BF's moods difficult to handle

LegacyUser

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years and have recently been finding his moods difficult to deal with. Overall we have a good relationship but every few days something will happen that upsets him. First he does that passive aggressive thing of acting upset, then when I ask him what's wrong he says he's fine, but in a manner that tells me he's clearly not! Then I'll eventually get it out of him. I've explained that I'm happy to discuss anything at all but if he has a problem or is annoyed with me I'd prefer if he told me straight out. After lots of reassurance he'll get over it but I'm drained from the effort. If I leave him to his own devices it takes a lot longer to sort out, as he assumes I don't care so gets even sulkier and withdrawn!

When I try to talk to him about it he says there's often nothing wrong with him and I've just decided that there is and nothing will change my mind. Maybe he has a point - but when you've been with someone for three years you have a fair idea when they are in bad form or there is something on his mind. We don't argue about it - I always try to talk things out as I don't like shouting and I'd be afraid things would escalate out of control.

I'm finding that his moods are bringing me down and I'm worried they'll change the way I feel about him. It's hard to stay in a good mood myself when I'm faced with a moody BF! Am I over-reacting to his moods? Should I try not to give him so much reassurance? I've set a bad precedent with that one as I always spend a long time patiently talking out every little aspect of what's worrying him and piling on the reassurance.

Just to give you an example of the types of things that can trigger his moods - if I'm very 'late' replying to a text, or if he thinks I'm criticisng him (eg, asking him to put something back on the right shelf in the cupboard!)

I'm not perfect either - I'm sure I have my moody moments too, but I do try to reserve those for things I feel are major! Of course, all these things could be major to him too.

I'd appreciate an objective opinion on all this and am happy to give any further information that might be helpful!

He has been to his doctor about how he handles stress and has been seeing a counsellor recently, which I think is helping.

dafunk

Moodybf wrote: »

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years and have recently been finding his moods difficult to deal with. Overall we have a good relationship but every few days something will happen that upsets him. First he does that passive aggressive thing of acting upset, then when I ask him what's wrong he says he's fine, but in a manner that tells me he's clearly not! Then I'll eventually get it out of him. I've explained that I'm happy to discuss anything at all but if he has a problem or is annoyed with me I'd prefer if he told me straight out. After lots of reassurance he'll get over it but I'm drained from the effort. If I leave him to his own devices it takes a lot longer to sort out, as he assumes I don't care so gets even sulkier and withdrawn!

When I try to talk to him about it he says there's often nothing wrong with him and I've just decided that there is and nothing will change my mind. Maybe he has a point - but when you've been with someone for three years you have a fair idea when they are in bad form or there is something on his mind. We don't argue about it - I always try to talk things out as I don't like shouting and I'd be afraid things would escalate out of control.

I'm finding that his moods are bringing me down and I'm worried they'll change the way I feel about him. It's hard to stay in a good mood myself when I'm faced with a moody BF! Am I over-reacting to his moods? Should I try not to give him so much reassurance? I've set a bad precedent with that one as I always spend a long time patiently talking out every little aspect of what's worrying him and piling on the reassurance.

Just to give you an example of the types of things that can trigger his moods - if I'm very 'late' replying to a text, or if he thinks I'm criticisng him (eg, asking him to put something back on the right shelf in the cupboard!)

I'm not perfect either - I'm sure I have my moody moments too, but I do try to reserve those for things I feel are major! Of course, all these things could be major to him too.

I'd appreciate an objective opinion on all this and am happy to give any further information that might be helpful!

He has been to his doctor about how he handles stress and has been seeing a counsellor recently, which I think is helping.

I was with someone who behaved in this way. It completely wore me out and tbh I felt like it was a form of control. He'd also say nothing was wrong but then months later explode over some perception of something id done at the time.

Up to you how to handle it but you've tried being patient and sympathetic. That hasn't worked. With hindsight to my own situation I should have pulled him up on it, told him his sulking was immature and childish, that he needed to communicate better with me if he was upset about something and also just to suck things up and stop being such miserable company by starting these 'rows', for want of a better word, and just have fun.

Tell him you're sick of it. He should take your concerns as seriously as you take his, if he doesn't then that raises a whole lot of other issues really.

Piliger

Hi OP.

Everyone is entitled to their moods. That's life. What they are not entitled to do is impose them on their friends, partners, boy friends and colleagues.

This guy is self indulgent and disrespectful of you and it is transparently clear that he takes you for granted from A-Z.

If I were you I would be seriously reassessing if this guy is for you. Can you imagine another five years of this ?

Go and sit him down and lay it out - plain a simple. Make him face up to what he is doing and tell him either he gets a grip on himself or you're off. I see no other way OP.

LegacyUser

Thanks both for your replies. I really needed to read/hear the truth straight out, without any emotional stuff.

He says that we both have to put up with each others moods - that's what people in relationships do. But I know myself that this level of moodiness isn't normal, it's not like being grumpy after a bad day at work or something.

The thought of still dealing with it in 5 years horrifies me, as there have been 2 separate episodes this week and it can take us days to get back to normal after each one. I need to make it clear that I can't cope with it long term and that it's taking a massive toll on me and on our relationship.

Thanks again.

Kimia

Hey OP, my bf used to be the very same. Oh the ignoring would drive me mad. He didn't do it over small stuff thankfully so it didn't happen as often, but if I annoyed him over something, instead of talking to me about it he would just ignore me. He didn't want me to ask him what was wrong even, he wouldn't even want to talk about it.

Eventually we got to a place where he understood where I was coming from when I told him I couldn't handle the moods. I told him it was so passive aggressive and that ignoring someone was the most aggressive thing you can ever do as it denies the other person's very existence.

