New bf - issues with best friend...

LegacyUser

I would appreciate some advice on this issue thanks.

I am a late 30s female, own home, good job and young child (not with her dad). I have been single probably since I had my daughter (6yrs now) mainly because I haven't been able to dedicate the time to finding a partner. During that time, all of my friends are married or have been in long term relationships - they have included me in everything, and I've never been left out of occasions - they have also been very supportive to me with my child, particularly.

Lately, I have met someone and it is going very well. He is kind, gentle, funny and makes me feel something that I haven't felt in years. He has met my daughter and they get on really well too. I knew this guy a few years ago - it was very casual - but I found out he had been seeing other people at the time and that was it for me. I foolishly told my best friend about this. We (me and my bf) have both since grown up alot, have agreed that we are now exclusive and he makes me very happy.

However, my 'best' friend has no interest in meeting him. I have been trying to set up a 'double date' with herself and her hubby for a few weeks now, as it's important to me that I can chat about him to her and she knows him. I'm not expecting them to be best friends, but she is a big part of my life and now, so is he. She has had many excuses - however, the other night she came out straight and said she has no interest in meeting him, that she doesn't think it will last (because of his previous behaviour) and when she's ready, she'll bump into him sometime.

I'm very hurt by this, particularly as she has spent the last 10yrs moaning to me about her own husband and I've never once judged his behaviour!!

I feel like it's ok for her to judge my relationship, but because she's married, my judgement of her relationship is off limits!

Am I making any sense here and what should I do??

Ellsbells

Well maybe she has a point.... He cheated on you and I'm sure she helped you through that? Then you met him lately again and he has already met your daughter. Are you a bit blindsided by this guy? It seems to be moving awful fast considering the way he treated you before.

LegacyUser

It's not moving fast at all. I met him in January of this year and have taken it very slow. He has proven to me that he can be trusted in the past 8 months and I have decided to make a proper go of it. He has only met my daughter this month - I am not at all blindsided by him.

Mighty_Mouse

The first time around was casual.
I take this to mean not specifically exclusive?

This time around you use the word "lately".
How long have you been exclusive?
I get the impression it is a recent thing.

How recent?
If he sticks around he will get to know your friends.
Why do you feel the need for formal dinner introductions?

Men HATE this type of stuff.
Don't force this relationship forward.
Let it grow organically.
Dinners, meet the family & friends, will all come in time.

AhInFairness

Ellsbells wrote: »

Well maybe she has a point.... He cheated on you and I'm sure she helped you through that? Then you met him lately again and he has already met your daughter. Are you a bit blindsided by this guy? It seems to be moving awful fast considering the way he treated you before.

I have to agree with this. You say now that your previous relationship with this bloke was casual, yet the fact that he was seeing other people clearly was out of bounds for you as you ended things. Is it fair to assume that you were hurt by this? Saw it as cheating? If you didn't, why end things?

You sound like you are moving way too fast here. How long have you actually been a couple? Why has this man met your daughter? I am always amazed at people who introduce new partners to their young children before the relationship has time to grow. In my opinion it's done for convenience sake and it is incredibly selfish.

Stop trying to create this perfect little dinner party foursome with your friend and her husband. This man clearly hurt you before and it is early days for you now. You can't force your friend into situations like this when all she knows of this man is how much he upset you before.

Slow down and let things happen as they happen. And don't let this man develop a relationship with your child until he has been around for quite a while. Pay for a babysitter.

Edit: Your last post has only appeared now. I still think, where a young child is involved, 8 months is too soon. But thats a personal opinion. The point about your friend still stands. You can't force this on her.

LegacyUser

That's correct, the first time around wasn't exclusive. He has also just come out of his marriage, and was in a different place back then. I have been seeing him since January - we had the 'talk' in June and are now officially an item. I've met his kids, he has met mine etc.

The fact is, HE has asked to meet my friends - I have met a few of his already and he is wondering when we are going to go out with my pals!!!! So I'm not pushing this at all!

LegacyUser

You are entitled to your opinion of course, but 8 months is the right time as far as I'm concerned. And if you'd like, I can calculate how much I've spent on babysitters in the past 8 months. I didn't let him meet her out of 'convenience' - far from it!

