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Anyone been to ACOA or Alanon

  • 13-08-2012 10:05pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi everyone,

    Has anyone been to a good busy meeting in ACOA (adult children of alcoholics/dysfunctional families) or Alanon (family/friends of alcoholics)?

    I want to go to a few more but only found Saturdays in abbey street. I like this meeting as its busy, and I can sit at the back and listen, and not have to speak up.

    Anyone had experiences of this, or like me have the complete fear on speaking up and not knowing what to say?


Comments

  • #2
    username123
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,484 ✭✭✭username123


    Ive been to loads of different ones, some with only 8 people (I thought Yikes!) and some really busy ones (Ive been to the Abbey Street one).

    The important thing to remember is this: you NEVER have to speak up!!! You can always just go to listen and they will pass over you if you dont wish to speak.

    The one on Tuesday nights in John of Gods is a good busy one, not as crammed as Abbey Street though (bigger room usually) so its an easy one to hide down the back of.

    For me, it was when I started talking that things started getting better. To use a crude analogy, it was like letting pus out of a wound - the more I got out, the more I healed.

    We are all different though and some people make gains simply listening until they are ready to speak.

    Best of luck.


  • #3
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thanks for the reply. I go every week to a meeting but just feel I wouldnt be able to get the words out to say something of worth. I have anxiety and bad self esteem issues that control my working life. So this adds to the fear of not speaking up.

    I also feel my story isnt as tragic as some people there. Theres nothing major that happened me, the person who effected me isnt your typical alcoholic. He drinks but it was more a dysfunction and lack of love and care shown.

    Ive been talking to a therapist about this and their advise was to go to these meetings to help me as I have the same personality traits as ACOAs. This adds to my fear of speaking up as im afraid Im not in the right place and that Im not as bad as the others. I just feel kinda stuck.

    Is there anyone out there that goes to these meetings for more of a dysfunctional reason rather than alcohol?


  • #4
    Annasopra
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 41,214 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    I haven't been to al anon or acoa but my sister goes regularly. OP I think you are worrying too much. It doesn't matter whether the others are worse than you or not.

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



  • #5
    username123
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,484 ✭✭✭username123


    MEODJS wrote: »
    Thanks for the reply. I go every week to a meeting but just feel I wouldnt be able to get the words out to say something of worth. I have anxiety and bad self esteem issues that control my working life. So this adds to the fear of not speaking up.

    Maybe some day you will feel like speaking, maybe not. I wouldnt worry one way or the other, sometimes just listening and absorbing is enough of a help.
    MEODJS wrote: »
    I also feel my story isnt as tragic as some people there. Theres nothing major that happened me, the person who effected me isnt your typical alcoholic. He drinks but it was more a dysfunction and lack of love and care shown.

    Thats the case for loads of people there. Sure there are some very dramatic stories, but its not really relevant what actually happened, but how you feel about it. So my father may have been a really aggressive bully, but I dont feel too bad, whereas other peoples fathers may have just been absent, but they feel awful. Its not about the alcoholic, its about you.
    MEODJS wrote: »
    Ive been talking to a therapist about this and their advise was to go to these meetings to help me as I have the same personality traits as ACOAs. This adds to my fear of speaking up as im afraid Im not in the right place and that Im not as bad as the others. I just feel kinda stuck.

    Is there anyone out there that goes to these meetings for more of a dysfunctional reason rather than alcohol?

    Youre in the right place alright. There are lots of people in the John of Gods one with a similar set of fears and worries, and indeed some who never experienced active alcoholism but who experienced the ripples of dysfunction that came from it.

    The nice thing about Alanon is that its a gentle program of support for people with all sorts of reasons to be there. There are of course some massively extreme cases where people have been subjected to horrific activity, but there are also many many people who just need somewhere to be where they can feel safe, included, and allow them to work on the issues they have due to dysfunction.

    And its the one place in the world where you can say anything and not be judged. I remember once I said I wanted to go and burn my aunties house down with her in it cos I hated her so much. And everyone just nodded and murmured agreement as though Id said it was a nice day outside. No judgement at all.


  • #6
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thanks so much for the replies I feel a little more relieved to know that maybe I'm not in the wrong place, I suppose a lot of the regular people who speak up, have had very bad experiences. Also maybe I'm tuning into the worse ones thinking I feel like a fraud in here!!

    Its true its more about how you feel about the situation. It amazes me how different people take in different situations that happened in child hood, I guess some are more sensitive than others.

    I do feel that most there seem to have the same personalty traits as me. Im still afraid to get too close or even stay and chat to others in case they ask me why Im there. I dont think Im very good at expressing myself to others or telling others how I feel or felt when I was growing up. My memories are getting a little hazy so its hard to know exactly how I felt all I know is that I wasnt happy growing up, hated myself most of time and now have social anxiety, and low self esteem that takes over where I want to go in life especially my career and dealing with others in authority.

    I also spent the last few years trying to think positively and forget about the past so its hard to go back over it when I feel I've dealt with it. My life is pretty good otherwise but I just cant shake this nagging anxiety and feeling of 'Im not good enough'. I guess subconsciously Im not over things and havent dealt with them properly.


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  • #7
    username123
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,484 ✭✭✭username123


    MEODJS wrote: »
    Im still afraid to get too close or even stay and chat to others in case they ask me why Im there. I dont think Im very good at expressing myself to others or telling others how I feel or felt when I was growing up. My memories are getting a little hazy so its hard to know exactly how I felt all I know is that I wasnt happy growing up, hated myself most of time and now have social anxiety, and low self esteem that takes over where I want to go in life especially my career and dealing with others in authority.

    When the time is right you will speak. For me the healing didnt start happening until I spoke up, because until then I wasnt fully engaging with the process.

    The only advice I can give is to try to go that extra mile to speak because its so worth it. You wont get the best out of it until you start putting into it. It doesnt matter whether or not you are a good communicator because again, its not about what the other people hear and think about you and what you say, its about you being able to talk in a safe environment with no judgement.

    All you have to say is what I highlighted in bold above.


  • #8
    Pandora2
    Closed Accounts Posts: 937 ✭✭✭Pandora2


    I first spoke to someone over a coffee at the end of the meeting and they didn't ask me for the reason I was there or what qualified me, their question was very simple, How are you today?? Even to say hello to someone at that stage was a fear for me!!

    Over weeks I was gently encouraged to chat, then as I began to build relationships we would regularly go for long chats after the meeting in coffee bars......I began sharing there as I heard them describe their experiences I was able to recognise my own story and through this gently encouraged empathy was able to put into words my feelings.

    It took me a long time to leave myself open to such contact but, one night I just started to help tidy up and got a coffee whilst doing it...wasn't long before someone said Hello.....You could give that a try...I know it helped in my own journey. Interesting to that as I progressed I actively sought out smaller meetings 10/15 attendees as I found them more beneficial for me but each to their own :-) I wish you well . P


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