Breakup over drugs

dc5dave

Hi,
Im really struggling with this at the moment and not sure what to do.
My gf went to a festival knowing im not comfortable with her doing drugs. She never has while with me and only done e twice in the past.
She said her male freinds would have e but that she wouldnt touch it..
I made her promise which she had no prob doing so i trusted her..
She then gets home and rings me to tell me she has.. Im disgusted about it cuz she knew how i felt about it.. she promised she wouldnt yet still did.. Im not sure if dumping her was the best idea as she seems devastated! just looking for advice and she seems to think it wont happen again.

LegacyUser

Just thought I'd reply, because I know how it feels to be on your gfs side of things.

My girlfriend hates me smoking- cigarettes, that is. I was a smoker long before I met her. After a few months of going out, I decided to give up, and she was delighted. It went well at first, but I started having a few smokes when on a night out, then regularly behind her back. Needless to say, she soon copped on. I made more promises and they were also broken.

I must stress out relationship was great apart from this, never any other issues, I just couldn't kick the fags. She dumped me over it in the end.

On reflection, I have to say good riddance. I was unhappy in the relationship when ultimatums were introduced. I felt like saying "fu*k you, I can have a fag if I want. I work hard, and want to enjoy myself".

The upshot, I suppose, is that if you are uncomfortable with her doing something, and you put pressure on her to stop, she will resent you. My gf never smoked, so never understood my smoking. I made promises that I broke, and I only have myself to blame for that. But be careful that you are not overly controlling, as I felt my gf was.

All the best with it anyway!

supernature

Very tricky.

Sounds like there is a small mountain of problems there that could grow and grow.

From the brief bit of information there she sounds like she likes to do drugs and that it has been a bit of a challenge for you and her to ensure that she did not take any.

That she knows that you do not like them, did them, and then told you suggests that you would be entering a cycle of stress if you were to get back together again. You fretting, her lapsing and taking rowing, breaking up then making up.

All sounds mighty stressful.

Easy to say break free before it gets to this stage.

Let her grow out of it in her own time if that is what she wants to do. If it isn't, well you're never going to stop her, just break both your hearts going round and round like this.

Life is too short.

dc5dave

supernature wrote: »

Very tricky.

Sounds like there is a small mountain of problems there that could grow and grow.

From the brief bit of information there she sounds like she likes to do drugs and that it has been a bit of a challenge for you and her to ensure that she did not take any.

That she knows that you do not like them, did them, and then told you suggests that you would be entering a cycle of stress if you were to get back together again. You fretting, her lapsing and taking rowing, breaking up then making up.

All sounds mighty stressful.

Easy to say break free before it gets to this stage.

Let her grow out of it in her own time if that is what she wants to do. If it isn't, well you're never going to stop her, just break both your hearts going round and round like this.

Life is too short.

Im honestly not sure if she likes them or not. It's the first time she has done them in a year and a half together..
Just to be clear she did them twice before she met me.. She says she didn't plan on taking it and it was half a pill.. She also says the minute she took it she regretted it and tried to make herself sick.. I dunno whether to believe her or not but she is upset I dumped her.
She says I'm overreacting.. I don't care that she tried e before she met me and it wasn't an issue before this and in fairness a lot of young people have tried pills!.. I just don't know if u can trust her.. She says that a lot of people were doing it at the festival and that made her relax about it

daisybelle2008

I think you may need to lighten off her. It sounds horrible for both of ye, you judging and policing her and her feeling guilty and trying to monitor her behaviour as a result.
She is a grown woman if it is only very mild recreational use at festivals I would say that you are being too hard on her.
You are getting her to make promises that are very difficult to keep and then getting 'disgusted' with her when she does not live up to your ideals.
She was very honest with you when she did not need to be, she could have lied and said she didn't do anything.
I would leave it alone as the other person said she will grow out of it in her own time.
I appreciate you feel how you feel about drugs but the odd e at a festival is not a sign she will end up on skid row. And in all honesty it must have been hard for her to turn it down on your behalf when everyone else had a buzz on and was enjoying the music & atmosphere.

Just saw your last most, I agree with her, I think you are overreacting. But I understand you feel how you feel, seems a minor thing to be condidering dumping someone over IMHO.

ebixa82

What exactly is your problem with her taking drugs?

Are you concerned she might harm her body or is it because drugs are illegal. Did her taking drugs once in a blue moon harm you in anyway?

Alcohol is a much more harmful drug on the person and on society. So unless you are tee-total then yes, you over reacted.

Remember she didn't have to tell you she took them. But she chose to do so. That must count for something.

dc5dave

ebixa82 wrote: »

What exactly is your problem with her taking drugs?

Are you concerned she might harm her body or is it because drugs are illegal. Did her taking drugs once in a blue moon harm you in anyway?

Alcohol is a much more harmful drug on the person and on society. So unless you are tee-total then yes, you over reacted.

Remember she didn't have to tell you she took them. But she chose to do so. That must count for something.

It's something that I find very unattractive in a girl and she knows this!! My friends do all sorts of drugs and I'd never lecture them.. I'm not really anti-drugs.. But am I in the wrong not wanting to be with a girl who does drugs.. She has her things she is weird about that I stand by yet she couldn't stick to this. That's part of it too.. Iv often been in an environment where every1 around me is doing drugs and iv never felt pressure to take them. I don't see why she is any different.. It's really hard cuz I do love her and know she lives me..

daisybelle2008

dc5dave wrote: »

It's something that I find very unattractive in a girl and she knows this!! My friends do all sorts of drugs and I'd never lecture them.. I'm not really anti-drugs.. But am I in the wrong not wanting to be with a girl who does drugs.. She has her things she is weird about that I stand by yet she couldn't stick to this. That's part of it too.. Iv often been in an environment where every1 around me is doing drugs and iv never felt pressure to take them. I don't see why she is any different.. It's really hard cuz I do love her and know she lives me..

