Untitled.

El Guapo!

I posted this in the Write Club forum a couple of days ago but it's very quiet in there so I thought I'd stick it in here to get a bit of feedback. Basically I haven't got a clue where I'm going with it or even if I'll add to it but I'm a total beginner so thought I'd just write anything and try improve with any feedback I get.
All criticisms welcome!

Harry Fuller had been asleep no more than fifteen minutes when he was rudely awoken by the sound of his cell phone buzzing on the nightstand. He knew this was how it went when he was on call. If he sat up all night waiting for it, the phone would remain silent but as soon as he tried to get some shut-eye you could bet your bottom dollar it'll go off. But even after 15 years on the force it still made him jump. Without opening his eyes he instinctively reached over and grabbed the phone, flipping it open and putting it to his ear.
Harry spoke into the phone while secretly praying it was a wrong number.
“Fuller.”
“Harry it's me”
Harry recognised the thick Boston accent instantly. Jim Barber had been his partner for the past six years and had woken him up like this on hundreds of occasions. Harry had repaid the favour quite a few times too over the years.
“Jim, what's up?”
“Nothin' much. Just wanted to hear your voice baby.”
Harry opened one eye and checked the clock on the nightstand.
“Cut the shít Barber. It's 3.15am. You only call me at this time when you've found a body or when Marcys kicked you out of the house again. Now which is it?”
“Quit whining you big baby. Sorry I interrupted your beauty sleep but we found another one.”
Harry opened his eyes and sat upright on the bed. Barbers words washed away any residual tiredness. His voice changed from playful to serious in an instant.
“The same M.O?”
“Yeah. Exact same. It's our guy alright. I'm here now with a couple of patrol cars. Forensics are here already.”
“Where?”
“Down by the old warehouses at the railroad. Just off 44th street. I got the coffees. Extra strong. It's gonna be a long night”
Harry knew the area around the warehouses well. He used to get into trouble for playing there as a kid. Back then it was a harmless enough area and he and his friends saw it as an adventureland. Lots of places to hide, things to climb, and just a place to get up to mischief. But in the past twenty years it had become a favourite haunt of crack addicts, prostitutes, and the homeless. This hadn't been the first murder off 44th street and Harry knew it probably wouldn't be the last.
“I'll be there in ten minutes.”

Harry grabbed his gun and his badge and made his way out to his Lincoln Towncar. He lit up a cigarette, hopped into the car and headed east. 44th street was only a few blocks away and Harry felt a knot tighten in his stomach as he drew closer. It was the same feeling he got back when he took on his first murder case and he hadn't felt it in years. He knew what was waiting for him up ahead. In the past two months there had been a string of murders all apparently by the same killer. Four to be precise. This would be number five.

As Harry got out of his car and walked towards the flashing blue lights and yellow police tape he could see Barber talking to one of the uniformed officers. Barber spotted him and walked in his direction. He handed him a cup of coffee and motioned towards one of the warehouses. They both headed for the warehouse.
Harry took a sip of his coffee before speaking.
“What have we got so far?”
“Same as the others Harry. Tortured. He burned him with a blowtorch for a while and then cut out the tongue and eyes. Finished him off with a knife to the stomach.”
“Tied up?” Harry asked, already knowing the answer.
“Yup. That's the same too. Hands and feet tied with yellow police tape. And our guy didn't forget the piéce de résistance. Tied him to a rocking chair. I mean what the fúck is that all about?”
“That's his signature. He wants to stand out. I think he's sending some type of message. He enjoys the game. Probably enjoys reading about his exploits in the daily newspapers.”
The media had been having a field-day with the story since they had gotten the details of the first murder and they had the city running scared with sensational headlines. Harry tried as best he could to keep the details away from the media but his efforts were wasted. They always managed to get the info and the front pages were plastered with bad rocking chair puns.
“He's just inside the door of this one Harry. A homless guy called it in at about 2.20am. Said he was looking for somewhere to sleep when he found him. Puked his dinner up when he seen it.”

