My sisters are going to disown me

ruboo

Long story short. I have been in a mentally abusive relationship for over a year now. I had tried all I could think of to work it out, because (stupid me, I know), I love him. I really do.
I finally decided to leave. I told my mother what was going on and that I was struggling with the decision. She went behind my back and told all my sisters. They went mental. They told me that I HAD to leave, I had no choice.
I have a daughter, not to this man, and in NO way is she EVER involved in any of the issues in our relationship, I am always very careful with her. I will say that the atmosphere was not ideal, but I was doing my best.
When I went to actually leave, I thought he would get angry and make my life hell in that sense, but to my honest surprise, he didn't. For the first time in our relationship, he literally broke down and poured his heart out.
He admitted and acknowledged all he had done to me and begged me to give him the chance and opportunity to change. He stated that he knew he was the one who was controlling and manipulative and he was truly sorry and wanted a chance.
I am NO fool. I understand that the relationship was not healthy and that this behaviour had to stop, and I repeatedly told him that I did not think he could change.
He enrolled himself in anger management and counselling and wants to change, and I decided that I would give him ONE chance. ONE. I mean that to the depths of my soul, ONE CHANCE.

My sister's will have nothing to do with me if I do this. I feel like this is my life and I have to live it, not them. I completely understand their concern and love, but I wish they would 'let' me make this choice.
I know it may go balls up, and if it does, it does and I WILL walk away.

I feel like l will regret it if I don't find out if things can be different, and I feel like if I don't give him this chance, then I will blame my sisters, because in all honesty, THEY would be my only reason for not giving it to them.

I love my family, but I have to make my own mistakes. Like I said, I am willing to walk away, but I feel that everyone deserves one chance, especially when they have openly admitted all they have done and want to try and rectify it.

My sisters will not speak to me and I do not know what to do. They think I am a fool for doing this and it is killing me. I personally think I am a fool if he doesn't change and THEN I stay, but I want to give him one chance.

Im just wondering if anyone has any ideas on how to talk to them about this. They will not listen. They have said they are done with me if I do this and I am just lost.

LegacyUser

ruboo wrote: »

For the first time in our relationship, he literally broke down and poured his heart out.

These are the actions of a sociopath/psychopath. He did this to help suit himself, not you or your relationship.

CommanderC

ruboo wrote: »

Long story short. I have been in a mentally abusive relationship for over a year now. I had tried all I could think of to work it out, because (stupid me, I know), I love him. I really do.
I finally decided to leave. I told my mother what was going on and that I was struggling with the decision. She went behind my back and told all my sisters. They went mental. They told me that I HAD to leave, I had no choice.
I have a daughter, not to this man, and in NO way is she EVER involved in any of the issues in our relationship, I am always very careful with her. I will say that the atmosphere was not ideal, but I was doing my best.
When I went to actually leave, I thought he would get angry and make my life hell in that sense, but to my honest surprise, he didn't. For the first time in our relationship, he literally broke down and poured his heart out.
He admitted and acknowledged all he had done to me and begged me to give him the chance and opportunity to change. He stated that he knew he was the one who was controlling and manipulative and he was truly sorry and wanted a chance.
I am NO fool. I understand that the relationship was not healthy and that this behaviour had to stop, and I repeatedly told him that I did not think he could change.
He enrolled himself in anger management and counselling and wants to change, and I decided that I would give him ONE chance. ONE. I mean that to the depths of my soul, ONE CHANCE.

My sister's will have nothing to do with me if I do this. I feel like this is my life and I have to live it, not them. I completely understand their concern and love, but I wish they would 'let' me make this choice.
I know it may go balls up, and if it does, it does and I WILL walk away.

I feel like l will regret it if I don't find out if things can be different, and I feel like if I don't give him this chance, then I will blame my sisters, because in all honesty, THEY would be my only reason for not giving it to them.

I love my family, but I have to make my own mistakes. Like I said, I am willing to walk away, but I feel that everyone deserves one chance, especially when they have openly admitted all they have done and want to try and rectify it.

