Just Wondering

Neadine

Ok, to start off with I am a straight female and just looking for some..... thing.
I was involved in a relationship with a man in his mid-40's for a number of years, totally in love, blah, blah. He has wonderful kids from a previous relationship of 20+ years.
Anyway, recently, he dropped a bombshell that in the last 6 months of our relationship he had also been involved in a physical relationship with another man. To say I was shocked would be a huge understatement. I really think I am far more hurt by the lies and the deceit than whys and who's.
I would never previously considered myself to be narrow minded, always thought that the world was full of people who were all different and equally fabulous. The evening that he told me he even commented; 'You have gay friends, so what's the problem?'
I'm just really curious to know, how common is it that people life one life for so long and then ..... something else, and different.

baby and crumble

I have to say, your ex sounds like a gimp. Not because he likes guys too, but because he carried on behind your back and cheated on you.

To answer your actual question though, an awful lot of people are new coming out as gay or bi in later years- it's actually an interesting phenomenon. This is an interesting article about lesbians coming out later on. It happens. Some people who have come out early in life discover they are drawn to members of the opposite sex, it does happen both ways.

Neadine

baby and crumble wrote: »

I have to say, your ex sounds like a gimp. Not because he likes guys too, but because he carried on behind your back and cheated on you.

To answer your actual question though, an awful lot of people are new coming out as gay or bi in later years- it's actually an interesting phenomenon. This is an interesting article about lesbians coming out later on. It happens. Some people who have come out early in life discover they are drawn to members of the opposite sex, it does happen both ways.

Thank you, just for replying.
The few friends that I have told are completely dumb struck for various reason. And I have to admit I'm... 'embarrassed', shocked and surprised that in all the time I spent with him I never saw it coming. Going to the clinic to be tested after he told me was probably one of the most soul destroying moments of my life.

Neadine

baby and crumble wrote: »

I have to say, your ex sounds like a gimp. Not because he likes guys too, but because he carried on behind your back and cheated on you.

To answer your actual question though, an awful lot of people are new coming out as gay or bi in later years- it's actually an interesting phenomenon. This is an interesting article about lesbians coming out later on. It happens. Some people who have come out early in life discover they are drawn to members of the opposite sex, it does happen both ways.

I actually asked him the question if sex was better with a man or a woman and he said that sex was far better with a woman... that just added to my confusion to the whole situation.

paulmorro

Neadine wrote: »

'You have gay friends, so what's the problem?'

OK, well that right there is such a d*ck thing to say. His sexuality and wherever he might be in his coming out process is no excuse for playing around and messing with your feelings. Some men seem to think that its ok cause its not the same or whatever and that's just total crap!

For you, being pissed off with this is normal, and doesn't in any way make you narrow-minded. You're perfectly right. And don't be embarrassed that you didn't see it coming. There's not necessarily any reason that you would pick it up in his personality or habits.

As B&C said, what he's going through isn't unusual. We grow up conditioned to be straight in general as it can take people varying lengths of time to figure out what's right for them. But again, that doesn't give them carte blanche to get their kicks at someone else's expense.

DazMarz

Awful thing to happen to you. I'm so sorry for all the trouble and emotional turmoil this must be causing you.

And no, there is no excuse. He cheated on you. End of. Whether it was with a man or a woman, it makes no difference. He betrayed your confidence and hurt you. The only difference in his cheating with a man is that the potential health risks for you could be increased if he was daft enough not to use protection.

Stay strong.

stephen_n

Would he have used the justification, that you have female friends, had it been a woman he had cheated on you with? As B&C said he's a dick, his sexuality or issues around it are no excuse or a reason for him not being able to keep his pants on. Unfortunately he just lacks respect for you, even without knowing you, I can safely say you deserve far better!

Neadine

I know he is a dick, and a prized liar, and being gay or straight doesn't make him less or more of anything. He is a horrible person, and just wish I realised that a few years ago, would have saved myself lots of stress, drama and heart ache, and other things.
I'm just curious, how common is it that people can live one life for so long and then suddenly... 'change'?

baby and crumble

Neadine wrote: »

I'm just curious, how common is it that people can live one life for so long and then suddenly... 'change'?

