Am I shallow?

LegacyUser

I'm 25 years old and have only had one relationship and I'm not sure would I even call it that. It was a teen 'love' but it ended fairly quickly. However despite my efforts to cut all contact with my ex it ended up becoming a really horrible emotional wreckage where we had a friends with benefits arrangement for a few years, on and off. Naturally enough there were huge arguments and jealousy on both sides.

Anyway, that's the extent of my relationship history. I've had a few casual flings since but nothing of any significance. My friends and I were talking recently and I said that sometimes I wonder will I end up alone because I never tend to fall for people and if I do it doesn't go anywhere.

My friends told me, to my surprise, that I'm far too choosy when it comes to potential relationships and unless someone is ridiculously amazing I have no interest. I don't think this is true because I have fancied people before that my friends think are minging! I just don't see the point in going out with someone I don't fancy. To fancy someone I need to get the butterflies and the excited feeling.

My friends insisted that I only tend to fancy very goodlooking people and personality tends not to matter. I do like nice people I think but I don't think you should date somebody JUST for their personality because in that
case they're just a friend.

That said I am slow to fancy people. I said this to my sister for a second opinion and she said that unless I lower my standards I will end up alone. But would I not be settling in that case? What's the point in dating someone you don't have any chemistry with??

Am I being ridiculous here? Have I held myself back all these years because I'm shallow?? I do tend to go for goodlooking guys but I'm sure some people would think they aren't that special. I'm not trying to be shallow or vain, personality is important to me but I can't help who I'm attracted to. I don't care about profession or money or anything like some of the things people I know look for in a partner. They're the things I see as being shallow.

My friends said I am too choosy but they said this in the context that I get asked out a lot. I don't want to go out with just anybody. The last person I met that I liked lives abroad so it's a no-go and the person before that turned out to be a total muppet but I'm sure not everybody gets it right all the time.

Am I being too shallow?

mr_edge_to_you

BlueEyedBanana wrote: »

My friends insisted that I only tend to fancy very goodlooking people and personality tends not to matter. I do like nice people I think but I don't think you should date somebody JUST for their personality because in that case they're just a friend.

That said I am slow to fancy people. I said this to my sister for a second opinion and she said that unless I lower my standards I will end up alone. But would I not be settling in that case? What's the point in dating someone you don't have any chemistry with??

Am I being too shallow?

Yes I think you are too shallow.

You can have chemistry and still date someone with a personality. If you're not prepared to get to know people on a proper level you will never find someone with whom you will have long happy relationship with. Looks can change for better and worse over the years, personalities are less likely to do so. Being fat/thin can be easily changed but as a rule of thumb for me "once a prlck, always a prIck".

You mentioned you're asked out a lot so you're obviously dismissing a lot of the offers. Next time someone who doesn't meet your high standards asks you out, try accepting their offer and see how you get on.

If I was relying on my looks to get a g/f I would've been waiting a long time. I would've always made sure I dressed smart and looked presentable. Theres no excuse for looking like a knacker.

If you meet the right person looks become far less important and you quickly realise how important it is that that person "gets" you and that you "get" them.

DaisyD2

No you are Not shallow!! & Dear lord your only 25.......

At the end of the day I wouldn't worry about it, you sound like you get, as as important, take opportunities.

There are more than two camps on this, I'm like you, I'd rather be alone than "settle" (hate that term). I have had the butterflies etc & it was unfortunate we were incompatible (I do not want children, he did).

I have had friends say such n such really likes you, why don't you go out with him but I feel nothing for them so why should I? I think it unfair to lead them on in hopes I grow fond of them or whatever....

That said I like my own company and I havn't "given up" either but if it doesn't happen than c'est la vie, I know plenty of woman who force themselves into every social outlet imaginable, speed dating, internet dating, have had 100s of dates and y'know what they're still single too.

At the end of the day you don't have to justify your desires (or lack of them) to anybody - just be comfortable in your own self & learn to love your own mind

metaoblivia

No, I don't think you're shallow.
Attraction is a fickle thing. I can think of a few attractive men I know who I'm not attracted to. And not because of their personalities or anything. It's just, as attractive as they are, I don't feel any sexual chemistry for them. On the other hand, I've felt sexual chemistry with men who would not be considered conventionally attractive.
But I think having sexual chemistry with your partner is key. To put it bluntly, you have to want to have sex with them. And that's not something you can force.
Since you say you're slow to fancy someone, I might suggest taking some of these guys up on the offer of a lunch date or coffee date and see if there's anything there that peaks your interest. I'm almost always willing to go on a date with someone, because you never know. Usually your initial instincts are right, but some people may surprise you. It also gets the "You're too choosy" crowd off of your back. Plus, it doesn't hurt to take an hour or two out of your time to get to know someone a little bit more.

Mighty_Mouse

I need to get the butterflies and the excited feeling.