My sisters will not speak to me and I do not know what to do. They think I am a fool for doing this and it is killing me. I personally think I am a fool if he doesn't change and THEN I stay, but I want to give him one chance.

Im just wondering if anyone has any ideas on how to talk to them about this. They will not listen. They have said they are done with me if I do this and I am just lost.

I have to agree with your sisters. You need to leave this guy.

There should be no need for 'second chances'. How could he do this to you at all in the first place ? You are worth so much more than that. No one should ever be treated like that by another human being.

You have to be strong.

Neyite

I would suggest that you ask your sisters to talk to counsellor in a womens refuge to gain a better understanding of DV. One of the key elements of control by an abusive partner is isolation. So if your sisters really think he is that bad, and are disowning you they are just playing directly into his hands.

The first and foremost thing the Refuges provide for women in that situation is non judgemental support should they choose to stay with a controlling partner. They know that there is massive manipulation at play and that in some cases, being confrontational can actually place the woman in more danger.

You need, which some who have never been in this situation will struggle to understand, is to see for yourself and recognise patterns in his behaviour that are classic manipulation, and be able to be objective about it. Its hard to do because you are so enmeshed in the situation. You are not ready yet for that, and its only when the anger management counselling falls by the wayside or after the initial honeymoon period that things revert back to the same as they were before that you slowly realise that.

I went back to my ex briefly, I think most women do. But my eyes had been opened and I expected tangible results from him, when he reverted back to his prior bad behaviour, I knew he had had his chance and I went. I suspect that is where you are at too.

So, I would advise you to go to your local refuge for a chat with a counseller there, your sisters too. That way, you learn how to deal with him and your sisters learn how to support you the way sisters should.

Stavro Mueller

You are misdirecting your angst. I understand why your mum went behind your back and told your sisters - she was obviously extremely concerned about what was going on. With good reason. I understand too why your sisters are doing what they're doing. They're exercising tough love in an effort to prise you away from him.

I've found previous posts you've had here about this relationship. It is obvious that for some unfathomable reason, you are incapable of walking away from this man. Despite all the cruelty, the unhappiness and the heartache he has caused you, you just can't find it within yourself to leave. Every time you've posted, people have been telling you over and over that you must leave. With very good reason too I might add. He has a hold over you and can play you like a violin.

Don't delude yourself for one second into thinking this man is going to change his tune after all this time. He has not treated you with any respect up until now so what's going to change? Oh I'm sure he'll be wonderful for the next few weeks and will "reel" you in again but don't think for one minute that this is the way it is going to continue. Because it isn't. Someone who has behaved as appallingly as this man has done is inherently ugly as a person.

It would be a very good idea for you to get in touch with Women's Aid on 1800 341 900 and have a chat with one of their people. You won't think you need help or counselling of course but you need to talk to someone who has experience with dealing in scenarios like this one.

username123

Your sisters are doing what you should be doing, drawing a line in the sand and sticking to it.

Yes, I totally agree that you have to live your own life but you had already come to the point where you were leaving this person and again he manipulated you into staying. Sure, live your own life, but that comes with taking responsibility for your actions and accepting the consequences of your behaviour.

What would be good to see happening here would be for you to see the situation objectively (which you cannot do while you are in it), and to realise that your sisters are not the people for you to be angry with. Your behaviour is unacceptable to them because you are allowing yourself to be treated so badly. Will you choose them over him? Probably not because you dont even seem capable of loving the one person who can save you - yourself.

Good luck but please try to see that youre making the wrong decision.

deisemum

I agree with the previous posters. You also need to start being a mother who thinks of her daughter growing up in such an awful environment and not just think of yourself. You're only deluding yourself if you think you're protecting your daughter from it, you're normalising this abuse for her and failing as a parent to protect her. I only hope her father is involved and putting her wellbeing first because you're not.

curlzy

Hey OP,

To be honest I feel really sorry for your sisters. I can only imagine their anger, fury and frustration that their sister is allowing herself AND their niece to be around what amounts to an abusive sc*mbag. You say you shield your daughter but quite fr*nkly that's b*llsh*t, there is no shielding a child from mental abuse. She'll see that you tiptoe around the abuser and how you placate him, what's she learning? That men are sc*m but women just have to put up with it, sure look at mammy, see how she does it, - that's what she'll learn to do too.

