Lost young guy

will.i.am

Well to being with I am almost a 20 year old guy and I am looking for a bit of advice on this.
Well to begin with I was always a bullied child in Primary school and I had a hard time. A family member be-friend me during this time and was nice to me he bought nice things and brought me to places, gave me money and he even still does but I normally try and reject his gifts now . So, I was happy I had complete trust in him. After awhile he began to sexually abuse me and I had no idea what he was doing at first I just thought he was being nice to me but I know I should have known but I didn't. I had no idea what sex was. This continued through my later years in Primary school and he started to get more aggressive with me he also started hitting me when he didn't get what I wanted. He made me go to a secondary school that I din't want to go to but I wen to keep him happy. This made me loose all my friends he knew what he also stopped me from seeing them at weekends so I was complete alone during first year of secondary he really got at me then he really started to sexually abuse me this on top of being really badly bullied in secondary school things were really bad. At this point I knew what was going on and I hated myself. I was a weak person but I did try and stop it but he tried to choke me. He put both of his hands around my neck and he tried to choke me. Still to this day I can't let any one touch my neck especially or most of my body to be honest. I did cum when he was at me and me and this lead me to think I might be gay. I have no idea if I am or not. I do feel attracted to guys tough but I have never even kissed a guy or girl. I go out to night clubs and I hate anyone touching me or trying to make a move on me. So, I pull away from girls or tell them I am gay just to get rid of them in a polite way. I will buy them a drink or whatever being nice buts I just don't want to be touched. The abuse stopped in 2008. However in 2009 this guy cornered me in a hospital when I was visiting my grandmother and he massaged my back and the thing is I just froze I didn't know what to do. I actually often froze when he was at me. It's a very hard thing to explain. In school I as always a quite guy I never really caused trouble I did have one problem and that was I hated being controlled by teachers and I rebelled against them but this rarely happened because I mainly had good teachers.
I got bullied a lot during secondary school. I only had one friend there really and I haven't seen him since last Summer. I really struggled with exams but I got around 300 points and went on to do a course that I found okay only I didn't love it. It's grand. During the year I did make a few friends and got on with people but I don't want to get too close to anyone because I find it really hard to trust people.
My home life is okay now well that man isn't in my life now. I have never being that close to my dad because we are polar opposites. I do get on with my mam and my sister but I could never imagine telling them what happened because it would really hurt my mam especially and part of me feels she wouldn't believe me. The thing is she idolizes this man she see him as being perfect and I think she would take his side over mine . If you meet this guy on the street you would day he was a lovely guy, but he isn't he has really wrecked my life. I couldn't really tell any friends either.
They wouldn't really understand what happened to me.
Well I am almost a 20 year old guy and I have no idea where my life is going now. The one thing I did do in college was enjoy myself which I didn't do for years. I don't know whether or not i'm gay all I do know is I feel something for a man that I don't feel for a women. Does this make me gay? Did the abuse turn me this way. I don't want to be gay. I have tried ringing support lines but my problem is it's easy to type this out but its very hard for me to actually say what happened because I am really ashamed of what happened to me.
Any advice?
I will answer any question ye have if ye want more detail.
Thanks in advance!

LegacyUser

op, i'm so sorry that you've had to go through all that.

the first thing i think you should do is get in contact with some place like the rape crisis centre. i'm sure there's a sticky post at the top of this forum with a list of numbers and websites. and if you think that you wouldn't be able to say the words out loud over the phone to someone, they will probably have an e-mail address you can write to instead. but please, talk to a proffessional councellor that deals specifically with sexual abuse. they will have the knowledge and skills to help you deal with what you've gone through. more than likely if you start to deal with it in the setting of councelling, you'll feel stronger and more able to talk to your mother about it but don't feel rushed into that. you WILL be able to heal yourself from your past but it's going to take time and you need to give yourself that time.

the next thing you should consider is making a report to the gardai. it's up to you if you want to go this route, and you may not feel able to right now, but what this guy has done to you is illegal, and he may have done it to other kids, either in the past or future and he needs to be held accountable for the crime.

as for if you're gay or not - well i don't think being sexually abused either makes you gay or not, but it will definitely mess up your natural sexual development. you were only a child when this started, and without this sounding patronising in any way, you're still only 19. there's no age limit to discovering your sexuality so i wouldn't worry about labelling yourself. you need to get started on the process of healing first and the rest will come in time.