^

Without this you have nothing.
Trust me there is nothing worse than getting 6 months a year down the road and realising what you should of known in the first place.

blacklilly

Although attraction is a very important factor it doesn't always mean physical attraction.
An ex of mine was incredibly attractive and we had a lot of chemistry, that said he wasn't a particularly nice guy and it was a very disruptive relationship that left me emotionally wrecked.
Then my most recent ex was not what you'd call gorgeous but he was the nicest man I've ever known and we had a great relationship and mutual respect. It didn't work out for other reasons but had I have gone on looks alone I would not have been with him, he helped restore my confidence and my confidence in men.
I use to be a bit on the picky side and I still believe attraction is important but I'm so glad I spent three incredible years with my most recent ex. Those years were the polar opposite to the years of angst I spent with the good looking guy.
I think as we get older we realise what is truly important in a partner and realise that although looks do hold importance a great personality goes a hell of a lot further.
To answer your question, I don't think you're shallow, you say you haven't been in a serious relationship, maybe when you do get involved in one your opinion may chance and you will begin to value personality over looks.

LegacyUser

Hi thanks for the replies. OP here.

mr_edge_to_you wrote: »

Yes I think you are too shallow.

You can have chemistry and still date someone with a personality. If you're not prepared to get to know people on a proper level you will never find someone with whom you will have long happy relationship with. Looks can change for better and worse over the years, personalities are less likely to do so. Being fat/thin can be easily changed but as a rule of thumb for me "once a prlck, always a prIck".

You mentioned you're asked out a lot so you're obviously dismissing a lot of the offers. Next time someone who doesn't meet your high standards asks you out, try accepting their offer and see how you get on.

If I was relying on my looks to get a g/f I would've been waiting a long time. I would've always made sure I dressed smart and looked presentable. Theres no excuse for looking like a knacker.

If you meet the right person looks become far less important and you quickly realise how important it is that that person "gets" you and that you "get" them.

I don't want to date someone who looks good but has no personality/horrible personality. The men I do like are nice/interesting people. They just also happen to be goodlooking imo. Can someone not be both nice and attractive? I am prepared to get to know people on a proper level but I just rarely meet men I fancy.

I don't go out with everyone who asks because I don't want to lead them on. I did go on a date with a man who I really got on well with but didn't find attractive and it didn't end well. Maybe that was a once-off though.

I'm not saying they have to be models, that would be ridiculous. I don't know. I was totally infatuated with a friend of mine before but it didn't go anywhere. Everyone else thought he wasn't great looking. I used this example to argue with my friends that I'm not shallow but they said for the most part I do tend to go for lookers.

metaoblivia wrote: »

I can think of a few attractive men I know who I'm not attracted to. And not because of their personalities or anything. It's just, as attractive as they are, I don't feel any sexual chemistry for them. On the other hand, I've felt sexual chemistry with men who would not be considered conventionally attractive.
But I think having sexual chemistry with your partner is key. To put it bluntly, you have to want to have sex with them. And that's not something you can force.
Since you say you're slow to fancy someone, I might suggest taking some of these guys up on the offer of a lunch date or coffee date and see if there's anything there that peaks your interest.

Yes I do have some attractive friends that I just don't fancy too so maybe it is not all down to looks on my side.

When I say slow to fancy someone, I mean that I don't fancy people very often. When I do it's usually quite instant!

Maybe you are right and I should go on some coffee dates. I do get asked out a bit but not on a daily basis or anything so it may be a while before I can do it though!

blacklilly wrote: »

Although attraction is a very important factor it doesn't always mean physical attraction.
An ex of mine was incredibly attractive and we had a lot of chemistry, that said he wasn't a particularly nice guy and it was a very disruptive relationship that left me emotionally wrecked.
Then my most recent ex was not what you'd call gorgeous but he was the nicest man I've ever known and we had a great relationship and mutual respect. It didn't work out for other reasons but had I have gone on looks alone I would not have been with him, he helped restore my confidence and my confidence in men.
I use to be a bit on the picky side and I still believe attraction is important but I'm so glad I spent three incredible years with my most recent ex. Those years were the polar opposite to the years of angst I spent with the good looking guy.
I think as we get older we realise what is truly important in a partner and realise that although looks do hold importance a great personality goes a hell of a lot further.
To answer your question, I don't think you're shallow, you say you haven't been in a serious relationship, maybe when you do get involved in one your opinion may chance and you will begin to value personality over looks.

I understand your point and I agree. Can I just ask were you attracted to your most recent ex instantly or did it take time to get to know him?

Thanks mighty-mouse and DaisyD2. I feel a bit better knowing that some people agree with me that you need the spark. To be honest the varying replies have me even more confused though. I don't know if my friends are right or not. It's so hard to say and it is really bothering me at the moment.

LegacyUser

I think your problem might be *impatience.... and a touch of **ego.

If you are asked out by a nice guy but believe you don't or couldn't have chemistry because you find him plain or moderately unattractive, I say slow things down. Take the offer and **BE OPEN TO BEING WRONG about your initial feelings!!! Don't be afraid to lead the guys on and *don't be afraid to invest yourself and your time. If you want to find love, time is always a worthwhile investment.