Harry entered the doorway and scanned the room. It was filled with broken bottles, old shopping carts, newspapers, and any other type of trash you could think of. It was a nightmare of a crime scene to sift through and Harry knew he had his work cut out. The forensics team were busy going through their routines. Photographing every inch of the scene, and going through the place with a fine tooth comb. One of the team was dustin for fingerprints and Harry laughed to himself. He knew there would be no prints. The same as the last four. This guy was too careful to leave prints behind. He was meticulous in setting up the scene. Down to the last detail, everything about the body was identical to the others.
Harry spoke into his dictaphone. “Victim is a white male. 35-40. Approximately 200lbs. Injuries seem to be the same as the other victims. Extensive burns, tongue and eyes removed and a large kitchen knife to the torso.”
Harry noticed the medical examiner and clicked off the dictaphone. “How ya doin' Sally?”
“Harry Fuller! We have to stop meeting like this.” Sally Meyer gave Harry a wink and a smile and turned back to the body.
“Same guy Harry. All the wounds are consistent with the other victims”
“Yeah I figured we hadn't seen the last of this guy Sally. Any I.D?”
“Nope. No I.D. No wallet. Nothing in the pockets whatsoever. We've got another John Doe.”
“Ok, let's take a look” Harry said.
He knelt down beside the body, scanning it for anything new. Something that might jump out at him. He noticed that the man was well dressed. Designer jeans and shirt. Versace. And a pair of shoes that Harry knew for a fact were more than $400.
“Expensive taste Mr. Doe. Now what was a guy like you doing all the way down here at the railroad? Doesn't seem like your kind of scene.”

Harry looked to the forensic team and asked if they were done with the body. The sargeant in charge nodded and Harry turned to Barber.
“Gimme a hand moving him Jim will ya? Let's see what else he has for us.”
Barber got down beside the body and lifted him on one side, turning the victim over onto his front.
Sally Meyer stared at the body with a puzzled look on her face.
“What is it Sally?” Barber said.
“His shirt. It's blood-stained at the back. There's more wounds under there.”
Harry stood up to let her examine the victims back. She lifted the shirt and looked at the wounds.
“It's....it's numbers!” she exclaimed. “Carved into the body post-mortem by the looks of it.”
Harry rushed to the body to have a look. “Numbers?? What numbers? There was nothing like that on any of the other victims. Let me see.”
Harry peered over Barbers shoulder and what he saw sent a chill down his spine. He stepped backwards and leaned against the wall wide-eyed.
Barber turned to his partner, “What is it Harry?”
“It's the numbers.”
“What about the numbers? What do they mean?”
“Me.”
“Huh? What are you talking about Harry?”
“That's....that's....my badge number Jim. The killer knows who I am. He's sending me a message. He's playing with me.”

El Guapo!

Anyone?

Agent Weebley

Hi Dean09,

I began to read it, then had to skip to the end, as there was so much verbalisation and so little narration that I had to see the point of it all.

Any chance of editing it by adding another carriage return at the end of paragraphs? Narration needs to be separated from the chit chat.

You also may find that the narration needs to be bulked up a bit . . . maybe some daydreaming? You can add it in easily, as it is not connected to the flow.

I will then re-read it and be better able to respond tonight.

---

How odd . . . after posting this, I had this great idea for you, but I have been getting an Error503 from the server. I pinged boards.ie /t, and all was good on the interweb side, so I just kept trying . . . maybe there's some AntiLeaks DDOS going on here? Anyway, all is good now, even though I am going to clipboard this edit . . . just in case.

