Ruining my life-obsessed with ex

LegacyUser

I have a serious problem that I’m completely ashamed of. I’ve been with my boyfriend for little over a year. Everything is great, it’s the best relationship I’ve ever had and I couldn’t be happier with him. But, I am obsessed with his ex-girlfriend.

She is 10 years younger than me, absolutely gorgeous , a musician and has everything going for her. For a while I blocked her facebook profile but a couple of weeks ago I just couldn’t help myself and unblocked her. Since then not a day goes by where I’m not looking at pictures of her online.

She was my boyfriend’s first love and they broke up about a year before we got together. He said he was devastated, lost a stone in weight and sunk into a major depression after she ended it. He tried desperately to get her back but she just didn’t want to be with him anymore. He developed some serious trust issues and it was a long time before he could even have sex with me, because he’d developed performance anxiety after she dumped him.

The thing is, things between us are great. He has said I’m the ‘one’, he wants marriage, kids and the whole lot, says he’s never been more sure about anything. We have a completely honest relationship with fantastic communication but although he knows that I’ve been a little insecure about the ex in the past, he has no idea how completely obsessed I am and I can’t bring myself to tell him about this one thing.

I end up ruining my work-day by checking her facebook instead of doing my job,and get nothing done, looking at her friends photo’s to see what she’s been upto in life, even googling footage of her gigs. I’m obsessed with how amazing this girl is and feel like I’ll never compare, that my boyfriend will always feel that he got the consolation prize and that given the choice he’d rather be with her. I just don’t know how to stop myself and its ruining my life.

LegacyUser

This was his first love- do you really believe he knew what love was all about having been in one relationship? Everyone has a place in their heart for their first love but everyone, including you I'm sure, moves on. He's in love with you and you are in love with him, it really is that simple.

Just because you have brought up the issue doesn't mean you can't raise it again and really come clean this time. I'm sure you can find a way of doing so without harming your relationship. You're simply focusing your insecurities at her and no good will come of it. You probably have decided that she is 'your' image of the perfect woman but have you asked him? I suspect that it's you're his ideal woman and maybe you should hint that this might be worth reiterating from time to time.

blatantrereg

It sounds like he's honest and forthright, and that he bonds strongly with someone when he's in a serious relationship. It doesn't sound like he thinks of you as a consolation prize or that he is still moping over his ex.

dannyc31

there is not alot of advice that can be said here other than you are just experiencing normal insecurities that we all have as people. there is always someone else in all of our lives that we think are superman/superwoman but the fact is no-one is that perfect. we all have flaws. you might be surprised to find out that this girl may suffer just as bad insecurities about herself when comparing to someone else in her life the way you're feeling about her.

you need to focus on your own positive attributes, yes perhaps you wont ever be as good a musician as this girl or as gorgeous but there are things that you can continue to focus on to keep your partner attracted to you. he obviously does, as he has said so, so stop over-thinking you are second best. that relationship with her ended for a reason yours has'nt so that should tell you that its you that is more compatible with your boyfriend so just keep enjoying it.

best of luck.

tricialou

Vanilia wrote: »

I have a serious problem that I’m completely ashamed of. I’ve been with my boyfriend for little over a year. Everything is great, it’s the best relationship I’ve ever had and I couldn’t be happier with him. But, I am obsessed with his ex-girlfriend.

She is 10 years younger than me, absolutely gorgeous , a musician and has everything going for her. For a while I blocked her facebook profile but a couple of weeks ago I just couldn’t help myself and unblocked her. Since then not a day goes by where I’m not looking at pictures of her online.

She was my boyfriend’s first love and they broke up about a year before we got together. He said he was devastated, lost a stone in weight and sunk into a major depression after she ended it. He tried desperately to get her back but she just didn’t want to be with him anymore. He developed some serious trust issues and it was a long time before he could even have sex with me, because he’d developed performance anxiety after she dumped him.

The thing is, things between us are great. He has said I’m the ‘one’, he wants marriage, kids and the whole lot, says he’s never been more sure about anything. We have a completely honest relationship with fantastic communication but although he knows that I’ve been a little insecure about the ex in the past, he has no idea how completely obsessed I am and I can’t bring myself to tell him about this one thing.

I end up ruining my work-day by checking her facebook instead of doing my job,and get nothing done, looking at her friends photo’s to see what she’s been upto in life, even googling footage of her gigs. I’m obsessed with how amazing this girl is and feel like I’ll never compare, that my boyfriend will always feel that he got the consolation prize and that given the choice he’d rather be with her. I just don’t know how to stop myself and its ruining my life.

this is one good way to ruin your relationship! There are now 3 people in this relationship as you have let her in! I have been hurt by guys that broke up with me really really hurt like your boyfriend and have completely gotten over it. sometimes I mention my exx t my boyfriend but it would just be because he was there with me when i did something and i cant change that!! It is possible that your boyf is completely over her! as I know I have been devastated by break ups and look back and can actually be thankful that those guys let me go!

Silene

I think you have taken an important step in admitting that you are doing something that's harming you, and down the road if it continues, will more than likely do harm to your relationship as well. 

We have a completely honest relationship with fantastic communication but although he knows that I’ve been a little insecure about the ex in the past, he has no idea how completely obsessed I am and I can’t bring myself to tell him about this one thing.

 As he himself has been very open in telling you in detail how much the breakup with his ex affected him, this suggests that communication is important to him, and if that works both ways, then I'm sure he would want to know if you were feeling depressed or anxious or unhappy about something.  

Before you do tell him though, try to imagine what he could do or say to reassure you.  Would it be enough to stop you continuing to obsess over this girl?   So whether you do decide to tell him or not, it will still be back to you to address these insecurities yourself.  I agree with what other posters have said about focusing on your own life and what qualities you bring to the relationship.  

Another thing to remember and that might help is that when you are looking at photographs of someone who makes their living in the public eye, then naturally their online profiles are going to have professional-quality photos and will show a person at their happiest and in the most positive light.  Not that you want to wish someone to be unhappy or have bad days or insecurities, but everyone does, or almost everyone.  So I'm just saying that an online profile like this can present a skewed picture of how great someone's life actually is.  Just some thoughts.  

LegacyUser

OP here,
Thanks to everyone for their replies. I did have a chat with him and although I didn't tell him the extent of the crazy behaviour, I did tell him how insecure I feel about her.

Of course he said the usual things, that he loves me, that I have no need to worry, that I'm the 'one' etc.

The sad thing is that I feel insecure as ever. I just can't imagine how he can't compare us in his own head. She's more of a Christina Hendricks type: Total bombshell, amazingly confident and sexual. While I'm more...I dunno...Ellen Page maybe???

I've blocked her fb page and all her friends etc and I'm going to start working on my own self-esteem

Idle Passerby

I think when it comes to insecurity like this there will be nothing your boyfriend can say or do to make it go away because the problem is in your head, so it will have to be you that fixes it for yourself. As others have said, it sounds like he's happy with you and has moved on. Everybody has a past, your his present. Dont ruin that by dwelling on something thats behind him.