Don't fancy my boyfriend in photos

LegacyUser

I am going out with a guy who is 12 years older than me. When we met over 5 years ago he looked about 8 years younger than his actual age, we didn’t look like a big age gap couple. In the last 5 years, I have aged about 4/5 but he has aged over ten years as he has gotten quite grey and has a lot of deep lines that weren’t there before. He looks about his own age now.

I can see his lines etc. when I’m with him but he’s still my wonderful boyfriend and I am hugely attracted to him but when I look at recent photos of us he looks old and I’m not attracted to him.

This probably sounds really shallow but I am worried that how I feel when I see in the photos will be how I feel in real life soon. I know that this was a risk when going out with an older guy and I am crazy about him. I just worry about not finding him attractive as it is still an important element at this stage of our relationship.

Should I talk to him about my worries or would that be cruel?

Has anyone else had an issue like this and if so how was it resolved?

Blisterman

To be honest, some people just photograph badly. I know people who look quite plain in photographs, but are breathtakingly beautiful in person.

Ellsbells

vfghuwulrhbyuwlr wrote: »

would that be cruel?

Eh, yes!!!

Do you fancy him in the flesh or not??? if yes, then stop creating problems where there are none.

Big Bag of Chips

He can't help it! So I don't see the point in trying to discuss it with him. If you do talk to him about it, what do you expect him to do?

you fancy him now, so dont worry about the photos!!

i look terrible in photos, but absolutely fabulous in real life!!!!!:D:D:D

seriously though, this isnt a problem. if in the future you dont fancy him in rela life, then it becomes a problem.

cantdecide

I'm another that looks crap in pics (marginally better in real life ). He's changing at a pace that you weren't expecting. It's not his fault. If his age issue is coming to a head after all, unfortunately you're the one with a problem and some decisions to make. Otherwise you have to focus on the other things that attract you to him and get on with it.

If you go through my Facebook photos, you'll see that I look completely different in each one and some don't even look like me. You fancy him in person, why on Earth would it matter about photos? You're not going out with a photo, you're going out with the person. Don't mention anything to him about it.

LegacyUser

Op it would be heartless to mention it to him as it's not something he can change. Everyone at some point will "look old" even if you were to dump him for someone younger they too will eventually "look old".

It seems to me from your post that the issue may not be that you don't find him attractive any more, but may instead lie in the fact that he now looks older than you, and on some level (embarrassment, stigma, how others perceive you, whatever) you have a problem with this. Just my take on it but might be worth thinking about...

Sleepy

Have a look at any of those "Next Top Model" shows. Most of the girls in them are moderately attractive but happen to photograph beautifully. Photogeneity and beauty are entirely different things.

Katgurl

What the other posters have said is true. I wish I looked in real life how I look in photographs. They are not truly representative. If you're still attracted to him In real life don't assume that's going to change.

Librium

I don't think any of the above posters understood your dilemma. You are right to be concerned. You should advise in a tactful manner that your bf take better care of his skin wrt moisturiser and sun exposure. Anyway if the physical attraction fades in the flesh you should consider moving on

BarackPyjama

Doesn't sound like you love him anyway so probably best to move on and let him find someone less shallow that's with him for the right reasons.

BarackPyjama

Librium wrote: »

I don't think any of the above posters understood your dilemma. You are right to be concerned. You should advise in a tactful manner that your bf take better care of his skin wrt moisturiser and sun exposure. Anyway if the physical attraction fades in the flesh you should consider moving on

Great advice! You are aware that people grow old, right? Should all couples get divorced at 40 because they're going south? :rolleyes:

Librium

When a couple grow older together their attraction matures with it. Obviously a 60 year old man is going to find a 20 year old woman more attractive than his 60 year old wife in a superficial way.

However one of the reasons they don't just get divorced is because unless the 60 year old man is very wealthy , powerful or charismatic he won't be able to get a 20 year old gf. And the wife is the same so they stay together cause they woulsnt be able to upgrade to a younger model.

ManOfMystery

Librium wrote: »

When a couple grow older together their attraction matures with it. Obviously a 60 year old man is going to find a 20 year old woman more attractive than his 60 year old wife in a superficial way.

However one of the reasons they don't just get divorced is because unless the 60 year old man is very wealthy , powerful or charismatic he won't be able to get a 20 year old gf. And the wife is the same so they stay together cause they woulsnt be able to upgrade to a younger model.

There's also a little thing called 'love' which helps some people to stay together, but hey, far be it for me to throw a wildcard like that into this thread when you have relationships summed up so succinctly already.

Rocket19

Librium wrote: »

When a couple grow older together their attraction matures with it. Obviously a 60 year old man is going to find a 20 year old woman more attractive than his 60 year old wife in a superficial way.

However one of the reasons they don't just get divorced is because unless the 60 year old man is very wealthy , powerful or charismatic he won't be able to get a 20 year old gf. And the wife is the same so they stay together cause they woulsnt be able to upgrade to a younger model.

I think you have quire a cynical attitude.
While I agree that, of course, older people will appreciate the aesthetic beauty of a "younger model", that's not to say they would dump their current, older partner if such a person became unattainable for one reason or the other!
While most relationships are (obviously) somewhat based on attraction, they're also (assuming they're good relationships, of course!), based on trust, love, friendship and having a mutual 'game plan' in life.

While looks matter, in a loving relationship they're not the bottom line, or at least they shouldn't be. Inevitably, everyone grows old. Looks fade. Sure, there's lots of things you can do, but you can't look 25 forever. Love should transcend that stuff.

Gary The Gamer

Attraction is very important, do not let anybody convince you otherwise. If you find yourself becoming unattracted to him in person then the relationship is doomed to fail at this early stage. You will begin to begrudge him for something that is not really his own fault. People start looking for ways out and all those offers taht you have been turning down become far more interesting.

BarackPyjama

Gary The Gamer wrote: »

Attraction is very important, do not let anybody convince you otherwise. If you find yourself becoming unattracted to him in person then the relationship is doomed to fail at this early stage. You will begin to begrudge him for something that is not really his own fault. People start looking for ways out and all those offers taht you have been turning down become far more interesting.

That's a fair point. But that would suggest that the OP doesn't love her partner. She never said that she did and, if she doesn't, then ending things might be the best course of action in this situation.

LegacyUser

Op im 28 and my hubbys 32 and im with him 10 years

Now 32s not old but he has aged a lot in the last few years- its his family curse, hes gone grey out of nowhere, hes developed droopy eyes , wrinkles popped up and hes started to go bald very quickly- 40% of his hairs gone in the last 6 months.

But it doesnt matter one bit to me- i look at old pics of him and he looks the same 22 year old i fell for.

Just my opinion and you may not like it, but if you look at pics of him and all you see is his grey hair and wrinkles then i think you dont really love him. Because if you really loved him he could have no teeth and a bad comb over and you would still gush. Thats just me though- and like i said you may not like my opnion but there it is