I figured my response was a little Ryvita-like, so I scanned your story and stumbled upon Harry's dictaphone and Sally's surruptitious little wink and smile. Reminds me of the old days. I used to to use a dictaphone, but everyone called it a dildaphone, so I shelved it. Too bad, as the stock ringtone had a kind of dingly-dangly sound and all the modern "silent ringing" features, if you know what I'm sayin' . . . but I digress . . . how about Harry is borderline autistic? Mum used to comfort Harry as a kid: "it's OK Harry, the only difference between autistic and artistic is r u" . . . Harry felt special. But that feeling of volume 10 chatter came to a head once again while picking up the coffee . . . everyone was chattering in the StarBucks . . . Harry could hear every conversation clearly and simultaneously . . . Harry learned to deal with it . . . it helped when Harry had lots of things on the go at once . . . heavy concentration drowned out the chatter. Or maybe the dicataphone looked similar to Harry Jr's YakBak and Harry couldn't record anything . . . full up for some reason . . . right in front of Sally, Harry's trying to figure it out, and presses play . . . and hears one of the kiddlywinks saying in a "I see dead people" kind of way: Harry wears women's underwear." Sally gives Harry a wink and a smile . . . or Harriet is a woman, Sylvester is a man, Agent Weebley is a woman?

OMG. Sorry about that, Dean09. I meant to just add that you should give it a title ASAP, like: They All Run After The Carving Knifist . . . before your edit period expires . . . then you're done for with Untitled Period as your title, which is a little too Milla Vanilla for most people.

El Guapo!

Thanks for the advice. I'll take it on board.
I was going to add in a title but as you said, it's too late to edit it now.

Any more feedback from others would be greatly appreciated.

coffee_cake

Could you throw in a few more vocative commas please, I know it's probably just a personal thing but makes it harder to read without them

It takes a bit too long to get to the point. There's too much narration and too many details. The description of how he felt before answering the phone at the start, the mechanics of actually answering a phone, all the back and forth - goes on too long.
Dialogue like this:

“That's his signature. He wants to stand out. I think he's sending some type of message. He enjoys the game. Probably enjoys reading about his exploits in the daily newspapers.”

sounds more artificial than natural. I can't imagine having a conversation with someone and them talking like that.

El Guapo!

Thanks for taking the time to read it.
Yeah I really rushed through it and have to re-write it and polish it up a lot.

That line you quoted is actually my most hated line in the piece. I instantly hated it when I wrote it. Dunno why I left it in. It seems more like he's reading from a report rather than speaking with someone. I'll take that line out altogether and make it more "real sounding".
Thanks again. Much appreciated.

donalh087

I really like it Dean. I think I could get into those characters. It is quite easy to make it physically more readable - plus for yourself it will look a lot longer.

I would like more detail. I like this kind of thing ....."made his way out to his Lincoln Towncar. He lit up a cigarette, hopped into the car and headed east. 44th street was only a few blocks away and Harry felt a knot tighten in his stomach as he drew closer" The city should always be another character in these kinds of stories. I want to know the weather, what shops he is passing, what restaurants are there, what he likes to eat, who live near him. etc.

You have a basic engaging talent but like a piano player doing the scales every day you need to practice a lot. Keep going.

El Guapo!

Thanks for the feedback. I haven't gotten around to editing this yet but I'll be sure to take your advice on board. Thanks for the positive comments.

Brian Lighthouse

I liked the piece.
I`d would also like to know what happened next.

With respect to the writing, it`s fine, no better or worse than those crime novels that appear infinite on the paperback bookshelves.

Why Boston?

Do you know the intricacies of the Boston Police?

Points to note for editing:
"...favourite haunt of crack addicts, prostitutes, and the homeless..."
The Oxford comma is no longer required. (that is the comma after the word "prostitutes")

'...“Tied up?” Harry asked, already knowing the answer...'
'...“What is it Sally?” Barber said...'
Detail.

Keep going at it, as Donalh087 said, keep practicing.
I really don`t know what Agent Weebly was trying to say to you at all.
I thought it was about layout and style.
In direct contrast to A.Weebly, Bluewolf felt your narration was too long.

Bluewolf mentions vocative commas; I see two instances where you omitted them, however, you did include one after Jim.

'...“Harry it's me”...'
'...“Jim, what's up?”...'