AhInFairness

unregistered wrote: »

That's correct, the first time around wasn't exclusive. He has also just come out of his marriage, and was in a different place back then. I have been seeing him since January - we had the 'talk' in June and are now officially an item. I've met his kids, he has met mine etc.

The fact is, HE has asked to meet my friends - I have met a few of his already and he is wondering when we are going to go out with my pals!!!! So I'm not pushing this at all!

Well that's not strictly true is it? In your first post you said

unregistered wrote: »

However, my 'best' friend has no interest in meeting him. I have been trying to set up a 'double date' with herself and her hubby for a few weeks now, as it's important to me that I can chat about him to her and she knows him. I'm not expecting them to be best friends, but she is a big part of my life and now, so is he. She has had many excuses - however, the other night she came out straight and said she has no interest in meeting him, that she doesn't think it will last (because of his previous behaviour) and when she's ready, she'll bump into him sometime.

How is that not pushing it?

Look, she was honest with you about it. He hurt you before, she was there for you and saw how upset you were and she doesn't want to see you get hurt again. Its all well and good for you to say "things were different, we weren't exclusive, etc" but the fact of the matter is her only experience of this man is him cheating (as far as you were concerned) on you.

She hasn't said she'll never get to know him but she clearly doesn't want this "double date" so you need to leave that alone. I don't believe that your friend is unfairly judging anyone here. She is going on her previous experience. It's inconvenient for you, sure, but you have to respect her decision just as she has respected your decision to be with this man.

If he is keen to meet your friends then organise a double date with a different couple, or head out with a group of other friends. If you make this a big issue you could damage your friendship. Accept that she doesn't want to meet him right now and try to understand why that is.

LegacyUser

You're all being a little unfair to the OP here. I didn't get the impression that she's 'rushing' anything at all. We don't know this guy so why is so hard to believe that he is serious about her this time around? People can change, their priorities change and they get a bit of cop-on - it sounds like that's what's happened.

Anyway, the issue isn't how fast or slow her relationship is moving, it's her best friend's attitude. OP, I think you need to sit your friend down and have a conversation about how you need her support whether things are going bad in your life, AND when they're going well, and emphasise how important it is that she and your partner get along. I can see her point to an extent in that she doesn't want to see you get hurt, but she's out of order to be so snippy about your relationship. Surely she wants to see you happy? And if (IF!) it does go tits-up again, she should be there on the sidelines waiting to support you. That's what friends do. Not stand around waiting to say 'I told you so' when something goes wrong.

Mighty_Mouse

The timeframes seem pretty normal for getting to know each others kids/friends etc.
You would have to really question why your best friend is so resistant to meeting the man you have been in a steady relationship with for 8months.

It's really odd.

Is she jealous of your realtionship with him?
Afraid the one "always free" single mate she has is now gone?
or does your new relationship make her feel inadequate in hers?

There has to be more to this than just a spiteful "it will never last" judgement.

ananas

I think your best friend is being really mean. She can have her own opinions certainly, but it seems like she can't suck it up for your sake and give him a chance. I have friends whose boyfriends I don't particularly care for, but I don't get involved and project my opinions regarding their choice of boyfriends. Fair enough, you got together previously and it did end badly, but if you're willing to give him a chance, so should she.

I have found in these situations that the "friend" who won't have anything to do with the bf usually doesn't like them on a personal level, unrelated to what they did to you, and is just using it as an excuse not to have any dealings with them.

Silene

I'm very hurt by this, particularly as she has spent the last 10yrs moaning to me about her own husband and I've never once judged his behaviour!!

I feel like it's ok for her to judge my relationship, but because she's married, my judgement of her relationship is off limits!

Am I making any sense here and what should I do??