I would advise that you tell him how it makes you feel - don't worry about eggshells, just throw it all out - and then live by your words by ignoring him when he gets sulky and moody. If he goes into a mood, say to him, 'i can see you're upset, when you're ready we can talk about it'. And then ignore him. He will soon learn that you're not going to pander to him like a little child.

One more word. A lot of people are passive aggressive because they're not comfortable with anger, or being angry with someone. You can reassure him that it's ok to be angry with each other, it doesn't mean that you love each other any less. Best of luck.

up for anything

This sounds very familiar to me. If you let it go on it will get worse and more frequent, or worse and the freezing spells will lengthen until you will do anything to return your life to normal.

It seems to me that you are already making excuses for him and reasoning out his behaviour. Don't do that. Tell him how you feel and if he doesn't like it he can lump it. He is an adult, same as you are, and he needs to stop acting like a toddler having a temper tantrum and then sulking. Late texting him back - what a baby!

Better to end it after 3 years than to face years more of monthly, weekly or daily uncertainty until you're at the stage where you have to second guess all you say and do in case it sets off one of his moods.

By the way

He says that we both have to put up with each others moods - that's what people in relationships do.

that is bullshit! People in relationships put up with each other's moods to a certain extent when they are affected by outside problems such as work or family problems but they certainly shouldn't have to put up with moods which come about as a result of the other person's insecurities or lack of self-esteem.

I would hazard a guess that these moods come upon him when he feels that you are in some way pulling away from him and he feels threatened that he may be losing you but this may take some time to dawn on you because you don't see it that way because it isn't that way. It's his problem not yours.

He's trying to control you. :mad:

Gooner111

Hey OP

You stated he has started councelling (= making an effort to change?) but that will take time so have patience.... if your set on staying in the relationship.

When he is on a good day clearly explain your relationship is at stake as you can no longer take his moods but that you acknowledge he is working on things and your prepared to support him and help him.

He says that we both have to put up with each others moods - that's what people in relationships do.

As I said above if he is making an effort and trying to change and you want the relationship to work then have patience. But judging from that sentence it doens't look like he sees that he has a problem. If he isn't making any efforts then not looking good and would suggest you spell it out for him... change or its over (must be prepared to follow through!).

LegacyUser

It's the OP again. I got some really good advice here the last time, so I'm hoping you guys can help me out again on the same issue.

I took the advice given here and spoke very candidly and honestly with my boyfriend about the effects that his moods have on me. He really took it on board and has made a big effort. The moody behaviour only happens every couple of weeks now.

However, it happened 2 weeks ago over something quite trivial and I'd just had enough. It was the straw that broke the camel's back. I told him I was done, that I'd had enough and I honestly meant it.

We've started couples counselling now, after he'd asked me to give the relationship another chance. I'd suggested counselling before but he'd always been reluctant. I think now that it might be too late. It feels like something has broken or snapped in me regarding our relationship and I just don't feel the same about him or us anymore.

From people's experiences, can our relationship recover? The counsellor is very good. She's gotten us both to speak opening and he's really been honest about the underlying insecurities that trigger the moody behaviour.

So there's hope there in that respect, but I don't feel any hope at the moment at all. Is it too late or can I recover the way that I used to feel about him?

ABajaninCork

What do YOU want? From the sound of it, it does seem you've had enough. Does your BF know how you feel?

Perhaps it's time you sat down and had a frank and open chat.

Good luck!

LegacyUser

Thanks for your response. It is helpful to think about what I want!

I've been really honest and open with my boyfriend about how I'm feeling and the fact that my feelings have now changed towards him.

As I mentioned, he's made a massive effort and I can really see that and appreciate it. I know changing your behaviour like that isn't easy and he's doing really well.

For me, I think all the moody occasions have just built up and I'm not functioning normally within the relationship. It feels that it's chipped away at how I feel about him and I do really feel that a line has been crossed.

He knows all this and is willing to do 'whatever it takes' to make it work. I want to make it work. I want to feel the same way as I used to about him. I just don't feel that way over the last few weeks and that makes me really sad. I want it back but I just don't know if it'll come back! If it doesn't then I know I have no choice but to end it, for both our sakes.

Does anyone have any personal experiences of turning a relationship around and regaining the love, spark and trust?

ManOfMystery

All I can say is, it will take time. It won't happen overnight. You'll have to build things up together again, slowly.

Whether or not you feel you can be in this for the long haul ............ well, only you can answer that.

padz

hi op, hope things are better for you, just reading your previous post and certainly think you should do things for yourself and maybe even by yourself if you bfs moods are a problem, i was thinking myself recently how my own moods are up and down this time of year as im sure we all are, then there could be internal stuff with you partner that him seeing someone and talkin about it would help, i myself was seeing a therapist briefly its nice to just chat and get things out with someone external and non judgemental

i know what you mean about someone bringing you down, i have had friends whos moods (with bitching and moaning) was so persistant that it changed the friendship and ive distanced myself from them, still fine to see and talk to even hang out but it dosent get into my own personal world like it did before....listening to uninvited bitchin in your own home has to be one of the worst things ever

i hope that your bfs moods arnt persistant as that would reely ask you to question weather you want to remain living together....eventhough you could still be partners if you get me, personal space is important if his moods are invading/effecting your personal space to such a degree then maybe hes battling demons or somthing that cant be supressed or talked about with you.... i know myself i can be bad form & i perfer to be alone when like that just to chill out and maybe its harder to do that living under the one roof....the only thing you reely can do is leave when hes like that go for a walk to the shops& clear your own mind