I would urge you to continue with this story and don`t worry about grammar et al until you get the story down. Just let it flow out of you; Hemingway called it bleeding.
Then at the editing stage you can worry about the finer detail.

I want to hear more of this story, I want to know what happens. Go on tell us.

Brian

P.S.
avoid cliches: "...you could bet your bottom dollar..."
avoid overused phrases: "...cell phone buzzing..."

Most importantly enjoy writing.

coffee_cake

“Harry it's me”
“Cut the shít Barber.
Quit whining you big baby.
“Same as the others Harry
“How ya doin' Sally?
“Same guy Harry.
“Yeah I figured we hadn't seen the last of this guy Sally.
“Expensive taste Mr. Doe.
“Gimme a hand moving him Jim
“What is it Sally?
“What is it Harry?”
“Huh? What are you talking about Harry?”
“That's....that's....my badge number Jim.

2 omissions? No, sorry, it's in most cases.

I don't think it's fair to say the Oxford comma is not required - it's a matter of opinion, really.

Dean, this isn't me picking at you, I know you need to tidy it up. Just wanted to answer Brian there

El Guapo!

Thanks for the feedback folks. I really appreciate it.

Brian Lighthouse wrote: »

Why Boston?

Do you know the intricacies of the Boston Police?

I actually just said that Barber had a Boston accent, not that it was based in Boston. But to be honest, I'm not even sure where it's based......I just jotted down the basic story first and figured I'd work out the details later! :pac:

Brian Lighthouse wrote: »

I would urge you to continue with this story and don`t worry about grammar et al until you get the story down. Just let it flow out of you; Hemingway called it bleeding.
Then at the editing stage you can worry about the finer detail.

I want to hear more of this story, I want to know what happens. Go on tell us.

Brian

P.S.
avoid cliches: "...you could bet your bottom dollar..."
avoid overused phrases: "...cell phone buzzing..."

Most importantly enjoy writing.

Good advice. I think I will continue on with the story soon and see what I can come up with. Thanks again.

bluewolf wrote: »

Dean, this isn't me picking at you, I know you need to tidy it up. Just wanted to answer Brian there

No problem. I appreciate all comments, good and bad. If I'm brutally honest, I don't actually know all the ins and outs of where commas do and don't go etc. But I'm trying to learn that as I go along, so any criticism is welcomed.

Agent Weebley

Hi Dean09,

I'm probably not the best person to advise you on punctuation, but here is an excerpt of what you wrote, with more commas inserted:

Harry Fuller had been asleep no more than fifteen minutes, when he was rudely awoken by the sound of his cell phone buzzing on the nightstand. He knew this was how it went when he was on call. If he sat up all night waiting for it, the phone would remain silent, but as soon as he tried to get some shut-eye, you could bet your bottom dollar it'll [change "it'll" to "would" - mixed tense of the past imperfect tense: "as soon as he tried," with the future perfect tense: "it will," rather than future imperfect: "it would"] go off. But even after 15 years on the force, it still made him jump. Without opening his eyes he instinctively reached over and grabbed the phone, flipping it open and putting it to his ear.

OK, some grammar too.

The, way, I, look, at, it, the, more, commas, the better.

Just kidding . . . Read it back to yourself in your head in a melodromatic or exaggerated, or even a gregarious fashion. As you add emphasis, or even emphasis you should see and hear where commas should go. Then read it back to yourself in a monotone fashion, paying attention to a possible lack of punctuation, causing 1 thought to flow into another, and also a possible miscommunication, such as:

“Nothin' much. Just wanted to hear your voice, baby.”

Harry opened one eye and checked the clock on the nightstand.

“Cut the shít, Barber; It's 3.15am. You only call me at this time when you've found a body, or when Marcy [has] kicked you out of the house again. Now which is it?”

“Quit whining, you big baby. [is he talking to his baby?] Sorry I interrupted your beauty sleep, but we found another one [strong inadvertent inference?].”

I hope this helps.