Mark in Lucan

Echo the last post....your may benefit from expert advice...
Some comments:
Easy to say but the right thing to do is to report him...
Develop a strategy for dealing with this family member..
Does he abuse anyone else...
With girls, try going with the flow, the first step is always the hardest, your thinking may be warped by the abuse, let natural sexual activity develop, the future should not be related to the past..
I dont think you are weak at all...
Get an education...
Help others...
Write it down for your family...

will.i.am

Okay.
Thanks for the advice. Well I have thought about reporting it and I know that this guy wouldn't admit to it he would totally deny it. I have absolutely no proof of what happened to me. I a weird way I am more angry at myself than him for what happened than I am at him. I also know that it will drive the family apart and when I think of people's personalities I know that his side will be taken over mine I would just be told that I was attention seeking and wanted to dirty his good name..
I did e-mail the rape crisis center before and in the e-mail I had to give a phone number and I made it clear to them that I only wanted to be contacted via e-mail, but they began ringing my phone and they made me feel really scared anyone could have picked up my phone so I kind of gave up on them.
The thing is I am great at helping others but I don't really care about myself I have helped loads of friends with there problems and I have occasionally got used by people because I can't say no. One guy in practical really used me in college he was an old mutual friend from school years ago and I ended up doing parts of his college course for him and giving him money which I never got back and he also spread rumors about me around friends I had made in college and in the apartment complex. In school he was Mr popular and I wasn't and in college and I was popular at the begging and he wasn't. I be-friend ed a girl and he slept with her before I had to make a move. He also did this with two other girls and I found out that he spread rumors around college that I was gay. For gods sake how many people gets bullied in college. I am still nice to this guy and I still do everything he says. At the start of college I was popular and he has ruined this on me I lost nearly everyone.

sintax

What you have gone through is horrendous and it is NOT your fault. This man took advantage of you and abused you. Firstly I think you should put aside the worries about your sexuality and deal with the abuse that you suffered. You could speak to your gp who would arrange counselling for you. Are you close to anyone you feel you could talk to? This will continue to eat away at you unless you get it off your chest. A problem shared is a problem halved as they say.
My husband started suffering from severe depression and got to the point where he was suicidal. He finally broke and told me about the sexual abuse he suffered from a family member as a child. I went with him to GP who was very understanding and arranged counselling. Its been a struggle but hes coming out the other side of it now a much stronger happier more confident man.
You need to deal with this first, then the sexuality side of things will be a lot clearer.
I really hope you find a way to deal with this and come to terms with it but you do need support and cant do it on your own.

will.i.am

sintax wrote: »

My husband started suffering from severe depression and got to the point where he was suicidal. He finally broke and told me about the sexual abuse he suffered from a family member as a child. I went with him to GP who was very understanding and arranged counselling. Its been a struggle but hes coming out the other side of it now a much stronger happier more confident man.

Thanks, A problem I have is I find it very hard to explain what happened its like I go to open my mouth and nothing comes out. I want to say it but I just can't get it out.
Its really hard to say I am trying to say it just to myself now and I can't open my mouth to get it out.

sintax

Dont say it then. put it in writing. Bring that to your doctor. you've put it in writing here and that in itself is a HUGE step in the right direction. You are stronger than you think xx

filmbuffboy

OP I know it might be a very hard thing to do but you should consider reporting this guy.

you say you like to help others, you might want to think of the possibility that this man is doing the same thing he did to you to another child. help that child by reporting him.

im so sorry for what happened to you and hope you can overcome it. dont give up!

ifElseThen

You mentioned on another thread that your brother is gay.
Not sure how close you and him are but maybe you should a) discuss being gay or not with him to get his perspective or help with that part of your life b) discuss your abuse with him, in case he was also a victim of the abuse

Whoever you turn to, just make sure to talk to someone. Don't keep all that bottled up inside.