Complicated break up with BPD GF

LegacyUser

I've been going out with my SO (F25) for four and a half years, before that we also went out for one year when we were 19 and 17 respectively but broke up when I moved country for university. Then she went to live in SF with her granny during that time we stayed in contact writing long letters to each other every week or so. So we've been involved as friends and partners for quite a while now, this is just to give some timescale.

Then we decide to get back together about 4.5 years ago and she moved to london to be with me. During her time in london she has made zero effort to make any friends or social life outside of me. While our relationship was ok at the start. In about the second year she had a bad relapse with borderline personality disorder and bullemia and for about 8 months she was treating me horribly but I stuck in trying to help. Then she went back into psych hospital for a bit and started going to therapy again and for a while everything went back on track.

Over the last 18 months our relationship has changed we've both changed career and my Gf who was taking part in sports in a high level had to stop due to injury. My Gf because of this and other stresses of not knowing what she's doing with her life has been this huge ball of negative energy she's crying pretty much everyday saying how much she hates all the people we live with. I've been trying to help as much as I can but there's only so much you can do. I've tried to get her friends or encourage her to socialise but nothing helps.

Now she's gone to the states for a month to visit her granny and the day before she went she had big freak out and told me she was moving out when she returned and we were breaking up. At first I just ignored it as one of the freak outs she seems to have every couple of days at the moment. Then she went to the states and we've been in contact since and everything seems normal at her end. But for me as I let it settle in I realised I want out that I can't do the relationship any more and I'm just not attracted to her anymore.

For the two weeks she's been gone its like this huge black cloud has lifted in my life

I've made my mind up that I want to finish with her but don't know if I should tell her when she's in the states or wait til she gets back at the end of the month?

I also just don't know how to tell her as I do really love her as a friend that why I've tried to make it work but now I feel really bad about how I'm going to hurt a friend. I'm also worried about her mental health as she might attempt suicide or some other rash action. She's got no real friends where we live who I could tell or get to hang out with her.

TL:DR In a long term relation ship with a girl with borderline personality disorder, she broke up with me in a freak out but has probably forgotten. I want out but not sure how to get out due to her lack of social life/living arrangements

LegacyUser

as a girl diagnosed with BPD 6 years ago i understand your predicament

honestly i agree you have to break up with her, its not good for you to be miserable, as you know it will not be easy but here is what i would suggest you do,

i would wait until she comes back, breaking up with her while she is gone will probably cause more problems for you, you need to make your position 110% clear and thats best done face to face.

its important you know that you cannot be her friend, its not going to happen if her BPD is as bad as mine was, you need to have a clean break,

first thing i would do is advise her you want time with absolutely no contact, find a time period that suits you (a month, two months..etc) no texts, emails, block each other on facebook (so she cannot see your page), if you see each other in the street/pub..etc keep on walking no acknowledgment.

you need to be very clear on the rules and stick to them 100%. any ambiguity or wavering on your part will be mis-construed and restart the whole pain process for you and her.

if you want to resume/salvage a friendship agree after the time period has lapsed to meet up for a coffee to see if you have any chance to salvage a friendship. again be very clear on what you want, don't waiver, don't change your mind, this will do more damage then good.

if she should get suicidal while you are there or if she should freak out, bring her to the nearest hospital (or her GP), they will contact a friend or family member and you have to walk away and just realise its nothing you have done and there is nothing further you can do, she may say things to hurt you or worse, but you have to just let it go and move on.

depending on the severity of her BPD its not going to be easy but if you are clear, concise and know what supports you have, you should be able to walk away reasonably un scathed.


if it helps one of my exs suggested the above and we did it, we became great friends after, i adopted the above with another ex and we are such good friends!


but then i havent had any BPD symptoms in over 3 years now after 3 years of intense counseling as an outpatient every week.

Ellsbells

Tell her now so she has family support to deal with it.

jimmycrackcorm

Ellsbells wrote: »

Tell her now so she has family support to deal with it.

I agree with this. Ideally it should be face to face but given your living situation it would be better while she is with family.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I've been in your spot.

I was engaged to a girl with BPD. There were ok times and bad times. At the time I imagined them as good times and bad times. Looking back, there was very little in the relationship for me. The reality of the situation was that I was there as a support for her and for me I was "needed". I couldn't let myself break up with her until she crossed what was for me, a line in the sand, (cheating), and so things dragged on for 5 years. Anyway, I'll leave the detail but I empathise fully with the "black cloud lifted". At the same time, I suppose I don't want to try and categorise people too broadly. My girlfriend and your girlfriend are different people.

You already know you want to break up, all I'm saying is, don't feel as much guilt as I did. If she is genuinely BPD then it is very difficult to actually be in a real, mutual "relationship" with her.

Your real question is about the mechanics of breaking up.

The others are right, IMO. It needs to be very clear and very real and it is better to do it while she is with family. I would suggest that, if you can, you should let her family know what is happening too. This gives you the comfort of knowing that there are people that she can turn to. She will do it once you remove yourself as the alternative - completely.

On previous break up attempts, I was met with complete denial on her part, as though nothing had happend, and the pain of break-up and promises of her getting help, lured me back in.

If you're feeling guilt/pain/loss after breaking up, I see no harm in sending her a letter after the break up is done, explaining why. Apart from that however, break all contact, ignore all emails/telephone calls/texts etc. I had to fill in all of my work colleagues and family, because when she was feeling down (despite being in another "relationship") she would try all of them, to get to me.

My story with her BPD ended about 3 years ago. I probably sound like a heartless bastard at this point, but I spent 5 years giving everything I had to support her. It took a "proper" break up and the luxury of having an excuse to get out "legitimately" in my case. Looking back the relationship didn't benefit either of us despite what I was telling myself. Also, looking back, I still feel 90% regret, anger and the loss of 5 years of my life. I do still sometimes wonder how things have gone since for her, and I hope that everything is ok, but there is absolutely no desire to go back.

As a footnote, the last couple of years of my life have been fantastic! Things do work out!

Don't be shy with questions if you have any, although, I'll obviously be vague with details.