I think it's important to note here that for those people who come out later in life, it's not really they themselves that change- they may have been hiding these thoughts for decades, and are now being true to themselves and their feelings.

In general people grow and change all the time.

manic mailman

baby and crumble wrote: »

I think it's important to note here that for those people who come out later in life, it's not really they themselves that change- they may have been hiding these thoughts for decades, and are now being true to themselves and their feelings.

In general people grow and change all the time.

Couldn't agree more. I only recently came out to one of my close friends (and so it begins!) but to get back on point...it's not that I suddenly 'changed' - To me it's more that I've just realised who I am a little quicker than other might.

Neadine

baby and crumble wrote: »

I think it's important to note here that for those people who come out later in life, it's not really they themselves that change- they may have been hiding these thoughts for decades, and are now being true to themselves and their feelings.

In general people grow and change all the time.

I just find it really hard to get my head around how someone can be md 40's, have had relationships with women, and been attracted to women, have 4 kids. Lead a pretty active sex life, with a woman, and then one day decide that's not what does it for them anymore...

Shakti

I suppose to be blunt about it Neadine you don't have to understand or get your head around it just accept that for some people that's the way it is for them. I'm sorry that you were deceived by this person but the gender of the person they had sex with behind your back is irrelevant.

Neadine

Shakti wrote: »

I suppose to be blunt about it Neadine you don't have to understand or get your head around it just accept that for some people that's the way it is for them. I'm sorry that you were deceived by this person but the gender of the person they had sex with behind your back is irrelevant.

I disagree with you completely, this whole thing has had a huge impact on my life, and on me as a person, and for that reason, I do need to get my head around it, and understand it on some level for me, to deal with it, put it behind me, and move on.

paulmorro

Neadine wrote: »

I disagree with you completely, this whole thing has had a huge impact on my life, and on me as a person, and for that reason, I do need to get my head around it, and understand it on some level for me, to deal with it, put it behind me, and move on.

There's two things going on here Neadine. First, he cheated on you and second that it was with a guy.

On the first thing, yo seem to be with it that it was a pricky thing to do and that's great that you realise that.

On the second, I think you might be over thinking things. People are what they are. He's gay/bi. He's coming to realise that now for whatever reason. Probably because its always been there, all the way through the marriage and through your relationship. Now if I was to guess, I would say that he started thinking seriously about this stuff after the long marriage and you just got involved when he was/is readjusting after a 20 year + relationship and still deciding what he really wants. Unfortunately for you, that question of what am I/what do I want seems to have hit you in the middle of your relationship.

You talking about the impact it has on you as a person suggests, for me, that you think you're in some way responsible for him turning towards guys. If that is what you're thinking, you couldn't be further from the truth! If he likes guys, he probably always has. You didn't cause that, it just is. Why it came out now? Hard to say, but in general its more acceptable now than in the 80s/90s when he got married and so maybe he's more comfortable in himself with what he's feeling these days.

The important thing for you to remember is that 1) there is no excuse for cheating You were in a monogamous relationship and he betrayed the trust you had in him and 2) you didn't do anything to change him. He likes guys because he likes guys. Some people realise when they're 12, others don't realise til their 40s or later. But the timing is down to them and their circumstances, not you.

Shakti

Neadine wrote: »

I disagree with you completely, this whole thing has had a huge impact on my life, and on me as a person, and for that reason, I do need to get my head around it, and understand it on some level for me, to deal with it, put it behind me, and move on.

I think everyone has recognised including myself that this has had a huge impact on you and it is not acceptable behaviour in a monogamous relationship. Moving on from that with a view to you getting your head around it as you say explain to us why you think it matters that they cheated with a guy more than if it was a girl?

Neadine

Shakti wrote: »

I think everyone has recognised including myself that this has had a huge impact on you and it is not acceptable behaviour in a monogamous relationship. Moving on from that with a view to you getting your head around it as you say explain to us why you think it matters that they cheated with a guy more than if it was a girl?

I think I actually have a bigger issue with the lies, deceit and being misled rather than who he cheated with.