she really, really must take responsibility for that because at least then she can never ever say it's your fault or anything like that if it's too hard for her or she goes against the plan and ye won't fall out over it.

She knows she has a problem with money, she must deal with that problem herself by herself. It really is the only way she will learn. She knows she has a problem and has done nothing about it except borrow off peter to pay paul and continue in a vicious cycle. Once she knows one life line is gone, she might realise how much harder it is and eventually the same will happen with other people and then she's on her own and then has no choice but to ultimately tackle her problem with money. I think it would be better for her that you force her to do it now, alone, without lending much support rather than having burnt all her bridges especially when she runs the risk of having effectively cried wolf so many times that when it really counts nobody will be prepared to help her out.

mood

Next time you see her have a serious chat and say you can't load her money again. The give her some leaflets for MABS and suggest she get advice before next months rent is due.

WLPD

Op
Form experience of being bad with money. The best way to help is as mentioned by many others to just stop lending. My family were always there for me and it was not until the ability to tap into the funds was cut off that I actually looked how I managed what I had.
Now I pay my bills, my mortgage and have the Holiday (I could never afford) and have a good life all on the same money I always had. I had to get my priorities right. Only I could do it