It wouldn't be so bad if you didn't see it but you do see it, you've said yourself you've been in a mentally abusive relationship for over a year. You're willing to teach your daughter this disturbing method of behaviour and you're quite fr*nkly nuts if you think she won't repeat it in later life. You're setting her up to be a whipping boy for an abusive man later in life. You know the saying "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree"?, well think about that, would you like to see her in this type of relationship later on? If not, have a think; what's more important, your defenceless daughter or an abusive scumbag? It's that simple. I think the way forward is blatantly obvious, as does your mother, as does your sisters but you're willing to jeopardise your daughter and yourself. Can you not see where they're coming from???

With all that said, if you really have to go through this repeatedly and do it the slow and drawn out way, and learn your lesson slowly, damaging your daughter in the process and eroding your own self-respect and self-esteem then I would suggest you do as Neyite says and get some support from people that won't be infuriated and can give you non-judgemental support. I honestly don't think it's fair to expect your sisters to support you on this. I've a little sister OP and I can tell you this for nothing that's no way I'd be supporting her in a relationship with an abuser, doubly so if a child was involved. Quite frankly I'd be pretty much doing what your sisters are and losing my mind with worry, infuriated that she's allowing herself to be abused and that my innocent niece is being subjected to this.

Honestly OP, I feel really really really sorry for your sisters, your mother and your daughter, their sense of futile anger, impotence and fury must be sickening. For all their sakes, cop on, get some help and get out.

jellygems

my ex husband started out like this, first it was mental abuse.... over the years it turned into a punch here and there, then it became a regular thing, swearing he'd never do it again... i felt trapped bcos we were married and i had 2 kids with him. i was very young and very stupid.

one night he put me in hospital and nearly killed me, even then i didnt leave, it was 3 months later one day i woke up and i had no idea who i was, who was this person taking this abuse it wasnt me, so i changed the locks and i never let him back, no matter how much he cried and begged...

for your own sake leave now, im not saying ull end up like me but once abusive he will always be, i dont want u to wake up one day and wonder where uve gone and how uve let someone who's supposed to love u do this to u

btw at 31 and 3 years later im really enjoying my life again

Honey-ec

ruboo wrote: »

For the first time in our relationship, he literally broke down and poured his heart out.
He admitted and acknowledged all he had done to me and begged me to give him the chance and opportunity to change. He stated that he knew he was the one who was controlling and manipulative and he was truly sorry and wanted a chance.

OP, this business of breaking down and saying how sorry he is is simply another way of controlling you. Nothing else. He's not sorry. He's not going to change. He doesn't think he has a problem. He is simply saying whatever he thinks he needs to to keep you where you are. I spent almost three years as a teen with an older man who knew every trick in the book about how to make me feel bad about his behaviour. He's a bit jealous and controlling? It's only cause he loves me so much. Doesn't want me to see my friends anymore? It's only because he wants to spend every minute with me. Went off on one over something insignificant? It's only because he can't keep his emotions in, he's so mad about me.

I know you feel like your sisters are ganging up on you. They're not - they are engaged in a last-ditch, desperate attempt to get you to see sense. Regardless of what you decide to do, please do not tell your boyfriend about their ultimatum - it would be music to his ears to think your sisters are threatening not to see you anymore. And despite what they say, they will ALWAYS be there for you. If you go against all the advice on this thread and give this man another chance, and it doesn't work out, please don't be too afraid/proud to go back to your sisters anyway.

username123

OP I just read some of your previous posts about this man. Your sisters are doing the right thing, please take care of yourself and your child and leave this man.

Esoteric_

Most of the posters have covered what I want to say, but I'll add this -

Are you going to be happy? Can you cope with living on edge, always worrying that his temper will flare back up again? Anger management is great, but if somebody is genuinely abusive (which your partner is btw), it is only a temporary fix.