It makes perfect sense.  It's eight months into the relationship and I don't think you're being unreasonable in wanting to have the support of your best friend.   Could it be that maybe she's not such a good friend after all?  Unfortunately it's life changes such as this - new relationships, breakups etc that tend to reveal to us who our friends really are.  Or, maybe she's just finding it incredibly difficult to accept that something has changed...  Do you think she feels that the friendship between you two has become less if you've been spending more and more of your time with him?   I'm not saying that's an excuse for her to not be happy for you.  But it could be a case of her feeling neglected maybe?   If you think this is a possiblility, then I'd suggest maybe thinking of something to do together, like a day out together maybe, and maybe an opportunity to have a heart to heart chat. 

Ellsbells

The op's second post re 8 months showed up after a lot of the initial responses and it clarified the 'lately' a bit.

Op you don't seem to want to listen to anyone who doesn't agree with you

LegacyUser

'Op you don't seem to want to listen to anyone who doesn't agree with you'

Why would you say that? I asked for advice and have read the replies - nowhere did I say I don't want to listen to anyone who doesn't agree with me. I was just replying to questions asked.

She might be finding it hard to accept that things have changed - her and I had spent alot of time together - her marriage wouldn't be the best, they rarely go out together and have almost separated a few times now. Her and I became very close during some of those periods particularly.

She has said a few times that she's 'very happy for me', but that's it..no interest in hearing about him, meeting him, nothing. And yes, it is important to me that she is still in my life, but I don't 'need' her to meet him, or him to meet her. I had just hoped that introducing him to my friends would be a seamless thing to do.

username123

I met my husband as a teenager and kissed him a few times and basically he was mad about me, I wasnt mad about him and his heart was broken - all very teenage and typical stuff. His best friend hated me because he perceived me as someone who hurt his buddy.

We didnt see each other for a decade then met again, and things were right, we got together and ended up getting married. His best friend was a total ass to me the first few times he encountered me at this time. He is now completely embarrassed by his behaviour and totally awkward around me as, clearly, myself and my husband are happily married for a number of years now and the friend behaviour was based on the mistaken assumption that it wouldnt last anyway so why bother being nice.

All I would say is please yourself. You cannot go out with or not go out with people to please others. Your friend will either come round in time or she wont, but you have no control over that. Dont be pushing her to be double dating etc.. she clearly doesnt want to, Id leave it if I were you and allow some cooling off. My hubby was upset with his friends behaviour towards me so we just didnt do stuff all together for a while and his friend realised that if he didnt stop behaving like an ass he would lose his friend, so he did cop on. There was no big drama, but more like an organic process where he slowly became more respectful towards me, to the point where youd never even remember or guess now how he used to behave except that he is awkward (but politely awkward!).

okiss

I think that you have been very fair to your best friend. You told her about him and you have been going out together for 8 months.
After this amount of time I can understand that you want your friend to meet him but she does not want this. You have listened to her complain about her husband for the past 10 years and you did not judge him.
Is it that things are starting to go well for you after a long period of time and nothing has changed for her? Have you been available as much to to listen to her complain about her husband and her life in general?
Some people are happy to keep complaining about there lives but are unwilling to make any changes to improve there lot.
I know her relationship is not going well but she should be keen to meet your bf. All friendship require give and take but if your doing all the giving you won't stay friends.
I would keep in contact with her but the next time she rings you complaining about her life I would just tell her I don't have time to listen to this.
I would never dump a friend because I have a new boyfriend because you don't know what will happen in the future.

Idle Passerby

Would it be possible your friend feels safe as long as your single because she feels like she has someone available so to speak if her marriage fails. Maybe she feels threatened by your new found happiness. Whatever her reason she's being selfish. Her personal opinion of your boyfriend shouldn't stop her being happy for you, and an opinion of someone based on an event in the past that you have put behind you is a crap reason not to meet him.

Queen-Mise

I think your best friend is in a lose/lose situation. It is the classic case of a friend listening to the problems & arguments but then not being there for the apologies & reconciliation. All she has heard so far is crap about him & maybe thinking he is a bit of a player.
I can imagine your friend doesn't want to give you the thumbs up & her approval to see this man, maybe she doesn't approve (& that is fine, it is her opinion). Don't push it - if the relationship lasts she will get to know him in time.

I don't see any problem with his behaviour a few years ago - he didn't claim otherwise.

Don't push a double date or anything like that. A wedding, birthday, christening etc. will come up & they can meet there.