Your problem is you find it unbecoming in a girl? Not sure what advise to give you now, have you told her this, I.e that it is fine for your guy friends but not women?
I would have told you where to go but clearly she is more tolerant of having her behaviour controlled by you.
Good luck in your relationship, you are going to need it.

ebixa82

dc5dave wrote: »

It's something that I find very unattractive in a girl and she knows this!! My friends do all sorts of drugs and I'd never lecture them.. I'm not really anti-drugs.. But am I in the wrong not wanting to be with a girl who does drugs.. She has her things she is weird about that I stand by yet she couldn't stick to this. That's part of it too.. Iv often been in an environment where every1 around me is doing drugs and iv never felt pressure to take them. I don't see why she is any different.. It's really hard cuz I do love her and know she lives me..

Firstly, f you'd never lecture your friends but would lecture her then that is basic double standards.

You are not in the wrong for not wanting to be with her if that's how you feel. You can chose who you want to be with for whatever reasons you want.

You are trying to force her not to do something. That is being over controlling, wether it be drugs or a short dress on a girls night out etc.

Remember she is an adult, and her own person. She should be allowed make her own choices in life.

Even thou you say you love her, if you can't get over the fact that she has taken drugs a handful of times in her life, then yes, it's best you split and let her live her life.

dc5dave

ebixa82 wrote: »

dc5dave wrote: »

It's something that I find very unattractive in a girl and she knows this!! My friends do all sorts of drugs and I'd never lecture them.. I'm not really anti-drugs.. But am I in the wrong not wanting to be with a girl who does drugs.. She has her things she is weird about that I stand by yet she couldn't stick to this. That's part of it too.. Iv often been in an environment where every1 around me is doing drugs and iv never felt pressure to take them. I don't see why she is any different.. It's really hard cuz I do love her and know she lives me..

Firstly, f you'd never lecture your friends but would lecture her then that is basic double standards.

You are not in the wrong for not wanting to be with her if that's how you feel. You can chose who you want to be with for whatever reasons you want.

You are trying to force her not to do something. That is being over controlling, wether it be drugs or a short dress on a girls night out etc.

Remember she is an adult, and her own person. She should be allowed make her own choices in life.

Even thou you say you love her, if you can't get over the fact that she has taken drugs a handful of times in her life, then yes, it's best you split and let her live her life.

I only care about the time with me..
I don't stop her doing anything else.. I suppose I should probably be with somebody who doesn't want to do drugs for themselves.. I let her do her own thing in every other way.. I suppose iv got my answer.. It's controlling of me to not want her to do drugs and to be honest that ain't fair in her and I don't want to be that guy

supernature

dc5dave wrote: »

Im honestly not sure if she likes them or not. It's the first time she has done them in a year and a half together..
Just to be clear she did them twice before she met me.. She says she didn't plan on taking it and it was half a pill.. She also says the minute she took it she regretted it and tried to make herself sick.. I dunno whether to believe her or not but she is upset I dumped her.
She says I'm overreacting.. I don't care that she tried e before she met me and it wasn't an issue before this and in fairness a lot of young people have tried pills!.. I just don't know if u can trust her.. She says that a lot of people were doing it at the festival and that made her relax about it

So....

Lots of mied messages there. But it sounds like she's testing you & you both pressurising each other in different ways. You wanting her to not do things that you do not approve of, her seeing how far she can push you. Not a healthy situation for either of you.

Do you really want to be with her? If so see how things go a bit longer and if this was just festival exuberance, we've all done things in the heat of a moment some we move along from some hang us.

Hope you work things out together & not bouncing back & forth for a lifetime over things like this. Some people do.

LegacyUser

OP I agree that making her promise not to do something is very controlling behaviour, and was absolutely the wrong thing to do but in saying that i do understand where you're coming from.

I have friends who take drugs, that's fine by me, it's there choice/life, but it's not something I personally have any interest in. There's no way I'd go out with a guy who was into drugs however, no matter how infrequently, I just find it very unattractive behaviour, in the same way that I have no problem with friends who smoke, but I couldn't share my life with a smoker.

IMHO your reasons for not finding drug taking an attractive quality in a partner are irrelevant, the simple fact is you don't. If that's a deal breaker for you then it's only fair you let her go and both of you live your lives how ye see fit. If however you dumped her because you made her promise not to do something and she did, that's a whole other bundle of issues that lie within you which may want to examine going forward in future relationships...

dc5dave

fdasfdafaf wrote: »

OP I agree that making her promise not to do something is very controlling behaviour, and was absolutely the wrong thing to do but in saying that i do understand where you're coming from.

I have friends who take drugs, that's fine by me, it's there choice/life, but it's not something I personally have any interest in. There's no way I'd go out with a guy who was into drugs however, no matter how infrequently, I just find it very unattractive behaviour, in the same way that I have no problem with friends who smoke, but I couldn't share my life with a smoker.

IMHO your reasons for not finding drug taking an attractive quality in a partner are irrelevant, the simple fact is you don't. If that's a deal breaker for you then it's only fair you let her go and both of you live your lives how ye see fit. If however you dumped her because you made her promise not to do something and she did, that's a whole other bundle of issues that lie within you which may want to examine going forward in future relationships...

Yeah that's true she of course should be let do what she wants.I actually agree its just I was worried about her as well. So I was prob a bit desperate! I think while for most people it might be an over reaction that iv done the right thing. It's best in the long run for both of us.