He hasn't got anger issues alone. He has problems with abuse, control and manipulation and no amount of anger management will fix these.

LegacyUser

I feel so sorry for your poor kid what are you at op? She should be your number one priority not some controlling low life who has zero respect for you.

daisybelle2008

The most important thing is for YOU to change. Change from someone who tolerates abuse, someone who deceives people as to the extent of the abuse (even your own daughter).
I remember your other threads and to be honest I think maybe you are a little bit of a being a Martyr to your own misery and at some level you enjoy the drama and are addicted to the dysfunctional 'passion'.

You never heed any of the great advise advise at all but are happy to entertain him and 'blog' away about it and ignore the devastating impact to your self, your family and your daughter.

I really can't understand the catalogue of misery you have posted about this relationsip for well over a year. You continually write very long, descriptive posts and then completely ignore everybodys advise. There is a saying that there are no victims only volunteers and it is very true in your case.

You seem to have your eyes wide open. To be honest I think you would find a normal relationship boring (like with your ex husband).
In fact I really am not sure who is manipulating who. It really is not black and white. I get that from all your posts, I have read them all and I don't think you treat him very well either. You are clearly totally incompatible but carry on regardless of the destruction and impact to both of yer children.

The relationship is full jealousy, lying, disrespect, name-calling, swearing, yelling, paranoid insecurity, possibly cheating .
And you call that a relationship and 'love'. It is no such thing. Love is none of those things, and it does not co-exist peacefully with those things.

You don't have deal-breakers or good standards for how someone treats you in a relationship. Forget about his 'anger management', get some counselling, work on your self-esteem.

Ellsbells

You are deluding yourself if you think your kid isn't learning from this...

username123

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

I remember your other threads and to be honest I think maybe you are a little bit of a being a Martyr to your own misery and at some level you enjoy the drama and are addicted to the dysfunctional 'passion'.

Im inclined to think this is true. If you truly wanted to change things you would.

You may even get off on posting about all this drama and generating more drama by people responding and stirring up more excitement about it?

I agree with the poster who advises you get counselling and sort yourself out.

Magicmatilda

His reaction is to be expected. Google cycle of abuse and you will identify I'm sure. You are correct that you should be allowed to make you own mistakes, you are, how ever please don't do your daughter the disservice of believing she is not affected. If you truly believe that you are delusional. Though you probably are anyway, a person would have to be to stay in this situation. Maybe you should suggest to your partner that you have a trial separation while he seeks help. That way you can exhibit to your sisters that you are changing your behaviour while he changes his. After all if he loves you he should be willing to do anything to keep you. Incidentally has he begun treatment? When is his first session booked for? I would strongly suggest that you seek counselling for yourself also. Again this demonstrates taking some action. I don't think you mean to harm your daughter, I'm sure you love her very much but make no mistake you are harming her. Every day she spends on this atmosphere is a day she will not get back, another day if her precious childhood gone.get to a counsellor, take a temporary break from this guy for a few weeks and see how the land lies.

iguana

First off, Neyite has given you some great advice. I can understand why your sisters are doing what they are doing and I believe they truly think it is the best thing for you and not an attempt to undermine or belittle you. However it is an action that will only serve to isolate you and leave you more vulnerable. Perhaps approach your sisters and ask them to accompany you when you go see a domestic violence counsellor and ask them if they would consider also talking to someone about how they feel about your situation while they are there. It's the best way to move forward as no matter what you end up doing you will have help and support instead of isolation and frustration.

Secondly, I'm not going to tell you to leave him like all of the other posters have. I understand that advice like that is not likely to make a jot of difference when you have your mind made up. However I am going to ask you some questions that I hope will make you start questioning your decision to stay with him. What has he done to change? Has he made an appointment with his GP, given an honest and frank account of his behaviours and asked for a psychiatric consult to assess his mental state and if he needs treatment to help him behave like a normal grown man? Has he arranged counselling that he has been intensively attending over these last few days/weeks and he's genuinely attempting to work on changing his appalling behaviour? Has he made an appointment for you both to see a qualified relationship counsellor who can help you both through this difficult time as he works on his issues and help you both heal the damage already done to your relationship? Or is it just that he is being nicer now, being on best behaviour and making you feel attached to him again? If so, do you really think that will last?

I don't think people are two dimensional, I don't think that someone who is a nasty, mentally abusive partner now is doomed to be that way forever. I know people can change, I know that sometimes a fear of losing something/someone they love can instigate them to make a change. But I also know that change will not happen quickly and easily. If something is really wrong, like it is in your relationship, an undertaking made under pressure is not at all likely to lead to any real change. Real change happens after a determined effort and lots of hard, heart-wrenching work and even then there is no guarantee that he will be successful in his attempt. So ask yourself if you really need to spend the next weeks or months giving him one last chance. You should already know what kind of effort he is making. You've said nothing about the serious hard work he has already undertaken so I suspect he's doing nothing but paying you a bit of lip service until you forget about leaving him. But you live with him, you know. Has he really done anything worthy of you giving him this chance?

Big Bag of Chips

If you found out one of your sisters was in an abusive relationship. Had made up her mind to finally leave after reaching a point where she could take no more. Was so determined to do it that she finally found the courage to talk to your mam about it, but then back tracked on it all because he promised things would be different... How would you feel for your sister?

You might not like how your sisters are handling this, but they have a right to be upset and outraged on your behalf.

They would never put up with that sort of treatment from their boyfriends/partners so cannot fathom why you do..

Yes, you have to live your own life and make your own mistakes.. but your sisters don't have to like it!

Edit: just on the ONE last chance that you give him... What if he slips up, in the heat of the moment (because all couples disagree and argue.. its 'normal'). So in the heat of the moment he reverts back to his old ways, and you pack your bags... And he begs you to help him. He didn't mean it. He's trying so hard to change. He has made huge progress, but you wont even allow him one honest mistake. One stumble on his road to improvement. After everything he has done to prove how much he loves you, you can't do this one thing for him and forgive him one slip up?

So will you actually give him 2 chances? 3? Because he really is trying, but it is not easy to completely change who/what you are, without occasional 'slips'. It doesn't just happen over night.. it takes time & hard work. So, really, shouldn't you appreciate that and give him numerous chances?

(Before anyone misunderstands, the Edit is done from his point of view, using the arguments he will try use against her if she tries to leave again... Not my thoughts and argument!)

LegacyUser

I agree with the last three posts very much and I was in the same boat.

I didn't read your older threads but I will share with you my experiences. My husband was abusive after we got married. Possessive, obsessive, jealous, verbally and eventually turned physical. My family was not thrilled with him and I have family and friends who didn't understand how and why I ended up or would stick around with someone like that. Some that stopped speaking to me because they were annoyingly frustrated and rightfully so to be honest.

When I found the strength to tell my husband I no longer wanted to be with him, he told me he promise that he would change. I did give him that second chance. I honestly have to say I am one of the lucky few because my husband told the truth and took initiative. He arranged all the therapy and stuck with it. He completed his anger management programme and he also sought therapy for me, our children and with each other. He did move out of our home temporarily and prove to me that he will sort himself out and did not to disrupt the home routine with our kids.

It was 2 months that I invited him over for dinner at our house because before that we would only see each other during our therapy sessions and over at his parents' to have a visit with the kids. Together alone and with the kids it was outside our home and with others present. Then I was able to trust him more alone and he was allowed to spend the weekends. Friday after work and back to his parents Sunday night. When I saw and felt a change in his behaviour, I allowed him to come back and live with us. He did not once try to rush or persuade me to take him back sooner. He allowed me to decide on that and we discussed everything in our sessions. It was a slow progression and it felt as we were dating all over again. Something important I would like to add is whenever he was not happy with his therapy, he talked about it he did not stop going like what others might do. To be honest, if my husband was not as pro-active, I would highly doubt I would still be with him today.

If your partner is serious about changing his ways then it is he that needs to make the appointments, show up to them and invite you along. I suggest that your partner leave the home temporarily to not disrupt the children. This way he would be more focused on his treatment and therapy and the time apart he will be able to sort himself out. The time apart for you will also be helpful and you need counselling just as much as him. My counselling helped bring back my self-worth and esteem. It also helped me to establish healthy boundaries and how to assert myself. Our children too went to counselling. You cannot hide it as much as you say you are. Because I thought the same thing. Through their sessions they drew many disturbing pictures. So they were affected, OP. My sessions with my husband cleared the air. We discussed about his behaviour and learn to redevelop trust. Also the therapist discussed about what were to happen if he were to slip. Big Bag of Chips is spot on. He is not going to be all lovey dovey after his therapy or anger management is finished. He will have some slips because it takes time to change a behaviour. We made a plan whenever he did blow his fuse which was an already packed bag available and a call to his parents to inform them that he was on his way. This was his cooling off time so we can discuss together in therapy as to what happened and why his over the top reaction. This happened three times when he moved back in and over two years ago. Today, he rarely raises his voice or vandalises things around the house. Most importantly he has not tried or touched me aggressively. This all did not happen overnight, this took many many months of therapy which by the way, he still continues to this day. Now I am able to assert myself without being in fear because I no longer a scary or negative reaction from him.

I will be honest, it was not easy and its a lot of work. Not only for him but for me as well. I cannot stress how much time, therapy and work it was for all of us. In most cases of domestic violence, the abuser does not change or stop. Begging and pleading are just words my dear and talk is cheap. What you are looking for and need are actions. Seeing that you are inclinced to stay and give him that second change you need to stand your ground and not budge. He can only change if you do too. He needs therapy alone, with you and in a group atmosphere and I strongly suggest he leaves the home for the time being. Him playing nice for a few weeks is not going to cut it. This process takes months. It was me that had to re-invite my husband back into our home and I took my time. It was close to a year that he moved back in. If your partner is willing to save this relationship he would be willing to do those things. If not, things will not improve for the long term and you will see yourself falling back into his trap and the cycle of abuse repeating once again.

blacklilly

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

The most important thing is for YOU to change. Change from someone who tolerates abuse, someone who deceives people as to the extent of the abuse (even your own daughter).
I remember your other threads and to be honest I think maybe you are a little bit of a being a Martyr to your own misery and at some level you enjoy the drama and are addicted to the dysfunctional 'passion'.

You never heed any of the great advise advise at all but are happy to entertain him and 'blog' away about it and ignore the devastating impact to your self, your family and your daughter.

I really can't understand the catalogue of misery you have posted about this relationsip for well over a year. You continually write very long, descriptive posts and then completely ignore everybodys advise. There is a saying that there are no victims only volunteers and it is very true in your case.

You seem to have your eyes wide open. To be honest I think you would find a normal relationship boring (like with your ex husband).
In fact I really am not sure who is manipulating who. It really is not black and white. I get that from all your posts, I have read them all and I don't think you treat him very well either. You are clearly totally incompatible but carry on regardless of the destruction and impact to both of yer children.

The relationship is full jealousy, lying, disrespect, name-calling, swearing, yelling, paranoid insecurity, possibly cheating .
And you call that a relationship and 'love'. It is no such thing. Love is none of those things, and it does not co-exist peacefully with those things.

You don't have deal-breakers or good standards for how someone treats you in a relationship. Forget about his 'anger management', get some counselling, work on your self-esteem.

Agree with this 100%. You have tolerated a man who has brought you nothing but misery yet you are annoyed with your sister because they want you to leave him. So your sisters have your best interests at heart and genuinely love and care for you and are worried about you but you will give this guy one last chance.
It is difficult to conclude that some part of you does like the drama and attention of this situation.
You've already received some very good advice from other posters yet you seem hell bent on ignoring it and instead try to justify your reasons for giving him one more chance .
You are living with domestic abuse, your child is living with domestic abuse . If you truely love your child you will leave this situation , the damage this situation is doing to your child will effect her for a long time and I would suggest you look into councelling for her also.
Op when everyone is telling you to leave but you stay you cannot blame others for being frustrated.